CHAPTER SIX
ParaZap, Fool!
I.
Mission time had come.We were about to embark on another dangerous task – locating and either capturing, or destroying, the massive blob formerly known as Dr. Hikalous Blossom, now featuring Mr. Ripped.
I drove over to Chuck’s house and picked him up.We then drove to Phil’s house and picked him up.And then, since Adia didn’t want to ride with us, we drove straight to Nog’s farm.
In the main chamber of Fort Nog’s where The Frog Hopper sat unoccupied, Chuck, Phil and I stood in our boxers and pulled our blue jumpsuits over them and zipped them up.The cigar smoking attitude frog was still our patch emblem, and was presented on the left breast of the suits.
Speaking about breasts, we were all hoping Adia would change into her jumpsuit in front of us, seeing as how you have to start off in your underwear.But Farrow caught wind of our teenaged hormone desires and he asked Adia to change in the bathroom.Marco and Hastings stood guard outside the door.
Once she was ready to go, Nog supplied us all with new and improved laser phaser rifles.We each had a backpack full of supplies and extra charges for the rifles.And of course, our Batman-style utility belts were back, filled with endless supplies.
As we all lined up side by side in front of Professor Nog and Farrow, Marco and Hastings joined our sides.And just as the Frog Nog app conversation had indicated, they were going to accompany us on, and lead, our mission.
“Welcome, The Fellas,” Nog announced.He wore his white lab coat, red tie, thick-framed glasses, and terrible comb-over.“This mission will be different than previous ones.First, it’s an Earth mission.That means we face a devastating threat on our very own planet – making a success extremely crucial.We don’t know what this blue goo is capable of in its fullest extant, but as we saw with Dr. Hix Blossom six months ago, and as Scout witnessed today in the boys locker room – it’s dangerous, and has already claimed two lives.”
Farrow set a small orb-shaped item on the ground and pressed the top of it.It then presented a digital map of schematics right before our very eyes.We all ‘ooh’ed’ and ‘ahh’ed’ at our continued amazement of Fort Nog’s technology.
The digital map seemed to float right in front of us, and Farrow then interacted with it by walking directly into it.“This is a laser schematic of King’s Town High School, kids.This is where the last three sightings of the creature we’ve scientifically named, Blobberous Squirmhixicous, have been.A student says he viewed a portion of the beast in a toilet, almost mistaking it for a poop.The other two instances come from Scout, who had two run-ins with the squirmy gelatin mass.Once in the girl’s locker room, then once in the boys – which lead to the untimely consumption – and death – of gym teacher, Mr. Ripped.God rest those abs.”
Nog entered the schematics as well.“One can only assume that Blobberous Squirmhixicous is dwelling primarily in the sewer systems directly below the school.This is where you will make your entrance.”Nog pointed to a room on the map.“The boiler room in the school basement has an entrance panel to the sewers.Lead by mission specialists, Marco and Hastings, you’ll enter the sewers there, and track down the gross glob of alien hair-gel.Once you make contact, I give you permission to kill it.We can’t chance letting that thing get loose around King’s Town.Everything we’ve worked so hard to keep so secret would be ruined.”
Nog walked straight through the schematics and stood before us.A satisfactory grin grew across his face.“What a time we live in, kids.I just walked through those schematics – that’s going in my memoirs.”
He turned around and faced the schematics with both of his hands in his lab coat pockets.“To prevent any unwelcomed visits from Detective Rickert Raggs, I plan to invite him over to my house tonight for a brewski and Monopoly night. Once I earn his trust, Farrow will bash him over the head with a 2x4.”
“Whoa, whoa, Nog, you said I wouldn’t be involved in that plan,” Farrow said, getting nervous.
“The plan has changed.” The Professor turned around and faced us all again.“Go get ‘em.”
Surprised by the sudden and immediate end of the mission briefing, we all slowly disbanded.
II.
Before we departed for the mission, Marco and Hastings told everyone it’d be a good idea to double check our equipment and go to the bathroom one final time.I knew my equipment was good to go, but there was one more thing I wanted to bring with me.
I took the elevator down to the Dungeon of Stuff and walked into the narrow hallway that held the artifacts.I looked into the glass case that protected the sphere spear.In the glowing purple orb on top, I saw Blorf’s face floating in it.His eyes were closed and he appeared to be asleep.
“Blorf, are you awake?” I whispered.His eyes remained shut.“Brotha?”
Blorf’s eyes shot wide open and he smiled.“Scout!It’s good to see you.What’s the cause?”
“We’re going on a mission.I want you to come with me and be my weapon of choice.”
“I’d be delighted, my brotha,” Blorf said.“Where are we going?”
“Right here on Earth.There was a mishap with some blue goo that we kept down here and it created a monster.We need to stop it.”
“Have no fear, Blorf is here!”
