I think we’ve all been in a relationship or know a woman who has been in a relationship with a guy where you either, gave up your whole life to be with him or drop everything to be waiting by the phone in case he calls and maybe even give up your girlfriends. Basically, you make the guy the center of your universe. This is a recipe for disaster. Nothing screams desperate more loudly than a woman who will do anything to be on the beck and call for a guy. Yet women do this so often it breaks my heart because usually they are the most caring considerate loving women who let men walk all over them.
Well if this is you, then it’s time we roll up our sleeves and get to work! First things first, you need a life! Yes, YOU need a life that doesn’t involve your dude and a life that is filled to the brim with so much exciting fun. Sooo much fun that any man will have to come up with way better fun ideas and reasons to just be considered as someone you would be willing to share some of your fun loving fabulous diva rock star self with!
How’s that for a 180-degree attitude shift into self-love! A woman who has got her stuff together is hot! A happy, fulfilled fun loving busy woman attracts guess what…a fabulous, fun loving dude who has got his stuff together! I can tell you he is not hanging out at the local bars down the street picking up women on a Saturday night.
Listen, I have never met a good guy in a bar. Now that’s not to say it can’t or doesn’t or will never happen but, statistically speaking I have never met a long term boyfriend in a bar and I don’t know of any of my clients or good friends who have either.
Just yesterday, one of my clients, Diane called me up to share a sad story. She had been beating herself up all week because she caved in and had a one-night stand with a guy she met…at a bar. She was really hating herself because part of her was walking home, going to bed on time being a good girl and the other half of her was saying, “Screw it, you deserve to have some fun go for it!” So, she did! She turned around and went back to the bar, had fun banter with the guy and took him home with her. After a night of fun and romps the guy pulls a classic Houdini, doesn’t call, days go by, then Diane calls him and he gives her the cold shoulder. Regardless of knowing, that she shouldn’t be doing the one-night stand thing the devil on the right shoulder won and she dipped her toe in hot water burning herself. This happens all the time to hot, fun, hard working, smart, pretty women. All the time! It happens because the woman is not making fun or pleasure in her life a priority and because of this, she lets her radar down and gets into trouble. Breakdown!
Next, she begins fantasizing that this guy could be the one. Possibly, he tells you about something that checks off one thing on your list and you go gaga thinking about names for your unborn children.
Why do women do this?! Fatal! I’ve done it myself. I asked God for a super man – literally. I ask, “God I’m a freaking kick ass lady, ton of fun, got my life together, I’m super woman, send me my super man!!”
Well I met a guy, he shows me pictures of himself in a superman t- shirt and that was all it took. I was planning the wedding my head. Stupid and crazy but us women are built for it, I tell you! We’re raised on Cinderella and sleeping beauty, society has been brainwashing women to meet a prince charming that will come in and save you from your wicked stepsisters; your wretched lonely existence.
This is where women get into big time trouble. You sleep with a guy too soon and then get all attached to him (physically a naturally occurring hormone called oxytocin is also at work causing a chemical reaction likened to a drug so, women beware!) and then because of the attachment you have to make it work. Then you finds out the guy eats with his mouth open or is a horrible dresser, cheap tipper, has a bad temper and you put up with it because you have sold to yourself, “He’s the one,” before you even know him at all!
Here’s the deal. If you want to catch a good man, he’s going to judge you as a keeper if you regard yourself as a high-class lady. High-class women do not just throw it out there like birdfeed for pigeons while sitting on the freaking park bench.
Seriously, I teach my entrepreneurial women clients how to create sales attraction systems to weed out the looky-loos, uninterested potential time wasters and tire kickers. These people have to jump through a few hoops to qualify to work with them. Yes, it weeds out many people and it saves my clients from wasting their time. They end up closing sales with the right, perfect yummy fabulous clients who value them and pay what they are worth. Same thing with dating! Your self-worth is something you’re going to have to build. If it’s been on the floor, it’s time to pick it up and kick it up a level! Unless that is, you’re happy with one-night flings and guys that never call back or give you the time of day. Remember you teach people how to treat you.
