K
On Kids (or if you are one).
Here are some notes on teenagers (my personal views)and why they give some parents indigestion and pre-mature gray hair.
As humans transition into adulthood, the shaky bridge of adolescence is often where these behaviors and experiences get set like foot prints in fresh concrete. The teenage years in western society are a mythical place of change and sort of an era emboldened confusion.
In the western world, teens have a special class of super- angst about the their new freedoms and especially about social and sexual intimacy. Teens of both sexes seem to be extra sensitive to the new and natural grouping instincts bubbling in them like a shook-up soda pop.
When teens desire new kinds of intimacy for the first time as young adults, these feelings are fragile and unfamiliar, but natural. Most kids do not take guidance well during this time. Here are are a few things for parents to keep in mind.
Teens are by their very nature, rebellious. If viewed this way, even the story of Adam and Eve has practical point beyond explaining our origins. They become just like any rebellious teen and the author of this story, whether human or truly divine, was trying to tell us more than just a simple tale of creation. The writer’s message: teens rebel because humans are made this way for a purpose.
Nature rewards it in almost all cases. When you are parenting you teen, do not be offended by mother nature’s rebellious influences (unless spring flowers upset you too).
Humans wired to form new groups make new bonds outside of our original family unit. It creates more humans. It moves our species along its way. There really should be no mystery about this concept and I am sureI am not the only parent thinking or writing about it.
The simple teen instinct to create new family bonds (beyond their birth family) makes them appear to be little monsters beginning at age thirteen or so. Lions, bears and all birds species do exactly the same thing. They either rebel like well-programmed robots to breakout of the original family unit or they driven off by parents to fend for themselves. It will always be here for human parents to curse.
The instinct for rebellion keeps that funky music on the radio, sells, loads of t-shirts and eventually teaches people that staying “cool” or on top of changing notions of “cool” is fun, but also exhausting and expensive. I used have a t-shirt business. I was always looking to capitalize on what was “cool” for that month.
When a troubled teen groups with other teens, out of the human instinct to do so, it is a difficult dilemma for parents. At what point should a parent intervene and disrupt a teen's social circle? If you are not sure, ask a professional about it.
Accept the fact that kids will make parents feel “uncool” as way of breaking the bonds of their originally family unit. Another thing that will blow-up the teen/parent dynamic is when a kid seems to repeatedly try to get some moral high ground on a pointless issue. Be a grownup please.
Do not take offense and please don’t scorch the earth with parental authority bluffs, or clever barbs and insults. Do not take personal. This is the Adam and Eve drama repeated. A clever or mean comeback is not the medicine you need in that moment. Just thank your teen for growing up, before you say anything else. All kids roll up their eyes and scoff at this statement. It’s sign that your little one will shortly seek out and form new family-like bonds with their peers. It takes courage not retaliate, but it’s the only way to go.
Rebellion is not logical, but it is a fact of life.
As a parent you must meet instinct for rebellion with an equally logical and equally factual belief system by repeating:
“It’s not about me.”
“It’s not about me.”
“It’s not about me.”
Hey moms and dads you are going to want begin practicing this line shortly after your child’s birth.
Many teens mistakenly hitch their new instinct to group outside the family unit to common commercial ideas of teenage “cool.” Common signs of this are of course, dressing like a popular music star, changing their dress to fit in at school or withdrawing inward. Kids may become moody feel lonesome and then become distant or aloof. Do not be offended by this because in my view, as a parent, this is a simple part of the human condition. Say the line to yourself and move on.
How does a parent convince a teen that they do indeed have a kid’s best interest at heart? I am not a professional in this field, but any successful parent will tell you...
Building good bonds prior to these years is really the only solution .
This takes time.
These bonds of trust are your only protection against all the bad stuff that goes on (teen drug use and premarital sex)that sometime teens will twist into positive bonding experiences. It scares the hell out of parents because kids don't know enough to be afraid of experimenting with sex, drugs or alcohol. If the new grouping instinct takes kids into drugs and alcohol and bonds with peers form around these dangerous events, parents will have a tough time convincing their kids to be scared of these bonds.
