Deepest Desires: The First Key to Happiness
Our Deepest Desires hold the seeds of our happiness. The beginnings of happiness are born from our identification and recognition of Deepest Desires.
In the Fairy Godmother’s relationship with Cinderella we find the tools required for creating happiness embedded in their interactions. Cinderella’s first encounter with the Fairy Godmother takes place in the lush rows of the vegetable garden. It is early evening. The air is beginning to cool. Lengthening shadows bend color. The garden reflects the deepening colors of plants and trees saturated in twilight. Cinderella’s eyes pass over the Fairy Godmother than backtrack. How many times in the past have Cinderella’s eyes passed over the Fairy Godmother unseeing? Startled by the perfection of the Fairy Godmother Cinderella is jarred out of her unhappiness. Have you ever been moved out of misery by the perfection of a setting sun, a full moon rising, or the compassion in the eyes of a friend?
The Fairy Godmother often appears at dawn or twilight. Within the balance of the light and dark, transitioning day to night, night to day, sunlight to moonlight, while the trees sigh and take their breath, the Fairy Godmother slides into the mortal world. The sight of the Fairy Godmother astonishes Cinderella. This is often a first step out of unhappiness. Something surprises us. In this case encountering a Fairy Godmother stuns Cinderella out of her feelings of hopelessness. By holding her vision steady on the Fairy Godmother Cinderella is standing within virgin territory. A unique circumstance she has never encountered before. In the Fairy Godmother’s presence Cinderella is shocked into wholeness. She is alive to her totality. Fueled by the adrenalin flowing through her, something indefinable ignites. It is a force greater than her fears. Strength greater than the destructive power of toxic relationships inhabits her.
This is what happens when we stumble into the presence of the Fairy Godmother. Standing within her enlightenment we are jarred awake, jolted into self-awareness. Our personal resources flood forward engaging strengths, those talents uniquely our own. The skills of resiliency are at our fingertips. Positive Possibilities emerge. We identify our talents. We re-purpose assets previously unnoticed in our environment and skill set. The moment is a flash in the context of eternity. What I’ve described here in a couple of paragraphs, in mortal time could take years. In modern-life, circumstances can disguise the appearance of the Fairy Godmother. A health problem may cause us to re-prioritize the structure of our life. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome disabled the author of The Story of Sea-biscuit. Ordinary tasks of life beyond her ability Laura Hildebrand wrote from bed her now famous book about the race horse Seabiscuit. The Fairy Godmother doesn’t always appear in stardust and moon glow.
Despite the fact that Cinderella engages her personal strengths each day and thus is protected in-part from the toxic relationships around her, she lives surrounded by misery. The potency of the Fairy Godmother’s radiance knocks Cinderella out of her entrenched ways of thinking and perceiving. This moment, free of ingrained patterns of perception, is fertile ground for Cinderella’s transformation. Letting the new, in this case the Fairy Godmother, into her circle of awareness Cinderella has courted insight and change. She is inundated with new ways of perceiving. When we are in the presence of someone, like the Fairy Godmother, who knows their strengths, knows their skills and engages these resources to manifest Positive Possibilities; hope awakens within us. We no longer vibrate at the frequency of our problems. Instead we vibrate at the frequency of hope.
In Tibet if we go to a healer s/he might give us a Mandala. Here are the healing concepts underlying Mandala treatment: In our illness or disease we vibrate with the frequency of our illness. Taking the Mandala home, we are instructed to meditate and become At One with the picture, At One with its vibrational frequency. Once we have entrained the frequency of the Mandala we are cured. We may heal to be symptom free. We may heal yet continue, for reasons beyond our understanding, to carry the physical manifestation of symptoms. We could heal and transition into ‘a good death.’ There are so many ways to heal in addition the disappearance of symptoms. Both illness and healing live in the Great Mystery.
In western medicine utilizing symptom-based-causal-thinking; only the disappearance of our symptoms is considered a cure. In Mandala therapy becoming At One with the Mandala, regardless of our symptoms, we no longer vibrate at the frequency of illness. Instead we vibrate with the frequency of health represented within the picture of the Mandala. We may still have our symptoms but we are liberated, permeated by Grace. The same phenomenon occurs when we encounter and embrace hope. We vibrate at the frequency of hope. We don’t know where hope will take us. We don’t know the avenues it will open. In the presence of the Fairy Godmother Cinderella begins to vibrate with hope.
