CHAPTER SEVEN
Classic Sewer Joke
I.
“This sewer reminds me of a classic sewer joke,” Marco said, his voice echoing through the tunnels.“What do you do if your ex-wife tries to take everything?”Marco allowed a couple seconds of silence, and then said, “Sewer.”
Phil laughed, but no one else did.
“Not one of your finest, Marco,” I said.
“Eh, not every classic can be a classic, I guess,” he said.
With my gun slung over my shoulder, I held the sphere spear out in front of me and let Blorf’s purple glow be our guiding light.
“This place reminds me of the tunnels back on Bethani,” Blorf’s majestic presence spoke from the orb.“Remember the good old days, Scout?”
“I remember, brother,” I said, keeping my eyes peeled.
“Guys, over here!” Adia called out.Everyone stopped in their tracks and turned their focus on her.She was along the side of the tunnel where a metal grate sheltered a smaller, dark tunnel.She aimed her phaser at the grate and shone the light down the tunnel.“I heard something.”
“Stick me in, Scout,” Blorf said.I stuck the orb end of the sphere through between the bars on the grate and let Blorf illuminate the tunnel.
“Well?” I asked.
“Rats…” Blorf said.
“What? What happened?” I inquired.
“RATS!” Blorf screamed.I yanked the spear back out of the tunnel just in time to see a flood of rats spew from it and drop into the water we were wading in.
“Oh my God!” Adia screamed.She splashed through the water, away from the flood of rats.“I hate rats!”
“Then I got you covered, baby!” Chuck shouted as he aimed his phaser down at the rats.He pulled the trigger and started firing lasers at the animals.
“Whoa! Chuck!” I said, putting my free hand on his shoulder.He stopped firing and looked around at all of us.We all gave him a crazy look.“What the heck are you doing?”
“She hates rats…I was just getting rid of the rats…” Chuck muttered.
“That was stupid, Chuck,” Hastings said.“You’re going to draw attention to -”
Hastings was interrupted by a monstrous, gutty roar; Blobberous Squirmhixicous rose from the murky waters in which we stood.
“There it is!” Marco screamed.Everyone aimed their phasers at the squirmy mass, but no one fired.It was almost like we were waiting on it to make the first move.
The beast grew over eight feet tall and towered over us.It gurgled and bubbled and sprouted long, blobbery tentacles.Near the top of the blob, a mouth opened, lined with rows of sharp teeth, and it growled.
“Scout, aim me!” Blorf cried out.I pointed the sphere spear at the Blobberous and Blorf began to pulsate and then fired a bright purple laser beam at the blob.The beam made impact and the Blobberous screeched nightmarishly.One of its tentacles reached out and knocked the spear out of my hands.
In slow motion, it flew across the tunnel.I saw the look of Blorf’s orb face.His eyes widened just as the orb shattered against the wall.The purple glow was gone, and the rest of the sphere spear disappeared into the dark water.
“Blorf!” I screamed.I couldn’t believe we lost him…again.
“Fire!” Hastings shouted.Upon his command, all of us began firing at the Blobberous.It twitched and squirmed as its gelatin mass absorbed all of the lasers.
“It’s not even making a dent!” I yelled.
At the same time, Marco and Hastings reached into the holsters on their utility belts and pulled out 9mm pistols.They both aimed their weapons and fired at the blob.The bullets didn’t seem to make any kind of impact either.
One of the Blobberous’ tentacles swung out and slapped Marco and Hastings.Both of them were launched into the air and dropped into the water.Both of their pistols were lost.
Another tentacle reached out and wrapped itself around Chuck and Adia, and started to constrict them as it lifted them into the air.Chuck screamed like a girl and kicked his legs wildly.
“My God…” I said to myself.Had we finally met our match?“Nog!What do we do?The lasers and bullets wont hurt it!”
There was no answer from Nog.
“Nog!?” I screamed, and once again, no answer.
I looked over at Philclops.He slung his laser phaser over his shoulder and unscrewed his hand.He aimed his stump at the Blobberous and grit his teeth.Fire spewed from his stump – like a flamethrower – and ignited the Blobberous.
