The day of the operation passed almost in a total blur for James. He couldn’t manage to shake off a feeling of fogginess that had enveloped his mind. He had slept badly, and just couldn’t seem to concentrate. He tried his best to do his bit, giving encouraging words, and keeping a sympathetic face on him, but he didn’t really feel like he was a part of it all. He felt like he was outside of himself, and watching the proceedings from a distance. It was all happening to another person, in somebody else’s life. He was a mere onlooking, not one of the main participants. There was a lot of sitting around in waiting rooms, and getting things from the vending machines, but it all seemed to him like it was someone else doing it. Maybe he had switched on the autopilot, and his body was going through the motions, without any need for commands from general headquarters? It felt like he was just drifting through the day, without really experiencing it. It wasn’t until early evening when Lucy started to wake up, in the recovery ward, that James actually managed to focus his attention. Lucy hadn’t wanted to tell her aunty about the cancer, James wasn’t sure why, so there were just the three friends there. Well, two friends , and the love of her life, depending on how you looked at it.
‘Hey there, can you hear me?’ spoke Vicky, softly. ‘We are all here with you, my darling girl, just relax, don’t fight it. I know how hard it feels when you start to come out of the anesthetic.’
Lucy’s eyes were opening and closing, and she was turning her head from side to side. James put his hand on the side of her head.
‘Hi, Lucy, It’s me. Hey, take it easy, you’ll be fine. Just let yourself wake up slowly. Don’t get agitated.’
The nurse who had been in the room left immediately, no doubt with the intention of getting the surgeon who had performed the operation.
‘My God, I feel terrible. I’ve got such a bad headache. Have they told you anything?’
Emma kissed Lucy’s hand.
‘No, they can’t. We aren’t family, so we have to wait until they tell you.’
The nurse came back into the room with the surgeon close on her heels.
‘Welcome back, Miss Belmore, how do you feel?’
‘Really terrible, doctor, I’ve got such a bad headache.’
The surgeon turned to the nurse, and nodded. She understood immediately what the doctor wanted, without the need of a spoken word, and quickly left the room.
‘Well, alright, we can sort that out for you. Nurse will bring you something shortly. Do you feel up to discussing the operation? I know you approve of your friends being present. Or would you prefer to wait until your headache has passed?’
As usual her specialist was a man of few words, and a great abundance of seriousness. This was a man who lived according to a strict code of conviction. This was a man who would make love with a look of grim determination on his face. He would follow all procedures correctly, and successfully bring to a conclusion the undertaking.
‘No, please, tell me how it went. I would rather know straight away.’
The nurse entered the room with a small plastic cup, half full of a liquid. She helped Lucy to sit up a bit, and held the cup to Lucy’s lips as she drank it.
‘Thank you, so much.’
The surgeon, as was his way, wore his very austere looking expression. It was without a doubt the only expression he had in his repertoire, but he certainly did it well. James felt a strong sense of foreboding. He was absolutely sure the news was going to be bad. He knew he had to concentrate, to force himself to be present. He would be called upon. His participation would be required.
‘Unfortunately when we operated we saw just how far the cancer has spread. We removed the main tumour, and as much of the infected tissue around it as we could, but we could see that it has spread right around into the pancreas as well. We went as far as we could from an operational point of view. From here on in the best course of action is to put you on a cycle of chemotherapy, and also some radiation therapy. I would like to start you on that as soon as you are up to it. Let’s wait a week, or so, for you to recover from the operation, and then we will get moving on the next phase. How does that sound to you? Do you have any questions?’
Lucy just looked at him with a stunned expression on her face. Emma gripped her hand tightly, and turned to the doctor.
‘Can I ask you, please give us a straight answer, how do you see the prognosis?’
‘Well, that depends a lot on how each individual reacts to the treatment schedule, everyone has a different result depending on many factors, however I can see that there definitely is a lot of room for optimism in this case. Let’s get the treatment started, and take it from there. What do you say?’
James wasn’t very satisfied with the vague phrases used by the doctor, but wasn’t really sure if he should press the issue. He knew he had to find out more. Chances were that they wouldn’t see this surgeon again. He pushed for a clearer understanding of Lucy’s eventual outcome.
‘In a case like Lucy’s how would the patient normally respond to that treatment? What would be the general expectation for someone in Lucy’s specific situation?’
‘Each case follows a different course, it’s very hard to specifically tell....’
‘Are we talking years, months, or weeks?’ interrupted Vicky loudly, sounding very frustrated with the noncommittal response of the surgeon. ‘Just tell us straight, please!’
The doctor stopped in his tracks for a few seconds, and he looked around the faces of Lucy’s friends. His erect posture softened slightly.
‘Months.’
