Someone once said that you learn and grow from the tough times in your life, but what was I supposed to learn here? That I had been too blessed? Was I not developing enough spiritually or being a fast enough learner? Was I being punished? Was this karma for something that I had done in a previous life? I couldn’t see the purpose of it all.
I had woken up that morning feeling as if everything was ok. I had woken up feeling all the love in the world, as if under a trance. I stretched out my body and enjoyed the comfort of my soft bed… But then I remembered. I remembered every little gory detail of my life that seemed to be falling apart more and more for every waking day. I recollected the dream I’d had with the angel. She can’t have been right about it all. I didn’t want to believe it. And what had she done with me in the end? It was as if she had given me some powerful drug. My Erin had to come home. How else could I survive? The thought was too hard to take in. It could in fact, just have been a dream. Maybe it was? I mean, the majority of all of my dreams since I was a child had been made up and I was under a lot of stress so surely this could be the result of a lot of worry? Yes, I think that is what it was.
It had been exactly forty-four days since Erin’s disappearance. The pain in my chest was as heavy as the first day that she had disappeared. I couldn’t see a future anymore. I couldn’t enjoy the present time either.
Peter walked through hastily.
“Alex, there are policemen with dogs at the park. They look as if they have found something,” he said, putting on a jumper.
“Well have they called to say anything?” I asked. “No, but I don’t think they would unless they found something.”
“Ok, hang on. I’m coming too,” I said as I hopped out of bed and threw on the closest clothes I could find. A pair of jeans I rarely washed that probably smelled awful by now and a t-shirt that hung over a chair, also probably smelly but I just didn’t seem to care anymore.
We went outside. It was about a hundred yards away or so. As we came closer we saw that they were digging a hole in the ground. I ran up to the police officer standing closest to us.
“What have you found?” I asked, almost yelling at the poor guy.
“I’m sorry miss, I can’t give you any information on that I’m afraid,” he said, barely looking at me. “Hey!?” I said angrily. “My daughter is missing, I have a right to know everything that is happening around this area.”
The police officer looked at me sternly. “I am going to have to ask you to calm down miss. If the department working on your case finds something they will let you know and if we find something related, they will also let you know. Now I would suggest you go back to your home and let us get on with our job.”
I was boiling on the inside. How dare he?! Peter held me back a bit.
“Look,” he said to the police officer. “We just want to know if it is related, we haven't heard anything for weeks. I’m sure you understand?” Peter said calmly.
The police officer took a deep breath, he looked as if he was deciding on what to do.
“Look, like I said before I can’t give you any information. The only thing we know is that the dogs have sniffed out something that we’re checking out just now. I promise that if it is related to your case you will be notified.” Peter and I looked at each other.
“Ok,” Peter said. “We understand…but is it ok if we stand here for a while.”
“I would advice you not to but it’s up to you. As long as you don’t cross the yellow line…and keep her in check,” he said pointing at me. I felt like spitting at him but I held it together and just looked away.
The police officer walked off and we stood still, trying to see what they were digging up. There were three men digging and a couple of dogs standing obediently by their sides. Then they stopped. One hopped down. He looked as if he had found something. I leant forward trying to get a better look. I saw an arm and then the top of a head as they seemed to be dragging out a body. A body with long dark hair… I loosened myself from Peter’s grip and ran under the yellow tape as fast as I could towards the body. I got halfway there before two police officers grabbed hold of me and held me down by force. I screamed.
“Let me go, I need to see if it’s her! Let me go God damn it!” I screamed at them and flung my body all over like a wild animal trying to get away.
Peter ran to me, he held my face with his hands.
“It’s not Erin!” he yelled. “It’s not our girl!” I looked at him with big eyes as my body stopped struggling to get away. He held me tight as I started to weep. The relief from knowing that it wasn’t her was overwhelming. It wasn’t my baby. I had been so over pumped with adrenalin and strong emotion that I had to sit there with Peter for a while before getting up. My knees felt weak and I was shaking. The police officers backed away as I stopped struggling. The grass was wet from the light rain that had fallen for hours prior to that and my legs were feeling the chill of it through my jeans. The police officers were stressing us to leave as we weren’t allowed to be there. Peter helped me up, put an arm around me and then we walked back home slowly.
I felt empty and lost but also relieved as I walked in through our front door. My mobile was ringing as we walked in. I answered, it was mum.
“Hi mum,” I mumbled.
“Alex darling, your father isn’t well. I think you need to come over,” she said. I could hear her trying to hold back the tears.
“I’m on my way,” I answered automatically and hung up the phone. I looked over at Peter. He read me well.
