Lampo Rakitle was a ruler of a now forgotten regime on the world of Pasiotic. He never saw a face he didn’t like. This was not lost on his subjects who feared reprisals. So much so they wore elaborate helmets and thick black sunglasses to prevent even a second of eye contact. Lampo on the other hand went to great lengths to find even minuscule effronteries. That way he could bash in people’s heads or do other devious things that included pushing oil covered subjects down flame ridden slides with a wall of spikes at the bottom.
Lampo went along that route for over 30 years and untold millions of people met gruesome and unspeakable ends. Like the former village of Janglat, that was fed each other over the course of 6 months.
Until, only one of them remained and he was forced to eat small portions of himself until he was no longer hungry and perished. Lampo instituted a new law called,” No New Sexual Partners Law,” and it said you had to only have sex with the person you were dating or currently married to (or Lampo himself) for the rest of your life. Or, you would face death by several different ways. One of those ways was to have your genitals pummeled repeatedly with a hot metal hammer until you begged to be shot as well as having your nose filled with flesh eating insects that usually led to death or madness.
His loyal subjects were so incensed by this law that they all stormed his fortified castle (including many of his loyal army members who’d finally had enough) and they searched the entire castle and found no Lampo. They looked to the skies and saw a massive battleship of Lampo’s leaving the atmosphere with him on it and they felt relieved. Until, a few moments later when Lampo launched a dozen 100
megaton nuclear weapons and blew the world to pieces in one foul swoop. Then as he fled into space a large asteroid ripped through the hull of the ship and killed him and his skeleton crew, but he left behind a
treasure trove of logs, journals, and short stories that included the paragraph,” Why would a dumb head take a smart trip to the back page of a long book. When the dumb head knows its very existence as a dumb head relies solely on not turning those pages and feeling the power and freedom of those words.
Then there’s the death of an unwilling soul to the hands of debauchery and severe drug addiction. This exact person feels all along their crazy tasks and consumption of daily poisons is the meaning of it all.
They fail to realize they won’t get any meaning of note if they’re too loaded to see it coming their way.
Then there’s me wild and fancy paid who is a little of both. I don’t know the answers, but I know for certain I will and you’ll suffer.”
At the William S. Baines Community Center at the far end of Long Island
There are 2,000 people milling about in the auditorium as they all wait for the 1 million dollar all age’s spelling bee (that Amo and Pat are putting on to start). The auditorium is oval in shape with a large red maple symmetrical stage. It has 2 on ramps on the left and right, as well as a set of gradually rising green steps in the front of the stage leading up to it. There is a thick furry navy blue curtain covering the stage. That way nothing can be seen behind it and it has the face of Lampo and the words,” Why would I smile, you’re still breathing,” written beneath his smiling horse teethed face and his long sandy blonde hair and vacant eyes. In front of the stage is a 30 foot long judge’s box that has a black bulletproof wall behind it. There is a brown and green stripped leather pair of couches and a refrigerator stocked with beer, soda pop, chocolate milk, and a series of snacks. In front of the couches there is a table set up with built in microphones and a computer consul to control everything from music to lights to even the temperature in the auditorium with a press of any number of buttons. It even has a dial to adjust the smell of the room to that of anything by pumping it through the vents (and that includes excrement).
The audience sits in are black and red velvety cushioned spacious chairs that have built in soda dispensers that you can buy what you want with an ATM card by just swiping it. The walls of the
auditorium have famous quotes and included one by William S. Baines that reads,” I know it’s hard to suffer, but I won’t suffer the words of a loser. So get off your asses and go ahead and dig me a canal with a teaspoon. Then you’ll have suffered for something that matters,” as well as the quote,” I may not know everything, but at least I have the knowhow to know when to shut up.”
William S. Baines is the eldest son of Porthafud R. Baines the late great senator from Georgia.
William (or Bill as his friends call him) inherited a mountain of bad debt from his father when he was seventeen. He did this because Porthafud had earned millions, but spent billions on rebuilding his home state. Plus, he also loved prostitutes and high stakes Canadian Moncourt Guts games that he invariably lost. Bill was thrust into the world with no one to help him, but he did have the grades to get a full scholarship to Long Island at Dorgut Community College. The college was half a world away from Georgia, but light years away from his disgraced family name. Then he started to excel even further and committed himself to being a huge success. He used his engineering degree to open up a patent and inventors handbook. That very handbook was so easy to use it made him rich, as it sold out in 20
languages. Then he started to gamble much in the same way as his father had and lost it all, but not before building several buildings on Long Island and leaving to seek out other opportunities overseas.
Backstage Amo and Pat were having a glass of wine as they sat just off stage. All the participants were nervously lined up in a row on stage, sitting in blue velvety foldout chairs.
“Alright look, Amo, we both need this competition to go well. And I can’t do it right without you committing to the way it needs to be,” said Pat warmly as he held Amo and she looked away. He raised her chin with his left hand and she gave him a nod reluctantly.
“I love you, Pat, and I get this. I am 100 percent behind you, but what if the contestants get pissed off and try something?” asked Amo nervously as she ran her fingers through Pat’s hair.
“Something never got tried, and plus we’ve got security. Let’s head in and change some lives,” said Pat coyly. He and Amo raced out onto the stage as a spotlight hit them. Pat grabbed a microphone and
said warmly,” We know you’ve all come here to see a spelling bee, and take a bird’s eye view of your loved ones as they take their shot at a million dollars in cold hard cash! So without further ado and a bit of magic, let’s cheer our way to a million dreams!” yelled Pat as he and Amo bowed to the cheering audience as the curtain went up. It revealed the contestants doing an awkward and badly choreographed dance routine that made them look mentally challenged.
Pat and Amo hurried down to the Judges box as they tried to look very serious.
“Alright, Pat, boy are we cooked. They might kill us both,” said Amo sadly as she sat beside Pat who was laughing hysterically.
Pat gulped his wine and pressed a button to stop all the music. The contestants continued to dance for a few seconds.
“Take your seats immediately. Contestant number one you will be first, head quickly to the microphone,” said Amo sternly as she fought back laughter. Pat started to laugh quietly and he turned up the song, “Iron Man,” by the cover band Ozzy’s Children, as he turned on the red smoke machine on the stage.
Menau Haslu (a 7 year old from Dayton Ohio) walked nervously up to the podium that was made from fine mahogany. She grabbed the dildo shaped microphone, smiled and did a curtsy. Menau had long flowing seal black hair that has 15 green and pink bows in it. She is very beautiful with a small nose and dark brown eyes. Her skin is tan in color and she is African American as well as French Canadian. She has on a pair of black leggings under a purple flower print dress, as well as boys running shoes that have the words,” I’ll outrun the devil, but not the race,” written along the toe in green marker.
“Hi my name is Menau and I’m thrilled to…,” said Menau happily before the lights went out on the stage after Amo pressed a button. Pat glared at Menau.
“Your first word is fartbutter, fartbutter. You have one minute to answer,” said Pat quickly in a stern voice as a spotlight of red and blue circles of light shone on Menau and the room fell silent.
“Fartbutter…can you use it in a sentence?” asked Menau timidly as she grimaced and looked at Pat.
Pat was staring back at her without a hint of emotion while Amo was under the Judge’s table laughing. Amo knew that was coming and she didn’t realize how funny it would be.
“I fartbutter a friend when I’m lonely,” answered Pat sternly as he took a sip of beer. “Fartbutter, you have 1 minute to answer,” said Pat fiercely as he looked calmly at Menau who was sounding out the word and the crowd started to laugh.
“Ok, fartbutter, F, A, R, T, B, U, T, T, E, R, fartbutter. Did I get it right?” asked Menau nervously as she crossed her fingers and started making a wooing sound.
Meanwhile Pat and Amo thought how cute and unassuming she was.
“That is absolutely defiantly almost perfectly an answer that rhymes with dissect, correct!” said Pat playfully in an overly stern voice that made him sound like an old sea captain.
Menau started screaming and running in and around the other contestants as the crowd cheered.
Pat and Amo laughed while the song,” Maniac,” by Olivia Newton John played.
“Next contestant is the person ridin’ the deuce, or number two,” said Amo sternly as she mimicked Pat’s voice.
Ted Guna hurried up from his seat and over to the podium which was only at his knees. He grabbed the microphone, looked at it and smiled while Pat and Amo noticed this.
Ted is 6’8” and weighs 223 pounds with broad shoulders and a barrel chest. His hair is long blonde and flows down to the small of his back. He has light blue eyes and a long thin nose with a tiny round
dimple in the tip. He has high cheekbones and thick well defined lips, as well as a block jaw. He has hands so large he can hold 12 baseballs in one hand at one time, as well as he has a size 15 shoe. He has on a white cotton dress shirt that is unbuttoned showing the top of his chest as well as a pair of black leather pants and a pair of dark brown crushed leather boots.
“Hey this guy looks like a major prick, let’s have some fun,” said Pat happily as he leaned in and spoke into Amo’s ear. He thought what a conceited person Ted was.
“I agree, he didn’t tell us his name, which means he’s waiting for us to ask. So I say we don’t and neither of us makes eye contact,” said Amo slyly as she smiled at Pat who nodded yes. Then they heard Ted cough loudly and neither of them paid any attention.
“Ok, Deuce, your word is Pigpuddysweatneack. You have 1 minute. So hurry your ass up!” said Amo sharply as she looked down at her nails. Ted looked at her with a fierce glance as he fumed with anger.
“It’s Ted not deuce, Honey, and what kinda fucked up…,” said Ted sternly, but just then Pat pushed a button that made a loud wet farting sound and it echoed through the auditorium. This while he pressed another button and the vents began pumping in the smell of shit as Ted looked around in disbelief.
The crowd started to cough and yack as they fought to escape the malodorous smell. Ted looked at Amo not knowing what to think and asked jokingly,” What’d the room shit its pants? I haven’t smelled that much egg since I worked at Chucky Cheese,” said Ted slyly as he grabbed his crotch and a few people laughed.
“Ok, Deuce, that is incorrect your free t-shirt is signed and waiting down the right ramp,” said Amo sternly as she continued to look at Pat who was beneath the table laughing. And then she said sternly,”
Pat, stop laughing Deuce is about to lose it.”
Pat caught himself and sat back in his seat.
