Chapter 87 Overcoming a Personal Crisis.
A failure in relationship, divorce, the loss of a job, financial crisis, sudden misfortune, death of a loved one and so on, are big huddles on lifes journey, demanding great strength in our spirit. We must be prepared for these.
Deterioration in human relations is often caused by: Poor relationship skills and low consideration for other people, taking others for granted, ignoring and belittling them, a lack of love, kindness and virtues. Disputes over spending, inlaws and even over child-bearing also cause rifts among marriage partners. Then there are those who mature physically but not emotionally, they show poor judgement, irresponsibility and little interest in their mates. Complacency is harmful, you become too sluggish in doing more for yourself and others. Stubbornness is bad too, especially the inability to change ones ways. Selfishness is one of the "last straws. Others lack the self discipline to curb their bad habits and urges, and fall into drinking, gambling, and infidelity, which eventually destroy a marriage.
Experts identify 4 frightful stages that lead to matrimonial failure: Criticism, complaints, defensiveness and withdrawal. The early criticism stage usually goes unnoticed, until irritation builds up. Later a triggering event (such as the arrival of new baby or in-laws, a residential or career move) may cause a conflict. Couples should take care to nib problems in the bud. Be alert to changes in job, housing and circumstances, to tell-tale signs of stress, grievances and growing imbalance. As the discord worsens, laziness, irresponsibility, drinking, withdrawal and adultery follow. By the time the couple seek counselling it may be too late, the hurt and hatred may be too deep to heal; a separation becomes a reality. Divorce is a serious issue in the world today. In America each year, for every marriage started, another is dissolved, causing disruptions to families, children and society.
The burning question is: Is divorce always the best solution? It is seldom the best solution. I believe we can never be completely detached from someone we have once loved. Most divorcing people felt a last minute reluctance! Many who have looked back admitted that their marriages could have been saved if they had really tried. A good advice to those contemplating divorce is: Consider improving yourself, instead of replacing your partner; you may go on changing partners repeatedly. Divorce is not a sure gateway to happiness, the parameters in the world are still the same. The governing factor is yourself. You get what you put in! Next, lets examine our prevention and cure of a relationship disaster.
Fortunately, world-wide experience shows that failures can be avoided, reversed, and obstacles can be overcome with ensuing gratification. People who embark on marriage owe it to themselves to build a happy love-nest, they must have the will to make it work. Much can be done through selflessness, sincerity, respect, rapport and co-operation, combined with the willingness to solve differences amicably, with compromise and mutual benefits. Here are more tips for you:
1. Build special relationship skills, and be watchful for little annoyances, which over time can reach dangerous proportions. If couples would analyse each others moods and know when to show affection or air grievance, there would be less conflicts.
2. Dont nag, help your mate instead. Make suggestions and give persuasion rather than criticism. No one likes to be criticised, you can always find fault if you want to, no one is perfect. Acknowledge human and worldly imperfections. Minimise differences instead of making an issue of them. Recognise bad habits and destructive patterns, control them before they harm your relationship. The company that you keep is important. Avoid the drinking and flirting group, and have friends with healthy values and religious leaning.
3. Unconditional love is important, probably in theory, but in practice, a happy marriage is achieved through the partners abilities to work out their differences, to surrender selfishness for mutual gains. Share household chores, responsibilities and money matters intimately. Discuss them freely, with give and take. A good solution is to take turn in giving in. She buys her new car now and he gets his indoor swimming pool later! Some couples have so little goodwill that they live a cat-anddog life, endlessly squabbling. Isnt life too short for that?
4. Your spouse should be your best friend, the apple of your eyes, and given the deserved courtesy and admiration. If you are a partner worthy of love and respect, you can even change your spouse with influence and gentle persuasion! See change as a gesture of helping each other towards new interests, discoveries, growth and well-being.
5. In times of friction and discord, your mate simply needs understanding and sympathy. The ability to listen unconditionally, to empathise, compromise and reconcile shows kindness, courage and strength of character. This capacity has saved many relationships.
6. Can you admit a fault and apologise when necessary? This is a virtue, showing humility, confidence and security.
7. Acceptance, patience and forgiveness can erase ill-feelings in the home, however, the outside world is a different kettle of fish, requiring prudence. There is a difference between giving love and taking abuse.
