was having some marital problems. He was also extremely anxious because his
job was not going well. Because of these two things going on in his
life,
he had become very depressed and reached out to me and asked me for help
because of all I had gone through in my life. I listened to him and just let
him fill me in on everything that was going on in his life. I told
him that
I really believed that it was time for him to talk with a therapist and also
come to terms with his marriage by talking with his wife.
I told him that sometimes people have their pride and that they will
not
always reach out for help, but that I thought he needed to do so. He did
start to see a therapist and also went for a doctor’s appointment, and I was
glad that I could support him. I learned on that day that sometimes
the
best support group or person can be your own friends.
The doctor substantiated my advice and put him on Zoloft for depression and
anxiety, and also gave him another medication for his
depression. For him
to have been put on two medications, the doctor must have felt he was really
depressed and needed help.
My buddy said that after two weeks of taking the medications he really felt
that the edge was taken off and that he was feeling better. He was
also
able to use his medical insurance at his job, and started seeing a therapist
two times a week. Two months later his marriage and career are
seemingly
back on track, and he is feeling really good inside.
If you live in an area where support groups for OCD are nowhere to be found,
friends can be a life saver. If you have friends who love you and
care
about your well-being, they are great to get together with to talk and to
get advice. People suffering with depression or with OCD, a lot of the time,
will reach out for help because they are scared to death with their bizarre
thoughts and insecurities with their lives. We all, hopefully, have
friends who would drop what they were doing to help a friend in
need. I
have friends who, after I opened up to them, I opened up to, became even
closer because I was mature enough to say I was hurting, and they have
helped me greatly. So if you have one or some of these people in your life,
reach out to them and you may be surprised what they can do for you.
I’ve discovered a website called Anxiety Disorders Association of
America/www.adaa.org. This is a nonprofit group out of Silver Spring,
Maryland and they have phone numbers that you can call if you are looking to
talk with counselors about your problems. They can help you find a therapist
in your region of the country who can help you.
The most impressive thing that I saw on their website was that they have a
database of all the states in the United States. This database lists all the
support groups in your area. It clearly list the different groups and their
locations and phone numbers and what the support group specializes in for
their meetings. There are some for OCD and some for panic disorders
and
some for different kinds of phobias. These kinds of groups would
enable you
to talk with people who are just like you, and the groups could change your
life forever. The site also has listings for annual conferences that you can
attend to talk with professionals and listen to speakers to learn about your
condition.
In addition, the site lists the different disorders and what they are and,
it can help you to self diagnose yourself or to help someone else, perhaps a
friend or family member who may be suffering. The site also lists
the
different modes of treatment, such as behavior therapy, medications, and
relaxation techniques that you can learn about.
Relaxation techniques were a big part of my recovery from OCD. I
remember
that when I would go to some of my therapy sessions, my psychologist would
have me close my eyes and really relax. He would have me clench my
hands
and stay completely stay still from my feet and then work my way up to my
head not moving any part of my body. I would focus on not moving for as long
as I could and I would envision myself lying on a beach and listening to the
waves crashing onto the sand. This would help me to relax more than
you
could ever imagine, and it has been helpful in times of heightened anxiety.
I myself have not attended any of the conferences that the ADAA has had but
perhaps in the future I will. It would feel great to meet and talk
with
others who suffered with OCD and a great way to give myself a gift of
self-care.
Another great and well known group is the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
(
www.ocfoundation.org). This
group was mentioned in countless books that I
read by because of its continued dedication to helping people with
OCD.
They too, have special events and workshops in different states for those
seeking help with OCD.
Being very honest, I found this site to be so helpful in understanding my
OCD and finding ways in which I could get help. This foundation
clearly
defines OCD and ways you can heal. The President of the OCF
(Obsessive
Compulsive Foundation) seems to genuinely be interested in helping others,
because of having a son with OCD.
Please take some time to check out both of these groups by visiting their
excellent websites. Both of these sites will help you with finding
the
therapists you can talk with and workshops you can attend. Both of
these
sites have been exceptional resources for me, and I know that they can be
for you as well.
Chapter 16
Sex and Intimacy
“Great sex is great, but bad sex is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich”
Billy Idol
“Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation, the other 8 are unimportant”
Henry Miller
Research done at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York has showed some
substantial evidence, that supported the belief that individuals in
committed relationships were some of the happiest people. The
researchers
also found that even those individuals in only casual relationships reported
being happier than those not in a romantic relationships.