“Look you fucking Bitch…,” said Ted sharply, but just as he did the lights went off and a piano concerto by a little known indie band started. It sounded like a saw blade through wood as the crowd was still trying to stand the smell of shit.
Then the spotlight was shot right into Ted’s eyes and 3 seven foot tall 600 to 450 pound bodyguards appeared right beside Ted and started tugging him off the stage.
“Thanks, Deuce, enjoy the lavish alleyway as you bleed,” said Amo sarcastically as Ted was literally being carried off the stage by the bodyguards. Each of the bodyguards wore sweaters that had Amo and Pat’s smiling faces sewn onto them in perfect detail.
“Alright ladies and homeless men let’s put our hands together for Johnny on the spot and Lucille with a free meal. The tuba and clarinet section of Ridge Middle School!” said Pat loudly as he spun in a circle and out came a 4 foot tall red headed young boy with a silver tuba as well as an Asian American young girl with a clarinet in a red silk cat suit. They walked out to center stage and stopped (they were named Mikael Jiniu and Dorothy Rom).
Mikael and Dorothy started to play the AC/DC song,” Big Balls,” as the crowd clapped. Pat sent the smell of freshly cooked brownies over the auditorium, as the other spelling bee contestants just looked at each other nervously.
Pat and Amo pretended to love the song, but they knew it sounded terrible as they swayed back and forth.
“This is sheer and undeniable heaven, Pat. How did you know this would be so hilarious?” asked Amo in a sultry voice as she grinned at Pat and then kissed him. Pat laughed because he knew what was coming and she didn’t.
“Amo, we aren’t even started yet. Wait ‘til you see the Lightning Boner Round,” said Pat happily as Amo squinted her eyes at him not sure if he was serious.
“Lightning Boner Round, well now I’m stayin’. And I’m drinkin’ all your good beer,” said Amo in a thick southern accent as she aimed her index finger and thumb like a gun at Pat’s crotch. Pat pretended to tremble with fear.
“Don’t do it, don’t kill me last few sperms. My count’s too low,” pleaded Pat sarcastically as Mikael and Dorothy started to dance in between the other contestants as they played. Pat looked up at this and asked slyly,” Alright, Amo, who do you think should take home the million dollars?”
“How do I know, there’s only been 2 contestants so far?” asked Amo softly as she thought how sexy Pat looked and wanted to rip his clothes off.
“What? Do you think someone’s gonna win my million dollars that I don’t like or want too? Neh, Amo, neh, now I say we get to the action,” said Pat coyly as he kissed Amo. He sat down and hit a button that turned off the lights and doused the contestants in Brut Powder Deodorant. Pat chuckled and said sternly,” Alright contestant number 3 will be the third to go hurry the hell up!”
The crowd laughed as the 20 contestants including Dorothy and Mikael started brushing themselves off. Then Tori Black ran up to the microphone covered in powder.
Tori is 5’1” and weighs 90 pounds. She is 65 years old with a bulbous head as well as large breasts and a firm bottom. Her hair is naturally strawberry blonde and she has a button nose and thick red lips with a pyramid in the center of her lower lip. She has on a black silk shirt with the face of Paul McCartney with the words,” I believe in love, so buy my love for love’s sake, I’m broke,” written around his smiling face in red letters. She also had on a white cotton skirt and red sneakers.
“I’m number 3, I’m Tori don’t I look grand in my powder white clothes?” asked Tori jokingly as she pulled on the sides of her dress and grinned.
Meanwhile Pat and Amo grinned slightly was they both thought it was desperate for her to say it, but the crowd laughed.
“Your word is hairycragoon. You have one minute,” said Pat sternly as he slammed his fist on the table. Then Pat pressed a button that shut off all the lights in the room and a strobe light shot up from under Tori.
Tori completely froze and her hands flailed wildly as she started to have a panic attack. And then she said quickly,” Fuck you, you motherfucker Bastard. How dare you douse my nice new dress in piss powder!” shouted Tori and then she said calmly,” H, A, I, R, Y, C, R, A, G, O, O, N.”
Pat and Amo glared at Tori. Pat shook his head no and Tori’s heart sank.
“I mean yes, that’s absolutely 100 percent emphatically correct! You’re well on your way to the million dollars!” shouted Pat in a goofy voice as he shook his hands wildly above his head. The crowd cheered and Tori jumped up and down while she spit out powder and pumped her fists.
“I fuckin’ knew I was great! Screw you Andy Withers you don’t know me I’m a champion…”
shouted Tori before Pat shut off the lights and cut her off.
“Get off the fucking stage! Get your ass up and the fuck off my stage!” said Pat sternly as he slowly brought up the lights. Tori smiled and ran back to her seat as Amo laughed and thought how ridiculous Tori behaved.
“Now are we doing number 4?” asked Amo as she looked at the contestants and how covered in powder and unhappy they were. She felt terrible for them while Pat just smiled, stood up and started stomping his foot.
“You knock me off of my FEET now baby oooho!” sang Pat loudly as he grabbed his crotch like he was Michael Jackson. He looked at Amo and nodded yes then no and said quickly,” Press the blue button, Amo, our lives depend on it.”
Amo grinned and casually looked for the button. She pressed it causing a deluge of cold water to douse the contestants. Then 2 dozen people ran up onto the stage in black leather jumpsuits with white bathrobes in their hands and hurried over to each of the contestants. While this happened several changing booths lowered down from the ceiling. The contestants started changing their clothes while Amo and Pat grinned at one another.
“So they weren’t clean enough to win, is that it, Pat?” asked Amo as she tickled Pat and wondered what could possibly happen next. Pat simply looked away.
“That’s exactly it, I can’t have them and their excrement covered clothes and hands touching my God covered stage! I can’t dream of a worse death for I, or you deplorable, Amo,” said Pat sarcastically in a stern voice as he pretended to be crushing Amo’s head. Pat was barely touching her and she laughed loudly and punched him softly in the stomach.
“Neither can I, unless it involves flesh eating house cats who hide their true intentions ‘til you’re fast asleep. Then of course there’s the death defying pickles that scare me even now. Is that one there?” asked Amo sarcastically as she pointed over Pat’s shoulder and he laughed and didn’t look.
“Now, Fairest of Fairs, we’ve got the Lightning Boner Round to attend to. And so we shall,” said Pat calmly as he sat down and looked up and saw all the contestants in fluffy white bathrobes and black dragon head’s slippers. They sat happily as their hair was being toweled off for them and he said fiercely,” God damn it I want contestants 4 through 7 to get up to that bitch of a microphone! And that cunt of a podium, and answer my Motherfuckin’ questions! Now move your Bitch Asses!” said Pat angrily in a thick city accent as he grinned mischievously and nodded his head slowly. This while Amo rolled with laughter and the 4 contestants 4 through 7 raced to the microphone.
There were 2 women and 2 men named Rod, Patrice, Emma, and Francesco.
Rod has a purple Mohawk that is perfectly gelled and he is overly handsome, as well as being much older than he looks as he is 36. Patrice is odd looking as she has 2 large round nostrils and orange eyes that throw people off. She also has short blonde hair with an S like superman in the front, with a blue tear tattoo at the bottom of the S on her forehead. She is 5’5” and very curvaceous and has a tiny smile at all times.
Emma is a natural blonde with it being shoulder length with a triangle shaped set of bangs in the front. Her eyes are hazel and warm. She has a long thin upturned nose that has a diamond stud on the right side. She also has large white round teeth that make her smile infectious. She is 5’2” and weighs 132
pounds with round shoulders.
Francesco has wavy seal black hair that bounces up and down when he walks. He also has a prominent nose with no bump in it, as well as a smiling mouth. His eyes are yellow and one is a lazy eye that looks to his left. He is 6’0” and weighs 185 pounds with a pot belly and powerful forearms.
“Hi I’m Rod nice to meet you,” said Rod nervously as Pat didn’t know what to make of him.
“I’m Emma it’s an adventure,” said Emma coyly as she did a tah-dah motion with her hands and kicked her foot out quickly twice to impress the judges. Pat laughed and Amo jabbed him in the side. Pat looked at her and tapped his temple twice.
“Hi I’m Patrice and perfection is in the eye of the beholder. A diamond cutter told me that when I asked him directions,” said Patrice jokingly as she winked at Pat and blew him a kiss. Then she waved at Amo and gave her a smile. All this while a smiling Amo and Pat did nothing and stared back at her.
“I’m Francesco and I am a new citizen in America and hope you make my whole life with this million dollars,” said Francesco in a thick Italian accent as he shook his hips and smiled wildly.
The crowd cheered as Pat and Amo tried not to laugh, but Pat lost it and let out a cackle.
“Alright great nobody move an inch while I converse with the love of my life,” said Pat sharply then he leaned in and whispered jokingly into Amo’s ear,” Ok look, the love of my life isn’t here so you’ll have to do. What I’m about to do is really amp up the volume in this competition, and I wanted you to have the lowdown. See that Emma is about to win, but the other ones need a swift kick in the ego, ya follow?” asked Pat slyly as he made a buck toothed smile. Amo laughed because she thought he was an idiot.
“Yeah, I’ll follow you right to the graveyard and give you a good swift kick in the butt, after I tell you I dropped my keys and you are looking in a deep grave. This is how much I love you and more and the idea of you dead. So dig me a grave, Ya Burnout,” said Amo sarcastically as Pat laughed. Pat reached up and pressed a button for the smell of a skunk to blow only on the contestants.
“Here’s how it’s gonna go, I’ll call your number then say a series of letters. Then you have one chance to guess what word it spells. Got it here we go! Wait I neglected to mention the letters would not be in any specific order. And here we go number 6 are you there?” asked Pat firmly as Emma stepped forward and did a wide smile. She grabbed the microphone and her eyes grew wide.
“I’m ready when you…” said Emma brightly as she licked the microphone, but Pat cut her off.
“W, O, D, S, L, R, what’s your answer you have 60 seconds?!” said Pat sharply and Emma continued licking the microphone as she tried to think of the answer. Pat started getting a boner as did half the audience as Amo looked on in shock.
“You better not be enjoying that, Pat. I will.. ohh that’s nasty,” said Amo in disbelief as Emma continued licking it and Pat kept on staring at Emma.
“That’s why it’s called the Lightning Boner Round, Emma, I mean, Amo,” said Pat nervously as he watched Emma eagerly. Amo reached over and felt Pat’s penis and it was hard.
