I took a deep breath, smelling the freshness of newly mowed grass as I sat on a bench by the park. This was one of Erin’s favourite parks. It had slides, ropes to climb on and lots of tunnels to crawl through. We would often bring a pick-nick here, providing the weather was good, and sit together with other parents that I had met when Erin was a toddler. If it was a weekend mum and dad would often join us or Chris and Lisa. Peter joined as often as he could, not wanting to miss a second of family time. He sometimes acted like a bigger kid than Erin. He looked quite disappointed the first time he realised that he was too big to climb through the tunnels with Erin. He would have fitted perhaps and he even tried, but he got harsh looks from the mothers nearby so he had backed away from trying to squeeze in. It had made me laugh hysterically at the time.
Today it was just Erin and I. The sun was out. I was sitting with Erin’s little denim jacket in my hands, bringing it to my chest and hugging it as if hugging a person.
“Mummy!”
I looked up feeling a sense of joy but at the same time something was weighing me down. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was though. Erin was waving at me from the top of the slide. I smiled at her, taking in her beautiful angel-like features. I suppose that is how all parents see their children and rightly so. Still, I couldn’t help but feel that I, in fact, did have the most beautiful daughter put on the planet earth.
“Look at me mummy” she said sitting herself down on the long slide and putting her hands in the air. “No hands,” she continued before sliding down with a big wide smile and a shout for joy as she slid down. I laughed at her comment and got off the bench to go and meet her at the bottom of the slide. “Was that fun?” I asked her as she arrived at the bottom.
“It was amazing mummy” she said giving me a big hug. I held her in my arms, feeling the weight of trouble slightly diminishing. “Do you want to go again?” I asked.
She nodded her head and ran back to the stairs that lead all the way to the top of the slide. She must have been really fast because it only took a couple of seconds and she was at the top again, waving to me, making sure I was watching.
“Mummy! Watch this” she said as she took off down the slide once again, only this time she had a new trick to show me. She slid down and just before she hit the bottom of the slide she kicked up and bounced high up in the air. As she came down from her bounce she kicked off from the ground again sending her higher up in the air to just above the park’s treetops. She continued this with another few jumps as I saw her enthusiasm and joy. She finally came to a stop. I felt her happiness shining from her as though she was a sun beaming at me. “Wow, sweetie that was amazing! How did you learn how to do that?” I asked her. She took my hand and looked up at me.
“You just believe you can and then you will. Just kick the ground mummy.”
“Ok,” I answered doubtfully but with an eagerness to learn.
Erin counted to three as we kicked up from the ground. She took off but gravity pulled me right back down again, leaving me feeling a little disappointed. She came back down looking at me like a teacher who knows you can do better. “Mummy, you aren’t believing that you can. Just forget everything else and really feel that you can,” she said emphasising the word ‘feel’. I nodded my head, took a deep breath and we counted to three again whilst looking each other in the eyes. We simultaneously kicked off the ground and bounced high up in the air, a good seven feet up or so. It felt like gravity had bended its rules and we were light as feathers. We came back down and bounced even higher this time. The third time we stayed up in the air for a minute or so looking out over the castle-like silhouette of our city. The sun was setting and the sky was a dark blue.
“Mummy, it’s beautiful here isn’t it?” she said with the low sun casting an orange glow over her face making it glow like fairy dust on her skin. “It’s very beautiful sweetie” I said as we slowly came down to the ground again.
“I have to go now” she abruptly said, which made me frown but then I thought that she must mean that she wanted to go home.
“Ok honey, it’s getting late, we should go home to dad now.”
She looked up at me with a serious face.
“No mummy, I can’t go home now.”
I felt an uncomfortable feeling creeping over me. “What do you mean honey? Of course you can.” Erin shook her head and let go of my hand. “I love you mummy,” she said as she took a few steps back. I started feeling a panic rise within me.
“Erin, you’re not being funny. Now come here.
Daddy’s waiting.”
“They say I don’t belong here anymore,” she said as a matter of fact but with a slight confusion in her eyes.
It had turned darker around us and I could feel a chill running through my bones.
“Who told you that?” I said feeling an anger towards whoever would say such a thing and took a few steps towards her.
I heard a noise behind me, like a big crack, which made me jump and as I blinked she was gone. Another blink and I was sitting upon the floor in Erin’s room. I had fallen asleep there holding on to her favourite teddy. Peter rushed in looking worried, which seemed to be the only facial expressions we were carrying since Erin’s disappearance.
As reality hit me so did a whole wave of emotion. I felt bile in my mouth as I ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Tears started streaming down my face as my stomach emptied. It was as if it was trying to empty my body of the horrible sadness. I couldn’t stand the feeling. Where was my daughter? After a while I looked up to see Peter sitting on the floor next to me. I hadn’t noticed him sitting there. He had tears in his eyes. I had never seen him looking so warn out. I doubted he had slept yet. He looked defeated. He wasn’t aware that I was looking at him. I put my hand on his and he looked up as if he had been lost in thought.
“What did you dream?” he asked.
“How did you know I was dreaming?” I asked, thinking back to the dream with Erin. “You were talking in your sleep and then you screamed, I was just outside the room. Then you rushed here to throw up…plus the fact that you always dream,” he said managing a tiny flicker of his half smile that I loved so dearly. “Nightmare?” he asked with concern.
“Yes and no,” I said looking down. “I dreamt of
Erin.”
Peter looked up. I couldn’t read his facial expression which was very unusual. It looked like a mix of hope, anger, confusion and something else I couldn’t place. I felt like I needed to go on and explain more. He was obviously itching for more information regarding my dream.
“We were at the park, the one on Princes Street. It was just me and her. I didn’t know that I was dreaming at first. Erin bounced high up in the air and then she taught me how to do it. It was magical. She looked so well and happy Peter,” I said as I recollected every minor detail of the dream, not wanting to forget anything. “She told me it was time for her to go and that she wasn’t meant to come back or that she couldn’t. I don’t know…she disappeared just before I woke up.” My eyes had started to water, without me noticing as I mentioned the last part about her disappearing. Peter just sat there staring at me with big eyes. I had no idea what was going through his mind. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Do you think it might be like when we met?” he asked. There was hope in his voice. “That maybe she is showing you where she is now? Or trying to contact you somehow?” he continued.
I hadn’t thought about it but maybe he had a point. What if she was trying to show me something? “Maybe…” I said looking up at Peter. He looked even more hopeful.
“Do you think you could go back to sleep now?” he asked looking at me like a child asking if he can have sweeties on a school night. I felt tired and rundown so maybe I could fall back asleep. It was getting light outside which meant I can’t have slept for long. We had been out looking for her until five in the morning. The police had insisted that we should go home and let them take care of the search. ‘We can get back to you in the morning when you’ve had some rest’, the police officer had said, which had made me quite angry at the time but in the end I couldn’t think of anything I could do which could be of value to the situation. I looked at Peter and nodded my head in agreement, agreeing to try to fall back asleep and hopefully see Erin again.
I washed my face and brushed my teeth to get rid of the horrible taste of bile in my mouth and then we both went to bed. Peter held me which felt comforting and needed. I lay there for a long time but it was as if my mind had decided that I wasn’t going back to sleep. I was over-tired and I was thinking way too much about every little detail of the days leading up to her disappearance, thinking that I must have forgotten something vital to the case. I could tell Peter was checking on me, seeing if I had fallen asleep as we lay there in bed and I could feel his disappointment when he noticed that I wasn’t.
After about an hour I could hear him breathing heavily so I got up, feeling frustrated over not being able to go back to my dreamworld, back to my daughter.