I opened the glass case, grabbed the spear and then rode the elevator back up to the ground level.
About ten minutes later, we were on our way to the school.I was driving my Premise with Chuck riding shotgun and Phil riding in the back.We buckled the spear into the other backseat and Blorf’s mystical face looked out the windows and admired our planet.I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Phil was chewing something.
“What are you eating, Phil?” I asked, getting kind of hungry myself.
“Mini cheeseburgers,” he responded.
Chuck and I both turned around and looked at Phil.He was holding a plate of four or five sliders, and he had mustard on his cheek.
“Where did you get a meal?” Chuck asked.
“Heated it up before we left,” Phil said.
I turned around and faced the road again.We were behind Marco’s car.He was driving Hastings and Adia.We were closing in on the school so naturally my nerves began to pick up.My stomach bubbled before everything mission.And I usually expelled farts, so maybe it was a good thing that Adia didn’t ride with us.I smiled as I thought about her.
“For some reason she was keeping her distance from me.I didn’t know if I was just too young for her, or maybe I repulsed her.Or the third option, maybe she did like me, and was just intimidated by the fact that I was already seeing Mandy.Mandy was great and all, but she didn’t have anything on Adia.Adia wore tight blue jean shorts like a champ.I could be a two-woman man if she wanted me too.I’d juggle -”
“Scout, you know you’re talking out loud right?” Chuck said.I looked over at him and he awkwardly gawked at me.The world fell silent. I felt sick and my face felt flushed.I looked into the rearview mirror again and saw Phil staring at me, his mouth opened wide.I glanced at Blorf and he tried not to make eye contact with me.
“I…” I began, but didn’t know what to say.I just said a thought monologue out loud!
Scout, that was embarrassing.
Nog heard it too!?
“And you wonder why Mandy hates you right now,” Chuck added.
“Can we not talk about this now?” I pleaded.
Everyone stopped talking.I felt more awkward than I had in a while.But the timing couldn’t have been any more perfect.We turned the corner and into the schools empty parking lot.
III.
For some reason, the school was locked with a chain and padlock.Marco used a heavy pair of bolt cutters and squeezed so hard that he farted.The chain broke and dropped to the ground where he kicked it off to the side.
Like clockwork, Hastings pulled out a ring of keys that he spun on his finger before pinching a particular key with his fingers.The keys jingled in his grip and he inserted the key into the door, turned it, and opened up the school.
“Nog, we’re in.Where to?” I said.
Alright, The Fellas, go down the freshman hallway to your right and turn left at the art room.
We followed Nog’s instructions and crept down the hall silently with our weapons drawn.Aside from the backup generator, all of the lights were off.The atmosphere in the school was fairly dark and cold with a few dull lights scattered about, flickering.Once again, I felt like I was in a movie.
A clanking noise sounded above us and we all stopped and looked around, aiming in every direction.
“What was that?” Marco whispered loudly.
The clanking sound was followed by the flow of air from the ventilation system.
“It’s just the air conditioning.Let’s keep moving,” I said.
We stopped at the end of the hallway where the art room was and slowly turned the corner to the left and stared down another dark hallway.This hallway had given me nightmares in the past – it’s where my Geometry class was.
We continued slowly down the hallway.
On your right, about three classrooms up, is a door that says Maintenance Office.
We arrived at the door Nog specified.
Use the blue key to get in there, Hastings.
Hastings pulled the ring of keys off his belt and spun them on his index finger again, stopping with the blue key between his fingers.He was so good at that!
Hastings stuck the key into the door, turned it, and pushed his way into the office.We all followed him into the cramped quarters.
The boiler room door should be off to your right.Use the red key to get in.And to keep true to our timeline, I’m going to call Detective Raggs and invite him over for the plan…
As Hastings spun the ring of keys in his hand again, I leaned in and whispered to Adia.“Everything will be alright.I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She didn’t look at me, but I could tell she rolled her eyes.“Just stay focused on the mission, Scout.I’d hate for you to not make it back to Mandy.”
So it was Mandy she was intimidated by.Did I maybe sense a bit of jealousy there, Ms. Smidgeon?I smirked and looked over at Chuck who was staring at me.
“Good thing you didn’t speak what you just thought again,” Chuck said.
My smiled disappeared and was replaced by an annoyed frown.
“We’re in!” Hastings called out.We looked over and he had the boiler room door open.
Right then, a cell phone ringing caught everyone’s attention.Marco and Hastings turned around and looked at the four of us youngsters.
“We specifically said NO cell phones, kids!” Marco said.
I knew it wasn’t mine – the volume was turned off.I looked to Chuck and he shook his head.
“Not me,” Adia said.
“Nope,” Phil said.
“Sorry, that’d be me…” a voice said from behind us.We all turned around and saw Detective Raggs standing in the office doorway aiming his pistol at us.He looked at his phone.“It’s Professor Nog,” he said.He put the phone to his ear.“Nog, you old coot!What’s happening?”