Shawn Achor, the author of The Happiness Advantage, shares the story of his arrival at Harvard. It was love at first sight. The buildings, steeped in the traditions of education, reverberate with the finest minds in our country’s history. He felt the energetic frequency embrace him. Did all the brilliant minds walking the paths over the generations, well, did their intellectual resonance leave a trail? This is the image that comes to me. You know, and I say this with the greatest respect, like the shiny snail trail left behind in a snails wake. If they did leave an invisible, sparkling, trail of knowledge and wisdom Shawn absorbed their perfume. He felt empowered.
When we feel empowered we are more likely to see opportunities and manifest a version of our best possible self. We are courting success. This is what happened to Cinderella in the Fairy Godmother’s presence. She shed the lower frequency of her depression. She joined and embodied the frequency of the Fairy Godmother. She is empowered. Positive Possibilities reveal themselves in the wake of a higher frequency. In India it’s a fortuitous event to eat fruit blessed by the guru. The blessed food is now impregnated with the essential oscillation of the guru. When you eat the fruit you become literally and metaphorically At One with the guru’s vibration and the vibration of the blessing. Is that too far out for you? Another example from everyday life is the prayer we say at meal times. Why do we bother to say a prayer? The words are permeated within the sacred frequency of the blessing and we expect our food to be imbued with the blessing as well. WHEW!
Why is this hocus-pocus important? Free of her habitual hopelessness Cinderella is able see Positive Possibilities in her future. She digested the frequency of the Fairy Godmother. This is a first step to becoming sovereign unto herself. As an apprentice to the Fairy Godmother, as a fledgling Queen, she perceives Positive Possibilities surrounding her in the garden. The pumpkin hollowed out is large enough to become a carriage and transport her to the ball. Her friends the mice, transformed within her vision, could pull her carriage. I have no idea how Cinderella saw the mice as able to pull the carriage. I do know when we look at the resources already in our environment, within a fresh perspective, those resources can be re-purposed. Creativity mixed with resources reveals new, potentially ingenious, solutions.
Wait. I’m getting ahead of myself in the story. First, we see by sharing the aura of the Fairy Godmother, Cinderella is cleansed of her depression. In the words of Tibetan healing: After sharing the frequency of the Fairy Godmother, who already lives her Sovereignty and is At One with the healing powers of the Universe, Cinderella is cleansed. The world looks different to her. She is fueled by her strengths. She’s prepared to engage her resources. Positive Possibilities spread out before her.
Next, the Fairy Godmother invites Cinderella to speak her Deepest Desires. Being listened to with attention is a new experience for Cinderella. And very few people talk about Deepest Desires. No one in recent years has taken the time to get to know Cinderella. Before her meeting with the Fairy Godmother, she has been abandoned, ignored. After the death of her Mother and Father she lost her role as a beloved daughter at the center of a nurturing family. Her identity was stripped from her. She has subsisted as an indentured servant. I’m sure you can see how powerful it might be to give voice to our Deepest Desires while being listened to with care, respect and attention under ordinary circumstances. Think how Cinderella must have felt.
If Cinderella told her stepmother she dreamed of becoming a Queen she would have been laughed out of the room. Yet, all women want to become Queen. Cinderella’s stepsisters are in a competition to become Queen. To each sister becoming Queen means they will not have to do any work. They will live in the most beautiful home in the neighborhood. People will line up to do them favors and bring them gifts. They will have the most beautiful clothes of all their friends. Their jewelry will outshine every other woman in the land. Finally, they will be married to the second most powerful man in the nation, the Prince. They will be the second most powerful woman in the Kingdom. These girls don’t know the pathways of authentic interaction; filled with heart, purpose and meaning. They can only see the superficial benefits of marrying the Prince.
