Gabriela waited by the roses next to the pond for Paul. She prayed their conversation would not end in total disaster. Her fingers fidgeted.
I can’t see how it would end any other way. God, help me through this. I can’t keep living a lie with Paul. I love him too much. Please don’t let this be the last time I see him. “I love him and Alexi so much,” she whispered.
The southeast gateway to Central Park next to the pond was the most heavily trafficked entrance. She saw Paul walking eagerly through the crowd. It’s as if the crowd is made of tinted glass, and Paul was the only person out there who stands out in full, saturated color. She finally understood the old lover’s cliché of ‘I only have eyes for you.’ He really is all I can see.
“Hi, Gabriella. Why such urgency in your voice? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” He reached out to give her a hug and a kiss, but she raised her arms between them and held him at a distance. Paul’s countenance fell in confusion.
“Did I do something wrong? Did I forget to do something, Gabriella?”
Gabriella hushed him. “Paul, I need to tell you something first. Please don’t interrupt me while I am doing it, okay?”
“No problem, honey. I am always here to listen to you. I will always be here to work through things, whatever they may be.”
How I yearn for those words to be true. How I wish Paul understood in advance what I am going to say, but it’s impossible. Not by any stretch of Paul’s fertile imagination can he guess what’s coming up next. He told me once he had finally found something real. Oh God, oh God! How can I do this to him? But how can I not let him know? Her hands were wringing in front of her.
Oh God, please help me with this, she silently pleaded. I don’t want this to end.
“I can’t imagine a life without you, Paul,” came out in a whisper.
“What did you say?” Paul asked.
“Nothing.”
Gabriella gave a painful, wry smile as she considered it could not help but to end in disaster. What can Paul do? Accept the woman he now loves isn’t a woman at all? The person his daughter had become attached to isn’t even human? How else could it end but in complete disaster? Still, I can’t live a lie any longer. Delaying the inevitable will only make it hurt worse later.
“Paul, you really don’t know who I am. You don’t know what I am. I need to tell you, but I don’t know how too. As soon as I do, I’m so afraid you’ll leave, and we’ll never see each other again. I don’t know if I could bear it. I’ve fallen so in love with you and Alexi.”
Gabriella lifted Paul’s hand to her face, closed her eyes, and snuggled into it. She moved his hand away, held it in both of hers, and kissed it gently before speaking.
“I would do anything in the world not to lose either of you, but it’s almost inevitable. My heart is breaking, and I’m shaking with fear and dread. I don’t know what to do, but when the truth comes out later, it will hurt worse, if it’s even possible. I hope you know if it were up to me alone, I would never leave you or ever break your heart.”
Paul’s face reflected a mix of confusion and gravity. “Gabriella, the last thing in the world I would want to do is lose you. What on earth could be so terrible? Did you rob a bank? I stood by you through a murder trial. Doesn’t it prove I wouldn’t leave you? You are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met in my life. I never want to leave you.”
The word ‘woman’ cut deeply. How I wish I were.
Gabriella covered her face with both of her hands and bent over, sobbing. I will cherish those words from Paul forever, but he would have to be superhuman to make good on his promise.
Passerbys stared at what seemed like a lovers spat. The most casual observer could tell this was a couple in love. Some silently wished them well as they strolled by.
Paul lifted her upright and looked into her eyes with gentleness and compassion. She threw her arms around his neck and held him close. He felt her body spasm as she cried against him.
After a few moments, Gabriella pulled herself away.
Oh dear God, she prayed, please don’t let this be the end.
“Paul, look into my eyes. What do you see?”
“Two beautiful green eyes filled with pain and love.”
“Do you see any tears?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think it’s suspicious in any way?”
“No. Some people don’t shed tears when they cry. I’ve seen it in my office when I counsel people.”
She held her left hand out to him with the palm on top. “Take my pulse.”
He lovingly held her wrist and placed his fingers below her left thumb. “I can’t feel it. Must be my fingers, or I’m in the wrong spot.”
“Try the other wrist, Paul, and please remember I love you with my whole mind.”
“Strange way to say it, Gabriella.”
Paul dutifully took her right wrist and tried to find her pulse. “Can’t find it there either,” he said. “Why is it important? It’s hard to find a pulse on some people.”
