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When people looking for help tell me their story, most of the time they are in a situation where they can feel their lives getting increasingly negative more and more often. When we have your normal everyday problems, we usually resolve them or ignore them and then carry on with our lives, but when we feel that our problems are continuing to get worst, our minds tell us to seek help because something is not right. This sounds obvious right? Well you should become aware of this going forward, because I want to explain what causes this and hopefully you won’t need help if this happens to you because it can be fixed by yourself.
I call this the spiral. Where you can feel your life spiraling out of control. The magnitude of the spiral is what determines your pain. Have you or a friend ever have negative results again and again? Have you seen a person that says, “no matter who I date, they always turn out to be jerks” or “no matter what job I get, it always stresses me out and makes me unhappy. ” “No matter what I do, things won’t change. ” This is usually followed by, “Why me? ” or “I have to do something!”
This is the cycle when it spirals out of control. This is because their thinking, their belief, is driving the entire cycle to produce increasingly bad results over and over, which then lowers their belief in their potential, causing them to take worst action and get worst results.
They attract bad relationships (result), so they think they can’t get anyone better (belief), so they limit their (potential), which causes them to do the same (actions) as before, which causes them to pick up more bad relationships (result). They do this cycle over and over until it becomes so bad that they give up. When they give up, they take no action, which yields no results, which means they can’t get any relationships.
What if they somehow changed their beliefs? What if we helped them realize that they have the potential to fall in love with the most amazing person in their life, their soulmate? What if they became confident enough to realize their potential? When they realize what they are capable of, they will be excited and motivated to take action. When they display that confidence and put forth the effort, they will get results. When they realize that they can meet decent partners, they will increase their belief or confidence in their potential and the spiral gets better and better until they find the right one the fulfills their needs and desires.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”
- Tony Robbins
If you are finding yourself or a friend in the downward spiral (a rut), the only way out is to change your way of thinking, believe in yourself, believe in your potential, be certain of that potential and then take action. We do that using those little subcomponents I mentioned earlier, like thinking positive and taking responsibility.
Subcomponent - Positive Thinking
This is one of those important subcomponents of belief; or rather it fits in between belief and potential. Positive thinking yields positive beliefs and allows you to tap into your full potential. An example of this is positive affirmations. If you tell yourself something enough times, you will start to believe it, or at least set that as a focus point. If you constantly keep your mind in a positive, optimistic state, then your beliefs will tend to follow.
Here’s an example: Instead of thinking about why you can’t lose weight or how you have so much debt, imagine yourself after having already lost the weight or imagine yourself debt free. Like I said before, we already know our potential is huge and it doesn’t change, so thinking positive will only help you realize your full potential. Don’t just think about it, believe it. Fuel that belief and get the cycle started.
Maintaining positive thinking is not always easy. There are outside influences that will try to bring you down. People, news, events-all can negatively impact your mood and change your way of thinking. Well we know you can’t control other people (typically), you can’t control the news, and you can’t control most of the unfortunate events that happen around you. What you do have is control over yourself. You can make the decisions on how you deal with these negative influences.
Here are some important tips that I use to maintain positive thinking:
- Remove negative people from your life.
- Turn off the news or find another source.
- Learn how to deal with negative events.
Remove negative people? Wow, that’s a pretty drastic suggestion.
Yes, removing or limited your exposure to people is one of the hardest but most important things you can do. It’s not easy, especially if that person is your family, but you have to consider your relationship with them and how important it is to be around them compared to the importance of your own happiness and goals.
I’m not saying just cut off all ties with everyone that says negative things. But there are toxic people that are only going to keep bringing you down and breaking your cycle. So it’s your responsibility to find a way to deal with that, because you can’t change them.
Here’s an example: I used to have a couple of very toxic friends in my teenage years. These were the guys that would make your parents say, “They are bad influences, you shouldn’t hang out with them. ” I was friends with them because we both had similar interests and lived close to each other, but these guys had some very negative traits about them. They would use drugs, get into trouble, and overall had a pretty dangerous and negative life. Their lives were in negative spirals and being around them negatively impacted my life, my confidence, and my mindset. I started to mimic some of their toxic behaviors.
Much to my good fortune, we moved away from the area and I never saw them again. By not being around negative people, I was able to turn my life around and create a much more positive environment for myself. It was hard at the time to leave my friends, but I look back and I am grateful that I never saw them again. I can imagine that if I kept hanging around that type of environment, I would have ended up in some bad situations or gotten myself into a lot of trouble.
If you have toxic people in your life, consider whether you would be better off without them. This is very hard for family, but sometimes you have to make that choice as to whether you want to continue seeing them or if you need to make an important change. However, there’s a third option: Help them. Explain to them that you need only positivity in your life and you can’t afford to have any negative influences. Encourage them to join you on this path. Give them an ultimatum: Either they respect your path of positivity and can even join you in your journey or you can’t be around them. This comes off harsh, but think about it. Think about your health, your future, and your relationships. All of that is at stake.
All of these decisions and beliefs are entirely controlled by you. You are the only one with the power to change everything and take action. Always remember that making a decision is better than no decision. This is where responsibility comes in.
Subcomponent - Responsibility
The first step towards success is taking responsibility. Where you are today and where you end up is a product of your choices in life. This is more than just something baby boomers like to say to new generations; there is a lot of truth to it and it’s a very positive and healthy concept to understand. To put it simply: You need to stop blaming other people and things for your problems and successes.
I’m not referring to certain circumstances out of your control. Some people have very unfortunate obstacles in life such as physical or mental illness or have lost everything in a disaster; I’m excluding those. What I am talking about are the thousands of daily decisions that you make, consciously and subconsciously, that define who and what you are today. Those decisions will also define who and what you are tomorrow.
With that said, it is important to keep in mind that your past does not decide your future, unless you continue to live there. Whatever happened before can be forgotten1 and your future can be entirely different, or it can be the same if you choose not to make any changes. This is a decision that you will need to make.
“Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
The car you drive, the job you have, and the place you live are all a result of decisions you have made. If you hate your job for example, you can only blame the decisions that have lead you to obtaining that job and staying there. You may think you’re unable to leave the job, but you are not. If you think you can’t leave your job for whatever the excuse may be, then that is exactly why I wrote this book-to change that way of thinking and to change that mindset.
Even if something out of your control happens, it is your choice as to how you deal with it. It is also your choice to accept things the way they are or take action to change them.
“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.” - Henry Ward Beecher
Bad things will happen, no matter how positive you are or how driven and successful you are. There will come times where you will have to make a decision to accept it or change it. By realizing that you have the ability to change the situation and can take action, you are responding to it, you are being responsible.
If you invest your life savings into a company’s stock and that stock tanks, whose fault is that? The irresponsible person will blame the company or the economy because that’s easy and doesn’t require action, but the responsible person will accept the fact that they made a bad investment and will change their investment strategies for the future. By taking responsibility and deciding to accept or change, you are taking an action.
The irresponsible person that blames others for misfortune is not going to take action, and their cycle will break. Remember, if you don’t like the results, change the belief, consider your potential, take action, and get better results.
Let’s not forget another major part of taking responsibility. What about the good things that have happened to you? Did you get that promotion because the other candidates failed their interview or did you get it because you showed exceptional skills and charisma? Did you find the love of your life because there’s nobody better or did you find them because you are attractive and impressive? Sometimes you have to take credit for the good things that have happened.
Think back at your choices and think how different your life would be if you had chosen a different path.
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1 Of course there are certain exceptions, like PTSD