“Pat, why don’t you keep that cock good and hard until I say different,” said Amo sternly as she rubbed Pat’s penis. He looked over at her and smirked while Emma continued to lick the microphone.
“My answer is, worlds, is that the way of it?” asked Emma in a thick British accent as she set down the microphone. Emma waited as Pat looked at her blankly.
“Yeah, I mean yes it is and you can get back in line you little hussy. Up next is you, Francesco, and your letters are B, N, O, E, R, B, U, R, S, T. Have at it you little prick,” said Pat nonchalantly as he instantly started making out with Amo. Francesco watched and thought not bad for an American, but was nervous he couldn’t solve the word.
Pat stopped kissing Amo and she continued to stroke his penis.
“You only have 30 seconds left, Francesco, so I’d hurry up! Is that what you want, Pat, for me to hurry up?” asked Amo sternly as she rubbed Pat’s penis faster..
Francesco racked his brain and then blurted out,” Rubstbone!”
Pat looked over at Francesco and felt insulted that it was such a bad guess. Pat reached over and grabbed a hold of a dial on the table and twisted it. When he did a large black balloon filled with tiny balloons filled with red wine and lobster guts was dropped down on top of Francesco covering him completely.
“Yeah, it’s a no, sorry about that Goo, beat it,” said Pat snidely as Francesco was fuming and glared at Pat and Amo.
When Francesco started for the Judges box a pair of 400 pound bodyguards snared him in a large fishing net and toted him off the stage kicking and screaming. Pat was just about to cum and then he said sternly,” You are next, Patrice, and your letters are F, U, B, U, T, C, K, T. Have at it, Hoss.”
Patrice got a quizzical look on her face as she tried to think what it could be.
“Jesus Christ that’s exactly it for fuck’s sake ahh!” said Pat loudly as he ejaculated in his pants. Amo smiled as she knew how lucky she was to be with a brave man.
“But I haven’t answered yet how could that be the right answer?” asked Patrice warmly as she looked at Pat who only stared blankly back at her.
“Look, you tryin’ to cheat me or what? What’s your answer, ass r us?” asked Pat firmly as he sat back in his seat and let out a sigh. This while Amo smiled and Patrice stormed off the stage in disgust.
“Alright look, Pat, let’s hammer out the rest of these contestants as fast as we can because momma needs some lovin’ too,” said Amo slyly as she rubbed her chest.
Then for another 20 minutes they went through all the contestants until only three remained. The final three were Emma, Menau, and Tori. Each of them got asked to do a talent test before they could enter the grand finale.
“I can change me, from the red of northern Queens! It only fills my heart with dreams, but while I wonder about what’s right for meee. I know that it’s never tragedy. So I say this bit I hope that it rings trueee! I always loved my Pa and Mamma as I did you,” sang Tori awkwardly as she ran around the stage and dry humped a pair of chairs. Tori ran and did a full split, but she threw out her back as she did and fell over on her side and shouted,” Motherfucker, you shit faced nut head! I’ll kill you all for this embarrassment!”
“You may leave the stage now,” said Pat in a deep voice as he calmly waved to Tori as they wheeled her off on a stretcher. The crowd cheered and Tori threw a thumbs up to the crowd. Then they cheered even louder while Amo rolled with laughter.
“That Tori is a spitting image of why we need cemeteries. Boy it warms my kettle of coffee when I put it on the stove, metaphorically speaking of horse,” said Amo sarcastically as she swooned to the piano song being played by Pat on a tiny computer keyboard.
“Oh that’s the good stuff. My fans know when I’m in the zone. Which I’m not now, woo BUTTPLUG!” said Pat jokingly and sarcastically as he played a raucous and indistinguishable piano song that the crowd wasn’t enjoying and they cringed. Pat was on the verge of hysterics as Amo rubbed his back.
“It’s now time for Emma to display her formidable acting prowess. Emma, show us your Tando Giver, we can’t wait,” said Amo slyly as she rubbed Pat’s head.
Tando Giver was a blonde haired California boy (only he was from Maine). His looks were so stunning that they made most beautiful women instantly nervous and hot and bothered. He studied method acting in his teen years, but felt there were more powerful emotions to be gotten too. He did this by instituting large powerful fantasies into his mind just as the right moments occurred. His style of acting was categorized as Flashy and terrifying and became known as Givernomics. He won 3
consecutive Oscars before he turned 20 years old. This thoroughly terrified the older generation of actors as they knew they couldn’t do what he did. Tando said of acting,” I won’t let reality get in the way of a scene. Instead I’ll start a thread of original emotion a few moments before the director says action. Then stay in that world until someone pulls me out kicking and hopefully screaming. Tando later quipped,” If I knew it all, I’d be a jet airplane in a tunnel, unbearable.”
Emma walked slowly out onto the center of the stage and started wrapping her bare legs around a chair as her head swayed back and forth.
“She’s swaying me to death. I thought she was a Tando,” said Pat sarcastically as he stared right at Emma’s large round butt and fantasized about a three way with Amo.
This while Amo thought how beautiful Emma’s movements were. Then the crowd started to boo as she continued to sway her head back and forth and a man yelled out,” Your acting’s like my French toast, only good when I’m not hungry!”
“Oh let the dying fool of idiocy try and bring down the ax I use for these affairs! Let him know that no one dare stare at my chicken or its numerous yellow eggs for long without a descending blow upon their neck! I am the keeper of things! I know where you’ve hidden the answers to every moment of genius. And if you won’t spare us the injustice of you and your gun filled with air. Then a thunderclap of new ideas will…” said Emma fiercely, but just then Pat hit the button for a loud long farting noise. Then Pat filled the room with the smell of shit.
“I apologize I eat too much cheese, ‘cause yes it’s the cheesiest,” said Pat sarcastically into the microphone as Emma scowled at him. Amo laughed and then Pat said slyly,” Please continue we’re still awake.”
“Let the skulls of destiny roll down a hill of success as I run through the fields of satisfaction. God knoweth I am the owner of my dreams. And no one will ever hold my soul in perpetuity while I languish in horror! Never, you bitches, never!” shouted Emma as she pounded her chest and spit at the crowd as she tore off her clothes.
“Yeah, ok great up next Menau and her yo-yo. Thanks, Emma, for scarring me for life. Now it’s another 10 years of therapy before I can say Dad I love you!” said Pat sarcastically as the crowd burst out laughing and Emma stormed off the stage. Emma she shook her head as the smell of shit was burning her nostrils.
Then up walked Menau with a green yo-yo shaped like the Three Stooges characters of Larry and Curly. She clapped her free hand against her hip to get the audience to clap for her. The audience started clapping and Menau started spinning her yo-yo in front of her stomach very calmly. Then suddenly she started doing sideways flips while yo-yoing. A moment later she did a twisting running flip as she flung the yo-yo high into the rafters. And as she landed she lunged backwards over her shoulder and caught it with her teeth.
“I haven’t seen a trick that good since Bobby Belings told me his dick tasted like smores. Boy I miss camping,” said Amo sarcastically as she folded her arms and looked down at her chest. Amo wished she had larger breasts as she looked at Menau’s breasts and thought how lucky she was at her age to have the large size she did.
“Baby, my dick tastes like smores. Mainly because I rubbed some on it at breakfast,” said Pat sarcastically as he grinned slightly and Amo squinted at him. This while Pat looked at Menau and saw her do a one-handed handspring. Then she did a lightning quick spin with the yo-yo behind her back.
Pat thought how talented she was and wished he had been more motivated when he was young.
Menau started doing a forward spin on the floor and continued yo-yoing as she did, as the crowd cheered louder and louder. Menau rolled up onto her feet and tapped the Larry and Curly heads together and when she did they burst into confetti and covered Menau.
“She is just awesome and I do mean amazingly awesome. In the biggest way possible,” said Pat in shock as the crowd gave Menau a standing ovation. Amo looked at Pat sternly and Pat asked,” What, did I steal your breakfast? ‘Cause that wasn’t me.”
“This isn’t a talent show. It’s a spelling bee where someone’s getting a million dollars. Man up and do something,” said Amo firmly as she shook her fist in the air.
Pat grinned as he knew what was about to happen and she didn’t. He pointed to his brain implying he was smarter than her.
“Alright great, Menau, I had a feeling you’d be so good and GREAT, but I’m contractually obligated not to say so. Now the 2 people who will face off in the ultimate final showdown! Are…” said Pat loudly and in a deep voice. He jumped up on the Judge’s box and started spanking himself and shaking his hips.
He did all this while he made a sound like a dying horse.
The crowd looked on in shock, as well as embarrassment for Pat as he got down on his knees and acted like a puppy waiting for a treat.
Amo didn’t know what to think, but was thankful no one in the audience could see her in the Judge’s box.
“The winner, of a chance, at being a real stud winner is…,” said Pat coyly and in a deep voice as he smiled from ear to ear (he had no intention of announcing the winners until he saw them squirming more).
He was watching them out of the corner of his eye and then he started crying as he wanted their sympathy. Amo started laughing and Pat said sternly,” The person, who personifies a true legend in our business. And the man we look too in times of need to bring it on home…Tando Giver everyone!”
Then a holographic forest of large green trees appeared on the stage and out walked a Tando look-alike and the crowd started to cheer. The contestants were taken aback as even they couldn’t tell it wasn’t him.
“Oh my God, Tando, I can’t believe it’s you,” said Tori in shock as she sat in her wheelchair and started weeping.
As this happened Menau looked at her mom and mouthed the words,” Who is Tando?”
“Oh I thought this day was a certainty, oh, Tando, I knew you’d lift the restraining order,” said Emma quietly as an odd not at home smile crept across her face and the fake Tando (named Ret Ciggle) ran up onto a hanging step ladder. A second later he was hoisted up above the stage as he smiled to the cheering crowd.
“Tando, I knew that I loved you. Tando, make me your lover. I may not be a looker, but I’ll do whatever you want me too. So grab my ass and shake my tits. You don’t have to say I’m pretty. Tando, we were born to be forever. We are here because of sanc-ti-ty,” said Pat sarcastically as he played his piano and Amo laughed.
Amo draped her arms over his shoulders as the crowd continued to cheer. They were about to explode and Pat thought he was too happy for words.