Continued research is showing that intimate and relationships with sound
sexual relations allow people to lead a healthier life. All of us
have been
in loving relationships in marriage and/or with a girlfriend or boyfriend,
and some of them were the happiest days of our lives. I think love can be an
integral part of helping people with depression move pas their OCD and
depression.
According to an article from a magazine called Body & More in 2006,
relationships that are strained can lead to things like back pain (and I am
not talking about the pain in the rear brought on by a loved one), minor
irritable bowel syndrome and heart disease and a slow recovery from surgery.
The article also talked about the fact that dermatologists will tell people
to get skin cancer screenings more frequently if they do not have a loved
one in their lives because spouses and loved ones notice skin changes more
than people do on themselves. This is particularly true of the back,
because you cannot see changes there. A healthy relationship is, in
my
opinion, the core to recovering from depression because if you do not have
that, you will be in this battle alone.
Duke University conducted another important study, and the results of this
one emphasized something that we all need to think about. The study found
that 50 percent of single people with heart disease passed away within five
years of the evaluation that they had with the doctors at Duke. But,
only
18 percent of the people who were in a relationship and surrounded by great
friends and a spouse passed away during that same time period. I
think that
this says a lot about the need to find the right person in our lives,
someone who can lift us up and enable us to enjoy life.
I am not a psychologist, but I can say that if you are in an abusive
relationship or one that completely lacks love, you should get out as fast
as you can, because your mental well-being is the most important thing that
you have.
Another great researcher, Steven E.
Hodes, a
New York city
gastroenterologist, substantiates the importance of being in a stable and
enriching marriage or relationship. He states that “There is a
correlation
between bad relationships and gastrointestinal symptoms for people with
emotional distress, unhappiness, lack of love interest or conflict within
personal relationships.”
Once again, keep in mind that these are our bodies and they are a gift of
God. We need to uphold our physical and mental states, over anything we own
or prize. Even if you are not in a serious relationship at this
time,
surrounding yourself with solid girlfriends or buddies can be so healthy for
you When you are healthy mentally and physically, let’s admit it,
you want
to look good and feel good and you want to exercise more and enjoy
life. We
all have had the good times and the bad times, and that is a part of
life.
But make sure you find the upward slope most of the time on this roller
coaster called life.
A study at the University of Virginia, in Charlottesville, found what is
most important to married women. This is so important for us men to
remember so that we can continue to be in good relationships. Even
more
than sexual intercourse, what is most important to women is how affectionate
and understanding husbands or boyfriends are, and that they want to spend
quality time with their women.
This finding is supported by one of my favorite writers, Willard
Halvey Jr.,
the author of “His Needs, Her Needs”. This book is one I have
suggested to
so many friends and couples because it helps you understand what is
important to a man and what is important to every woman.
Halvey comments
that “A typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any
more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for
affection.” Since my recovery from OCD, this is something that both
my wife
and I have come to terms with, and now we are so much more happy in our
lives. You can come to the same understanding.
I have learned so much about love and women over the last ten years of
marriage. In my life, I also had some girlfriends who taught me what
being
a man is all about. Relationships, whether with a spouse or
significant
other, can enrich everyone’s soul and we all need them.
We have all been in that relationship that allows us to be so happy that you
feel like your heart is going to explode. Is there any better
feeling? If
you are in a great sexual relationship, is there a better feeling then the
feel of the person’s soft skin and their shallow breathe on your
face? A
casual walk, shopping, or being at a Broadway show or on vacation can bring
so much happiness to you. Whether you are a homosexual or a
heterosexual,
we are need to be loved and to give love. There is no better
serotonin
raiser out there than this.
Sometimes, during depression or difficult times, we may have pushed people
away, but we have to let loved ones know that we will be
back. Sometimes,
we just need a break for a while.
When this happens, assure your loved ones that fun will evolve again and
that also sex will come back. When you’re depressed your sexual
drive may
be compromised, so let your partner know that you still love her or
him.
Antidepressant medication can also hurt your sex drive and performance.
The support and love you will get from loved ones will be crucial to your
making a full recovery. Antidepressants can curb your sexual desires
a lot
and if they do, check in with a doctor because he may be able to change your
prescription. And in times of severe depression, you may need some
space to
find your life, so loved ones need to give you that space that you need.
