One of the fundamental mistakes guys make in dealing with women, at the root of a great many problems, is a failure to believe in the principle of abundance . In the context of this book, I’m referring to abundance in women. On another level, though, you should strive to believe in abundance in all areas of your life, money and career, for example, and as you proceed further into self- development through your dealings with women, this will start to happen naturally. This chapter looks at the negative impact of living without abundance mentality and describes what to do about it. Understand this: really grasping the concept of abundance is fundamental to success with women. When I did so, my results skyrocketed, and this will happen for you too.
The Opposite of Abundance: “Oneitus”
The seduction community frequently discusses a condition it calls “oneitus”; in fact, the term has become something of a meme simply because the phenomenon it refers to is so common. Oneitus, put simply, is the myth of “the one”—the belief that one “special girl” is the only person in the universe who can make you complete, and that without her life will be meaningless. Often, although not exclusively, a man’s “oneitus” will be a girl he is attracted to but has not yet hooked up with for whatever reason. Perhaps she is a colleague at work that he hasn’t had the courage to approach; or maybe he has approached her, and she rejected him with the infamous LJBF formula “let’s just be friends,”—a line women use to turn down men so frequently that it has become a trope in its own right.
This is the most painful place a guy can be—in the throes of what used to be called unrequited love. That terrible, soul-destroying craving for that one special girl. If you find yourself in this position, and indeed if you’ve come to this book to try to get that one special girl to like you, you need to take steps to disengage from those negative feelings and forget about her. Banish from your memory all those romantic movies you’ve seen where the shy, nerdy but good-hearted guy winds up getting his beautiful long-term crush to go out with him at the end. Real life just isn’t like that. The truth is that girls (like guys) categorise potential romantic and sexual partners very quickly, usually within the first few minutes of meeting. If you are in the wrong camp, i.e., a girl’s “friend” camp, then you will find it is very, very difficult to get out and in most cases impossible. It’s far better to walk away from this girl and move on to a fresh prospect, who (with the help of this book) you will present yourself to differently—as a potential sex partner. Later on, when the first girl has seen that you’ve had success elsewhere and notes your change in demeanour, then she might—and it’s an outside chance —reconsider, but don’t count on it. Do yourself a favour and move on.
Do not under any circumstances buy into the “friends” frame. Women are happy to spin out these pretend friendships for months or even years, as they receive validation from them for minimal emotional investment. But the truth is that you’re not truly friends. There’s an imbalance. You want something more from her than she is willing to provide, and you both know it. No true friendship can exist on these terms. Don’t feel you owe her anything just because she’s being “nice” to you (on the surface at least). Life is short, and you need to put your own interests first. The frame with which you should approach your male- female interactions should be honest and straightforward: either this leads to sex and a man-to-woman relationship, or I walk.
If at this point you are thinking something along the lines of “but she’s special and different and I want to get to know her first before sleeping with her,” or you think it’s somehow crude to put sex first, then you need to take a reality check and realise how things really work. Sex always comes first. The “relationship” follows. It is not even necessary for a girl to especially “like” you for her to sleep with you. Attraction is all that’s required.
If you have come to this book hoping to “convert” a special girl—you’ve asked her out once or twice, but you’re getting no traction with her, then you need to rip the Band-Aid off and move on. Here’s a six-step guide on what to do:
• Accept that at the moment, the way things are, this girl is not into you in the way that you want her to be.
• Break all contact with her immediately: stop calling her, don’t answer if she calls you, de-friend her on Facebook, block her on Twitter, Instagram, etc.
Basically shore up all possible routes of engagement.
• Avoid all conversations about her with mutual friends. In fact, just cut out the mutual friends. The last thing you want right now is constant reminders of her.
• Stamp on any unwanted or negative thoughts about her unmercifully. Whenever a thought comes up, don’t wallow; suppress it hard and move on.
• Have guy friends you can talk to discreetly about it, but limit these to one or two at most. The friends must be male and must be those who are going to understand and help you stick to your guns rather than talk you out of your course of action. Don’t talk to anyone beyond these people about the situation, and try to limit the amount of time you spend talking to them about it. Again, don’t wallow.
• Go out and meet other girls .
The ideas that the media feeds us about boy-meets-girl romance are at best inaccurate and at worst damaging. When you think about it (and it seems obvious when written in black and white, but it still needs to be said), that “special girl” is not so special statistically. There are millions of them out there. If it’s a long-term relationship you’re after (and it may not be), then think about it like this: in all probability, there are many women you see every day that attract you. The likelihood is that a proportion of these will have good character traits and at least some interests that tally with yours. In theory, you could form a relationship with any of them. The truth is that men always backwards rationalise physical infatuation by talking up a woman’s favourable character points, attitudes, and interests, calling it “love.” This isn’t to say that relationships never work out or that you shouldn’t enjoy the romantic feelings that come with them. It’s just important to be clear about what we’re really dealing with. So suddenly the notion of “one special girl” doesn’t hold up as well. In all likelihood, your special girl is only in your life due to a series of entirely random occurrences. Some will call this fate, but actually, the special girl you pine for could just as easily be someone else. Remember: romance is at root a biological / social construct that aims to facilitate the reproduction process: pair-bonding leads to stable families—in theory at least.
The Abundant Mindset and How to Achieve it
The truly alpha guy who has experienced many women in his life does not hold onto the idea of “one special girl.” He realises that there are many more out there. This is not to say that he can’t choose to be in a relationship if he wants to be, simply that if he does it’s because he has made a decision to be with one woman from a position of choice rather than scarcity. In this situation, the woman he’s with will sense this, and their relationship will be stronger for it.
