My dream with Erin had been so beautiful. I had cried when I woke up of course, knowing I couldn’t see her in real life. Peter hadn’t been at my side as I woke and I noticed as I got up that he was nowhere to be seen. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer, so I sent him a text message and waited for a reply. I was putting on some coffee when I heard a text message coming through. I was feeling relief as I thought it was Peter but when I looked at the screen, Lisa’s name was showing. She asked if I wanted some company. I knew it was probably good for me to be with somebody. Especially with someone like Lisa who always saw the glass as half full instead of half empty. I had started to notice how easy it was to feel like a victim, sliding into self pity and just wanting it all to end. I felt so God damn sorry for myself, it was eating me alive. I could easily have sat down on the couch and hugged Erin’s teddy for the entire day, not getting dressed and barely eating. Definitely not seeing anyone either for that matter. I knew I couldn’t live like that but at the same time I couldn’t see a future anymore either.
Before Erin’s disappearance I had seen a big glorious future for the three of us, maybe even another little baby in the family. We would have a big white house a little further from the city centre, someplace where we could take long walks in nature. When we were old and retired it could be a wonderful place for our grandchildren to visit. I could paint and Peter could learn how to play the piano, something he had never come round to learning but had always wanted to do. We would be happy, just as we had been mere weeks earlier.
How could it all have changed so fast?
I looked down at the screen and tried replying to Lisa’s text message but I didn’t know what to write. The phone vibrated in my hand as another message from her came up on the display.
‘I’ll be over in twenty minutes’, I read. Lisa had decided for me what I was going to answer. ‘Ok’, I wrote back. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the company or not but deep down I knew I needed her. I needed her friendship more than ever. More than I cared to admit.
About twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. Lisa stood there smiling kindly holding a white box.
“I brought some treats,” she said cheerfully whilst holding out the box. It smelled divine as I opened it. Freshly baked donuts! Two chocolate and two white chocolate. My stomach growled. Lisa helped herself in and gave me a warm hug. I accepted her hug but as usual I pushed down my feelings. I was afraid of what would happen if I opened myself up to emotion. Maybe I would never stop crying. Maybe they would have to put me into a psych ward. No, this was better. I didn’t feel much of anything and I was ok with that. The other option could very well be a death sentence. “Hey,” I said, forcing my lips into a fake smile. “It’s ok, you don’t need to put on some fake emotion for me my friend. Whatever you are feeling is ok,” she said looking at me with concern. “Now let’s get some tea and have a chat.” “I made coffee if that’s alright,” I said.
“Whatever you want sweetie,” she replied. We sat down on the couch with two large cups of coffee. I had started taking my coffee black. I usually always took it with milk but I had recently switched to black, simply not caring what things tasted like anymore. My stomach was still growling from the smell of fresh cakes though, maybe I could take a bite. Lisa handed me the box, prompting me to pick one. I picked the one with white chocolate. I took a bite out of it and felt myself really enjoying it. The softness of the dough, the melting of the white chocolate in my mouth, the smell of newly baked donut. I loved it.
“So, you’ve not been answering my calls. I was starting to worry,” Lisa said, also taking out a donut out of the box.
“Yeah… I’m sorry Lisa. I’ve been busy.”
“Of course, I totally get it, but I’m here for you. It’s ok that you feel like shit.” She grabbed my hand. “More than ok, but I am your friend. Let me help you through this,” she said.
I simply nodded, unable to say anything else. “So Chris called me just a few minutes ago. He wondered if he could come over as well and I said yes. I hope you don’t mind?” she said already having decided for me yet again whether it was ok or not.
“Are you two back together?” I asked. “Oh I don’t know… Maybe. We’ve met up so much recently with the search and everything. It’s like it’s brought us closer together. It’s hard to sleep. I keep thinking of Erin and wondering if she is ok…praying that she is ok…and you know me, I never pray,” she said raising her eyebrows. “I cry a lot too and Chris has been there for me.” Her eyes glazed over as she said it. Then she looked right at me. “I know that she’s ok though.”