I cannot express enough the importance of surrounding ourselves with a
significant other or with your own children, who will take you for who you
are. I can truly tell you that I would not be where I am today
without the
love of my own family, wife, and my children. They have been the
rock that
has allowed me to walk away from OCD and feel so good inside. I want
this
so much for you readers, because I have been where you are now, and want to
make sure that I can touch as many people as I can.
No more do you need to have obsessive thoughts that will distract you from
living a normal and productive life.
Chapter 17
Positive and Unending Energy
“The trick is to make sure you don’t die waiting for prosperity to come.”
Lee
Iacooca
Early in this book, I mentioned a great moment that happened to me in my
life. That moment occurred when I read a book by Jon Gordon called
“The
Energy Addict”. I was coming home from a business trip in North
Carolina
and the title of the book caught my attention. It is a book that has truly
changed my life for the better. If you have the makeup and the
desire to
change your life now, not later, and to become more healthy, you need to add
this book to your library. You can walk this earth and carry a
positive or
negative energy force field around you, and this is the message of the book.
The choice is totally up to you. Since I read this book,
strong and
powerful energy has really led to even more of a positive life for me.
About two years ago, I flew to Jacksonville, Florida to spend a couple of
days with Jon and his family. I was curious, as anyone would be, to
see if
this hot new author stood by his word and if he was genuine. I took
off
from Philadelphia Airport, and said to myself that if he was genuine, then I
would make a change to my life right away, as soon as I got home. It
was a
soul-searching adventure that I wanted to take in my life
I met my match, in that he had as much of an A-Type personality and was
definitely as much of a high energy guy as I. To my surprise, I
would later
learn that he is a spiritual man, because he had prayed to God one day and
asked for a better life, and God gave it to him.
Jon had lived his life in Atlanta, GA, working for a successful computer
software company, and just plain hated it. He was driving his own
wife
crazy because he had a negative attitude, and he was later let go by the
company. He knew that deep in his soul, he needed a change in his
life.
So, he moved to Ponte
Vedre, Florida, bought three
Moe’s Southwest Grille
restaurants, and became a National Energy Coach and author. Once in
a while
you will see him on The Today Show, with Matt Lauer, directing
people on
how to live more energized and productive lives. He continues to
cross the
country, doing seminars and talking to many Fortune 500
companies. He has
spoken to the Super Bowl Committee, PGA Tour, and the management of the
Jacksonville Jaguars and companies such as GE and
Cingular
Wireless. If
this energy person is not a success story than what is. I am glad
that to
this day I can call him a friend.
Jon has mentioned countless times that if you constantly think positive
thoughts, there is no room in the brain for negative thoughts. Since
I’ve
been on
Paxil, and have changed my thought patterns,
there are days I
literally feel that I can do anything that I put my mind to.
I guess that because my medicine is packed with chemicals to raise
serotonin, the creativity and the energy will flourish, if I am positive in
my life. No person is going to be positive 100% of the time, but
imagine if
you could do it 90% of the time. You could get that job you have
always
wanted, fall in love, buy a new home or boat, volunteer somewhere, or be a
better employee. When you thrive on positive thoughts, you stay away
from
negativism and make the most out of life. I have done this the last
couple
of years of my life and it does work.
“We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control what we think
about,” say Gordon.
Jon points this out in his book, “The 10 Minute Energy
Solution”, and asks
what are your greatest moment of your life? If you can think of
these
often, you will have only a positive frame of mind.
When I look back on my own precious life, the greatest moments for me are
conquering OCD. I knew when I was down before that I would pick
myself up.
This is why I am writing this book today, because you too can feel this way.
Getting married to my wife, and the birth of our beautiful and
healthy
children, also rank way up there. Finally, I remember
opening a letter
from the Washington Redskins, and learning that I, a twenty year old kid,
was going to be with them in training camp, as a highlight in my life.
Another huge highlight was the day I walked around the Nova Care Center and
the Philadelphia Eagles office, and was offered a job with them on game day
in PR. That memory makes me smile inside and out. My boss, Bob
Lange, has
always treated me with so much respect, and helped me to love being with the
Eagles. What are your memories and accomplishments? Think of them
often and
your life will change. As your depression subsides, reach out to
others and
do the same for them. Pass it on.
The world has become so negative. You repeatedly turn on the TV and see
people of all colors and creeds killing one and other. It seems like so many
countries across the world are fighting religious wars that you begin to
wonder if the world is coming to an end. You wonder why so many
people have
become withdrawn and depressed, and, if they are really down, sometimes
resort to suicide. Suicide to me is the saddest thing that you could
ever
do, because you are a child of Christ and a mother and father’s own flesh
and blood.