Adia and Chuck were dropped into the water as the creature screeched and squirmed in pain from the flames.The blob then began to sink back down into the water.Its mouth closed and it fully disappeared underneath the shin-deep sewage.
A calm came over the sewer and things grew silent as we watched the water ripple in the other direction as the Blobberous made its escape.
“Good thinking, Philclops,” I said, helping Chuck and Aida to their feet.Marco and Hastings rejoined our side.
“Wow,” Marco said, wiping the water from his face.
“Nog!” I snarled.
Jesus Christ, Scout, hold on.I was on the toilet.
I pretended like I didn’t just hear that.
II.
So, the lasers and bullets don’t hurt it, you say?
“Yup,” I said annoyed.“How come this wasn’t thought out more, Ed?”
You call me, Professor Nog – or even just Nog, Scout.That one had grown on me.And as far as this plan not being ‘thought out’, this is all new to us, Scout.We know diddly-squat about this alien being.We learn from our mistakes.Don’t worry, Farrow and I are in the lab right now trying to come up with something.The Philclops used fire?And that worked?
“The fire seemed to just annoy it.The Blobberous just dipped back into the water and fled the scene of the crime.”
Well, then we can potentially use fire to destroy it.Let me see what we can come up with.
“Okay,” I said.I rejoined The Fellas who were huddled together about ten feet away.“Nog and Farrow are in the lab right now, trying to come up with a Plan B.”
“Until then, we keep moving,” Marco said.“Maybe we’ll catch a break and find a way to trap it or something.”Marco pointed down the tunnel in the direction that the Blobberous fled.
“This way.Phil, you’re up with us again.”
Marco, Hastings and Phil lead the way again.This time, Chuck stayed close to them – probably for protection in case he got wrapped up again – and Adia and I hung in the back of the group.
We walked for a good ten or fifteen minutes, not entirely sure where we were.We probably weren’t below the school anymore.Adia hadn’t said anything to me the whole time, but I could have sworn we had a moment when I volunteered to go down the ladder first.
My teenage years, unlike anyone else’s it seemed, were confusing.I liked Mandy, but I also liked what Adia had to offer.I was struggling with my mustache, while Philclops showed his off like a trophy wife.I had splotches of acne that I couldn’t explain, and I seemed to have a crush on the entire girls volleyball team.None of this could have been normal.
I looked at Adia, who was brushing her disheveled bangs away from her eyes.Dare I cross the line and engage her in conversation again?I felt like I would be doing Mandy wrong, but ya know what?Who cares!
“Sure smells like crap down here, huh?” I said, starting the conversation.
Adia looked over at me and smiled.“Yup.”
“Pure crap, actually,” I needlessly added.
Adia nodded.
“Are you doing okay down here?I know that must have been scary back there.”
“Scout, don’t you have a girlfriend?” Adia said out of nowhere.
I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just nodded.
“Then stop trying to hit on me.Trust me, Mandy wouldn’t appreciate it.She’s a good girl.You need to remember that.”
What was she talking about?Give me a life lesson, will ya? I knew what I wanted.I wanted Mandy.I mean, Adia…I mean…I guess I wanted Mandy…
“It’s baaacck!” Hastings yelled from up ahead.I looked forward and saw Chuck hit the deck as the Blobberous rose from the sewer water again right in front of everyone.Hastings and Marco lifted their laser rifles and started rapid firing.Philclops ducked off to the side and tried to unscrew his mechanical hand again.
I aimed my rifle and looked through the scope.In the crosshairs, I studied the Blobberous as it stood there roaring and taking all the laser beams.Through the translucent-ness of it, I could see human bones – probably that of Hix and Mr. Ripped.There also seemed to be dozens of other bones – smaller ones – probably from rats.
“This thing has been down here in the sewers for six months eating rats and growing in size…” I muttered to myself.
“Scout, look out!” Adia screamed.I looked down and there were three squirms slithering through the water in my direction.I aimed my gun down and fired a barrage of lasers at them.The laser beams riddled the water and penetrated the squirms.The squirms then lay there motionless, floating in the water.
“The lasers kill the small ones, just not that BEAST!” I yelled to everyone.I looked ahead and watched as the giant monstrosity absorbing all of the lasers.