“Is it your dad?” he asked. I nodded.
“Come on, lets go,” he said as he grabbed the car keys. I felt the back of my legs. “I just need to change first,” I said and walked into my bedroom to put on another pair of dry jeans. I looked to the windowsill and saw a picture of Erin sitting on my dad’s knee. It was a magical picture taken on Erin’s third birthday. She was wearing angel wings and smiling up at my dad like he was the only one in her world. They connected, they had a bond. It was as if they had known each other in a previous life. Sometimes when we visited them it was as if he was her best friend in the world. It kind of made you feel like a third wheel at times. I giggled to myself as I recalled those times. Peter came in to see me holding the picture in my hands.
“Why don’t you bring that along? I’m sure your dad would love to see it,” he said.
“Yes, I think you’re right,” I said smiling ever so slightly, recalling the memory.
As we drove up and parked by the road next to my parents house I noticed Jason’s car there as well. Emma would probably also be there I guessed. Despite still living with my parents she was out a lot. Now however, I was sure that she was home more for dad’s sake.
We walked up the stone path that had dark red and off-white roses amongst other new flowers on either side that I hadn’t seen before and I wondered if it was mum or dad that had taken it upon themselves to become the gardener of the house. I would’ve guessed dad because he usually tended to the back garden, making sure the grass was cut and the general tidiness of it but he was ill so I wasn’t sure he had the strength these days. It looked lovely nonetheless.
I knocked on the door with a slightly shaky hand and heard quick footsteps in the hallway. The door flew open, it was Emma. She looked a little stressed but other than that I couldn’t read her expression.
She took a long hard look at me.
“Jesus sis, you need to remember to eat,” she said.
“I looked down at my body as if I’d missed something. But I knew I was thinning and I also knew I took no notice of my appearance either. I just didn’t care. I frowned and raised my eyebrows. “The sick look is the new high fashion, haven’t you heard,” I said looking at her and then we both burst out laughing. It was all just too much. Laugh over a silly thing or go under. It felt good to laugh with my sister. It reminded me of the people I still had in my life whom I loved. She grabbed hold of me and gave me a huge hug. As she pulled away I could see in her eyes that she was just as messed up as I was. Under a sort of survival programming of the brain.
We followed her through the hallway and up the stairs through to mum and dad’s bedroom. Jason was leaning by the door, he hugged me as I came in. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t have to, the look on his face said it all. My mum was sitting on a chair by the bed holding a tissue to her mouth as if not wanting her emotions to escape. My dad lay in the bed. He looked as if he was sleeping, I could see his slow breathing through an oxygen mask over his face. A middle-aged nurse with short dark hair and glasses was also there checking on his vitals. She didn’t look up, but looked busy with something and I thought it best not to disturb. My mum walked up and gave me a long hug, which was unusual for her. This was it, I thought, this was the final stage. I could feel it in the air as if it was written in block letters.
“Dad,” I said as tears started to form in my eyes and I choked up.
He blinked a little and turned to look at me. He had heard me. The corner of his mouth twitched a little, sending a half-smile my way. I ran to his side and took his hand with both of mine, holding it to my face. I had tried not to cry, to hide it so that I wouldn’t upset him more, but I was feeling too overwhelmed. The glass was more than full to the brim, it was filled like ten times over. It was impossible to hold in the emotions I was feeling. “Were they that awful?” he asked, removing the mask from his face.
I was confused by the question.
“What?” I asked, sniffling away. “The pathway to the house, my new flower arrangement. I thought it was pretty good myself but if you are crying over it it can’t have been very good.”
My tears turned a corner as I started laughing instead. Both emotions crashing in to one big heap of uncontrollable laughing with tears still streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop either. Emma joined in as did Peter, Jason and dad. We got a complete fit of the giggles. I laughed so hard my stomach started to ache. After a while I noticed mum over by her chair. She wasn’t laughing, she looked sad and serious as she looked down towards her feet. That made me gradually stop and then it all went quiet again.
“I brought a picture for you,” I said, taking out the framed picture of Erin sitting on my dad’s knee. He reached out his tired hand and took it. He looked at it for a while, his eyes were filled with love and sadness.
“I know you’ll get her back Alex. Don’t ask me how, I just know.”
My mum clearly couldn’t handle it anymore. She stood up quickly and looked at us. “I’ll make us all some tea shall I?” she said. She didn’t wait for a reply, she simply stormed out of the room as if on a mission.