I was quiet for a couple of seconds, not knowing how to respond to what Lisa had just said. “How do you know that Lisa, how could you possibly know that?” I said annoyingly.
She looked at me seriously.
“Because my gut instinct tells me so. I can just feel it. Even when I’m crying and it almost feels hopeless it’s like a feeling deep down telling me that she is ok. I can’t really explain it,” she said convincingly.
I looked away and thought of my dreams with
Erin. She felt real in them, just like Peter once had. There was another knock on the door. Lisa ran over and opened. Chris came in wearing his regular work clothes, a pair of denim jeans, a grey t-shirt and a black blazer. He didn’t want to be too suited up for his job, he wanted to be able to connect with his customers on a personal level.
He walked over and gave Lisa a kiss on the cheek.
It was obvious that they were back together.
“Hey Alex,” he said casually.
He saw the box of donuts. “Don’t mind if I do.” I loved Chris for being so laid back in every situation. It calmed me down enough to feel normal for a few seconds, as if nothing big had happened. He grabbed a donut and walked passed me. His way of greeting me was putting his hand on my head and roughing up my hair. Normally I would have responded by saying something sarcastic but this time I didn’t. He knew he wouldn’t get a reaction either but I appreciated the effort so I just sent a little smile his way.
“Are you guys ditching work?” I asked pointing a finger at them the way a teacher would. “Well, I have the day off. Don’t know about this one, he seems to glide through life. I’m not even convinced he has a job?!” Lisa said jokingly as she pointed to Chris.
“Well, when you’re as awesome and charming as myself you get the job done quickly. Not everyone can understand that. You see, I think you just need to have been born with it,” he said and winked at me. “Besides, this is just a quick stop today, I’m off to a newly opened health store. I want to get there before other sales rep beat me to it. Not that I’m worried. I can charm them easily into buying a dirty sock if I had wanted to.”
“Ok wise guy, that’s enough. You ain’t as charming as you think. Besides, we’re here for Alex,” Lisa cut in.
“Oh I don’t mind,” I said.
In fact it was lovely having the good old banter. I felt like it was a well needed distraction. “I like it! be your nutty selves…please!” Lisa’s eyes widened.
“Well, ok then,” she said with a couple of giggles. She went on to tell me about some work drama with her dancers. Apparently there was some three way drama going on that she told hilariously. Chris was also making funny comments about people from his work. It was all very light and at one point I actually laughed. Lisa and Chris both stared at me in shock for a second and then burst out laughing themselves. Peter walked in as we were laughing and I felt instant guilt. I wasn’t meant to laugh with everything that was going on, how could I? But It just felt so good, it lifted my heavy heart, even for just a few small seconds. A relief. Peter gave me a disappointing look and I felt small, I wanted to sink into a black hole. He quickly shook off his expression and greeted Lisa and Chris with a short and awkward greeting before walking straight into our bedroom. I took a deep breathe. “I’m sorry about that,” I said looking down, feeling both embarrassed and guilty.
Lisa and Chris spoke at the same time. “Oh gosh, don’t worry about it,” Lisa quickly said and Chris added; “It can’t be easy for him.”
“No, it’s not easy,” I answered. “At least I’ve seen her in my dreams. He never gets to see her.” Chris and Lisa both looked at each other. “What?!” Lisa yelped. “Like the dreams you had with Peter?”
“Sort of… I don’t know.” I looked at them. “They feel as if they could be but I also know how desperately I want that to be true, so there is a possibility that it’s just wishful thinking? Still, when I see her in my dreams it feels so real and wonderful.”
Chris had been so sceptic back when I had told him about the dreams with Peter. He still wouldn’t quite admit that it was the same Peter and he had a few theories of what could have happened. Like for example, he would insist that I must have seen him before I started dreaming about him without noticing. He said my subconscious mind was playing tricks on me. But he couldn’t explain how both Peter and I remembered them, although I was the one that remembered them more vividly. So needles to say, I was feeling a little nervous as to how his reaction would be this time around and I didn’t want him to ruin my time with Erin. Chris looked thoughtful.