Again, this rebellion is just a part of trying to bill bonds of social intimacy through drug and alcohol use with peers. It’s the beginning of a race to the bottom to these teens as the these innocent rapport building experiences turn kids into addicts.
Kids really have no way to understand how much unhappiness they can experience with sex, drugs and alcohol abuse in the adult world.
Some bad behavior is simply an outlet for this grouping instinct. That's my two-cents anyway and, again, I don't consider myself to be and expert, but thinking about it this way may help you someday.
This is not to say teens live on instincts alone or can not make logical choices, but rather to say these new feelings that drive some teens have roots some parents don't see and don't understand. Teens, when properly bonded with a parent, should be more worried about their status in the family unit than the views of their friends. "Good" kids more are afraid to put the parental bond in jeopardy.
Are there really any “bad kids?”
I am sure there are plenty of kids that don't have productive parental bonds and don't have sense of family or home. These kids are not the same as a bad orange or apple you get at the market. The instinct to group, create bonds and form a new family unit are new big surprise for everyone. The choices they make under this biological pressure to make connections with peers confuse teens and parents alike.
Teens often have no response when they defy their parents to group (Adam and Eve again) and these actions are illogical and inexplicable, but it is simply part of the maturity mechanism that drives our human population forward.
Building good bonds with your children, if you have any, should be a big part of your purpose whether you are single or not.
To build bonds with your kids, work with them on a common goal or share an experience.
You can not tell a teenager about bonding. Never say the word "bond" to them. They will look at you as though you just came back from a successful journey to Planet Lame. You have to show them. It is part of the parenting job.
Plan it carefully as NASA would prepare for a space mission. Preparation, in my view, is the real key here. Prepare, and then wait for it. Do not push too much. When you see your teen branch out, away from the family unit and group out of instinct with peers, do not meet it with anger or contempt. Try to be as positive as you can.
If you are still a kid…
Being a teenager is the short stage in human life. You must realize that one day in the future you will wake up and everything you see will have changed. You will be out of school and all the kids around will be gone. You may keep a few close friends of course, but none of the annoying people you know will be around you any more. They will be gone.
Don’t worry to much about what they think right now. The end is near, but does not feel that way. Remember that the only thing that stays with you from school is the grades. All of the other drama is crap. Think about that for a moment.
Your family will probably be around too. So to avoid a lot of headaches down the road, forgive your own parent(s) if they are not too good at making you feel safe and forgive them when they argue with you.
Forgive them especially when you want to hang out (group) with your friends. Learn from their mistakes. Take up the challenge to be with your family as well as your friends and recognize that your family will stay around you for a long time and your friends may come and go. To manage parent drama and to break their cycle of negativity just get in their face(s) and make them learn about you for just ten minutes a week.
Do this if you want to be a whole person someday. Do it to avoid therapy as an adult, but therapy will always be an option if your parent(s) are stuck in a cycle of negativity with you. Make them learn about you. It will help you avoid bad feelings down the road toward your family and if it doesn't work out, you can always remind yourself (and them) later on that you tried to do the right thing.
Be brave if you are still a kid and don't really feel a strong bond with a parent. If you want to be happier living with them for now, find out what one thing you have in common, one simple goal. As an example, clean plates are common goal for any family unit. If they never do the dishes, for instance, just do them once a week together.
Just ten minutes of this "in their face time" will teach them about you, but don't tell them your plan. Just let it happen to you and don't get angry with them. Be as logical as possible. If they start asking questions about your life or your future, your haircut or color, or whatever tell them you want to get the job done first.
When you are finished, ask them to write down any questions they have for you. You want avoid an argument for now. Look over them when you get them. Then ask them to let you sleep on it over night. Sleep on them. After you have slept and are ready, answer the questions as directly as and honestly possible. If you don't know why you did something they didn't like, say exactly that.
Never have these sessions or discussions in your living spaces. Take it to the garage or neutral room or have these conversations in public places.
This will probably freak them out at first for you to be so direct and in their face, but that is a good thing and it's sort of a rush too. Lastly, be brave enough to consult a professional at your school if doing all this with a parent seems impossible. They will help you.
Write down as many common goals (like clean plates and food) you and your family share as human beings.
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