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Focusing: The Second Key to Happiness
The Second Key to Happiness: Focusing on harmony, health and success will bring us more harmony, health and success.
When the Fairy Godmother materialized in Cinderella’s impoverished life she didn’t spend time sorting out Cinderella’s ongoing conflicts. She didn’t ask psychiatric questions designed to measure if Cinderella was oriented to time and place. She didn’t drill her with the impossible task of counting back from one hundred by sevens. She didn’t diagnosis her with DSM VI. She didn’t evaluate Cinderella for suicidal tendencies or assess her for anti-depressants. The two of them did not review Cinderella’s childhood traumas.
Why? Focusing on traumas ingrains them in our biology. I am not suggesting we ignore traumatic events. It is important to bring compassion to our injured parts. The story of Cinderella takes place when she is ready to change her life. It’s not the time for an emotional autopsy. It is a time of setting aside the pains of the past and moving forward unencumbered by traumas. As a result the Fairy Godmother did not explore Cinderella’s relationship with her father. They didn’t analyze why he chose to marry a wicked woman. She did not mention Cinderella’s grief over her mother’s death. Nor did she commiserate with Cinderella about her impoverished, even destitute circumstances. Why? Because putting our attention on what we don’t want gives us more of what we don’t want. This is not higher math. What we feed with our attention grows.
So, if the Fairy Godmother avoids Cinderella’s conflicts, ignores her pain, if she does not console and sympathize with her what did the Fairy Godmother do? How is she successful transforming Cinderella’s life?
Creating happiness requires a simple truth. Notice what’s good. Take the time to savor what is already good. After I wrote the first version of The Way of the Fairy Godmother but, before I wrote the present version, I went through a dark time. In the midst of financial losses including the loss of my home I had three, progressively serious back surgeries. I was living in a townhouse by the airport directly under the landing pattern in a neighborhood routinely enveloped in swamp gas. I never knew passenger jets could get so low. I could almost reach out and touch the monsters spewing their trail of grit. In these surroundings my physical symptoms worsened. Walking across the living room became a challenge. Losing motor control and endurance I was unable to participate in life’s basic chores. Scheduled for my second surgery I was adrift, in pain and neurologically deteriorating. I took spectacular falls.
Recuperating after surgery I lost myself in TV and reading. Friends had disappeared with the loss of my assets. Suddenly my dog’s health took a turn for the worst. The vet recommended putting him down. Defeated I agreed. Weeks later, in a moment of clarity I regretted acting precipitously. I wondered could I have saved his life with a course of steroids and antibiotics? Heart broken, slow to recover from surgery, I was out of money. It was a dark time. I was spiraling into places we should avoid.
I needed to savor something that was good and already inherent in the details of my life. But I was tired. My positive focus would need to be doable on low resources. I decided on a simple intervention. I sat outside on sunny winter days on a sheltered bench in front of my apartment. I could savor the light and the warmth of the Arizona sun. A small change, it was enough to build optimism and had the added benefit of hiding the stark white of my cheeks. I had an intention to build goodness in my life. I matched the intention with a tangible behavior. I savored the light and warmth. I committed to repeating the behavior. With the help of warmth and sunlight over the course of a few weeks I was able to build a positive disposition which led to positive behaviors and eventually changes in my life.
During the second visit from the Fairy Godmother Cinderella perceives her surrounded with effervescent beauty. Her beauty is a force of nature, startling Cinderella before she falls into admiration. Reflecting on a moment of beauty is like making a deposit in the bank of our personal reserves. Beauty can calms us. Beauty can soothe the pains of our past. You might notice I’m equivocating. I don’t want to misrepresent beauty, because beauty can have countless faces, and some of them are terrifying. Right now, for the purposes of our discussion, beauty as in a vase of flowers, lifts our spirits. Cinderella gazes at the Fairy Godmother’s beauty and it elevates her out of the toxicity of her negative environment. In relishing the Fairy Godmother’s radiance Cinderella is momentarily liberated from her life of endless drudgery. Just as I was momentarily liberated sitting on the bench in the light and warmth of the sun.