“That’s a sign,” he said.
Lisa and I just stared at him.
“Where is Chris and what have you done with him,” Lisa joked.
“Well, it has to be. I know I’ve had my doubts in the past regarding these unexplainable events and FYI, I’m sorry to have doubted you, my friend. I suppose that it could have been true, the thing with Peter. I mean, the odds of you having such detailed information about him, even about his personality, before even meeting him is off the charts. And that worked out for you in the end didn’t it? Maybe Erin is in a coma to?” he suggested.
“Yeah but where?” I said feeling a little panicked over the thought of her being in a coma. “Where is her body then? I mean, We’ve already checked all the hospitals.
“Yeah I know, it’s just, well, I’m sorry again that I didn’t believe you the last time. This time I’ll support you in this. You clearly have a knack for this super-natural stuff. Maybe you should trust what you see?” he suggested.
I felt shocked hearing him say it and Lisa was clearly stunned. It wasn’t the Chris we knew. Maybe he had started to believe or perhaps accepted that there could be more to life than just the things we see and touch.
Lisa took my hand. “Tell us about the dreams,” she said.
So I did. We must have sat there for a couple of hours just discussing all the dreams I’d had. I went into great detail and they were fascinated by the stories I told. It felt good to talk about her. It made it all the more real, like she was actually there in some parallel universe and that she was happy. “Wow…just wow. See I told you my gut instinct was on to something!” Lisa announced happily.
“You don’t know that for sure,” I said. I felt afraid of getting my hopes up. Then again, that was the only hope I had, and I wasn’t sure I could handle a ‘no hope’ situation.
It was time for them to leave. Chris was already late for his appointment but had made up an excuse to the manager that he was supposed to have met a half an hour earlier, blaming it on another meeting that had dragged out. He was very convincing.
Both Lisa and Chris gave me huge hugs before leaving. I counted myself lucky for having such amazing friends.
“Let me know about any more dreams you have ok. It means something I just know it,” Lisa said before heading for the door.
I walked to our bedroom to see if Peter was alright. He sat up on the bed looking warn-out. I sat myself down beside him and put my chin on his shoulder. He pulled away.
“Are you ok?” I asked.
“You certainly seem to be,” he responded sarcastically.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked, feeling verbally attacked and unusually so by Peter. I didn’t quite recognise his behaviour.
He puffed out air angrily before responding. “The three of you laughing…like nothing has changed. Like our daughter isn’t missing.” I stood up and backed away a couple of steps. “How dare you!!” I said feeling incredibly hurt by his words.
“And why aren’t you trying to get her back in the dreams? I heard you talking out there. It’s like you’re not even trying, like you’re just having fun.” Now it felt like he literally had a hammer to my heart, beating the crap out of the little fire I still had left in there. It felt so painful and at first I just sat there unable to speak…but then I started feeling mad. Anger was replacing the hurt and fast at that. “First of all, they were trying to cheer me up. I haven’t smiled for weeks. I didn’t think I remembered how to?!” I was raising my voice higher and higher. “And I do try to get her back every time I see her but every time I do she fades, and real or not I want to spend every last second
with her. I may never have another dream with her.”
“And I have none!” Peter yelled. “You get to see her, I don’t. And you’re not exactly available for a heart to heart either. Your father is dying of cancer for God’s sake, and you haven’t even shed a tear over it.”
I was boiling with anger. How dare he bring up my dad dying, like I didn’t care.
“I’M TRYING TO SURVIVE!!” I yelled from the top of my lungs. That got his attention. I was starting to find it difficult to breathe now and my eyes were stinging. I was breathing heavily. My voice got smaller.