Just as I have a recipe for attracting clients - here is the recipe I gave Diane. It’s called the Sex with a Great Guy Plan!! We had a good laugh about this one I hope you do too.
A great guy who’s got his life together isn’t hanging out at a bar. He’s into having fun fabulous experiences so, if you aren’t and if you’re waiting for Mr. Right to come along before you start enjoying your life you’ll be waiting forever. What have you been putting off doing or exploring because of work or just being busy?
Top Priority: Make a list of the fun activities you want to learn such as an art class, a poetry class, photography, racecar driving, golf, surfing or skiing.
Top Priority: Investigate your list - call them up, research online, commit to going to access them and plan them into your calendar.
Diane made her list:
Top Priority: Be a quality woman. A quality woman is busy, too busy for bums and broken men. To make sure you don’t give one man too much of a priority, too early begin circular dating. This is where you date many men at the same time. Don’t have sex with any of them - give yourself a 30- day or 60, even a 90-day rule! Yikes! I know but, do it!! This way you’ll get to find out ahead of time if all he wants to do is get down your pants… unless that is all you want, then by all means, knock yourself out.
These tips are for women looking for a serious long-term relationship. So date many men - go out on coffee dates with them first. No long commitments. No 12-hour dateathon here, just a quick coffee date to see if he qualifies for another one; to see if he’s any fun! Seriously!
Top Priority: Have fun! No thinking about whether he is the one or not. Your job is to have fun, to not take anything serious and not be attached to any of them. Let the men come, chase and pursue you.
Men love a challenge – listen, they need one! What says, what a fun fabulous woman she is, I have to have more of her than a woman who is a little too busy and having so much fun she’s not always around, or answering her phone or texting back right away! Kabam! If he asks for a second date you might say (if it’s true), “Oh, I’m busy,” That’s all, don’t offer any more. Just, “I’m busy.” Let him guess and wonder what in the heck you are up to. Then what happens is they start to realize they’re spending a whole ton of time thinking about you …wondering, you become mysterious, I must find out more, I must do a better job at pursuing her. Mmm, hmmm. Men will value something they have to work hard for. Don’t make it too easy. Don’t be loosy-goosy legs wide-open sally.
Here is Diane’s note she wrote back just a day after our call about her recent results in the great sex with a man plan:
“OMG, what a great call yesterday! Thanks again! WINS: I started researching fun activities; I am booked into 2 scooter rides, booking a cooking class with wine pairing with the LCBO! I am starting my personal appointments today also! I just came from my first ever ‘French’ bikini wax, OMG I feel like I have a landing of strip of fire between my legs! I am still wondering why God puts hair in places that I just had it ripped from. OMG. (Whew) Nails later today or tomorrow and hair on Friday!! An impromptu meeting tomorrow with a client. Wahoo, extra cash! Chat soon!”
I love my clients! I love my business. I get to work with hilarious women who get IT done! Look, as soon as Diane started to put herself, her pleasure, and her interests as a priority kablamos, more money comes in too. It’s all connected self-worth. Is the gateway to everything you want.
Be a quality woman who has boundaries and requirements. Gregg Michaelsen a relationship coach for women talks about the importance of being a ‘high value’ woman, in his book To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man.
A high value woman is a woman who values her time and space, who loves herself enough not to put up with crap or crappy men. A high value woman knows she is amazing, won’t settle for crumbs and is not desperate for a man’s attention by any means. She is not desperate because she loves herself; she has a balanced life, makes her own money, respects herself, and knows she is the bomb! Any man should prove himself to her. She doesn’t give it all away to the first guy who pays her attention; she is mysterious and has her life together. She’s not waiting for prince charming to come rescue her, she’s having a fun and fabulous life that every sane man wants to be a part of and add to. She’s confident, her self-image and self-worth is high. She has high self- esteem.
