Chapter 18 Can You See Me?
I was walking down Princes Street, the main street of Edinburgh, looking at shop windows. I saw a beautiful fairy umbrella that I knew Erin would love. Maybe I could get her that for Christmas? It was a grey day but it wasn’t raining although there was a little chill in the air and a slight drizzle from time to time. The Edinburgh castle was dark looking as I glanced up towards it. Shadows were moving in the windows. Probably just tourists, still, it gave me the chills. The street was packed with a wide variety of people. A lot of tourists were there but also a lot of scots out and about for some clothes shopping or just having a look around. I looked back at the window where I had seen the umbrella but it was gone. Instead it had been replaced by a bunch of dark and boring looking umbrellas. They must have changed it fast as I had looked away.
I continued walking down the street with my hands in my denim jacket pockets. I wasn’t here to buy anything specific. I wasn’t actually sure what I was doing here in the first place. A few yards away I spotted a man in his forties wearing a beige jacket, he had a fatherly look to him. He was holding hands with a little girl as they were walking away. She had wavy, long and dark hair and she was wearing clothes I recognised. Clothes Erin was wearing the day before she disappeared. We had been over it a thousand times and I remembered exactly what she had been wearing. Black tights with heart shapes, a long black and pink top and a denim jacket with studs. I stopped in my tracks. She didn’t just look like Erin, she was Erin. I ran ahead as fast as I could and grabbed hold of the little girl whilst pushing away the man with force. “Let go of her!” I yelled, looking angrily in his direction while still holding on tight to Erin. But when I looked back at who I thought was Erin, I saw a frightened tearful girl staring back at me. She wasn’t in Erin’s clothes at all, had I imagined it? She had similar hair but it wasn’t as long as Erin’s. “Oh my God,” I said as I let go. The father was looking angrily at me whilst comforting who I suspect was his daughter. I held my hands up to my mouth in shock.
“I am so sorry, I thought she was someone else.” “Well next time have a closer look before you scare the living daylight out of my daughter… Crazy lass.”
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry,” I said as they quickly moved away to get rid of me.
I felt awful. That poor girl. I had been so sure that it was Erin. It had looked exactly like her from behind but I must have been imagining things. I continued down the street and ended up walking to Princes Street Park where I sat down on a patch of grass and just listened to the world around me. I saw a hot air ballon higher up. They were waving at me. I waved happily back. I thought I recognised the people in it and had a closer look. “Emma!” I said out loud. Of course they couldn’t hear me but I was speaking more to myself than anything. It was my sister and as I continued to look at the other people in it I noticed my whole family there, as well as Lisa and Chris. But they didn’t look happy. They looked panicked, and they were pointing towards something. I looked around but couldn’t figure out what they were trying to show me. I looked back up at them and now I heard them loud and clear.
“Erin is there! She is over by the swings!” Emma shouted. The others were pointing but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
I jumped up and ran in the direction of their pointing. I headed towards the swings and saw her. This time I was sure, it really was her. My heart started raising, the adrenaline kicked in at first but a couple of steps later I felt so heavy. I looked down at my feet and noticed that I was wearing huge heavy wellington boots. I tried getting them off but it was as if they were glued to me. I felt so frustrated and gave up on trying to get them off and instead tried to power through it. Why were my legs so heavy?
“Erin…” I tried shouting but all that came out was a whisper. Like the kind when you have lost your voice.
“Erin,” I tried again. She didn’t seem to be interacting with the other children but was just playing on her own. I took heavy step by heavy step until I was close enough that she should’ve seen and heard me.
“Erin,” my raspy voice echoed silently out. Erin turned around and looked in my direction, but it was as if she was looking straight through me. I knew she had somehow heard me but could she see me? She lifted her shoulders as if she had imagined it and started walking away.
“Erin, no…come back…come back,” I tried shouting, feeling helpless and incredibly frustrated.
The scene around me changed and I was freed from the bonds that held me. But where was I now? It looked like a place of utter beauty with big colourful flowers that were shining like the sun and magnificently huge trees that seemed to guard the landscape. I felt a wave of love and calmness wash over me as I took a deep breath. The sun was kissing my face and I heard waves touching on a shore that didn’t seem too far away. I walked towards the sound and saw what I had expected. A beautiful beach. Light seemed to be everywhere. However, it wasn’t like sunlight. It was more of a loving light. I felt so loved and excepted. Any burden I may have had was lifted. I looked down the beach and saw Erin playing in the sand. She was building a sand castle. I walked up to her and smiled. I got down on my knees and stretched out my hand to touch her arm gently but as I got closer to her my hand turned into a million little stars, like sparkling dust that spread out.
I quickly pulled back my arm out of fright and my hand was once again whole. I held onto it and wondered what that was all about. Then I tried again, very slowly this time. As I got within half a yard of her it was as if there was a veil. I put my fingers slowly through it and saw the same thing that I had seen before. It didn’t hurt and was actually incredibly beautiful, shining like diamonds with soft glowing light hitting the surface, but why was it happening? Erin hadn’t noticed me at all. “Erin!!” I said, this time with my voice back, loud and clear. But she didn’t respond. It was as if I was a ghost, and I couldn’t touch her either. What if I put my whole body through the veil. Would she see me then? I had to try, no matter what the cost. I couldn’t be without her any longer. I took a deep breath, stood up and walked right at the veil that was separating me and my daughter. I put my foot in first. I couldn’t feel my foot anymore but in it’s place was a warm feeling. It didn’t hurt at all. It transformed into a million stars like it had with my hand. I continued slowly, watching my body disintegrate as it passed over the veil. I was about to take my last step in when I felt myself being pulled from behind. My body was flung back and I landed hard on the ground. My head felt like it exploded.
My eyes flew open and I was lying on the floor back in Edinburgh. I had fallen off my bed and hit my head on the bedside table. I sat up clumsily and felt the back of my head. It was sore. I tried touching it but it stung. I looked at my fingers and noticed that I was bleeding. Peter rushed in. He had been in the kitchen.
“Alex,” he said as he rushed over to me where I sat on the floor. “Did you fall off the bed…here let me have a look,” he said as I bent forward so he could see. He had to get up and put the lights on before seeing what damage had been done. “You’ve got a bump…hang on,” he said before he ran out of the room and came back with our emergency kit and took out a few antibacterial wipes. “This might sting a little.”
He wasn’t joking. It stung like hell.
“Ouch” I yelled.
“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just a small cut… I don’t think we need to go to the emergency room but I’ll clean you up and get some ice for that bump.” “Thank you… Sorry for yelling,” I said looking at him with apologetic eyes.
“Don’t worry about it…you must have got a good fright falling out of bed.”
“Yeah,” I said as I started to remember the dream. I didn’t have the heart to tell Peter that she was fading. He didn’t need to know that. It was a burden that I would carry myself. I didn’t know what it meant. It was heartbreaking watching her and not being able to communicate. Maybe this was just a random dream though, maybe it didn’t mean anything? Maybe I would see her again tonight…