Raggs listened for a moment and then smiled.“No, I can’t tonight, I’m a little busy right now.I’m at the school, watching The Fellas sneaking around doing God knows what!”
Raggs’ smile disappeared.“Nog?Hello?”The detective shoved his phone back into his pocket.“He hung up.”
Scout!Raggs is onto ya!Use the ParaZap setting on your laser phaser.It’ll knock him out cold!
I glanced down at my laser gun and saw that next to the trigger was a knob with three settings: laser, projectile launch, and ParaZap.I slyly turned it to ParaZap.
“I find it funny that Nog invites me over for a brewski at the same time that his elite team is sneaking into the school – guns out,” Raggs said.“Who wants to tell me what’s going on?”
Raggs aimed his gun at Phil.“What about you robot-boy.What’s the meaning of all this sneaking?”Phil didn’t respond.Raggs then aimed at Adia.“What about you, beauty queen?”Adia stood strong and didn’t open her mouth.She did give him a glare like the ones Mandy had been giving me lately.
“What about the adults?” Raggs said, turning his interrogation to Marco and Hastings.“This little sneaking mission wouldn’t have anything to do with the disappearance of Dr. Hix Blossom would it?”
Before anyone else had a chance to be asked, I dropped to my knees and aimed my gun at Raggs.“ParaZap, fool!” I shouted and pulled the trigger.A squiggly purple laser beam shot out and connected with Raggs.He dropped his gun and began to shake like he was being tazed.He dropped to the ground and began to glow a purple hue as he lay motionless in the doorway.
“Booya!” Blorf yelled.
“ParaZap?Good thinking, Scout!He’ll be out for hours now!” Marco said and gave me a high-five.
“It was Nog’s idea,” I said, giving credit where credit was due.
“I didn’t know our phasers did that now!” Phil said, looking his gun over inch by inch.
“These are new and improved laser phasers, kids.They do a lot more now,” Marco said.
“I hate to interrupt, lady and gentlemen, but that squirmy S.O.B. down there in the sewers is just getting stronger by the minute,” Hastings said. “Let’s move.”
We all set our focus again and followed Hastings into the boiler room.It was hot in there – steam rose off of the pipes and heating systems.We all gathered around a hatch on the floor in the far corner.
Hastings knelt down and pulled on the handle and opened the hatch.He pressed a button on the side of his laser gun and a flashlight ignited.He pointed it down into the hatch.There was a metal ladder that went down about twelve or thirteen feet into murky water.
“I got this,” Chuck said as he pushed his way through everyone.He stepped one foot down onto the ladder and Marco grabbed him by the sleeve.Chuck looked up.“What, man?”
“What kind of man are you, boy?” Marco said.“Don’t you know the golden rule for anything?Ladies first, moron.”
Everyone looked at Adia and she nervously gulped.“No, it’s okay.Someone else can go down into the monster filled dark sewer first.”
“Adia, we insist,” Marco added.“What kind of organization would we be if we were disrespectful to a lady.Now, go on get down there.”
“I’d really rather not, guys.I mean, we don’t know what -”
“No means no, dudes,” I said, slinging my laser phaser over my shoulder and holstering Blorf into my backpack.“If Adia says someone else goes first, that means someone else goes first.I’ll do it.”
I looked at Adia and winked at her.She smiled back – finally, she appreciated something I did or said.
I dipped my leg down into the hatch and onto the first step of the ladder.Within just a couple seconds, I was well on my way down into the sewers.I reached the bottom and found myself standing in about a foot of gross, greenish brown water.It smelled like the portable bathrooms at a county fair.
I flipped on the LED flashlight on my phaser and examined the sewer.It was dark, smelly and warm.I could hear dripping echoing throughout the labyrinth of tunnels. The coast seemed to be clear.
“Alright, guys!” I called up.“Come on down!”
After everyone was down in the sewer, Adia put her hand on my shoulder.“Thanks, Scout.”
“No problem,” I said with a smile.She smiled back.Aw yeah!
Everyone flipped on their flashlights.
“Which way do we go?” Chuck asked.
“Nog wanted to use Philclops’ thermal vision to guide us,” Marco said.“Philly, flip on your eye.”
Phil closed his eyes tight and opened them back up – the one eye was glowing red.He said that anytime he turned his eye on, he could see any kind of motion through walls, he could pinpoint body heat, and he could pick up on any sort of movement.He was going to be our best chance to find Blobberous Squirmhixicous.
Philclops looked down the sewer in one direction, and then looked down the other direction.“This way,” he said.
“Stay up front with us, Philly,” Marco said.
Marco, Hastings and Phil lead the group as we waded through the disgusting water.Adia and I were close behind them, and Chuck served as the caboose of our team, watching all of our backs.