Cinderella does not want to be Queen in the, “I’m more powerful than you,” sense. Sovereignty, a personal authority aligned with a version of her best-possible-self, will define her immediate world. She fulfills her Deepest Desires to live within the glow of realizing her ambitions. She is fueled by her strengths. Her actions create beauty; a vastly under rated power in a world gone mad with technology and science. Beauty sparks health and wellness to animate the lives of those around her. Taught by the Fairy Godmother to surround herself with Focal Points of Beauty they remind her of her purpose. For example, after meeting with the Fairy Godmother she sketched a drawing of her parents. In the garden shed, where no one else goes, she hung the picture. Each time her eye falls on the image she is awash in the memories of her loving family. She is inspired to re-create another loving family in the future. The drawing reminds her of her purpose: To give and receive love in a mutually beneficial loop of reciprocity. She wants to share strengths with her partner. Their strengths will dovetail and together they are more powerful than when they are apart. Cinderella understands true power is not power over or domination of another. True power is our ability to create well-being. True power is our skill, our capacity to choreograph our life with well-being. This is what Cinderella means when she says she wants to be Queen.
The Fairy Godmother asks Cinderella to speak her Deepest Desires. Put yourself in Cinderella’s shoes. Could you gather scattered wits, choose courage and claim your dreams? Surrounded by the heartbeat of the Fairy’s love and acceptance, Cinderella chooses courage and gives voice to her secret and previously unspoken dreams. Thinking out loud she begins to refine her ideas. Within the radiance of the Fairy Godmother’s love Cinderella’s hope begins to burn brightly. After meeting the Fairy Godmother Cinderella is filled to overflowing with her Deepest Desires. Morning, noon and night while she cleans and waits on her wicked family, Cinderella doesn’t focus anymore on who she is serving. Instead she dreams of a life giving and receiving love. Every chore is infused with these qualities.
Yet for all her love Cinderella does not have the tools; the knowledge of the moving parts required to manifest her goals. Before she met the Fairy Godmother how long did Cinderella work, ceaselessly, love spilling through her and into her chores? How long did she go unnoticed and uncared for by the people around her? I call this period the Great Silence: An indeterminate amount of time where all our efforts go unrewarded. A period of time where it appears that life is unresponsive to our efforts, pain, prayers and needs. We feel lost, abandoned, and without resources. It is a period of painful deprivation within our mind and heart if not reality. In the misery of the Great Silence we feel trapped and ineffective. We are disconnected from our creativity. We feel disenfranchised from our strengths and talents. If the Great Silence lasts a moment, day or decades, we feel trapped by the crushing enormity of its endless nature. Love saved Cinderella. Love kept her from becoming bitter. Love shielded her from the callous treatment she received from her stepmother. Love drew the attention of the Fairy Godmother.
In subsequent garden meetings, the Fairy Godmother taught Cinderella the importance of designing Proclamations. She introduced Cinderella to Golden Ladders where each rung is associated with a tangible behavior. Actions aligned with Deepest Desires create a literal manifestation of our dreams in the physical world. Let me say that again. Actions aligned with Deepest Desires are necessary to create a literal manifestation of our dreams in the physical world. Deepest Desires, Proclamations, a Golden Ladder, through these Cinderella was confronted with the lessons of congruence.
Is it because Cinderella is ready for change? Is this why Cinderella’s eye fell on the Fairy Godmother and held? She knows people will say a Fairy Godmother does not exist. Rational people do not see Fairy Godmothers hanging out in the vegetable patch. Cinderella’s eye fell on the Fairy Godmother (we could say her vision encompassed the miraculous) and today she could see the Fairy Godmother without turning away. How is this possible?
Cinderella has kept her life rich with love and interaction. Yes, in the social isolation imposed by her step-family, Cinderella converses with Mother Nature. Walks in the ever-changing forest where each tree’s rough bark houses a core of satisfying strength within, restores her equilibrium. In early spring, leaves create a green canopy under blue skies which thicken with summer’s heat. Seasons change bringing bare branches, pristine and stark under winter’s gray sky. Cinderella feels a kindred spirit in the trees loss of foliage. She too has lost the many comforts of her outer life.
Water spills over boulders, eddies, only to swirl into stillness across the face of quiet ponds. Along the water’s edges north rock faces are covered in springy moss. Cinderella gathers moss to store as nature’s bandage. Compacting the plant material she stores it in a leather medicine bag that had been her mother’s. She rescued the bag from the trash after her mother’s death. The painted flowers on the leather exterior are faded. One day, she promises herself, I’ll repaint the flowers. I’ll follow the curves and lines my mother designed. Imagining the paint colors, sometimes she feels her mother looking over her shoulder with a smile. It makes her heart beat fast and her lips soften into an answering grin. Bittersweet the moment passes in a flash, leaving her shaken and so alone. But Cinderella would never trade the split second communion to avoid the renewed loss.