Similarly, if you wish to play the field and attract many women for one-night stands or concurrent relationships, then your sense of abundance will colour every aspect of your interactions. A guy approaching with an abundant mindset will be so much stronger and therefore more attractive than a weak, needy guy looking to leech the life out of one particular girl he’s obsessed with. Also, a sense of abundance allows you to take risks in terms of your approach and the way you present yourself and look uninhibited, dangerous, and exciting. On the other hand, not taking risks can mean you appear sad, inhibited, buttoned-up, dry, and dull—the very opposite of sexy.
So how do you achieve a sense of abundance with women? The secret is to understand, internalise, and then apply the following:
You can meet and attract women absolutely anywhere you go.
This realisation was a major turning point for me and was responsible for a previously unimaginable uplift in my success rate. Previously, I had been blinkered by the idea that only certain times or places were appropriate for meeting women. These were:
• At work
• Through family and friends
• In a social setting like a private party, wedding, or other gathering where many people know one another
• Bars or clubs
• Online dating
Basically venues where there is at least some societal expectation that men will approach women, even if on an individual level this is not always welcome. But then I discovered what is often called daygame —approaching in the daytime—and it immediately changed my life, opening up myriad avenues and opportunities previously closed to me.
I live in London, the largest city in Europe. Every day on my way to work I see three, four, sometimes five girls I am attracted to. Every single day —there is a never-ending supply of them. I was brought up in a small town with a tiny population and was indoctrinated into the “boy meets girl” romantic narrative. It took a while and was in a way problematic for me to discover that there is an endless supply of women out there who are attractive, “my type,” and potentially available . If you live somewhere like London, Moscow, or New York, think for a moment about the sheer scale of these places. You have for all practical purposes infinite opportunities to meet women.
In reality, the range of venues where it is possible to meet and attract women is much wider than you think, including but not limited to the following:
• On public transport
• Working in a coffee bar / restaurant / shops
• In restaurants
• In parks
• In libraries and bookstores
• At trade events and exhibitions
• At concerts and gigs
• On the beach
• On aeroplanes
The biggest eye-opener for me was realising that, yes, it’s fine to go out and talk to girls in public places in the daytime, even in the street. The first time you do it, it’s like jumping off a high diving board, but if you have your fundamentals down, are well presented, and nonthreatening, then the response is almost always positive. Even if she rejects you, girls generally take being approached as a compliment.
When you realise this, fully internalise it, and begin approaching women in many different scenarios, you will naturally begin to build up a sense of abundance and will project non-neediness in each of your interactions, which will in turn improve your success rate. Remember that the most powerful man is the man who knows that he has options. In the next section, we go on to look at how to create myriad opportunities to meet women.
It was after eleven at night, and I was heading home. I was tired. I had been out in London with friends since early afternoon, and I’d approached a number of girls that I’d spotted in shops and coffee bars, taking one on an “instant date” to a cafe that had lasted an hour or more but hadn’t led to any tangible result. But it was summertime, when London is fired with a strange energy brought on by the heat that lasts well into the evening.
I saw her walking alone down a pedestrian street. She was about twenty years old, with long, slim legs that were more than adequately showcased by the tiny miniskirt she wore. Now, by this point in the night, a certain seduction fatigue had set in, and I debated internally whether or not I should bother approaching her. After all, as attractive as she was, the law of abundance states that there are millions of others just like her. But as I walked past, she flashed me a quick smile, a positive indicator that I simply couldn’t ignore. I said hi and we started chatting.
She was a French student visiting the capital for a couple of days. She had gone to a gay club and was disappointed. The gay friends she had been with had pulled, but there had been no available guys for her. So now she was looking for something to eat before going home to bed. I said we should go and grab a bite together.
There was nothing open in the immediate vicinity, so I suggested we try south of the river Thames, which was coincidentally in the direction of where I live. She agreed, and so we walked to the centre of Waterloo Bridge, which offers some of the most beautiful views of London. Here I pulled her towards me, and we kissed passionately.
“Let’s fuck first and eat later,” she said.
We walked over to the South Bank, and I hailed a cab. As we were being driven to my apartment, she said, “You’re lucky. I’m wearing brand-new Victora’s Secret underwear that I bought today.” As soon as we reached my place, her clothes came off, and I was able to inspect the new purchase for myself before a marathon sex session that lasted well into the night.
Now, granted, this story is somewhat anomalous. I had sex with Anna within thirty minutes of meeting her, which is unusual (although it happens more than you think). But it illustrates the opportunities that are out there if you believe in abundance and are willing to approach. It also shows the changes in fortune that are open to a man. Who cares about the nine girls you get shot down by when you’re fucking the tenth?
Sceptics will say that Anna made it easy for me, and that not a great deal of seduction was required. The truth of the matter is that you will naturally meet girls who, for whatever reason, are up for quick sex. The trick is identifying those girls, leading, and not fucking it up. I was intuitively aware, given clues such as what she was wearing, the time of day, the location, and her smile that she was potentially open to sex. My job as a man was to leverage masculine- feminine polarity, quickly physically escalate (the kiss on the bridge), and lead her to a private location where sex could take place (my apartment). I’m not claiming it takes any kind of genius to do these things; in fact, anyone could do it, but you need a degree of confidence, knowledge of female psychology, and social poise to pull it off correctly. Fortunately, an