Gordon writes in his book about “Energy Vampires”. This has become a
term I
have used and though about so much since the day I read it on the pages of
his book. Energy vampires are people who are pessimistic and
negative in
life, and are there to try to bring us down. It does not take a
brain
surgeon for anyone with OCD or who has been diagnosed as being depressed,
that you cannot be around people like this.
Gordon says in his book that these vampires can be anyone; teachers, family
members, coaches, loved ones; anyone. If you run into energy
vampires, hold
up garlic in their face and run from them as fast as you can. If you
love
these vampires, ask them a favor and ask them to change if they want you
around. If you can learn to do this, the energy within you and your soul
will only prosper.
Jon has been an inspirational figure who came into my life after I emailed
him one time. His writing and his seminars have changed the man that
I am
and it can do the same for you. Jon is a friend, sure, but my
intentions
were not to promote him, but to bring a philosophy to you the
reader. If he
changed my life he may be able to do the same for you. If you could
tie
this message to your therapy sessions or with taking your medication for
depression, we could all live in a better world years from now.
Chapter 18
Good Stress and Stress that Kills
“I know a lot of men who are healthier at age fifty, than they have ever
been before, because a lot of their fear is gone- Robert
Bly
There are many times in our lives when we all have experienced stress in
some way, and there is truly good stress and bad. I can remember
taking the
SAT’s in high school and having such a knot in the pit of my stomach because
the test could dictate the college I went to and my future. I can remember
taking my driver’s test, and when the instructor asked me to turn on the
headlights, I could not remember where he switch was for a second.
Plus, many of us who play sports get that butterfly in our stomachs before a
big football game or baseball or softball game or in any
sport. Stress can
be good in that it makes you more attentive to what is going on in your job
or in sports, and it can help you be more focused. You can see this
whenever you are watching someone like Tiger Woods play golf. Undoubtedly,
the greatest golfer who has ever played. He is nervous inside, but
you
would never know it because he finds focus and energy with his stress and it
helps him excel. So there is some good in stress in our lives, but
stress
can also kill people who do not know how to handle it.
Today, as I was writing this book, a news report came out that super star
and flamboyant receiver Terrell Owens, wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys,
may have tried to commit suicide by taking many pain killers. Over
the next
couple of weeks, it will be interesting to see if this really occurred.
The first feelings that came to me were of complete sadness and concern for
another human being. Owens has been fighting an internal battle
within
himself for a long time, and it may have finally caught up with him. He was
known by many as a loner and a shy person, and he may have been hiding
something. This is proof of how powerful the human mind is and that
even if
you have all the money and popularity in the world, you may not be happy
inside.
It also shows that everyone needs to have special friends in life and to
surround yourself with people who care about you. You need these kinds of
people in your life when you are in trouble. I only pray that Owens
is
humbled and learns to take care of his mental state as much as his chiseled
body.
Over the years of my life, I, like many, have faced many stressful
situations in my life. From the time that we all enter this great
world we
are going to have stress in our lives, and some can deal with it and others
cannot. Let’s face the hard reality that stress is a part of our
life and
it always will be. Whether you are terminally ill or disabled, or
have
suffered the loss of a loved one, or are going through a divorce or a
breakup, stress is a part of
of us
all. Surviving stress, though, can in a
strange way make us better people. I went through so many years of
stress
from my OCD, but it made me who I am today, and now I want to help
others.
My first passion is to someday work in the NFL full time, but my second is
to make sure that others can be saved from the ill effects of OCD.
I encountered a lot of stress, as you have seen, in my youth, with the
divorce of my parents and the loss of my twin brother, who moved to live
with my father when we were young. It was painful that he and I were
not
able to grow up and play more sports together and walk the same halls in
high school.
Also, OCD, the fear of death, and the fear of having different diseases
brought a tremendous amount of unwanted stress to my life. Now that I am
healthy and without fear of these unwanted thoughts, I continually go the
extra mile to give myself a lot of extreme self-care. This is a term
I have
learned from one of my favorite authors, Cheryl Richardson, who is on Oprah
frequently and who wrote Stand Up For Your Life. She always talks
about
making sure you check in with yourself and give your precious body and mind
extreme self-care. We all need this once in a while in order to
functio