One morning, sitting in the shadow of trees near the stream’s edge, Cinderella settled in her favorite resting spot. The horses wander. They drink water sourced from the mountain’s underground springs. Glacier water traveling by way of the foothill streams is frigid and clear. Her back supported by a tree trunk Cinderella dozed. Life is arduous. Whenever she stops, moments of relaxation melt into sleep. In the dappled shade, fragrant with Bay Laurel trees, the summer sun filters through the interwoven branches. Heavy with abundant leaves, the tree arms create a lattice. Light shines through in luminous greens and hazy gold. Cinderella felt the vibrancy of life enter the base of her spine. Sap tracks the tree trunk as small sparkles of light travel the interior of her vertebral column. The warmth of the sun softened tired muscles. The fragrance of Bay leaves floated on the day’s thickening heat. The earth is solid beneath her. A soft breeze carries down the mountain lifting the fine hair along the edges of her face. In the safety and congruency of life surrounding her, Cinderella fell into her dreams. Dream-walking with the Fairy Godmother she pruned her dreams shaping them with her Deepest Desires.
Later, walking among the friendly giants where the tree trunks are wider than her ability to span wrapping her arms around the circumference, Cinderella pressed her check against the tree until it is imprinted with the rough bark. She whispers a request, seeking permission to harvest Bay leaves she’ll use in cooking or simmering in hot bath water. The herb will cleanse the air. She pulled strands of hair, leaving them cascading over branches, she murmurs her prayers of gratitude.
On hot summer afternoons accompanied by her dog, Blackie, who pants beside her between his trips to the stream, there is no dreaming. The water fractures reflecting light. The stream dances with gravity; splashing over rocks or settling into deep pools. Cinderella cannot resist the invitation. Laughing with her black companion Cinderella shivers with pleasure. She rode home in wet skirts savoring their infrequent fun. Her faithful dog has walked with her through every moment of grief and turmoil. Blackie waits patiently for their walks, never faltering with his comfort. She laughed observing his expectant face, remembering her father say, “Blackie is the name you get when a young girl names the family dog.” Blackie slept at the foot of her bed. And her Mother’s cat now sleeps with her as well. At first the cat sought Cinderella’s comfort. Now she gives solace to Cinderella in the echoing hush of the Great Silence. The cat snuggles at Cinderella’s feet keeping them warm in winter. Sometimes she awakens to find her cat stretched out over the top of her head. In the coldest nights of winter they all sleep at the hearth. Dying embers glinting final warmth before fading into gray ash while Cinderella, the cat and Blackie snuggle under a worn velvet blanket.
Pruning her mother’s roses for winter she remembers the flowers color and fragrance. A lingering memory in the dried petals fills the carved wooden bowls in the front rooms. Then beginning with the stirring of power in early spring Cinderella converses with the garden until the vegetable patch is fulfilled in summer’s growing bounty. The rows delineating produce are immaculately weeded. Cinderella carried the water from the well in buckets and carefully waters each plant. Surrounded by Cinderella’s love the flowers and vegetables flourish. She waits to harvest each crop, listening with the invisible ear, for the moment in time when full, they shimmer with health. Harvest is followed by autumn’s great yawn, accompanied with Cinderella’s silent prayer for the garden’s winter sleep. These are the conversations of Cinderella’s daily interactions.
More conversations are found where Cinderella nurtures the animals. Feeding and grooming she whispers in their fur. She laughs at their gentle bumps. They press and snuffle against her pockets looking for the apples and carrots Cinderella brings from the gardens or smuggles dried from the pantry. She exercises the horses following mountain streams. A goat in the barn keeps the horses calm. Their milk provides the basics for the feta cheese Cinderella used in summer salads. Her father won “Mr. Goat” in a Bridge tournament held in the castle ballroom. Sometimes the family spent the weekend when the tournament extended over a period of several days. This is how Cinderella first met the Prince. A secret she kept buried deep to obscure the family resources from her stepmother.