Ret floated over Emma’s head and she started reaching for his feet and screaming incoherently. Ret looked down and saw this and was a little scared at how crazy she looked. Emma ran and jumped at Ret’s feet latching onto his foot, but she slid off him with his shoe in her hands. She fell flat on her back with the size 10 Nike dress shoe snuggly in her mouth. She started hugging the shoe and then Emma said excitedly,” Oh Jesus, Tando, your feet smells so sexy I can’t ever forget this heavenly scent as long as I breathe! Come back, Tando, I want satisfaction!” shouted Emma as she tried to stand up, but she felt a pain in her leg so she knelt down.
“Oh God did you see that, Pat?” asked Amo in disbelief as she put her hand over her mouth. Pat pulled out a tube of Hydrocodone pills and offered Amo one. She took 3 pills and said warmly,” Thank you ,Love O’ Life.”
“Yes I saw it and there is a heaven. And it’s up on that stage. Wait ‘til you see this next part, oh deliver me a memory,” said Pat coyly as he reached over and pressed a white button.It started snowing on the stage, with it being nearly a whiteout scenario.
Tori and Menau were being doused and Tori shouted,” I’ll shove a red hot poker up your asses! You think you can fuck me and my hot pussy! I’ll put a right hard hook in your cocksuckin’ faces! Don’t’ dare me I’ve killed for less!” screamed Tori as she tried to stand up but the pain was too much.
Menau meanwhile was making snow angels on the stage and singing Frosty the Snowman. This while Ret was looking around not knowing what to do as Emma worked her way to her feet and then ran over and tackled Ret. This sent the two of them hard to the floor. Then the song,” Burnt in Heaven,” by the band,” Another Cast Out Angel,” could be heard blaring through the speakers and a chorus of boos from the audience ensued.
Another Cast Out Angel is comprised of a group of M.I.T. professors who abandoned the pursuit of knowledge for the pursuit of pussy and cash. They set about calculating the odds that certain lyrics would be a hit for one. Certain styles of singing could be more popular for two. And lastly figured out what types of bios and credos the band would have to have. For example Peter Ren who was a nuclear fission professor became Peta Bomb and has the credo,” Maybe it’s mine, but I’m outta blood so suck it.” The other two members altered everything from their appearance which Red Mount grew his hair to his shoulders and had a professional stylist curl it and weave it properly to look just like Robert Plant’s hair.
To Cumstock Johnson formerly Paul Storsky changed his speaking voice to that of an English accent by using a professional linguist. After they’d made the necessary changes and had the necessary surgeries to turn back the clock they chose pop rock slash country as their style of music based on the fact they were large sellers at the time. Then they enlisted professional teachers to show them how to play, sing, and even move on stage. 4 months later they were the biggest band in the world and had so much money they founded their own college titled aptly,” Learned Youth and Hell Seekers College.”
“OK look, Amo, if this isn’t the scene of your dreams then I apologize for not having more Reeses Pieces. Now listen up and throw your eyes to the crowd,” said Pat slyly as he pointed out in the audience.
Amo looked and saw 6 large men in demon outfits and they had giant muscles that were colored burgundy as well as horned heads. Amo’s eyes bugged out as she felt scared and nervous.
“What in the glory hole’s return is that? Jesus did we just switch dimensions or something?” asked Amo sarcastically as she watched the demons pull out white iris grenades called Fundas. Then they hurled them into the audience. This caused a fireworks light explosion of yellow, purple, and turquoise lights that formed the image of a bull and Zebra engaging in a fierce battle.
Fundas cause a person’s iris to focus and unfocus rapidly as it tricks your eye into seeing things that aren’t there by sending a powerful neurotoxin into the air that you then breathe in. The effect of the
Fundas lasted for 5 minutes and brings about euphoric rushes for those who inhale it. It also makes a person very amorous, as well as supremely focused on whatever they are doing at the time.
They were created by Dr. Igor Funda during his senior year at Harvard. He was trying to create a drug that had no side effects, but was also above prosecution by the police. After several months and several misfires, he happened upon an herb found in the Himalayas that was known to cause partial blindness called Saral. Then he grinded it up into a fine powder and mixed it with other chemicals. Soon he started selling it at parties and thus started his empire.
“Not us, them, those people out there are really about to see a show when I announce the finalists.
Keep your eyes on the crowd for a minute,” said Pat coyly then he turned on his microphone as the contestants were now covered in snow. Emma was making out with a happy Ret and then Pat said sternly,” The two finalists are Menau and Emma, Tori, you just creeped me out too much now beat it you tranny freak.”
“Whatever in the piss soup did I do to you to make you lose our love? I swear I will hurl that brick made of shit that I so desperately love at your trailer as I shout,” said Tori calmly and then she raised her fists above her head and shouted,” you FUCKR HEADCASE cunt bum mofo rat dink bastard! I’ll kill you and the very thought of your jerk ass! I’ll smoke your ashes while I sleep with your flat-chested bitch of a girlfriend there! You haven’t heard the last of Tori’s stink and awe campaign! I’ll haunt your dirt faced children too, ‘cause that’s how I roll!” shouted Tori then Pat motioned to his bodyguards. They grabbed her wheelchair and pushed her off the stage. This as Menau covered her ears and Amo and Pat fought back laughter. Pat turned on a holographic mirror ball in the middle of the stage.
The mirror ball made the crowd gasp, but just as they did an ominous bassy piano started to play.
Then 50 white hawk shaped canisters were shot over the stage from either side as they got to the center the hologram of the mirror ball appeared to gobble them. Suddenly they exploded and a huge black devil appeared in their stead towering 20 feet in the air (the devil has balls in each hand and an armament of
weapons across his chest). He pulls out his machine gun out and shouts at the audience,” You’re all fuckin’ dead!”
He instantly started firing his guns at the audience scaring them into a panic, but the bullets were only made of different colored lights. Many of the people ran for the exits as Amo laughed hysterically and Pat rubbed her back.
“Isn’t it heaven, Amo?” asked Pat warmly as he pulled back Amo’s hair and grinned as they watched the unbridled chaos. Pat felt lucky to have Amo and she felt the same way at that very same moment as they looked on in wonderment.
“This is way beyond heaven, Pat, I think and that’s what my brain’s for, that someday I might think of this again and wonder. What a pair of fucking PSYCHOS you and I are. Because, Pat, I can’t get over how fun it is to watch that many panicked faces,” said Amo sincerely and half jokingly as she teared up and then kissed Pat’s hand.
Pat felt he truly loved her just then, more than he ever had and Amo was content.
Up on the stage Menau and Emma were doing other things. With Emma giving Ret a blowjob and Menau skipping around the stage playfully as she was totally oblivious to what was happening.
“Yes, Amo, I am wise and my ideas pristine, but don’t let a surgeon into my dreams!” sang Pat sarcastically as he danced around either side of Amo’s head. Pat said warmly,” Amo, you’re all I think about when I have many things on my mind. So why don’t we get this party started,” said Pat boldly as he reached down beneath his seat and pulled out a Superman mask with a pair of silver sunglasses affixed to it. He put it on as Amo smiled.
“What, you’re a super hero now?” asked Amo jokingly as she pulled back her hair and laughed. Pat looked mischievous and a wry smile came across his face.
“I always was, you just needed to know now, because the safety of the world depends on it. Now time for my numerous bitches!” said Pat loudly and jokingly as he jumped up on the Judges box and as he did a red spotlight shone down on him as the room lights went out. Pat said slyly,” I’ve got to make changes to me or I’ll only be half the unbelievable and twice the great man I say I am. And if I don’t lives will be lost and the finality of my unbridled greatness will be all but a fine and treasured memory, by all of you. Now in regards to the spelling bee, it’s over and the winner will have to take my million and TRY
and BE HAPPY!” said Pat coyly and emotionally as a bodyguard came up and offered him a tissue.
Pat looked away quickly and shook his head no. Pat thundered,” The sweet and gooey champion will be…decided in a 2 word naked free- for-all mid stage! And if you answer both words correctly, and there is a collapsing universe to contend with, then I’ll have to keep the money and you’ll both get nothing but a warm smile from me! No I’m just, having a bit of fun with you, one of you is about to walk home with air, and the other a millionaire!”
“Is it me first or Emma, ‘cause I’m ready for Freddie?” asked Menau happily as she smiled and played with her fingers. Pat started crying and Emma had her hand on Ret’s ass as he stood beside her.
Amo looked at everything and just smiled and thought she’d seen it all.
“Now wait a minute you little Tart. I don’t want to stand up here all day. I’d rather know if I’m rich or just poor or poorer. So how ‘bout I go first, Pat, I know I’ll get it right?” asked Emma in a thick British accent as she squinted at Pat.
This while Pat was shaking and had a stream of tears rolling down his face. He remembered when his friend Rand died in a bicycle accident (when they were each 8) by getting hit coming out of their driveway.
“Are you alright, Pat?” asked Amo as she hugged Pat. “Is it too much for you ‘cause I can handle it from here?” asked Amo in a concerned voice as Pat fell to his knees and started punching the top of the Judges box. Pat rose up and glared at Menau.
“Chuka Khan, Chuka, where my little Chuka now?” sang Pat jokingly as he spun on one foot. “Did she steal the old brown cow?! Are there dangles in the berry? Is she feelin’ like she looks, kinda scary!
Chuka can you hear me, Chukaaaaa!” sang Pat as he danced in a circle and the crowd cheered him on as a backing track to the song Maniac started to play.
“Jesus F. Christ, have you completely lost it?” asked Amo happily as Pat shook his hips and gyrated to the music. The crowd went crazy and Emma, Ret, and Menau smiled and clapped for Pat.
“I’m way past lost it, I’ve found it and we are lovers,” said Pat boldly as the song hit its crescendo with an organ part from The Who song,” Baba O’ Reily.”
“Alright, I just wanted to be sure. Now how ‘bout I do this,” said Amo boldly as she jumped up next to Pat and kissed him. She flashed the audience her bare breasts and Pat shook his head playfully. The crowd was in hysterics as a small boy’s eyes bugged out so far his mother covered his eyes with her hand.