8. Success in marriage is not just a matter of marrying the right person, it is also a matter of being the right person yourself! Human relation banks on what we are, not just what we say or do. Now lets see how we can prevent and handle personal crises.
In life, many bad things could have been avoided if people had been more careful! Prevention is best along the following lines: Realism and wisdom in dealing with important matters; upholding safety and security; discipline and caution in all type of choices, decisions and risk-taking; good financial control and budgeting; careful documentation of business transactions in black and white to avoid disputes and lawsuits; contingency plans.
A crisis brings many responses, which you must learn to manage. Immediate ones include: Shock, fear, anger and anxiety. Subsequent responses comprise selfdoubt, guilt, helplessness, sadness, mood swings and depression. These mental states bring stress, bad psychological and physical health. Sights of companionship and joy elsewhere may intensify the anguish. The healing process must entail actions to eject or replace the pain. They are as follows:
1. Reach out and talk to friends. Find solace and cheer in their company. Work and play. Hobbies and sports are good cures, so are entertainment, social gatherings, outdoors, nature and music.
2. Leave the past. Look forward to the future with enthusiasm and expectation. Adapt to the needs of the situation. Take a fresh look and a new path. Focus on positives and spirituality. Invest your time and efforts in the most meaningful undertaking.
3. Use visualisation and fantasies. Prisoners of war, and others who suffered great personal tragedies have survived, partly by nurturing a vision of a smarter, fruitful and fulfilling future.
4. Calm and relax yourself, rejuvenate your body, clear your mind, take deep breaths, gather strength and smile to yourself. Fill yourself with hope and aspiration, and move on with all your resources to something pleasant and productive. Affirm yourself with positive and empowering statements. Take invigorating and constructive actions. Keep active and busy, reach out and mingle with others
5. Think more rationally and less emotionally. Put the facts together and analyse them creatively, with intuition, insight and ingenuity. Place matters under ranking of priorities. Have faith in your ability, and believe that there is always a solution to any problem.
6. See beyond the earthly life, especially after the death of a loved one. Do not cling to deceased relatives and their memories, instead, set them free as they go heavenward to their paradise of beauty and happiness. Accept death as a natural process. Pray and seek Gods comfort and guidance. Healing is found in faith, fortitude, prayer, religious activities, acceptance of lifes ups and downs and its afterlife Stay close to your religious community and prayer group. Studies have shown a strong correlation between faith and coping capacity. This is indisputable, as we belong to our family, our society and to our Creator. From them we receive support, solace and inspiration and through them we see meaning in life.
Avoid the following at all costs: Imagining the worst, focusing on what is wrong, dwelling on negative feelings, coddling your grief, blaming others, losing confidence and giving up. You may think all your feelings and sufferings are caused by others. The truth is, all your thoughts and emotions are under your direct and immediate control! Then you may ask: Why do bad things happen to me? Is God punishing me? Believe me, bad things happen to everyone, often for a divine purpose. All are fighting lifes battles. No pain, no pleasure; no gloom, no gladness. Sometimes, we tend to think that most people are bad and should be probed and punished, and that they can only be subdued by force and retaliation. We should instead recognise that we all have weaknesses. If others do wrong, getting upset will not change things, taking positive actions will! Forgiveness, understanding, negotiation, compromise are the ways to go.
Next, you may assume your difficulties are beyond your control, and that it is better to put things off or escape. Wrong! Tackle your problem right in the face. Procrastination only extends your suffering. Sometimes you may think that you need the support of others to survive. In fact you are stronger than you realise, and you are the first and best person to help yourself. Another unhealthy belief is: I must make no mistakes and attain perfection. Perfection is not attained overnight. Growth is the key and the only way to approach perfection.
Many of us learn and benefit from our wrenching experiences. Notwithstanding, the sadness accentuates the contrasting happiness that follows, how nice. We emerge afresh, and stronger to face lifes challenges. As one saying goes: "That which does not kill me makes me stronger. After we have weathered lifes worst storms, the rest becomes childs play. Now we can handle all of lifes bruises and blessings, we can handle anything.
"Every crisis provides a chance to find your big self." - Dr M. Maltz.
"Couples sooner or later fall out of love, it is when the mating instinct has run its course that the setting for genuine love begins." - M. Scott Peck.
"The building of marriage is like the building of a house. I could see how simply many of my building problems could have been solved." - Nina W. Putnam.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." - Corinthians 13.