Man, I can’t even write a sermon anymore,” Paul said to the empty air in the rectory. Tears found their way up from his heart and overflowed his eyes. “I honestly loved her. How could I get sucked in like that? She’s a machine. I should have been able to figure it out.”
He felt guilty as he logged on to an online sermon mill and reviewed several canned sermons to use on Sunday. Paul downloaded the most acceptable one. They based it on Judas Iscariot.
“What kind of pastor am I anyhow? Canned meat and potatoes for the flock. An all-time low, but I don’t really care right now. How could she do that to us? How the hell could she do that?”
Meetings with his oversite Bishops did little to help the increasing depression. They could only know his relationship with a woman he loved didn’t work out. They tried to counsel Paul but were confused when they could not quite get to the root of his pain.
Paul sat in his office and searched his soul about his faith in God. “Why would a loving God allow this mess to happen? How could You let me be crushed like this when I’ve dedicated my life to You?” he shouted. “How can You do this to Alexi? She’s a trusting little girl who doesn’t understand. Where is justice? What are You doing, God? Do You even care about us?”
A little hand touched his arm. He jumped with a shout. “Alexi, please don’t sneak up on me, honey.”
“I didn’t sneak up on you, Dad. I called you, but you didn’t hear me. Dad, can we go to the playground in Central Park today? We don’t play together anymore.”
Paul hung his head and shook it. “Not today, sweetie. I have a lot of work to do. Can we do it some other time?”
“I wish Gabriella were here. She would take me, Dad. I miss her. Can’t we call her and ask her to come over?”
Paul’s heart twisted in his chest. He turned in his chair and wrapped his arms tightly around Alexi. “Oh, honey, we can’t,” he said with a sob. “We can’t. Tell you what; let’s go to the playground for a little while. But we need to watch that cold and cough of yours, okay? It still looks like you are coming down with something.”