“It’s no use!” Marco screeched as he stood there and continued to fire.Philclops stood up and aimed his mechanical stump at the blob, but before he had a chance to expel flames, one of the creatures’ tentacles reached out and wrapped itself around Phil.
“Phil!” I screamed and raced forward, towards the ordeal.Chuck was hunched over, avoiding the situation, so I ran up onto his back (as I heard him scream in pain) and leapt off heroically.I landed on top of the squirmy tentacle and gripped on with one hand.With my other hand, I aimed my gun straight down on t he tentacle and fired off a couple beams.
The Blobberous screeched and loosened its grip on Phil.He dropped down into the water and sparks flew from his mechanical stump, shorting out its power.
Another tentacle reached over and wrapped around me and pulled me closer to the creature.My hands were stuck down by my side and my laser gun was crushed in the tight, constricting grip.
“Scout!Hold on!” Marco yelled.
I could feel my circulation being cut off throughout my body.Was this the end of me, Scout Brooks?
III.
Not quite…
I tried to wiggle out of the tentacle as it smashed me into the blobs body.I felt myself start sinking into the goo.I was then face to face with a skull – either Hix’s or Mr. Ripped’s.I held my breath so I wouldn’t suffocate or inhale this crap.
Right then, a loud ‘boom’ shook everything around me.The Blobberous jiggled and roared and tore me out from it’s gooey-ness and tossed me aside like the unwanted crust of a child’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I looked up and saw a flame burning inside the Blobberous.Once it dwindled, I saw Marco pull a Gernog out from his backpack and tear the pin out.
“You want another one!?” Marco threw the Gernog like a baseball directly into the Blobberous.He and Hastings turned their heads just as it exploded inside it again.
The Blobberous roared and screeched and morphed itself into different shapes as the explosion shook it to its core.However, it didn’t seem to be doing anything.
“Guys!” Adia screamed.We all looked over at her and she was climbing a ladder that led up to a manhole cover.“Come on, let’s get out of here!”
Marco, Hastings and Phil ran over to the ladder, and I helped Chuck up.
“You did a maneuver off my back?!” Chuck yelled at me.
“Sure did,” I said.
“I bet it looked so cool,” Chuck smirked.
We joined everyone else at the bottom of the ladder. While the Blobberous was still recovering from the multiple explosions, Marco ushered everyone up the ladder.Adia was up first and removed the manhole cover.I could see it was dark outside.Hastings went up next to make sure everyone was able to get out ok.Phil climbed up the ladder with one hand – he lost the other one in the battle.
“Scout, get up there!” Marco yelled at me.
“Chuck first!” I said.
I helped Chuck onto the first step of the ladder, and he was quick to make it the rest of the way.
“Scout, go!” Marco yelled again.
“You’ll be right behind me?” I asked.
“Right behind you!”
I jumped up on to the ladder and climbed my little heart out.Once I got to the top, I climbed through the manhole and out onto the street.We were in the middle of an intersection – it was too dark to tell exactly where though.The air was cool and the moon hung low in the sky.
I looked back down into the sewer and saw Marco climbing up the ladder fast.When he got close enough, he threw his gun out on the road and reached for my hand.
“Scout! Hurry!” he shouted.
I bent down and grabbed his arm with both of my hands.Without warning, a dark purple tentacle reached up from the sewer and wrapped itself around Marco’s neck.Marco’s eyes opened wide and he gasped as the tentacle yanked him back down the ladder and right out of my grip.
“Marco!” I yelled.Everyone else gathered around the manhole.The ground began to shake and knocked us all over.In the middle of the intersection, the concrete cracked and then split.It felt like an earthquake.The road opened up right before our eyes and the Blobberous rose from the underground.It stood there right before us, pulsating and growling.
Car alarms from cars parked along the street began to go off from all the commotion.I looked directly into the Blobberous and saw Marco inside the goo, almost like he was frozen in time.The skin on his face and hands began to slowly fizzle away.
I closed my eyes for a moment – this couldn’t have been happening.When I opened my eyes back up, the Blobberous squirmed its way in the other direction, squeezed between a couple houses and disappeared into Kings Town.
To the sound of car alarms and Adia crying, I sat down and sighed in defeat.