The cow is milked twice a day. Cinderella leans her forehead into the cow’s solid belly and for the briefest moment feels a softening in her raw heart. How the cow provided this maternal comfort was a mystery. After her stepmother fired the servants, leaving Cinderella to cope with their chores, mourning her parent’s passing, Cinderella cried at every milking. But the cow never faltered producing milk for the household. Cinderella understood the milk production for what it is; an act of love.
Chickens gossip and chatter pecking around her feet for the generous handfuls of corn grown in her Mother’s vegetable garden. They never bite her as she collects the eggs. Once her stepsister tried relieving a chicken of her eggs and felt the sharp peck of a beak. Wailing she ran inside for comfort. A preternatural silence descended. Cinderella counted five heartbeats. The stepmother raced into the yard, a river of murky red streaming behind her. She flew at the chicken who managed one faint squawk. Face contorted, eyes bloodshot, she twisted the neck with hands swollen with fury. Throwing the dead bird at Cinderella’s feet she shouted, “Chicken pot pie. Five PM.” Cinderella sobbed her way through the preparations.
In contrast, it is with murmuring friendly words she feeds the chickens. They give bountiful eggs, large and wondrous, under her care. The family cow is generous. She feels the comfort of Cinderella’s voice and the respectful urgings of her hands pulling the milk through her udders. The kitchens and wash rooms are scrubbed. The furniture is polished. Rugs are beaten free of dust. Food is prepared with prayer. The world under the care of Cinderella shines with these interactions grounded in love. Even the interior of her parent’s house has a special glow. Filled with treasures Cinderella’s mother created before her untimely death. As Cinderella dusts and sweeps until the house sparkles, she remembers the joy of living with her parents. Family dinners were filled with laughter and debate. Working together on projects Cinderella learned the ways of keeping a home. She remembers evenings spent by the fire reading or making music. All had been well in the small household.
One day a woman appeared at their door with a story of need and two small children. Caught up in the tale of the woman’s dire circumstance Cinderella’s mother and father befriended her. Who has not at one time or another been trapped by others impossible needs? We want to offer sanctuary, yet find ourselves unwilling to sacrifice the personal costs of health, time or money. Cinderella’s parents made a different choice. With a life overflowing with wellness they extend their hospitality. They commit their help, offering the woman and her daughters a new beginning. They supply her with employment in their household. Soon they are helplessly entangled, when unexpectedly, traumatically, Cinderella’s mother sickened and died. Remembering, Cinderella pulls the wool shawl closer to ward off the memory. But she cannot shake the agony of watching her mother suffer.
Had there been a connection with the arrival of the woman, who became her stepmother, and the death of her mother? Cinderella wonders, Could anyone be so wicked? And why was father so quick to marry? He could never really explain why he remarried. It seemed to confuse him as much as Cinderella. In the last weeks of his life he’d become lucid and stronger. He spoke of righting a terrible wrong. Traveling without telling anyone his destinations he shared with Cinderella he needed a little more time before he explained. After his death Cinderella questioned, What information had he found? What was the wrong he wanted to right? But this is another story for another time. A tale worked out in the mists of eternity far from Cinderella.
Before the arrival of the Fairy Godmother no one had inquired about Cinderella’s dreams for years. Who in your life asks you about your hopes and dreams? Who supports you in your aspirations without judgment or criticism? Does it take beneficent-supernatural-aide to listen with the mind and heart with unconditional love? Just as important what does it require to receive love? When Cinderella asked the Fairy Godmother these questions she was unprepared for the answer. “Cinderella it takes the presence of the Inner Sanctum both to give and receive love.” Cinderella did just what you and I would do. She stared blankly at the Fairy Godmother. “Inner Sanctum? What is this place?”
Now the Fairy looked fierce. Yes, Fairies are not just loving and kind. A Fairy lives within the heartbeat of truth. They live in the gap between who we are now and any version of our best- possible-self. They are impeccable warriors for infinite translations of our best-possible-life. Did you think they were just delicate creatures? In some ways they are delicate. They cannot survive in deceit, pollution or toxic relationships. The Fairy Godmother looked at Cinderella to assess her readiness to receive the answer to her question. “The Inner Sanctum is a holy place you build. It must endure across the dimensions of Self. From this place you offer and receive love. This is the birthplace of genuine self-acceptance. Self-respect, self-esteem these are expressions of the Inner Sanctum.”