“Ok we’re almost at the point where I feel ok with being a third of the way to finding our winner,”
said Pat sarcastically and slowly and the crowd booed. Pat shook his head and laughed and then said sarcastically,” I know you can’t get enough and you’re thirsting for more of my singin’ and dancin’. So I’ll give it to you in spades. Randy, give me an F sharp!” shouted Pat and then a guitar player off stage began playing an F sharp note and a series of chords. Pat sang drunkenly,” Let’s hear a rousing good old fuck you! For all of our friends who drank all of our brew. And when we arrive at a place we weren’t going! The tires will run flat and the sky will be raining FROZEN TEARS!! So if you think that I’m handsome you’d be right. But don’t coo ‘cause I’m Boner McDuff and my rod’s dark bluuee!”
“He should get an ovation you fuckers! Get off your asses already!” shouted Amo sarcastically and angrily at the crowd as Pat was down on one knee waving his hand and shaking his head no. This while Menau started to fidget and Emma furrowed her brow and folded her arms.
“Has he gone loco? I had an uncle who ate paste, always thought the ground was crying. This Pat though makes him look like a psychiatrist,” said Emma sternly as Menau kept nodding and thinking about Billy Bowdoin her schoolyard crush. She wished he were here so she could smile at him. The crowd started to get a little antsy and started hurling obscenities at Pat and Amo, as Pat started to do the worm on the Judges box. He pressed a red button and Menau, Ret, and Emma were covered in thick brown mud followed by a ball of orange cat fur.
“We’re just getting warmed up! Who’s not having fun, Anybody?!” yelled Pat as he pretended he didn’t know what happened on stage.
Amo turned and saw Emma storm off the stage, but as she did a large man in a red suit stopped her by shooting her with a fireman’s hose. This sent Emma hard onto her back again.
Then a deluge of water was dropped on Menau and Ret and a dozen staffers again ran up on the stage this time with designer clothes by Armani and the changing stalls lowered to the floor. Emma was lying on the floor and she shouted,” The fucking Queen is gonna hear about this and she’ll kill every one of you who’s laughin’!”
After Emma, Ret, and Menau had changed Pat pulled out top hats for Amo and him (they were each green and had red floral design with a tiny doll of a naked man taking a piss on the brow of Pat’s and on the brow of Amo’s a woman riding a goat with her legs spread eagle).
“Ok alright I know what you’ve been waiting for and it isn’t to pay those needless taxes. Or mow that never ending lawn while it rains. Or when you’re midway through and a sheik tackles you from behind and shouts, GET OFF MY LAWN, I told you not to come back here after you shit in my
birdbath!” shouted Pat as he flailed his arms and the crowd started to clap. He nodded yes and asked sarcastically,” Don’t ya hate that? Or when you’re held hostage by a tribe of cannibals who say you taste like filet mignon, because all they’ve eaten is their own excrement. Don’t ya hate that, it’s happened to me twice, show me the love please?!” asked Pat sarcastically as he put his hands out towards the audience and a man yelled out,” When will they get the million?!”
“Yeah we’re dyin’ to know,” said Amo slyly as she grinned at Pat who gave a no nod and then a yes nod. Grega, Den, and Rosemary walked up to the Judge’s box and looked at Pat and Amo curiously. They were laughing as they didn’t know what to think of Amo and Pat. Amo said slyly,” You haven’t missed a thing. Why don’t you have a seat?” asked Amo coyly as she smiled slightly.
Rosemary shook her head and then Grega, Den, and Rosemary sat down in the Judge’s box.
“Look People I’ve been through so many things. Like that time I woke up with a pig’s ass in my grill and it smelled bad. I won’t tell ya what he ate for dinner, but I could taste it oooh. Then in my teens I met a woman with sharp purple nose hairs that I wanted to touch. And when I turned my head away from her, just for a moment, that bitch’s purple nose hairs caught me right in the eye. So I know you must be thinking, boy he’s had an unbelievable life, aren’t his stories about himself a little wild and too remarkable. Why can’t I be interesting like him and have such times? I’ll tell ya the truth, you can’t!
Because it’s all bullshit and I’m a lying machine. So sit back as I find a better way to sniff my farts,” said Pat sarcastically in a warm voice as he paced back and forth. Grega and everyone laughed while the crowd booed and started throwing packs of gum and combs at Pat.
“Oh Jesus what have we missed?” asked Grega as he tried to contain his laughter as Rosemary and Den couldn’t. They wished they’d gotten there sooner as Amo saw them laughing and grinned.
Menau meanwhile was sitting in her black strapless Armani dress in a red leather recliner next to Emma. Emma was in a lacy red off the shoulder frock that went to just above her knees, with a built in
pair of white spandex leggings. Emma had a stern look on her face as she was very angry, but did not want anyone to know she was about to burst.
“We were missin’ pure poetry, Grega, he’s in the mother fuckin’ zone!” yelled Den as he sat forward and wiped the tears of joy from his face.
Rosemary sat there laughing and thinking how sexy Pat looked up there, as Pat pretended to play the violin and Amo patted his belly.
“Maybe we see eye to eye. Maybe that’s why grown men cry. I only say this…bums smell like ass!
They really stink of shit and, I don’t know when they forgot to bath their bodies of caked on street person.
But I love them and think hey…let’s change the world. Let’s start right now by each of us going out and finding a cardboard hotel. And inviting our new friend home with us! I’d even say leave your bedroom door wide open as you sleep, because they may want to snuggle. And don’t worry about them bashing your head in with a lead pipe. No, no if anything it’s just their way of waking you up. And as you lie there near dead, remember this refrain…Chuka can you hear me, Chuka!” said Pat sarcastically as the crowd booed and Pat pretended they were hugging him as he hugged the air.
Grega was laughing hysterically as Amo had to look away. This while Menau and Emma were even laughing themselves at what a funny buddy Pat was being.
“That boy is so far beyond weirdsville. Ya know I’m goin’ up there. Why should he have all the fun?” asked Rosemary slyly as she stood up. She walked over to Pat and Amo and tapped Amo on the shoulder.
“Rosemary, how great for us to meet you in a completely normal way,” said Amo sarcastically as Amo smiled. Pat started kissing the air and the crowd let out a round of disgusted sighs.
“You can’t fool me, I know you and Pat are aliens. Can the audience hear me right now?” asked Rosemary as she leaned in next to Amo. Then she heard a man yell,” Of course we hear you, you shithead! Get off the stage!”
This caused Rosemary to blush and she looked at the audience.
“Let ‘em have it, Rosemary,” whispered Amo in her ear.
Rosemary smirked, did a curtsy and nodded yes with a big smile. All this while Pat pretended to still be kissing someone.
“Look my Brothers and Sisters of the food stamp crowd, I stand before your shirts of piss stain and your pants of holes and ask…Can a woman of superior intellect truly exist in a room filled with idiots?
No, no she can only resist the temptation to pummel each of you jackasses over the head with your government cheese and Velcro zippers. Now beg at my breast of comeuppance you fools of fooldum,”
said Rosemary sarcastically as she spoke in a deep almost John F. Kennedy like voice. Rosemary only peeked at the audience occasionally when they booed louder.
Grega and Den couldn’t stop laughing. While Emma and Menau were sitting comfortably as they were brought a couple of pieces of pizza and ate ravenously. They didn’t realize it had been covered in a powerful laxative and the soda they were drinking had a high level of Dadca in it.
“Oh how I’ve waited to say nothing and do even less at this very moment. The rides of starch are upon us and the world is near its death,” said Pat in a Shakespearian ease as he held his hand outstretched in front of him like he had a skull in it. Then he said sarcastically,” Do be a friend to me as I am so very lonely! Please reach out to this man before he dies in front of you! Let not the loss of love end a relationship! Eat more beef, but let no cows die! I am but a lowly supreme being and prophet of the needy! Let this sunlight bring light to an early morning. When this comes down, let there be rain on the
plain BAGELS!” thundered Pat sarcastically as he glared at the audience. They erupted into massive cheering and Amo started to weep.
Grega and Den laughed as hard as they could while Rosemary smiled and looked around the audience.
Rosemary thought about how powerful she felt.
“Den, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Did we just walk into a different dimension?” asked Grega as he looked at Den and tried not to feel inferior to Pat by sticking it to Den, as he knew he could do that easily.
“We’re there already, and the scenery is playboy photos and used rubbers. It just feels like home that’s all,” said Den sarcastically as he made a hand gesture like the wind was blowing him backwards.
Den stared chuckling loudly as he caught Grega’s apparent slight. Den didn’t let him have it causing Grega to force a grin.
“What do you mean are we back in Maine?” asked Grega sarcastically as he threw up his hands. “Is this your parents basement with all your soiled underwear on the floor, what?” asked Grega sarcastically as he knew this time he was sticking it to Den because Den lived with his parents.
Den could only smirk as he didn’t want to let on that he was mad, but realized it was too late.
“I am what I made me, and that’s Momma’s son. You didn’t seem to mind when I was rollin’ your dubees back in preschool,” said Den half-jokingly as he remembered when Grega was 9 and he rolled Grega a joint and he got stoned with him and Grega tried to eat a dog turd. Grega forced another smile as that was a sore spot because Den repeatedly brought it up at odd times.
“A little juvenile dubbage, how can I forget? Boy this is a great show,” said Grega vacantly and coyly as he wanted to punch Den in the face but Grega hid his contempt for him because he just didn’t have that many friends.
While Den quietly smiled and looked up to see Pat, Amo, and Rosemary up on the stage standing beside Menau and Emma who were sitting still.
“Menau, Emma, Menau, Emma, you will be the first to go, Menau, Emma. Alright, Menau, spell the word Staringpeni. You have one minute!” said Pat sharply and jokingly as he quickly backed away from Menau and let out a grunt.
Menau felt instantly nervous and started fumbling with her dress as Grega was still fuming at what Den had done. Grega was trying to make Den uncomfortable by completely ignoring him, but Den didn’t care because he was stoned.
“Staringpeni, can you use it in a sentence?” asked Menau nervously as she felt very embarrassed that it was a word she’d never heard of.
Pat raced back over to her side and started staring down at her.
“Do you want me to let you visit with my, Staringpeni? You have one minute, one minute or your fucked, hurry up!” said Pat loudly and jokingly as he continued to stare at Menau.
She looked up at him wide eyed and nervous. This while Amo slid in on the other side of her and also stared down at Menau who looked up and cringed.
“This girl’s meat, I can tell right now it smells of kid bacon, she’s gonna blow it,” said Den joyously as a wide smile came across his face. Den looked up at Menau and thought how quiet Grega was being.
