I woke up in my old bed having slept like a child and for a moment I had forgotten about all the negative things going on. The familiar smell from my childhood hung in the air and the sun was shining through the window hitting the edge of the bed. It was a comfortable and cosy home feeling. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a missed call from Lisa. She wanted to meet up. I stretched out my arms and legs followed by a big yawn and slowly sat up in my bed rubbing my face before texting back. I was kind of swamped with family issues and thought it was a little selfish of her to even ask but she was one of my best friends so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was important.
I texted her back and told her that it was tricky just now because of dad and that I wasn’t sure if I was even up for it. She replied back that it was quite important and that it would mean a lot to her. I wanted to check on dad before giving her an answer so I got up slowly, wearing an old pair of pyjamas covered in red hearts that I used to wear for bed when I was a teenager, not the sexiest thing to wear in bed but certainly fitting at my parents house.
I was feeling a little heavy yet well slept as I walked through to my dad’s bedroom. The nurse was there. She looked concentrated as she checked his vitals. He seemed to be sleeping.
“How is he doing?” I quietly asked. The nurse looked up.
“As good as can be expected,” she replied.
I took another look at dad.
“I‘m going to pop out for a couple of hours at the most. If he wakes, can you tell him I’ll be back soon?” I asked.
“Of course. I’m sure he’ll be sleeping for most of the day anyway,” she said with a sympathetic look. I texted Lisa back and told her that I would meet up with her. She wanted Peter to be there as well and suggested a bar on the Grassmarket, a place where we had always enjoyed having a beer or a glass of wine in the past. There was even a bar there called ‘The Last Drop’, where back in the day people who were going to be hung, got to drink their last pint of beer before being sent to their doom. There was a lot of history there and you could almost feel it in the air. Not in a scary way, but you felt the past and present joined up somehow. We decided on lunch, which would give me an hour or so to get ready. I called Peter before having a long shower, we decided that he would pick me up and we would head there together.
I had drank a half cup of strong coffee when I heard the doorbell. Mum had given me a hard time about not eating breakfast but I had insisted that I was going to eat a big lunch, she had only given up as I walked to the front door opening it for Peter. We looked the same, him and I. Dark circles under the eyes and all together sad. I’m not even sure why Lisa would want to meet us both. We were so depressing to be with. Even I was sick of us. Mind you, I was sick of everything. Depression creeping in like a foul beast at the pit of my stomach. Peter had lost weight too. His jeans were loose. He had let his facial hair grow. I use to love his stubble, it made him look so sexy, but it was longer now and he hadn’t trimmed it or even washed his face. He was a shadow of the man I knew. Still, I loved him. There was only him. Always had been, even before I knew him, and always would be. Despite his new ragged look.
We got in the car and drove to the Grassmarket. It was a sunny day. Some of the leaves on the trees were feeling autumn’s early touch and had started turning various colours of yellow and red. Erin would have noticed such beauty. I could hear her now. ‘Mummy, look at the trees’. She would talk none stop about the different colours and the way they played in the air. I smiled, just thinking about it.
We stepped into ‘The Last Drop’. It was a very traditional and cosy looking pub with dark wooden chairs and tables and arched tiled doorways. Lisa and Chris were waving at us from a round table in the corner. We walked over, probably not exuding happy energy from the look on Lisa’s face. She was shining from head to toe as if the whole world was a playground, but when she saw us coming up she frowned as if not understanding what the problem was.
We sat down after being more squeezed than hugged by Lisa and then Chris, even he looked different somehow. His eyes bigger and full of excitement. I felt almost annoyed at this, which inevitably made me feel selfish and then I felt even worse, as if that was even possible.
“Let’s order!” Lisa announced.
We had a look at the menu. I knew I had to eat but wasn’t wanting anything. Chris ordered a hamburger and a pint of beer. I decided on the same, not really caring much. We got our drinks and took a few sips. I felt slightly dizzy almost immediately. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol to drink these last few months and because I wasn’t eating much I couldn’t handle much either. I put down my glass and decided on a slow approach. Lisa looked at me with the biggest smile. “So,” she said taking Chris’s hand. “We have something to ask you.”
Peter and I looked at each other baffled. Were they getting married? They waited a few seconds, probably wanting to gain anticipation, but sadly, neither I nor Peter had much of that these days. They looked at each other and then back at us. “We’re having a baby,” Lisa said and bit her lip whilst smiling, “I’m pregnant!”
