It was dark. I thought my eyes were open but how could they be when there was absolutely no indication of light. Even on the darkest of days there was always a sliver of light, perhaps from the moon or a street lamp, but now there was nothing. Was I in a forest perhaps? Maybe I was far away from civilisation with a thick layer of clouds above my head that was making it seem pitch black? I couldn’t hear anything either, not even the sound of wind or the flow of a lake or river. The hairs on my arms stood up and I shivered. Where was I? I felt bare, like I was wearing a very thin layered dress, leaving me feeling slightly exposed, but to whom, to what? I was alone, or at least I thought I was. My feet were cold and bare. The ground was hard and flat. My heart started beating faster and the hairs on my arms stood up. I had no idea where I was and it was frightening me.
I heard a mechanical click as if something opened which made me turn and look around, searching for the source of the sound and saw soft light beginning to show, squeezing in-between hard surfaces. I seemed to be surrounded by walls and a roof that was expanding. The sliver of light hit my eyes and I blinked. I looked up and saw the walls turning into huge squares. The light was coming from behind them. Pictures and sounds began to show up on screens. It was all around me. I couldn’t see it very clearly at first. It was making me feel dizzy as I attempted to take it all in. A small box floated past me as if in slow motion. I put my hand out to grab it. It was fairly warm to the touch and felt familiar. It was like an old picture frame. I gazed upon the square. Erin showed up on it, surrounding the whole cube. She was about two months old. I smiled warmly, remembering her as a baby. Then she started to cry. I remembered this memory well. She wouldn’t stop crying. I was breast feeding her at the time but she wasn’t putting on weight, even though I was feeding her several times a day. Peter and I were so worried. We took her to the doctors and they told us that my milk wasn’t thick enough and that we should start giving her formula milk for half of her feedings. As soon as her wee belly got filled she was shining like the sun again.
She was smiling up at me from the picture now but the picture was fading. Then it was as if someone hit an off switch. The cube shut down and felt cold and hard again, dissolving in my hand into dust. I frowned and felt a little scared at the sudden change.
A few other cubes were now flying around me and I noticed that they were all of Erin, memories of her. I reached for another one and nearly slipped, I gasped loudly as I looked down into the darkness. I hadn’t noticed that I was standing on a tall pillar and would fall for even the slightest missstep. I looked over the edge to see if there was some form of ground down there but I couldn’t see an end to it, it made me feel dizzy. I took a small step back, closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts to calm myself down. After a couple of seconds I opened my eyes and looked at the cube that I was holding. Erin was three years old in this picture. Peter and I were in it as well. Erin was sitting on Peter’s lap looking curious. She was asking Peter about space.
“Where does it end?” she had asked. Peter, not knowing the answer had replied “Well how big is your imagination?” Erin looked thoughtful.
“Big,” she concluded and nodded her head as if agreeing with herself.
“Yeah, space is like your imagination. You don’t know where it ends or even if it ends,” he said smiling at her.
I felt myself getting emotional. There was such warmth in these memories, yet everything around me was cold and dark. The cube in my hand did the same as the first. The picture faded quickly and then it dissolved to dust whilst the wind blew it away from me, unable to hold on to a single grain of it. I tried grabbing hold of one of the other cubes flying around but they were just a little far out of reach, just at the end of my outstretched fingers.
The big screens on the walls were lighting up with different memories. I heard words here and there. It felt beyond frustrating not being able to reach the memories. One by one they kept fading. Slowly at first and then faster and faster. I panicked. Where were all the memories going? It grew windier as the process sped up.
“Help!” I yelled loudly into the vast space I was now in. “Please help me,” I begged.
There were only three pictures on the walls now still showing little film clips of memories with Erin. One of them was of Erin drawing a picture at preschool. She was drawing what looked like stars and planets. One of the planets had a little character that I recognised. It was from the planet Erin and I had visited. As I looked at the little character waving she began to fade. My eyes quickly shot to the second to last memory. Erin was about four in this one. She gently held a dead looking white Lily in the palm of her hand. She had noticed that I was coming up to her. She held her finger to her lips. “Ssh, she’s sleeping now,” she said quietly and put the white Lily down by a babbling brook in the forest where we were walking. My heart thought it was going to explode with pride for my child. Standing watching these memories was like having an out of body experience. Whilst I was watching the films it was like I was there but I couldn’t touch it. That memory too now started to fade and like switching off a light switch it was black as night.
I looked at the last and final huge cube of light on the giant wall in front of me, unable to swallow, unable to blink. All else was black and cold. It was as if time had paused. The wind had stopped. The light of the final picture reached the tip of my toes and I realised there was a floor at my feet where only moments ago there had been a dark vast space. I walked towards the screen that appeared to grow slightly bigger. It was as if there was another reality on the other side of that screen. I saw myself putting Erin to bed. I recognised that memory because I had thought of it a million times over the last couple of months. It was the last time I saw her. In the memory I hugged her goodnight and she held my hand hard. She didn’t want me to go. I sang to her then. It was her favourite lullaby ‘Dream a little dream’ by Ella Fitzgerald.
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me…
I was singing the song softly until her eyelids grew heavy. Then I gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered ‘I love you’, I stood up and got ready to leave the room.
I stood there in front of the big scream looking at myself in horror.
“Stop! Turn around you daft cow. Stop! Where are you going? Don’t leave her!!” I shouted at the screen. The me that was on the screen didn’t seem to hear me. She was just walking out of the room with a smile on her face like everything was going to be lovely and rosy. It angered me to such a degree that I ran up to the screen hitting it hard with my fists. “Do you hear me you idiot, don’t leave her.”
I saw myself walking out and leaving my little girl alone in her bedroom. I looked over at Erin lying peacefully in her bed.
“I’m so sorry my angel,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry…”
I saw her fading on the screen, as if she had only been an illusion. A beautiful illusion in my life.
Now gone. Gone forever…
I fell to my knees and put my hands on my face. Tears flowing like a river from my eyes. I just wanted to die. Maybe if I died I would see her again? I couldn’t bare the pain. My thin dress was wet from all the tears I shed.
I sat there until I didn’t have any tears left in my body. I felt as if I had cried out my soul and all that was left now was a shell. I lifted my head slightly and saw to my surprise, Erin in her bedroom again. She was playing with my dad. Another memory I presumed. They both looked up at the same time and waved to me. I frowned in surprise. “Can you see me?” I asked. They didn’t respond and I thought that perhaps it was just like a recorded video. I waved back nonetheless, not wanting them to disappear. The screen moved away from me now and quickly. Far into the distance it flew and then it was gone. I barely had time to react. I sat there staring. I don’t think I had ever felt so alone in my life. I laid down in the dark and felt myself unable to stay awake. As if someone had drugged me I fell into a sleep. A sleep so deep I hoped it would take me away from everything. Maybe I was dying? Maybe I hoped I was…