Instead of talking about problems the Fairy Godmother points out what is wonderful in Cinderella’s environment. Walking through the garden together the Fairy Godmother invites Cinderella to notice the warmth of the sun on her skin, and to feel the earth beneath her feet. She comments on the color and fragrance of roses blooming. Bees buzz around the honeysuckle. She points out the splendor of the extra-large pumpkin growing in the kitchen garden. These are some of the resources Cinderella will re-purpose to build her sovereignty and find her way to the ball, her first date with the Prince. Already she knows the roses and honeysuckle distilled will become her new perfume.
Before beginning their work, during their walk through the garden, the Fairy Godmother points out what is positive, favorable and functioning well in Cinderella’s world. From this point of strength Cinderella and the Fairy Godmother begin. But, what makes the Fairy Godmother so special? The Fairy Godmother lives in the realm of Fairy dedicated to the magnificence of the authentic, essential self. Many of us have lost our connection with our essential selves. There are a few people who knew from childhood their purpose and meaning in life. Like the boy down the street who knew he would become a doctor. For most of us finding our purpose and joy in life will take time. We’ll go through periods of shedding identities to claim new ones. For example, when my son was two years old every time we saw the garbage truck we had to stop and watch the truck do its work. Scott sighed with happiness and said, “When I grow up I’m going to be a garbage truck driver.”
Before his senior year in college, he spent the break at an internship at Point Magoo Naval Air Station. They were studying how to use the resonance of magnets to defuse bombs. Think of the countless saved lives and body parts. Scott is still interested in technology but it has a new form and purpose. In part, Scott developed his dreams, by mastering childhood computer and video games. The fantastic ideas of fantasy-fiction-like-games, they morph into the world of technology. After he completed homework assignments, I gave Scott free rein with his video games. It was our secret. We live in an era where mothers limit their child’s exposure to all things video and computer out of fear of their influence. For me, I find the line between destiny and free choice complex. I could not claim to know the skills Scott would need in his adult life. I honor the connection between fate and free choice by following passionate interests. Potentially Scott was developing expertise for his future by following his interests. I committed to letting him explore his passion.
How do we find our essential self? The same way Scott did, follow what brings us joy and find ways to bring what we love into our daily life. Put attention on what we love and use it for good. Imagine the peace we might feel to breathe while one with our hopes and desires. Imagine the joy of spending time and attention engaged in what we love. Yes, we have commitments. I’m not suggesting we ignore daily chores. Let’s take care of life and where possible weave in what brings us joy. Do you love fashion? Maybe a first job would be in a clothing store. Or visit the internet. Is there a program teaching how to design clothes? The teachings of the Fairy Godmother require actualizing our Deepest Desires as the foundation of our personal happiness. This is the hero’s journey. It will take every resource we have and ask for more.
How do we avoid falling into the trappings of success that leave us hungry? How do we remember beauty and success is not in the color of our skin? It’s not in the size of our private parts. Beauty and success is not in the car we drive, the prestigious job, or the home we live in. All these outer features can be reflections of our well-being when they are connected to the expression of our Deepest Desires for the good and well-being of self and others. The trappings of success become meaningful when connected to our purpose in life. Countless people have been disappointed by collecting the outward trappings of beauty disconnected from the authentic self. Ask Cinderella’s stepmother and stepsisters.