Jason came up next to me. I looked up at my handsome older brother. He looked like dad. I had never really thought about it before but I saw it now. He had the same almond shaped deep brown eyes and the same look on his face when he was worried, like he was now. He looked at me and winked, like he was up to something. “You know dad, I feel like I need to confess something,” he said.
“Really, go on then. I’m all ears,” my dad answered, looking curious.
“Well you know that time when I was fifteen and there was a big scratch mark on your car and I told you that it had been some punk kid walking past the house that had done it? Well…I had taken your car for a drive that day and I had accidentally bumped the car up against a wall…,” he said making an ‘I’m guilty face’.
My dad chuckled. “I know,” he said. Jason looked confused.
“You did.”
“Of course I did,” my dad replied.
“But how come you weren’t angry or punished me.”
“I saw on your face that you were punishing yourself enough as it was. It’s just a thing and you can’t put too much value on things. Life is meant to be lived, not by materials but by experience. Sure, things can help you on the way but in the end it’s the experiences and the love you have that you value. So no, although it was my favourite car to date…my beautiful yellow Ford Thunderbird, she was a stunning piece of machinery, it is still just a thing.”
My brother Jason looked rather relieved. “Well ok then, well said pops.”
“And don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother,” he said winking at my brother. “Mind you. She hated the thing”, he continued, laughing.
Jason, being the great storyteller that he was, went on to tell us about a funny story about a customer that he’d had at the pub in a finer place in Edinburgh that he now owned. There was a toilet situation involved in the story and we were all laughing in the end. Talk about a nightmare coming true. Jason really had the knack for making any situation sound funny. It was a gift really. Mum had come up with tea and biscuits. We all sat down around dad and started talking about other funny stories from our childhood. Peter sat by my side holding me, he flung in a couple of stories as well. Peter and Jason at parties was a match made in heaven. They had a similar sense of humour and together, they made a great entertainment team.
It didn’t feel like a sad evening. It felt more like we sat around a bonfire enjoying our lives as a family and talking about good memories. Dad was smiling all the time. The nurse had gone home, telling us that she would be back in the morning to check on him but to call if anything should happen. We all sat there having all but forgotten that dad was dying. It even felt as though Erin was there. In my mind she had already fallen asleep on Emma’s bed as she normally did when we were here later in the evenings. My mum had even smiled a couple of times at the memories we were providing. However, it was getting very late and my dad was starting to look increasingly sleepy. My mum had prompted us that we should maybe go home and come back in the morning, or if we wished to stay then that would be ok as well, but we had to let dad get some sleep. I didn’t feel like going home but we were always afraid to be away too long just in case Erin showed up. A fools thought really but nonetheless. Then again, I didn’t want to leave dad, I had no idea the amount of time he had left. I didn’t want to miss a moment with him. Peter and I talked about it for a while and then decided that Peter would go home and I would stay here in the guest bedroom.
I said “good night” to dad, kissing him on the forehead. “I love you dad,” I said but he had already fallen asleep. I walked Peter to the car. We hugged and I felt as though I didn’t want to let go. He was my strength now. I couldn’t have gone through any of this without him by my side. I wouldn’t have survived.
“I love you,” I whispered to him. “I love you so much.”
“I love you to,” he replied.
We kissed before we let go of each other and I walked back up to the house, turning to see Peter drive off and waving to me whilst giving me that half smile, showing his dimple that I loved so much.
My mum had made my bed in the guest bedroom, which used to be my old bedroom. The sheets on the bed were my old sheets from when I was a teenager. The room was re-decorated since then with new wallpaper, a soft green pleasant colour, and gone were all my countless drawings and paintings, apart from three that my mum had framed and put up neatly. One of them was of a beautiful woman which come to think of it, looked a lot like the angel I had met, but also looked a little like me. The other was of the sea, twinkling away in the moonlight, and the third was a portrait I had made of dad. It resembled his character well. I had done it using soft pens and creating shadows.
I got into bed and felt as if I was a child again. Mum came in with a glass of water that she put on the wooden bedside table and then she tucked me in. I didn’t mind being treated as a child. I welcomed it. I wanted to be looked after. I wanted to be small again and not have to deal with what life throws at you. Of course life throws you things as a child as well but when you are a child it is the adults that have to put on the brave faces. They have to pick up the pieces. I was too tired to pick up the pieces now. I wasn’t even sure I would ever be able to pick them up at all.
I stared at the ceiling for a long time, not thinking of anything specific. Just praying over and over in my head. ‘Please God, please give me my girl back’, ‘please God, please give me my girl back’. Over and over until finally my eyelids grew heavy and I fell into a deep sleep.