I stopped breathing. First it seemed as though time had stopped. Then slowly, as if a tap being slightly nudged and then streaming quickly, a stampede of emotions came through and I smiled. I smiled for Lisa and Chris. I smiled from the thought of a little baby and the best moment of my life, when Erin was born. I also cried. My cheeks were wet. I mourned my child beyond measure, but I was also happy for them. I got up and hugged them both. I hugged Lisa as tears were streaming down my face. “Are you ok hun? I know it’s hard for you,” Lisa kindly whispered over my shoulder as she held me. “Happy tears my friend. Happy tears for your new family,” I whispered back. This was a true friendship. Lisa really did feel like family to me. We sat down again. Peter put his arm around me and I leaned on him in need of his support and him of mine. Chris looked up at us.
“We’d like you to be the godparents,” he said. I looked up at Peter. How could we possibly be good godparents? We were broken. We would never be whole again. Was it even possible for us to spread joy?
“Look,” Chris said. “We know this is so hard for you. We know you are suffering more than we could possibly imagine right now, but you are also the best people we know. You two know love, you know how important it is in life to love and we’ve seen you together for years now. The way you are with each other, the way you are with Erin.” He took a breath. “We can’t pretend like we know if she is coming home or where she is. We will never stop fighting for her return I can promise you that…but life goes on…no matter what happens. We can’t think of anyone we would rather have around our kids.” He paused for a second and I could see that he was thinking of some kind of joke. “We even considered giving the child to you guys. I mean Alex come on, when have you ever imagined me as a dad,” he said and laughed. I smiled a little knowing his sense of humour all to well. “You’ll be a great dad Chris, I have no doubt. If anyone’s gonna forget baby things you know it’ll be Lisa anyway,” I said and we burst out laughing. “Hey!” Lisa said offensively before she too started to giggle.
“I’m kidding with you my friend. You’ll be the best mum ever. Your baby is going to be the best dressed smooth talker in town with a heart of gold with you pair as it’s parents.”
Lisa smiled. “Darling, that kid will look amazing,” she said putting on a fake camp-designer voice. It was an honour being asked to be godparents. In all the darkness there was a tiny speck of light. They were having a little baby, a new life. Chris was right. Life does go on whether you want it to or not.
We ate our lunch. I managed about half before feeling totally stuffed. We talked about baby names and how Chris and Lisa’s parents had taken the news. Apparently they had all been happy to hear about the pregnancy but Lisa’s dad had been a little stressed out that Chris was the father, saying that he couldn’t be trusted and being very honest about it.
“I have some work to do there. Her dad seems immune to my superpower charms,” Chris said, looking alarmingly baffled which made me giggle.
“I’ve got to get back to dad,” I said once everyone looked like they were done with their lunch.
Lisa nodded in agreement.
“How is he doing?” she asked warmly.
I just shook my head.
“Come here,” she said and gave me a big warm hug.
I felt tearful as soon as the subject had arisen but held it together. “Erin?” she asked.
I looked at her and understood the question, like a harsh reality-check.
“No…nothing? I said making myself busy by fiddling with my napkin all of a sudden, not being able to bare the question.
Whilst we had been sitting there I had almost pretended that Erin was at a friends house playing. In all the baby talk I had imagined our kids playing together. Erin wanting to look after the new born tenderly and wanting to tend to her needs and then getting annoyed at the baby when it grew to became a toddler that drooled all over Erin’s toys. But it was a dream, and reality was kicking back in.
We arrived at my parents house and Peter came with me. We walked straight up to dad’s room. He was awake. My mum was beside him reading a newspaper.
“Dad?” I announced.
He looked up in delight.
“Darling, how are you? he asked.
My mother sat beside him, she smiled a little, a rare occasion. I ran over and hugged him. “How are Lisa and Chris?” he asked.
“They are well,” I said sitting down on a chair by
the bed. “They are having a baby.”
“Oh isn’t that lovely!” he said smiling as if he was in no pain whatsoever.
“You seem well,” I said in confusion.
“I feel fine darling. A little tired that’s all.”
“I’ll make us all a cup of tea,” my mother said.
“Alex, would you help me downstairs please.” I nodded and followed her whilst Peter sat down next to dad. I heard them talking about football as I walked out of the room.