In the Fairy world individual behavior is born out of the natural requirement to create beauty. That’s all they do in the Realm of Fairy, they make beauty. They have infinite words used to describe beauty. There are the subtle beauties of night blooming jasmine as it floats through the open window and across our skin during the sleep of summer nights. There are beauties that steal the breath right out of our lungs, like the explosion of joy with first love. The eerie beauty of howling coyotes across the silent moonscape of Saguaro cactus and desert ravines, or the shimmer of power rippling through a Fairy circle, and the scent of the Pine trees against the endless blue sky: beauty is everywhere. There is the beauty we find delving deeply into the body through a sport or as I did in yoga. Losing ourselves in the flow of movement held together by a whispered prayer. Walking the razors edge of our abilities, reaching to encompass more, our efforts could be kinetic, mental or emotional. The razors edge, of what we know and don’t know, is the mother of innovation. Last night I felt the beauty of my sweet golden doodle standing next to me as I moved to the edge of sleep. The gentle whiff of air through his nose blew across my face. Is he standing guard? After my third back surgery and my loss of coordination, I found aggravated beauty in the love of my husband every time he ran to pick me up after I fell. And the narration goes on endlessly. Contrasting beauties, extravagant beauties, terrible beauties, beauties that nourish the body, beauties that nourish the soul; they all have a symphony of words to describe them in the border between human and Fairy language. The Fairy Godmother carries the geography of beauty within her totality. She makes her personal choices born out of her Deepest Desire to create beauty. Her surrounding environment reflects and supports her desires. It is from this internal and external topography the Fairy Godmother converses with Cinderella.
Stress can choke the life out of the moment. Just to shift her attention away from her unremitting, erosive and suffocating stress Cinderella was able to breathe easier. Yes, relief is as close to us as shifting our attention. The Fairy Godmother knows resources, previously unrecognized, will be revealed when Cinderella is no longer strangled in her stress. As the Fairy Godmother focused Cinderella toward Positive Possibilities she knows Cinderella will transform her tattered dress by encasing herself within her personal beauty. Once Cinderella claims her strength, when she picks up her personal authority and apprentices to beauty, everything she wears is stunning. Even her rags become chic and stylish. Yes, this really happens. Has there been a time that you’ve seen, in person or in pictures, people standing tall, emanating beauty while impoverished amidst a catastrophe? Look to the photos of National Geographic Magazine.
In the presence of the Fairy Godmother Cinderella finds herself amidst her dreams, dazzled. She pictures herself dancing with her Prince surrounded by the light of a thousand candles and the soft glow of moon beams. She envisions herself sharing love and receiving love. She imagines the Prince affirming his need to love her and be loved in return. Cinderella is swept away with the Positive Possibilities of her imagination. That’s what Deepest Desires do. They delight and dazzle us. They relocate us in the landscape of Positive Possibilities. Can you conceive Cinderella’s relief?
Adopting the Fairy Godmother lifestyle as a symbol of happiness buffers us. We avoid becoming enmeshed in negative, stressful or unwanted situations. Focusing on negative, stressful and unwanted circumstances concretizes the negative, stressful and unwanted circumstances. Eventually they’ll morph into fossilized, semi-permanent structures, all the way through our bodies and spirit. We’ll literally live in a self-made prison of unhappiness and depression. Every time we are lost in the pains of the past, or present, we are creating the biology of stress and pain reinforced (drum roll please) by more stress and pain.
Lost in the pains of the past is vastly different, an alternate universe, from problem solving or the skills of calming and soothing that are helpful during stressful events. What? You’ve never heard of the skills of calming and soothing? Yes! That’s my point! Our attitudes, the influences of our environments, our behaviors, they are reflected in our bodies and souls. Yet how many of us know the skills of calming and soothing or the skills of good decision-making? The past, present and future are an experiment and we are the biological laboratory. What we concoct is up to us individually and with partners in the creation of life. It’s dazzling to realize how much power we have over our reactions and even circumstance. The simplest changes, i.e. sitting in the sun for ten minutes a day, can shift our futures toward something brighter.