Then Den looked over at him and saw an angry expression on his face and asked warmly,” You look a little pissed off, Grega, are you alright? You know I’ve got medicine.”
Grega just stared forward blankly and didn’t respond to Den. Now Grega was even madder that Den thought he could ask him anything when Den knew Grega was pissed. Grega acted like he didn’t hear Den and Den grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Then he looked up at the stage knowing now that Grega was being a baby, but not caring.
“Staringpeni, S, T, A, R, I, N, G,…P, E, N,…I, Staringpeni. Did I win, can I stick it to people?”
asked Menau excitedly as she jumped up and down. Pat and Amo glared at her and each shook their heads yes and no respectively. Menau threw up her hands and stuck out her tongue and said nervously,” Wha wha woooh.”
“Menau, I’ve heard some stupid things, I’ve seen some disgusting gestures in lewd and uncouth porno but I’ve never, and I mean never rolled over at 3 in the morning and seen a vat of sheep innards or a side of beans. Now that said, I’m gonna say something to you and your not gonna like it, but I’m gonna love it, Menau. Menau, you just made, Emma’s life is a living hell! And you need deodorant, because you got it 187 percent right!” yelled Pat as he started dancing like James Brown.
Menau jumped up and did a twisting full split and Emma got very nervous.
Den laughed hysterically as he was dying for a stress release because Grega was still pissed and he knew it. This while Grega halfheartedly clapped and forced a smile, as he wanted to punch Pat in the head and kick Den in the balls.
“I fuckin’ knew I was a champion! I am so fucking great right now!” shouted Menau as she did an awkward dance and pointed to the crowd with a mischievous grin on her face, as the crowd cheered.
Emma looked on in disbelief with her hands on her hips.
Pat and Amo put on a pair of black and red paisley design leather jackets. They each grabbed a long rubber sword from one of Pat’s bodyguards.
“Come on now, have a bit of respect for old, decrepit, Emma. You incorrigible Sprat, wise up already,” said Emma in disgust at Menau acting like she was riding a horse as the crowd cheered.
Pat and Amo slid in beside Emma with wry smiles on their faces. This caused Emma to get nervous and fold her arms while Ret walked off stage.
“Emma, a lot of women have pussy’s, but yours has a mind all its own. I would categorize its aroma as upper Northeast fishing community of Rockland with a dash of big city skank. Now that we’re both here and the timing is right. I wanted to tell you it was me who pushed you hard into that box of half eaten donuts. But only then if I’d have known what a colossal Bitch you are, I would have done it nearer to a elephant dung receptacle,” said Pat sarcastically as he fought back laughter and Emma moved her hands out and then put them on her hips.
She wondered if it was worth a million dollars to take all this abuse. She forced a smile while Grega, Den, and Rosemary laughed hard and Rosemary raced over to Emma with a white tissue.
“It’s alright, go ahead and let go of your anger and rage. That’s it, cry your tears of wet,” said Rosemary sarcastically as she looked at Emma with a concerned face.
Emma nearly broke down and cried, as Amo put her arm around Emma’s waist.
“Go ahead and remember, only big girls get to cry that’s what Momma says,” said Amo sarcastically as she pulled back Emma’s hair and gave her a concerned look. Emma started to tremble and then she broke down and cried. And Amo said coyly,” It’s been hard on ya, Emma, hasn’t it? I know we can work through you bein’ such a bastard. And you will just do everything we tell ya too, like hop on one leg,”
said Amo coyly and then Emma started crying and hopping on one leg.
Rosemary looked away because she couldn’t contain her laughter.
“That’s my girl, there you are you bein’ my girl. Isn’t this the greatest moment you’ve ever spent, Emmakins, hmm?” asked Pat sarcastically as he looked at Emma with a blank stare. The crowd cheered as Emma nodded yes and hugged Pat tightly. Pat kept his head back from her.
“That’s right, isn’t it great everybody that Emma has found herself after venereal disease and prison?
I know it was hard on you to be such a basket case from when you were born up to now,” said Amo sarcastically as Emma started grabbing Pat’s butt.
He instantly tried to pull away as Grega and Den laughed loudly. Many in the audience were in tears as a Technicolor curtain was lowered behind everyone on the stage. It had the face of Duth Wired sewn onto it showing him scowling and clenching his fist.
Duth Wired is a radio personality as well as a self proclaimed prophet. He came up out of the Desag movement in Greenwich Village 7 years prior. The Desag movement is the belief that all things do not pass, but essentially are thrown forward to other generations one bit of desperation and violence at a time.
What the Desag’s believe has to be done to avoid this is to wipe the slate clean every 6 months by all parties involved deciding to hold a,” Release day.” This is where for that day no mention of past atrocities or harsh words whatsoever worldwide will be spoken. And in their stead you would have an outpouring of complimentary ideas and large non-threatening parties around the globe. Duth saw it his mission to make this a reality. Each year it has built up momentum with Duth saying in a speech,” We are and we were, always together. Only our refusal to forget our father’s tears and our mother’s slights, prevented us from ever being truly one, and thus truly whole.”
Duth got so wrapped up in his beliefs in the movement that he soon started to believe he was a prophet. He wrote a series of rules to live and die by that included,” If it takes a million smiles unreturned to brighten the skies then I am smiling just now and always. To feel the ache of the past is a joke to me and our kind,” as well as the one,” Try finding a new friend in an old friend, and never without a friend
you shall be.” Duth left a notepad at a rally in Duluth that listed the reasons he felt for racism and it read simply,” Fear of sameness in the different and truly the same is to blame.”
“Ok, Emma, I know you waited long and hard to get to this moment. I had sex with 3 women and a gorilla suit in college. I laughed at a raisin salesman at a convenience store as he split the seat of his pants, not but 3 hours ago. There was a time when I stole condoms from my father just to fill them with grape jelly and hurl them at lightning speed out of my car window in junior high. And, I even hit my gym teacher with one, honest. So let that be a lesson to you all, never drop your head on the downswing with a driver. And don’t raise it at impact or you’ll fucking kill a shit eating goat in Mars Hill. God damn it I’m sexy!” said Pat sarcastically and half jokingly as he glared at Emma who frowned and looked back at him in shock.
Amo tried to hold it together and the crowd booed loudly. Menau grimaced and covered her ears as she was shocked.
“What it takes to get ahead in this world, takes everything you got. Findin’ a place to get awayyy.
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. And the snacks are kinda lame. And your crashing on a plane. While the beer tastes like feetttt!” sang Rosemary as she acted like a gorilla and sniffed Emma. Emma was staring at her in sheer terror and the crowd didn’t know what to think. Then Rosemary asked sarcastically,” Have you heard of chocolate covered shit? It’s very chewy, but lacks in flavor. Ya know I met a man who sang off key and was renowned for his flatulence, any relation?” asked Rosemary sarcastically as she looked sternly at Emma who was still weeping.
Grega and Den were rolling with laughter while a woman in the audience yelled out,” Enough of your potty mouths I’ve got kids here!!”
Rosemary grinned, turned to the audience and shouted,” Suck my fat dick you cunt faced Skank!”
“It’s about togetherness everyone, that’s what she’s tryin’ to say. And I know what you’d like me to say, don’t I, Emma?” asked Pat warmly and sarcastically as he looked at Emma with a frown. She was wiping her tears and nodding yes. Pat said sarcastically,” There’s a great woman I know…with boundless kindness and a true love for everyone she meets. And she’s…mother liberty standing tall and proud as she keeps wretches like Emma safe from her idiocy! Let’s face it, if Emma were steering the ship we’d all fucking crash and die a horrific death, right, Emma?” asked Pat sarcastically in a stern voice as he tightly gripped Emma’s shoulders making her feel uncomfortable as her eyes darted away.
“We all know it, don’t we?” asked Amo sarcastically as she looked out in the audience. People started yelling out,” Yes!” and,” That’s fucking right God bless America!” Amo quickly turned to Pat and Emma.
Pat started clapping.
“Oh my lord, Grega, where does this shit come asunder from?” asked Den honestly as he fought back tears from crying so hard while he was laughing.
“I don’t know, but I get the feeling we shouldn’t have been late getting here, Jesus,” said Grega excitedly and then he laughed as Emma went to hug Pat and he sidestepped her. Grega said firmly,”
That’s right you little bitch. You can’t hug ole Pat until he’s good and ready I says I say,” said Grega in a southern accent as he pretended to be over Den’s slight, but had just decided to look for a moment of weakness and then really stick it to Den.
Den was well aware what Grega was planning and was already thinking of a slight of his own to hurl at him.
“What’s that an Elmer Fud reference? Boy is it Christmas already? Emma, I feel the love in your thighs and it’s a thunderous love. I need you to buck up and listen closely to the next important thing I am
about to utter. Your word is Loveosphinx. Take your time you have 1 minute, now hurry you Bitch!”
yelled Pat as he hurried away from Emma.
Out from behind Emma came a trio of men in stripped blue and green suits singing the song,” In Bloom,” by the grunge band,” Nirvana.” They shot tiny rubber bullets at Emma from purple plastic machine guns.
“What in God’s hell is that? Get the fuck away from me! Stop shooting you ass suckers!” shouted Emma as she ran around the stage and continued getting pelted.
The crowd laughed and the 3 men chased after her as they continued to sing. Then a dozen multi-colored mini-elephant suit wearing women rode out onto the stage in golf carts that looked like Ferraris.
They threw balloons filled with baby powder at Emma.
“You have 30 seconds, Emma My Love. I wouldn’t dally if you want the million,” said Pat calmly and coyly as he made his way over to a stagehand. The stagehand gave him a bottle of Dr. Pepper and a pair of golden sunglasses. This as he thought how funny it was Grega was watching him and Amo have such a great time. He knew it was tearing Grega up inside, but also that he had it comin’ to him. Pat smiled to himself as he watched Grega and Den laughing at Emma. Pat calmly took a drink of his Dr.
Pepper.
“Emma, sure you don’t want to even enter a guess or something?” asked Amo coyly as she watched Emma run past her while she was getting pelted repeatedly in the back of the head. Amo thought just how amazing her life with Pat was becoming. She knew she was right about being in love then and now.