“If I let it in…I just…I just…” And at that I fell to the floor on my knees and wept. I wept for my missing daughter, I wept for my dying father, I wept for my sad husband, I wept for it all. I felt arms around me and tears on my neck, they were Peter’s tears.
“Sorry… I’m so sorry,” he said with a beaten little voice that I had never heard from him before. I knew he meant it. I knew it had all been too much for him, for us. We had said that we would be there for each other but the fact of the matter was that he reminded me of her and I reminded him of Erin as well and it just hurt. It wasn’t easy for him knowing that I was at least seeing her in my dreams. I knew he felt helpless. He couldn’t do anything to help me either. It was my dad who was dying as well after all.
“Please forgive me?” he said, still weeping into my neck. I nodded slightly.
“Of course I forgive you, I love you Peter.” He put his hands on either side of my face as he looked into my eyes. “I love you… I love you,” he said.
I looked deep into his ice-blue eyes and he looked back into mine. The attraction had always been so strong between us. Like magnets drawn to each other. We had been in each other’s presence these last few weeks but we hadn’t really connected the way we used to connect before all hell broke loose. I felt as though I was looking at the sun. So intense, so longingly. I had felt like I was drowning and looking at him was like breathing again. We were inches apart. His hands still on either side of my face. Simultaneously, we came together and kissed. It was a rough, desperate kiss. I pulled off his shirt and he grabbed my t-shirt, pulling it over my head. I put my hand on the back of his head, pulling him towards me and kissed him again whilst he undid my jeans. I pulled them down quickly whilst he pulled off his with immense speed. He grabbed my waist and pulled me up as I wrapped my legs around him. His hands were on my bottom as we kissed hard, our tongues finding each other. He turned towards the bed with me in his arms and lay me down. The need for him was almost painful. I spread my legs and he came down on me, finding his way in as if we were one body, my body welcomed his and we both groaned with pleasure. He was in me, moving in a rhythm. I wrapped my legs around his waist again, wanting him to be as far as possible in me. I grabbed the back of his head and kissed him again. We were one strong energy moving as if to some universal force. I could feel myself coming as I groaned harder. His body responded with mine and we both climaxed together. The ecstasy of it was powerful, as if it had been waiting for a long time. We lay there for a while. Him still in me. It felt good to be so physically together. He looked into my eyes. We loved each other so intensely. Yet, neither of us could bare a life without Erin.
That night we lay down in bed together. It felt good having him next to me again. We held onto each other, knowing that we would always be there for one another. For better or for worse as they say, and it sure as hell couldn’t get any worse than this surely. It felt like we might have found a way back to each other. Together we were stronger. He held me tight as I eventually heard him drift off to sleep, his breathing becoming heavier.
I lay there, happy to be in his arms but unable to fall asleep. A million thoughts were running through my mind and I wanted so desperately to fall asleep so that I could see Erin again and maybe…just maybe get her back somehow. It seemed impossible but even if there was the smallest chance, I would do everything in my power. Maybe I hadn’t been trying hard enough…
Chapter 15 Insomnia
I had began staring up at our white sealing with its silvery wavy lines after a couple of hours of trying to fall asleep. It resembled water and was quite calming to look at. I remembered having that thought as we had decided what pattern to buy for the bedroom a couple of years back. There were so many details I hadn’t paid attention to until now. I never normally had any trouble falling asleep and started to feel really bad for the poor souls that suffered from insomnia. Your body screaming at you that you needed to rest and you being unable to meet that need was beyond frustrating. Especially when I knew that I probably had my beautiful girl on the other end waiting for me.
Peter had slept like a baby. I watched him breathe. He looked so calm and peaceful. I wondered where his mind was now? In a sort of dreamscape perhaps, that he might or might not remember as he woke up? He seemed to be in a good place and that calmed me a little.
I got up eventually, leaving Peter in the bed and walked through to the kitchen to make myself some coffee.
I didn’t feel right. My body needed rest but my mind was refusing to let me.