“Dad seems surprisingly well,” I said feeling slightly relieved.
“He’s on strong medication dear,” she said looking forlorn. “At least he’s not in so much pain anymore, although he is hallucinating…It’s one of the side effects. They want to make it as comfortable as they can for him until…” She choked on her last word and covered her mouth. I ran over and hugged her, she let me and her tears started to fall on my shoulder. She let herself be vulnerable for a minute before straightening up and clearing her throat.
“Sorry dear, it’s just a little hard. I don’t mean to put that on you.”
“Don’t be silly mum. I am the one you can and should put it on. I am here for you.” I paused and looked down. “We have to be there for each other now. I don’t know how else we can survive this.” She put her palm on my cheek.
“Always,” she said.
We stood in silence while she made tea and took out some biscuits.
“What do you mean by hallucinating?” I asked as I took one of the trays with biscuits and napkins. “He keeps talking to what he thinks is Erin.” I stopped in my tracks.
“What do you mean? What do they talk about?” I asked staring at her.
“Well, this and that. He seems to be happy about it. He laughs a lot. I only noticed it today an hour or so after you had left.”
I felt puzzled. Could it be anything more than hallucinations? Like my dreams of her. Was she somehow reaching out to him? We walked up to the room and everyone got a cup of tea. Peter looked up at me with a fake, worrying smile.
“So according to your dad here aliens are running the country.”
“Well they are!” my dad burst out. “Can’t you see it. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it… Wouldn’t you agree Erin,” he said looking at me. And there was my answer. He really was making it up in his own head. It almost made me want to take whatever drug he was on. An escape from reality would be welcoming right about now and it seemed my dreams weren’t doing their usual magic. We sat there for a good three hours. Dad was starting to look very tired. He had gone on mumbling about other fun things like the opera singer that sang too loudly outside his bedroom window. It was strange seeing my dad like that. He was talking nonsense but he seemed so happy. I couldn’t quite figure out if I felt sorry for him or if it didn’t really matter what was in someone’s head as long as they were happy.
We got up and got ready to leave. Mum had told us to go home. There was nothing but waiting here to be done anyway and we couldn’t check on him when we were sleeping she had said. So it was best for us to head home. Get some sleep and come back in the morning. I kissed dad on the forehead and looked at his sleepy eyes.
“Bye dad, see you tomorrow ok,” I said.
“Come closer,” he whispered. I leaned in closer to him. “Erin is alive.”
It broke my heart but I had to go with the story in order not to break his.
“Mum told me you had spoken to her.” “Yes… Yes I have,” he said and winked at me as if he was up to something.
I stood still, hovering over dad for a couple of seconds before dragging myself away and seriously considering getting hold of those drugs.
We got back to our messy home. After being away from it for a day I noticed how filthy we had let it get. Had it been a few months earlier I would have felt ashamed. Now I didn’t feel too bothered. However, I needed to get my mind off things so I told Peter I was going to clean the flat. He joined in, also wanting to distract himself with something. We didn’t stop until we had cleaned every little nook and cranny in the flat. It took us a good three hours before we were done but it looked back to normal now. I tidied Erin’s room as well but only by dusting it. I didn’t want to change anything. The bed wasn’t made and there lay a few teddies and dolls around the room. I could still feel her energy in the air. It would’ve felt too cold if it looked immaculately clean.
Normally we would clean and tidy every Friday after work so that when Saturday morning came we got up to a clean and fresh home and we could focus on other fun things rather than having to start the day by cleaning and tidying the flat. Not that we were bothered about that now. We popped on the TV and didn’t say much after we were done. I didn’t have the same satisfied feeling I normally got when all the cleaning was done for obvious reasons.
We sat like zombies on the couch for some time and it dawned on me that this was my new life. It wasn’t a matter of living anymore. It was a matter of surviving. One day I would pass on. I yearned for that day, horrible as that must sound but I did. I wanted to see Erin again. I loved Peter and I didn’t want to leave him though. But I was convinced I would see her again when it was my time to pass over. I just had to get through life first. However hard, I would get there. She had been worth the wait before I gave birth to her. Peter had been worth the wait before I met him. Now we would wait together. Go through the pain together. I couldn’t do it without him. I looked over at his sad but still beautiful face.
“Will you hold me tonight?” I asked.
“Always… I will always hold you.”