Occasionally the burdens of the moment are too great to bear. We might need to collapse, (oops!) rest, where we are; even if it’s crushed under the weight of a disability, a failed relationship or the loss of a loved one. But when we’re ready to pick up the threads of our lives it’s important to develop the skill of shifting our attention toward savoring the good in life. We each have the power to relieve despair and regain the abilities to concoct peace. We learn the various, day to day recipes and attune to the ingredients of peace. One day it’s a pinch of acceptance. The next day resolve is the main ingredient. Too often we let our challenging circumstances define us. We ignore even the cool soothing air next to our skin or the path of a cleansing, restorative breath. The more we can collect moments of harmony and beauty— however fleeting—the more harmony and beauty there will be to collect. Appreciating harmony and beauty (I use these words interchangeably with joy, happiness or fill in the blank with your own special word…) wherever we can find it, is an essential feature of happiness. The secret is finding the good and enhancing it with our attention.
Cinderella lives surrounded by people who do not have her best interests at heart. Her efforts to create beauty, born from the kindness of her essential self, are ignored and trampled on. She protected herself from hopelessness by daydreaming about love. In this case Cinderella reaches outside the constraints of daily life seeking a better way. After mourning her parent’s death and struggling through the Great Silence she refused to be drawn into the abyss of negativity. She earnestly focuses on beauty. This attitude became habitual and natural to Cinderella. Ultimately it is her saving grace. Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year Cinderella stayed present to the harmonics in the creation of beauties. She pursued love and beauty simply for the inherent value of love and beauty.
This requirement to persevere through the period of relentless effort, the Great Silence is balanced by pursuing our Deepest Desires for their inherent value. We are consumed with manifesting our Deepest Desires but our efforts disappear with little or no effect in the outer world. In the Great Silence we do not see the fruits of our labors. There is not yet the momentum of Positive Possibilities built up over time into a foundation. Deepest Desires need roots allowing them to flower from a strong stem. The network of roots is invisible in the outer world. A Great Silence can last for an indefinite period of time ranging from days to years. However long the Great Silence lasts in the time-space continuum of our personal life it feels like eternity. To endure beyond the Great Silence each of us pursues Deepest Desires for the value of the pursuit, the engagement of our strengths and the positive feelings and emerging mastery that come with engagement and pursuit.
Cinderella’s positive attitudes wired love through the fabric of her personal strengths. She carries the vibration of love in her behavior, in her nature, in her personal strengths, her feelings and in her outlook on life. Connected to her strengths Cinderella constructs a foundation on which to build her happiness. As a result, when the Fairy Godmother arrives she is ready and open to receive the teachings. The first step is to identify our Deepest Desires. The second step is to utilize our personal strengths in service to our positive goals! Occasionally we only need permission to refocus our attitudes. The Fairy Godmother’s appearance provides Cinderella with the external authorization to pursue her dreams. Whether we find our go-ahead internally or externally the next step toward a life of well-being is to design behaviors congruent with our attitudes and goals that are wired into personal strengths. Why? Because people like exercising personal strengths. To say it in plain English, we like doing what we are good at. We like getting better and feeling mastery emerge.
Personal strengths in conjunction with Deepest Desires along with congruent thoughts, feelings and behaviors is a potent recipe to manifest the Positive Possibilities that create happiness. Think of it like this: Pour into the mixing bowl your Deepest Desires, and personal strengths. Add in congruent thoughts, feelings and actions. Stir and bake. In other words apply time and effort, the heat that solidifies and evolves Deepest Desires into physical manifestation. It all started when the Fairy Godmother gave Cinderella permission to claim her Deepest Desires and she did!
These are the questions we might ask ourselves: Do I have someone who acts as a Fairy Godmother? What form does the Fairy Godmother take in my life? (Hint: Sometimes our challenges are the Fairy Godmother in disguise.) Can I build a Fairy Godmother? Can I become my own Fairy Godmother? What would a Fairy Godmother look like in my world?
This is the Second Key to Happiness: Focusing on harmony, health, joy and success will bring us more harmony, health, joy and success.