“Somebody call the British embassy I want to go home!” yelled Emma as she got hit by 3 of the balloons. They exploded covering her head in baby powder. Pat waved his hands for them to stop pelting her and raced over to her side.
“Emma, I’m sorry, but you’ve missed your first word,” said Pat coyly as he put his arm around Emma without actually touching her body. Pat gave her a firm nod and started to tear up as she wept. She thought it was odd that he was crying as nothing had happened to him. Pat said sarcastically,” Listen Chuka, I need to know if you know what I need, because I’m a fireball of love. And once I pop the seal you’re lucky to be breathing when its’ over. So I’m askin’ ya man to man, is it time for sweet lovin’ while the stars explode?” asked Pat sarcastically in a stern deep voice as he glared vacantly at Emma. Emma looked back at him with a grimace as she didn’t have any idea what he meant.
“Did I miss the word or no?” asked Emma nervously as she thought maybe he was gonna give her another chance at her first word. Pat realized this and burst out laughing.
“Emma, in some other life I know we were married, but no. That said you get to go first on your second word. But before I utter that word I must be a man who must do some shit kickin’ on my mofo stage. Where my shit?!” shouted Pat as he did a series of karate chops. A second later out ran a little person in a black leather motorcycle suit carrying a silver and yellow paisley design briefcase (his name is Barney Rim).
Barney Rim has seal black short gelled hair that is perfectly quaffed, as well as a soul patch that is perfectly round. His eyes are dark green and very serious looking. He stands 4’1” and weighs 89 pounds of sculpted muscle. He is very handsome and also has on a pair of orange sunglasses with silver lenses.
“If this ain’t the shit, then nothin’ is,” said Barney sternly as he handed Pat the briefcase. Then Barney pointed at him with both index fingers 3 times and then folded his arms and made a brave face.
All this while he thought how sick and great it was to be on stage after all those years of ridicule as a child he’d endured. He’d finally made it and he knew it so he pumped his fist and the crowd cheered.
Pat grinned and started opening the briefcase.
Pat pulled out a sack of diamond jewelry, hundred dollar bills, and gold coins totaling 2 million dollars, as well as a blue and orange rubber pistol. Pat aimed it at Emma and she ducked. He continued to try and aim it at her face as she started to run off. Pat shot her in the back with a 2 inch blueberry juice filled bullet that left a circle of blue on her back.
“Emma, I was just joking. If you’ll just come back here and stand with me, I’ll show you my sack? I mean what’s in my friend’s sack, I mean my sack of riches. C’mon now my favorite Gal walk with me,”
urged Pat coyly as he put his arm around Emma.
She wept openly as she had never been treated so well by anyone in all her life. And as she looked at Pat she knew he’d take care of her.
“Thank you, Pat, I knew you’d do ole Emma right,” said Emma warmly as she rubbed Pat’s stomach.
He looked down at her powder covered face and thought how fetching she looked, but knew it was never gonna happen because he loved Amo. Pat smirked and looked over at Amo as she was smiling at him.
She mouthed the words,” It’s alright our love is forever,” and Pat smiled as he winked at Amo.
“I’d like to take this moment to thank Sully’s tires on the lower east side for the panties and cod piece I’m wearing tonight. And to also say pigeons are people too, so scoop the poop don’t let the pigeons own the roads! And I believe in America, and no American should have to live in Liberia if there’s tent space in Central Park. Put your hands together for condom poaches on spandex pants, because half of Portland got pregnant for wearing those very pants. I’ve got 80 new nieces and nephews to blame for the critical shortage of Trojan ecstasy condoms! Screw the whales, save the whale fishermen they’re always drunk and in dire need of dire needs! It gets lonely out at sea and crew members can’t help those evil urges! Phew am I horny,” said Rosemary sarcastically as she jumped up and down.
The crowd cheered and then booed as Grega, Den, and Amo laughed loudly.
Pat was chuckling to himself as he thought how amazing Rosemary was and also how sexy her speech was. He slapped Emma’s butt and stepped forward.
“There are places that can’t be found by people with maps or even by their own residents. But lurking just below those places are pockets of air and colonies of investment bankers. I have a dream, and that dream keeps me awake when I’m trying to sleep through my life’s worst MOMENTS! Emma, I’m gonna break down and swear in an ancient language so watch it! Blah blueeu goga memplace! Boy I needed to get that off my chest and into your pants. Admit it you’re wet right now aren’t ya?” asked Pat sarcastically as his put microphone next to Emma’s mouth like a penis and she hesitated for a moment.
“I came 10 minutes ago, so that’s a yes. You turn me on I admit it,” said Emma nervously as she smirked at Pat and she wished he’d kiss her already. Then she went in for the kiss and Pat pulled away.
Emma tried to put him in a headlock and he fought her off as Amo raced over to help, but Emma just kissed his cheek and smiled.
“Yeah, good and awkward that’s the way I like it. Nice to get asphyxiated by a beautiful person and confidant like you, Emma. You’re the best of us who are doing hard time. I just had to say it. Now, Emma, I got a bit of world rattling to discuss with your wet pussy,” said Pat sarcastically as he bent down to eye level with Emma’s crotch. Then blew on it and said sarcastically,” Is that the wettest wet spot I’d heard about on this side of the Hudson? Boy it’s bushy like an old man’s beard and twice as burly.”
“Hey, Pat, how long were you gonna stay down there and count her pussy hairs?” asked Amo sternly as she stood there with her arms folded and a smirk on her face as she tapped her right foot. She wasn’t as angry as she was pretending she just wanted to scare Pat.
Pat kept on blowing on Emma’s crotch and shaking his head and whispering to it.
“Is there a hidden chest in there? Are you hiding the Hope diamond in your red hot pussy? I say this and I say it true I love you, awoo woo!” said Pat sarcastically in a little kid’s voice as Amo grabbed hold
of his shoulder and had to pull him back from Emma’s crotch. Emma laughed and thought what a bitch Amo was being. Pat fought to get back to Emma’s crotch and then stood straight up and said sarcastically,” Amo, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop embarrassing me and yourself. Because these people deserve better than your lack of self respect. And God damn it I deserve better! Now I want you to apologize to Emma’s pussy, go ahead,” said Pat sarcastically as he folded his arms and started tapping his foot. This while Amo was smiling from ear to ear and looking at Pat wide eyed.
Amo gave Pat a stiff push to the chest and walked over to Emma and knelt down and said sarcastically in a deep voice,” Your pussy ain’t shit. I ain’t sorry for nothin’! I was raised to respect my elder’s pussy, but not yours you Skank. So, is that a pink thong down there or Barbie underwear?” asked Amo sarcastically as she glared at Emma’s crotch.
Emma felt nervous as she looked away quickly and fumbled with her hands.
“It’s Barbie red and pink. They smell like gumballs,” said Emma nervously as the crowd laughed.
Amo had to laugh as Pat thought how sexy Emma’s naiveté was and how amazing Amo was for playing along.
“And yes there is justice for panties of gum, but none less important than crimes of red bum. Let Emma be the woman the world needs her to be!” yelled Rosemary as she pumped her fists in the air.
Grega and Den laughed as they thought how ridiculous the scene on stage was.
“Jesus, Den, there’s a woman for you. Hell she might even be too smart fer ya,” said Grega coyly and sarcastically as he grinned and shook Den’s shoulder. Grega hoped he had stuck it to him, but wasn’t sure as Den laughed loudly.
“About as smart as Betsy Grea was when you asked her, is there an age limit for Trojans?” said Den slyly as he knew it would bother Grega to bring up the time he went to ask the pharmacist how old you had to be to buy condoms. Grega’s then girlfriend Betsy Grea was one row over from him and heard the
whole thing. Grea punched him in the balls and dumped him on the spot. This caused Grega to lose his first love and never hear the end of it from Den for years, as Den was with him when it happened.
Grega instantly stopped laughing and could only force a smile as Den laughed hysterically and tapped Grega on the shoulder. Grega desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but was a little worried that Den would kick his ass. Grega just stared forward at Emma being hit with rubber swords by Barney, and thought well isn’t that odd.
“So, Emma, the time is finally here…for…a song,” Pat announced and then nodded quickly and sang off key,” If there’s dirt in the drawers, run for the hills of Tripoli! Run away from the smells, of a diet unwell or you’ll be eating shit while you’re waiting for the train. I won’t say that I love you to a woman I paidddd. Instead I be bathing at the Tannersvill bridge!”
The crowd booed loudly and Pat shook his head sideways.
Amo looked at him with a grin as she knew how perfect this night was. Then a dozen robotic blue birds flew out of the rafters and went after Menau and Emma.
“It’s the end of the world! Somebody call the cops!” pleaded Menau as she tried to escape the stage, but there were 50 of Pat’s bodyguards blocking her and Emma’s way. Menau started screaming.
“These bullocks are killing me! Help, help me you son of a Christless bitch!” screamed Emma as she ran and jumped up into a bodyguard’s arms. He wouldn’t let go of her so she punched him in the jaw. He laughed because she was so weak and Emma shouted,” I’ll kill your whole family! I’ll pummel you to near death, then crack your skull open! Let me go you fucker!”
“The Malay and malady ensues. Isn’t this the real stuff, Grega?” asked Den smoothly as he watched Emma squirm with glee.
Grega was still pissed and refused to acknowledge that Den had said anything at all. Grega thought how much he hated Den right then and wanted to reach back and punch him in the jaw.
Den saw how angry he was and got a mischievous smile on his face as he knew his insult from earlier was still reaping benefits. Then Den turned away because he felt an uncomfortable urge to laugh but didn’t want Grega to see him laughing.
“It sure is a Malay I reckon. Maybe the worst malady I’ll ever see. I bet such a thing don’t happen in Texas, but it should and I know it’d help the cattle,” said Grega jokingly as he laughed to himself and used a southern accent. He was trying to make Den feel stupid and embarrassed because he didn’t think Den really knew what the words Malay and malady really meant, but Den laughed even harder because he just wanted to release the tension that had been building and this pissed Grega off even more.
“Sisterhood of the what, traveling morons?” asked Pat sarcastically as he fussed with his hair. “Is that really your favorite movie, Emma? I would have thought Hamlet or the Godfather. Well we live and I get smarter ‘cause I read the labels on paint. I don’t want to cast aspersions on your home world of England, but boy is the food bloody, and I do mean pudding,” said Pat sarcastically as he smiled at Emma who wasn’t sure if she should be insulted or laugh.