How does Cinderella build her personal sanctuary? How do any of us build the muscle to sit in stillness and await the offerings of beneficence? Staring into middle space an idea popped into her head. “Maybe the Inner Sanctum is my drive to create beauty? The beginning of a sacred home within – what – my soul? Spirit? Emotions? Physical body? Where exactly does it reside? Is my desire to please Blackie and all of the animals; to nurture and love them is that the beginning? Does personal authority exist in this transcendent, holy, place?”
Meeting the Fairy Godmother for the first time Cinderella was shocked out of her habitual ways of thinking. She was working in the garden after her stepmother banished her from the house for the day. Cinderella didn’t mind. The earth was alive under her fingers. The sun warm against her skin. A quiet stirring of air keeps her cool. Cinderella was amazed by people who don’t understand the earth is alive. How could a dead planet grow crops? She listens to the earth speaking with her intuition while planting her kitchen garden. She rotates plantings each year to replenish the soil. On her hands and knees, fingers grip and release the dirt to work in compost. Searching for areas in the neatly planted rows that might need attention, Cinderella peers into the newly unfurling leaves of spring corn. The Fairy Godmother, partially hidden within the drooping yellow silk tassels, intently watched Cinderella.
At this first meeting the Fairy Godmother is inches tall, but her radiance spreads beyond the garden. Her brilliance steals the breath from Cinderella’s lungs. The Fairy Godmother sparkles. The air shimmers with her power. Each plant, flower and leaf, is etched vividly against the distant backdrop of forest. Cinderella smells a connection with all life. From the worms wiggling their way deeper into the earth, to the far off Bay and oak trees swaying in the soft breeze. The breath of life fills Cinderella’s belly and she is reborn.
Have you ever noticed when you are shocked or terrified suddenly the world and your priorities shift? This happens to Cinderella when she sees the Fairy Godmother. Happily she finds enough composure to speak. She says, “Good evening Wise One. Can I help you?” The Fairy Godmother smiles, “I’m here to help you. Together we’ll explore your Deepest Desires.” And then she listens to Cinderella’s Deepest Desires from the perspective of the Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence. She listens without judging, without criticism or discouragement. On the contrary the only aspiration manifested by the Fairy Godmother is to support, assist and encourage Cinderella in achieving her dreams. The Fairy Godmother is the original “game-changer.”
Have you heard of the Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence? Have you ever put your trust in the power of beneficence? Sometimes I hear people say, “Everything happens for a reason.” It makes me cringe. I don’t want to offend you. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Sometimes it seems like a cheap excuse, a short-cut to avoid something… Responsibility? We personalize beneficence. As if it comes to us for our private, special reasons. Beneficence is a Universal Law. It engages us in response to our congruency. Mind, body, spirit and behavioral congruency will ignite the Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence. Working hand in hand with Deepest Desires; we begin the journey climbing Golden Ladders of behaviors. Behaviors congruent with intentions draw Deepest Desires into the physical plane. Over time, through our clarity and congruency, we engage the supernatural aid of the Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence.
Congruency is essential to manifesting positivity and magnetizing the law of Beneficence. Congruent-positivity is a precursor to Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence. This is the key to creating success. Congruency is composed of the alignment of our thoughts, feelings, actions and spirit. Synergistic they infuse and fuel our Deepest Desires. Beneficence is not a random occurrence, nor is it a personal one. The Universal Law of Ever Expanding Beneficence is available to each and every one of us tied to thoughts, feelings and behaviors congruent with our Deepest Desires. The challenge? Can you trust yourself? Will you honor Deepest Desires? I know reading this most will say, “Oh yes, I’ll honor my Deepest Desires.”
The dilemma of committing to our Deepest Desires leads into another tired and over-used saying, “If this was easy everyone would do it.” But there is another factor. Can you fathom inherent in your Deepest Desires is well-being that will bless lives; radiating out ripples of happiness? Can you lightly, yet seriously, hold the responsibility of your Deepest Desires? The Fairy Godmother created the first change in Cinderella’s life by encouraging her to name, explore and expand upon her Deepest Desires. Remember the seeds of our happiness are hidden away in our Deepest Desires. Therefore the path to joy requires first of all an identification of our dreams.
This is the first time since her parent’