“That’s just it. I think. I feel. I love. But I’m not a woman!”
“You’re a man??!!” Paul gasped.
“No!” shouted Gabriella. “I’m not a woman, I’m an android! A living, feeling, thinking, caring, loving, crying, android!”
“It’s impossible!” said Paul, “simply impossible! Because I couldn’t find your pulse doesn’t mean you are…” He couldn’t finish the thought. It confused his mind. Everything around the center of his field of vision was getting gray and fuzzy. “I won’t, I can’t believe it!”
Gabriella walked over to the rosebush and twisted a thorn out of a stem. She held her outstretched arm palm up and plunged the spine into the underside of her forearm.
“Ouch,” she said quietly, “that hurt.”
Paul looked on in fear and wonder. “Have you suddenly gone crazy? Did you do drugs?” Paul dismissed both options, although he would have preferred the insane possibility.
With a yank, the thorn came out of her arm. “Look, Paul, what do you see?”
“I see a small hole in your arm. Why the hell did you do that?”
“Do you see any blood? Shouldn’t it bleed? The thorn went in deeply. See, no blood. I don’t have any blood! I am living, but I am not a human!” She had finally blurted it out.
Paul rocked backward in disbelief. He tried to get his head around the whole thing but couldn’t. His mind spun and reeled like an old wooden sailing ship on a storm-tossed sea. He had no sense of direction and no way to slow the spinning. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t think as his mind tried to stabilize itself in its overwhelmed and disoriented state.
The sudden pain in his head was debilitating. He couldn’t talk coherently. Paul felt waves of nausea wash over him and dizziness threatening to overtake him. He doubled over, trying to catch his breath.
“No, no, no, no NO!” he screamed out in despair and agony as he forced himself upright. He realized she was telling him the truth. Paul’s head swirled crazily and caved in on itself. His mind snapped as confusion mixed wildly with heartbreak. Against his will, Paul’s raw emotions spewed out violently like putrid vomit. He grabbed Gabriella by her upper arms.
“You lied to me! You let me believe you were a woman who cared for Alexi and me! I fell in love with you! Damn it! Were we part of a sick experiment? Were you recording our every conversation? Was there some sicko in a lab somewhere doing an analysis of how well you could fool a human? What kind of hell were you born in that could fashion cold materials into something that seems to be alive? You sucked Alexi and me into your scheme, your charade! I can live with it, but how could you do it to Alexi? She loves you like a mother. How could you betray her? What kind of demonic machine are you?” Tears ran in torrents down his face. Red rings circled Paul’s eyes.
Gut-wrenching sobs enveloped Gabriella as she cried. “It’s not like that at all. I have feelings; I love both of you,” she sobbed. “I would love to be Alexi’s mother, more than anything else in the world. I had to tell you because I care about you and couldn’t go on living a lie. Paul, I love you. Please don’t go away,” she pleaded.
A vehement torrent of pain came pouring out of Paul uncontrollably.
“Living! Living! Is that what you call it? How can you be living when you are a machine made in a lab? How can you really feel love and have emotions? Is that part of your programming? Was everything part of some computer program? Get away from me,” he screamed with a cracking voice and tears of pain. “Go back to your lab, or go to hell, or go to where ever you want, but stay away from us!”
He pushed her back as he let go of her arms, turned, and stumbled quickly towards the entrance. Paul looked back as he reached the gate. The sun glinted off the tears on his cheek.
Gabriella sat heavily on the grass with her legs folded under her and her bent head in her hands. She sobbed out the despair of one who had lost her entire family in one catastrophic event.
Paul brushed the tears out of his eyes and walked out of the park. “I’m sick! I just want to die! How am I ever going to tell Alexi about this? Oh, God, help!”
Gabriella sat on the lawn for quite a while. Several people, mostly women, stopped to ask if she was all right and was there anything they could do to help. Gabriella waved them off gently and said she would be all right. One small, middle-aged businesswoman walked past, hesitated, and then turned around. She stood over Gabriella for a few seconds and then quietly sat down next to her left side without saying a word. She sat there for five minutes before the sobbing Gabriella even noticed her.
“How long have you been sitting next to me?” Gabriella asked.
“About five minutes,” answered the woman. “I’m Charlene.”