I got a text from a guy today who has wanted to date me but he doesn’t have his life together. I liked him, nice sweet guy, comes from a good family, good values, healthy, doesn’t smoke and I met him volunteering which is a great place to meet good men. Only this guy simply isn’t ready. He doesn’t have the capacity to make a woman a priority or is simply not that into me. He’s in the middle of moving across country and starting a new career. When a man doesn’t have his career in place, he has no place in his mind to focus on loving a woman. Period. That’s just not how men are built and take notice that women constantly want to help and coddle these men. Stop it!
Find a guy that’s able to put your happiness as a priority! That’s a writer downer! Find a man who will put your happiness as a priority and date as many men as you can or want to and have fun with them. Find the good qualities about them and never ever negotiate your desires. This means don’t settle for second fiddle. Nope! Stay open rather than committing to any of them. Be free and fabulous and let them all bring you gifts and want to be the one to claim you!
Make yourself so desirable, fun and fabulous that it becomes his idea to want to be exclusive with you… men want to think they’re in control so, let them. Have so much outrageous fun that they come barreling down your door, wanting you because a high class, high value woman will add much more value to a man. If he has to work hard for you - you can bet he will appreciate you. This works in existing relationships too. As soon as you begin to feeling that your man is taking you for granted, ignore him, focus on you, go out, pamper yourself, disappear, Poof, gone like a ghost out with your girl friends and do not include him!! Watch what will happen! Oh boy, will he come sniffing around wondering what just happened.
Back to this text guy who we’ll call Tony. He texted me a picture of his hairy chest on the beach (I have a thing for hairy chested guys. I don’t know why men ever got the idea to shave their chests;; it’s just illegal in my books). I texted back, “Looking good.” He texted back a little cheekier photo asking me to send one back of me when I have the time.
I was so ticked off, here’s a guy who has no time for me and then decides he wants to get off on a sexy photo and does nothing except send a cheap deluded text? Wow buddy you really are a piece of work.
I texted him back, “No. If you want to connect with me, you call me.
No call, no heartfelt connection, no photos.”
He replied with a lame excuse, “Ok, just the time change and been busy with family.” Do you think I care? Now why would I put this guy as a priority in my life when he can’t and is not willing to do the same for me?
You should give a guy a little less than he gives you. Do not call me a man hater, I am not. I love men but I will not put up with insincerity or nonsense and I won’t over give to a guy who doesn’t appreciate or meet my requirements. Don’t make it easy for men because if you make it too easy they won’t appreciate you.
I had another guy who’s been chasing me for a few months call me up. He’d been texting me and wanted to cook for me. I’m not so sure about him but he’s an entrepreneur and I like that. I’ve been aloof to say the least and he’s been persistent as all heck. His attention seeking text was, “I’m totally confused.”
To, which I reply, “Hahahah.”
He texted back, “I see you like that.” No reply from me.
Then 2 minutes later he asks, “Let’s be real for a sec, what’s on your mind?”
I reply, “Call for an answer.”
Ladies that is a writer downer - use it! “Call for an answer.” You direct them, you tell them what you want and if they don’t have your happiness as a priority trust me you will find out fast enough.
Do not make it easy for these guys. You want to get to know me; you call me and talk to me. What is this cyber show, text dating? Who has a relationship via texting? It’s crazy! Yet, many women let men behave badly. They put up with lame excuses and settle for crumbs. No way!
He called me up 5 minutes later and I offered him the chance to make me happy by cooking for me later this week. Set a man up to win and let him win on your terms!!!
After your priorities’ list is step number two. Research and mark these things into your calendar. Step three; begin circular dating by filling your calendar with fun dates. Start off with coffee and qualify men. Work your way up to having them want to give you the world! Value yourself, your time and put the 30, 60, 90-day rule in place before you shack up!