Emma smiled while Pat let a nasty 9 alarm fart that made everyone cringe. He started laughing while he patted his own butt as he knew that everyone on stage would have to smell it and this made him laugh even harder.
“Yeah, Colon Ripper, let’s all think about why we aren’t cool when we fill the air with ass. Boy the times we’re not having and the crudeness I share. Alright, Emma, she who smelt it dealt it. Go ahead and apologize already for your one word ass speech,” said Amo sarcastically and sternly as she glared at Emma.
Emma looked around nervously and then pointed to herself like Amo couldn’t be serious.
“I didn’t, I wasn’t, I mean I did not do it. That’s against my religion,” said Emma nervously as she lifted her chin and nodded. The crowd laughed while Pat hurried over to Emma and grabbed her right hand and lifted it high.
“That’s right! I worship a plastic Rambo doll in the Philippines as well. And we are also against bathing and fuckin’ swearin’ for no reason and suntan lotion and cat purrs. Oh don’t get me started on shaving, don’t. And one other thing… pole dancing with your clothes on and Reeses Pieces smugglers who get caught,” Pat spoke like he was giving the I Have A Dream Speech. “Oh don’t get me started on weirdos and less weirds and more weirds really weird me out. And using cat hair as a substitute for toupees and lastly why on Earth aren’t we all making love instead of football field’s worth of hate. I want a new world where the old world used to be that occupies the same place, but with only nice people and sprinkles. Let me hear ya, Chuka!” yelled Pat sarcastically as he shook his chest and made a goofy face.
Someone in the audience yelled out,” Try Brooklyn or my uncles backyard ya idiot!”
Pat stepped to the front of the stage and shouted,” Is that the same backyard where they buried grandma’s casserole!? Cause I been there and I ate that very casserole not but two days ago! Too much cheese, not enough onion woo!” shouted Pat sarcastically then he pretended to kick the audience and did a ridiculous dance. After all this time he felt invigorated and happy that they were trying to stick it to him.
“Is it time, Pat, for a word or whatsahoosit?” asked Amo jokingly as she rubbed Pat’s stomach. He turned to her and saw in her eyes she wanted to hear the new word.
“I’ve been waiting to ask it for 20 minutes. It’s about time you came around,” said Pat sarcastically in a stern voice. He turned suddenly and stormed over to Emma and Menau who were being held at center stage by Pat’s bodyguards. Pat kissed Emma on the lips and said sternly,” Words come and go, but never one this great…taintlove, once again taintlove. You’ve got one minute before you’re dead and killed you Bitch!” shouted Pat sarcastically as he jumped up and down and stuck out his tongue at Emma.
Emma looked away quickly and swallowed hard.
“Oh…c’mon, Emma, don’t blow this now. You need to get this or you’re nothin’ and nobody,” said Emma nervously as she racked her brain. And then in a flash it hit her and she said quickly,” Taintlove T, A, I, N,T, L, O, V, E for the Queen’s sake is it right?!”
Pat pretended not to hear her as he paced back and forth with a hint of a smile on his face. Emma watched him exhale hard and her heart skipped a beat and she swallowed hard.
Pat started nodding his head no and her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. Then Pat walked right up to her and shouted,” You better believe it is right, you Ragamuffin!”
Emma let out a blood curdling scream and leapt up in the air and when she landed sprained her ankle and shouted,” Son of a bitch! Oh motherfucker that hurt!”
“Yes, Emma, it does hurt to be a champion. And now as you lick your wounds I turn to you, Menau,” said Pat calmly as he breezed over to Menau with his hands in his pockets. All this while he rocked side to side and Menau looked at him in terror. She knew he might do something mean to her and she wished for Booby just then.
Amo hurried over to Menau too and started dancing around her like a gypsy.
“Are you ready for some football!? Are you ready for a party, Menau?” asked Amo loudly and coyly as she put her mouth close to Menau’s face.
Menau looked at her in shock while the lights on the stage turned purple. Then a hologram of Pesidu Gai appeared. It started running towards Menau and Amo causing her to scream with Pesidu having dark green hair and fearsome golden eyes, as well as being 8’9” inches tall and 996 pounds of sheer terror inspiring muscle.
Pesidu Gai was a premature baby born in Minsk that doctors said would be undersized in life, but as it were, he developed a tumor on his thyroid in his 11th year. Then he grew to his full height in only over a year. He was so feared by his classmates that he had to be tutored at home due in large part to the fact many of the other children’s parents complained that he was distracting their kids. Pesidu’s father taught him everything a boy would want to know, but found he had a real aptitude for physics and mathematics.
They decided to focus more attention on those subjects. Within 3 years Pesidu was writing equations for how to get girls, as well as how to know when certain emotions were about to happen. That had the equation of L= love minus M=memories divided by time spent without food being X, with the equation L-M/X= Y, with Y equaling a positive emotion. He also theorized that a year spent without work added 10 years of joy to your life no matter how long you lived as well as giving you a youthful appearance for every year spent after.
“Momma, I don’t want ah play. They can keep the money, please let me go home,” pleaded Menau as she ran around the stage.
Pat steered the hologram of Pesidu with a remote in his hand as he fought back laughter and took a deep sigh of satisfaction.
“Menau, would you reel it in already you Tramp!” yelled Pat causing Menau to stop in her tracks and grimace. She walked back over to Pat timidly as she tugged at her clothes and Pat glared at her sternly.
“Please don’t scare me anymore, Pat, I can’t take it or I’ll wet myself, please,” pleaded Menau as she shook her head no and grimaced. Menau thought of Bobby and how he’d help her escape if he were there.
Pat looked at Menau sternly and started softly poking her shoulder. Menau looked at him curiously and hoped he wouldn’t hurt her.
“Menau, Menau now now, aren’t we a pair? With me being the smart one and me being the handsome one. And me being the bestest, while you are the sweatiest hmm ha, ha, ha,,” said Pat
sarcastically in a stern voice as Menau quickly wiped the sweat from her forehead. Pat laughed loudly and then said sarcastically in a deep voice,” Where’s my chicken sandwich when I need dinner? I want it now before I say another word to anyone!” yelled Pat sarcastically and then up through the floor in the stage shot a large round mahogany table with a golden tablecloth as well as a flower filled silver centerpiece and a dozen mini Sasquatch robots sitting at each of the 7 dark blue place settings. There was a glowing devil shaped head in the center of the table, as well as 7 large brown leather recliners set around the table and the song,” Yesterday,” by The Beatles played softly.
The crowd perked up as they saw the table and started trying to get closer to the stage, but Pat’s bodyguards kept them at bay. Pat grabbed Emma and Menau’s hands and walked them calmly over to the table. This while Amo and Rosemary headed down into the audience to get Grega and Den and enjoy the fun.
“Everyone take a seat, and then soon we’ll have some food to eat. But if that food is tall and hairy, then run away its Uncle Larry,” said Pat playfully and sarcastically as everyone sat down with Menau and Emma on either side of Pat. Amo looked at Pat and grinned and Pat nodded and pressed a button under the table. This caused the devil in the center of the table to light up and shout,” I put souls in holes so start diggin’ my Sweets! When I said dig, I meant now!”
Everyone was startled except for Pat who laughed and held on tight to Menau and Emma’s trembling hands as they tried to run away.
Barney brought over Pat’s sack of valuables and handed it to him.
“I’d keep your eye on that, Pat, not everyone is a friend,” said Barney anxiously as he shook his head and wished the sack was his. Instantly a chair for Barney was brought over and he sat down next to Menau.
“Why, I wouldn’t worry about it, Barney, there’s lots to go around,” said Pat slyly and then up came a trio of beautiful red haired women. They were wearing white spandex cat suits and carrying 3 large golden trays filled with food. The women are identical twin sisters and have exactly the same length hair and green eyes.
“Pat, what in the hell is this?” asked Amo sharply as she pouted.
This caused Pat to laugh and make no eye contact with the 3 beautiful women. They set down all 3
golden trays of food that included beef ravioli in Alfredo sauce, Crab Rangoon, lobster rolls, as well as a trio of apple, blueberry, and rhubarb pies sitting in pie plates. The pies were made to look like Pat and Amo respectively with smiles on their face.
“Nice, I was dying for something to eat. I hope this food is for us, Pat P,” said Grega slyly implying a question. Grega secretly called Pat, Pat P with the P standing for Pummel as he wanted to punch him in the mouth but didn’t think Pat thought it was anything more than an innocent nickname. This while Pat knew it meant something bad and that it was Grega’s way of insulting him.
“Menau, Emma, other people with secret nicknames for me. We’ve come to a place in time where great things are about to happen to us all. Firstly, people in the audience each of you will receive a cash sum of 10,000 dollars when you leave. And that’s real cushy drug money and hooker’s cash. Menau, Emma, because both of you are bastards and evil at heart, but with a pathetic nature I feel we’re all winners at this table so each of you will get a million dollars in cash, jewelry, and gold coins to start your new-and hopefully less annoying-lives out there in the world,” said Pat slyly as Emma and Menau waited for the punchline as well as the audience.
Pat opened the sack and started handing Menau and Emma their winnings.
“Are you fucking serious?! I’m gonna buy a car for me and my Mumsy! And we’re gonna drive it!”
shouted Emma as she grabbed the jewelry and started putting it on as the crowd cheered.
Menau held up one of her stacks of hundreds and looked at it wide eyed. She thought of Bobby and the bike she was gonna buy for him. She also thought how happy they would be together on the playground walking hand and hand with smiles on their faces.
“Bobby, we’re goin’ riding next Sunday. Woowe, wooee, woo, woo, wee,” said Menau in shock as the whole room cheered.
Amo smiled at Pat and he calmly ate his ravioli. This while Grega sat milling over what Pat had said about the secret insult. He couldn’t see how he could possibly know and he had to find out at some point.
“So which is it, Pat, the good life or the great life? Because as I sees it, you are now the owner of the greatest prank of all time,” asked Den slyly as he grabbed a lobster roll and started devouring it as Pat sat silently and said nothing.
“What you call prank, I call severance for a string of good luck. Let us remember the lessons of the imbecile written page after page on the sands of time,” said Pat slyly as he smiled and continued to eat.
Amo smirked and thought how perfect this moment was.