“Hi, I’m Gabriella,” she said with a shaky voice. “Why are you sitting next to me?”
“It looked like you could use a friend right now. I was passing by and, believe it or not, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to turn around and talk to you. Sounds crazy, huh? I don’t know what your faith level is, or if you even have any faith in God, but I am neither crazy nor dangerous.” she said with a smile. “I had to obey and stop for you.”
“I appreciate your stopping, but I don’t think even God cares for me. I’m feeling so alone and empty right now. My life just fell apart because morally, I had to tell the truth about something. It really sucks when you try to do the right thing, and the truth acts like a missile blowing your life apart. Truth shouldn’t do that.”
“I know,” whispered Charlene softly “sometimes, when we do the right thing and tell the truth, it can seem like something wonderful gets destroyed because of it, but perhaps God has other plans and needs to clear some space around us. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, though. Are you a church person?”
“Sort of, but it makes sense to me scientifically there is a God who created everything.”
“How about a God who cares about you, honey?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t traveled that far yet, but right now, I don’t think so. I can see how it all works with the universe and even with quantum physics. But I guess the thought God cares about my daily life is a little new. My friend, Paul, tried to tell me…” the words choked her as she broke down again.
Charlene put her right arm around Gabriella and drew her close. Feeling she was in a warm, safe spot for the moment opened up the floodgates of heart-rendering sobbing again. Gabriella put her arms around Charlene and held her tightly for a minute or two until her crying subsided.
“Thank you, Charlene. I’m sorry I lost it again. You don’t even know me, and I’m crying all over you.”
“It’s okay, honey. We all need a shoulder to cry on once in a while, and a stranger’s shoulder sometimes works best because they don’t know enough about us to judge. Can I ask what happened?”
“I am, was, dating a wonderful divorced man, a pastor of a small church, with a beautiful five-year-old daughter. We were developing strong feelings toward each other, although we were both too cautious about saying much or acting on it.”
“That’s a sage move, Gabriella. Too many people rush headlong into physical relationships.”
Gabriella continued. “He was there to support me through a horrendous event, and I thought he might handle the news I gave him today. I had to tell Paul the truth about me. I was wrong. I was so very, very wrong. He cut off our relationship and told me never to contact him again.” She buried her face into Charlene’s shoulder again and convulsed.
Charlene gasped. “How awful! My heart breaks for you, child. What in heaven’s name could be so terrible he would break off a relationship just like that? Did you tell him you were married, or a hooker, or you killed someone?”
“No, he probably would have stayed with me through it all. In fact, he stayed with me through my murder trial.”
Charlene stiffened involuntarily.
“No, no, I didn’t do anything,” Gabriella quickly added. “They set me up, but ultimately exonerated me when the truth surfaced. No, this is far worse than any of those things. I can’t blame Paul for not being able to handle it. It’s this tremendous sense of loss I feel. It’s like God has turned His back on me.”
“What on earth could you have done? You look so sweet, and the Holy Spirit directed me to come over and talk to you. There, there,” said Charlene softly as she held Gabriella. “I don’t need to know what your secret is. God already knows, and He loves you beyond what you could imagine. Would it be okay with you if I prayed with you right here?”
“I would like it very much,” replied Gabriella with a slight uplift of hope in her voice.
“Father God, I lift Gabriella up to you. I don’t know the details of her situation, but I know you know everything about it. I know, Father, you love her intensely Father touch her heart, send peace to her soul, and lift her spirit. Touch Paul and his daughter and give them peace and clear thinking. I thank you for being the great God you are and always being there to talk to and to seek advice from. Father, I lift these prayers up to you in Jesus’ name and thank you in advance for hearing and answering them. Amen!”
“I hope that wasn’t too much for you, Gabriella. I prayed what I was feeling.”
“I’ve never heard someone pray with that much conviction. It’s like you know God personally, instead of knowing about Him. It’s the same with Paul. I’ve prayed before, but there was not the one-on-one relationship you two seem to have with God.”
“We do, and you can too. I have to go back to work now, but remember to give it to God in prayer, ask for His will to be done, not yours, and then expect to see an answer. May God bless you.” With that, she turned and walked off.
Gabriella sat on the grass for a while before slowly walking back to her apartment.