The fridge was basically empty. Both my mum and Peter’s mum had done the shopping for us so far but now we were down to a tiny bit of cheese, a few out of date yoghurts and a half eaten pack of eggs.
I decided to wait until Peter woke up and then I would go to the store to get some shopping. I had to get out. Maybe the fresh air would help me fall asleep later. I was deep in thought for some time. Staring at the news and letting my imagination get the better of me. My horrible imagination. “Morning,” Peter said right next to me. I jumped and spilled my coffee that had gone cold. I hadn’t noticed him walking into the room.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said and brought a cloth to help clean up the coffee from the floor.
I put my hand on my chest. He had given me a good fright. I was on edge due to the lack of sleep. “That’s ok, my mind was elsewhere,” I answered him.
He looked at me with a half smile.
“So…did you see her?” he asked.
I felt awful. First he was jealous of me seeing her in my dreams and now he wanted me to see her and I couldn’t bloody fall asleep. I didn’t want to disappoint him.
“I never fell asleep,” I said looking away. I couldn’t bare to look at him. He didn’t say anything but put one hand on my shoulder, probably to show support. Then he walked over to the counter and poured himself some coffee. “Listen, I’m going to head to the supermarket soon for some food. Do you need me to get you anything?” I asked, still not looking at him.
“No, I’m fine.”
I nodded at his reply and walked back to our bedroom to get myself ready. I felt ashamed. Even though we’d had the good talk the night before, I felt like I was letting him down somehow. I had the link to Erin… The only link. There were no other traces of her. None. And now I couldn’t even do that right.
I arrived at the supermarket early in the morning. It was a twenty-four hour store so time wasn’t an issue with them. It was however early enough that pensioners and mums on parent leave had started showing up so I wasn’t alone in the store although I almost wish I had been. I randomly started putting things into my trolley. Fresh bread, milk, yoghurt, chocolate, bacon, chicken and cereal. I walked slowly, not wanting to go hurry home to a disappointed husband. Or at least I felt like a disappointment. Maybe it was my fault Erin had disappeared in the first place. She had held my hand tight that last night. I shouldn’t have left her alone in her bedroom…
I looked at the food in my trolley and felt disgusted. I was buying things that I had no desire to ever eat. Why eat at all? Why was I even here in this world? Was mankind meant to suffer like this?
It just didn’t seem right.
God I missed my daughter! I had been looking forward to seeing her last night and now that I hadn’t I was starting to understand how Peter felt.
My poor husband.
I stopped in an isle where all the medication was. I was looking for some painkillers when my eyes landed on a packet that read ‘sleep aid’. I picked it up and read the back label on it. Maybe this could help me get back to Erin? I put it in the trolley and took a couple of steps before stopping and turned to grab another one, just to be safe.
I had been walking in the shop for a couple of hours in slow motion before heading back. A shop attendant had even asked if I was okay and if I was looking for something in particular since I had been there so long. I felt silly after that so I payed for my groceries and left.
Peter was sitting on the couch as I got back in holding a couple of grocery bags.
“Have you been at your mum’s house?” he asked, getting up to help me with the bags.
“No, why?” I asked, feeling a little uneasy. Had something happened?
“Well, I just assumed. You were gone for so long.”
“Oh,” I replied. I didn’t want to tell him that I had been at the supermarket for longer in order to avoid him.
“I just took my time, that’s all. I needed to get out.”
“I can relate to that,” he said as he started unpacking the groceries.
I quickly got to the bags and was looking for the sleeping pills. For some reason I didn’t want him to see them. I felt the little square boxes in my hand and quickly took them out whilst Peter was putting the milk in the fridge. I put the sleeping pills in my pocket and then opened up a cupboard, grabbing the sugar I had bought and putting it on a shelf. I looked over at him and smiled ever so slightly. He seemed a little confused as he looked at me but smiled and turned to continue with the groceries.
It was getting late. It wasn’t easy to tell though since it had been grey the enti