The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect
that fact.
12. Avoid letting the impossible person make you into a
"clone" of them. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself
adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you
aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by
understanding that this is just the way the other person is.
These things define the impossible person's actions, and
nothing you do can change any part of their past.
13. Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is
to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less
damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence
(it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the
other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible
person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't
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(and even if they could, they wouldn't). You can't convince
them that they have any responsibility for the problems
between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't
try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they
don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this
mindset without casting blame and without giving in to
anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from
time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better
manager.
14. Realize that impossible people engage in projection.
Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all)
of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a
look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you.
Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's
flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything!
They will have an endless supply of arguments to support
this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they
will be more than happy to tell you why you are the
impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the
mistaken impression that it is them.
15. Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an
example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some
kindness (as difficult as that may be). We are all influenced
by the people in our environment--they don't have to be
perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because
you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly-
their problem. Give understanding, and you get
understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably
the only thing that might get through to them. They may not
change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
16. Don't try to fight back and spit anger back to them.
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Photo: Stock Photo
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or
difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with
the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was
the result? What can you do in the future to get through these
situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative,
people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people
who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there
and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but
it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive
us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back
to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher
selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect
ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are
the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability
to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative
comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I
could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me
to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some
time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself
and attack back.
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I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or
negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone
is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to
negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally
creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection
of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to
be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we
take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and
conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own
lives that they want to take others down with them.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest
response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be
resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed
our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really
satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul?
Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent
thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from
a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It
becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is
Right?
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4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who
is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional
reactive response from that person. If we do respond
impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of
ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to
defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the
angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to
expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time,
energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent
on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it
starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a
negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel
very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day.
When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may
react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives,
unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to
express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative
and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be
perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-
versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing
themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled
to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and
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we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We
can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is
something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m
caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the
result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and
egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting
emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our
health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a
situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Photo by Kara Pecknold
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative
message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He
would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we
are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say
hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or
person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“
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2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending
myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us
the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is
inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the
emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off.
Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to
respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right? “
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side
we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of
being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask
“Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or
difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you.
When we react, we are actually giving them what they want.
Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short
on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find
that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the
story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the
situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments
is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing
we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person,
the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll
notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy,
stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to
not repeat the story to others.
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6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become
blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position
and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This
understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming
rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the
other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons
that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of
how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden
gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply
unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that
they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have
a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I
recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as
possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being
surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire:
optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy
Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our
thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the
emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting
them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment.
When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts,
bring your focus on your breathe.
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10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help
to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a
tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
1. “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result
from it?“
2. “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from
it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the
situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of
reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space
disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads
that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves,
for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely
arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait
until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask
yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things
that matter most to me?“
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off
guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment
the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve
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learned something new through interacting with them, and
maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You
might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate
about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and
negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing.
Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll
the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the
negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball
in the trash. Let it go!
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/dealing-with-difficult-
people/
About the Author:
Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple
products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer)
for our motivational community: Think Simple
Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and
empowering people to lead conscious and
happy lives.
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The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who
are in your life, for better or for worse:
1.
Keep Conversations Neutral Avoid discussing divisive and
personal issues, like religion and politics, or other issues
that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to
engage you in a discussion that will probably become an
argument, change the subject or leave the room.
2.
Accept The Reality of Who They Are In dealing with
difficult people, don’t try to change the other person; you
will only get into a power struggle, cause defensiveness,
invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also
makes you a more difficult person to deal with.
3.
Know What's Under Your Control Change your response to
the other person; this is all you have the power to change.
For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior.
You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries
when the other person chooses to treat you in an
unacceptable way.
4.
Create Healthier Patterns Remember that most
relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two
people rather than one person being unilaterally "bad."
Chances are good that you're repeating the same patterns of
interaction over and over; changing your response could get
you out of this rut, and responding in a healthy way can
improve your chances of a healthier pattern forming. Here’s
a list of things to avoid in dealing with conflict. Do you do
any of them? Also, here are some healthy communication
skills to remember.
5.
See The Best In People Try to look for the positive aspects
of others, especially when dealing with family, and focus on
them. (Developing your optimism and reframin skills can
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help here!) The other person will feel more appreciated, and
you will likely enjoy your time together more.
6.
Remember Who You're Dealing With Seeing the best in
someone is important; however, don’t pretend the other
person’s negative traits don’t exist. Don’t tell your secrets to
a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection from someone
who isn’t able to give it. This is part of accepting them for
who they are.
7.
Get Support Where You Can Find It Get your needs met
from others who are able to meet your needs. Tell your
secrets to a trustworthy friend who's a good listener, or
process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely
on people who have proven themselves to be trustworthy
and supportive, or find a good therapist if you need one.
This will help you and the other person by taking pressure
off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.
8.
Let Go Or Get Space If You Need It Know when it’s time to
distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be
around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact
may be key. If they’re continually abusive, it's best to cut ties
and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if
there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the
offending party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider
switching jobs.)
Tips:
1. Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the
negative interactions. It may just be a case of your two
personalities fitting poorly.
2. Remember that you don't have to be close with everyone;
just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and
appropriately dealing with difficult people.
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3. Work to maintain a sense of humor -- difficulties will roll off
your back much more easily. Shows like "Modern Family and
books like David Sedaris' Naked can help you see the humor
in dealing with difficult people.
4. Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your
life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people.
Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
Stress Management Guide
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Dealing with Difficult People
November 20th, 2004 by Steve Pavlina
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2004/11/dealing-with-
difficult-people/
How do you deal with difficult, irrational, or abusive people,
especially those in positions of authority who have some degree
of control over your life?
I’ve never met a totally rational human being. Our ability to store
and process information is far too imperfect for that. But our
emotions are a shortcut. The book Emotional Intelligence by
Daniel Goleman describes people diagnosed with alexathemia,
the condition whereby people either don’t feel emotions or are
completely out of touch with their emotions. You’d think such
people would be hyper-rational, but they aren’t. They can’t even
function in society. They have no emotional context for deciding
what’s important to them, so earning a dime is just as important
as earning a million dollars. They’ll spend hours on tasks others
would consider trivialities, like deciding what time to schedule a
dentist appointment. Our emotions are a logical shortcut — we
“feel” the difference between the relevant and the irrelevant.
On to dealing with difficult or irrational people…
I certainly haven’t been sheltered from such people, even though
I’ve only been an “employee” for a total of six months of my life
when I was in college. They’re everywhere! I’ve still had to deal
with irrational/abusive people in business deals, landlords, etc.
But such people rarely get to me because of how I deal with them
on two levels:
1) There was a story about the Buddha where a verbally abusive
man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the
Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha
why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha
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replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it,
to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive,
etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person
keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you. This
takes practice, but there are many mental imagery techniques
that can help. I usually visualize the anger as a red energy that