The group made a collective gasp, as the reality of the situation set in. Lucy seemed lost in a fog of incomprehension. She looked at Emma, who was still gripping her hand tightly, and saw the tears flowing down her friend’s face. James moved closer to Lucy, and kissed her on the forehead. He felt so devastated by the news that he couldn’t speak. He buried his head in her hair, as their cheeks touched, and let the tears come. He had been expecting bad news, but nothing could have prepared him for this. Lucy had barely a few months to live. Silence reigned in the room, as no one could think of any words fitting for the situation. In fact, there were no words. It was one of those situations where words had lost all meaning, and their use would have been totally superfluous. The three friends all crowded around Lucy, and showed their love for her with their gestures, kisses, and hugs. The specialist, realising the gravity the news had had on them all, turned on his heels, and left the room. A deafening silence reverberated around the room.
----------
The period following the operation had been very hard for Lucy. She cried a lot, by herself, and with her friends. She looked for a reason for it all, but soon realised that there was no reason. It had just happened. She had to accept it. Her life, that which remained, had to go on. Not that there were many other options available to her. It had been thrust on her, and she had to shoulder the burden, and continue as best she could. Within a few weeks of the operation Lucy had settled into her new routine. Her new life, her new reality. The reality of the condemned prisoner awaiting execution. Her crime? Nothing other than to have been chosen at random. Her number had come up in the way other people’s numbers came up when they won the lottery. She had won the negative version of the lottery. Life’s lottery. Her cycle’s of chemotherapy, interspersed with radiation therapy, had been ongoing for only about a week, so she didn’t yet feel the sickness that she knew would be coming, with the side effects of all the treatment. She was quite surprised at how easily she had adapted to her new life, that of a person waiting for death’s call. A person who’s life, and hopes, had been dashed forever. In reality she had never really fully recovered from the numbness that had descended on her as the death sentence had been read out. Her mind was constantly flooded with an array of different thoughts, all mingling together. She thought a lot about never seeing her two best friends again, and how hard it was going to be for them. Most of all, she was struck by the sheer irony of having found the love of her life, just in time to die, without having time to enjoy the future she had expected to have with him. Oddly absent was a feeling of sadness for herself. She felt as if her whole life, all the sadness, and the loneliness that she had suffered, had been preparing her for this moment. Nobody could have been better prepared than her, for a situation like this. Maybe that had been why she had been chosen? Maybe the selection process hadn’t been random at all? She had been selected because she had been in training for this moment all her life. She was like an athlete who had been preparing for the big event ever since she had been a child. Dedicating her life to that one big finale. Even the fact that her parents had died when she was young seemed to fit into that theory. One of the stepping stones to her annihilation. Part of her preparation for the final goal. Sometimes she almost laughed out loud at the thought of having finally found happiness, just before it was all to end. A final, last blast of enjoyment, before losing everything. She was the condemned prisoner given the choice of her last meal, anything she wanted, before her execution. Lucy had chosen love, the one thing that had always eluded her. She couldn’t really decide whether it was a cruel twist of fate, or whether it was actually a good thing. After all, it would definitely have been even worse to have died without ever really having known happiness, and feeling the love that was now in her. At least now she knew that she had lived, no matter how briefly. Before dying, she had lived. Sitting there, surveying the beautiful view from her aunty’s patio, she found the peacefulness of the setting very conducive for analysing, with clarity, the situation she found herself in. She thought about her life, and her approaching death. She thought about everything, trying to make some sense of it all, if there was any sense to be made. Lucy had decided to pay a visit to her aunty before it was too obvious that she was sick. They didn’t really see each other that often so this would buy her some time, without having to explain it all to her aunt. As usual, her aunty was pottering around in the garden, making sure everything was ready to survive the winter weather. She always had so much to do in that little garden, impossible as that always seemed. Looking at her aunty she was glad that she hadn’t told her about her cancer. Their strange relationship was only based on the fact that they were relatives. They had never formed a real bond, or friendship. They had only the forced bond of family. They had been born with the obligation to be in each other’s life, whether they wanted to, or not. Two people, chosen at random, who were expected to spend a lot of time in each other’s company, for unknown reasons. Lucy knew that if she told Claire about her disease, her aunty would feel duty-bound to play her role, the role the Gods had determined for her, and that she would then feel obliged to make a fuss of helping her. Lucy didn’t want someone helping her, or offering their sympathies, just because it was expected of them. That all seemed so false to her. She preferred to continue with their casual, breezy relationship, as long as she could manage to. Lucy smiled to herself as she remembered the fear she had felt at the thought of turning into her aunty. Running around, pretending not to be aware of how empty her life was. Filling her life with her constant gardening, and radio’s blaring, with the television always booming forth. At least she now knew that she had escaped that destiny. Was that a good thing? It definitely wasn’t a bad thing.
‘Can I get you something, dear?’
Aunty Claire almost blurted out the words as she flew past Lucy, on her way into the house.
‘No, thanks, I’m fine!.’ Lucy had to call her answer into the house. Her aunty had always had that strange habit of just out of the blue flying into the house, to then reappear after a couple of moments. Another odd habit that now didn’t need to worry Lucy. It was really strange how cold, and almost unaffected she felt about her approaching death. Her whole life, probably since the death of her parents, had been preparing her for this moment. That moment had arrived. Her training was complete. The only part of it that really worried her was the fear of the pain she would have to suffer, when the end drew nearer. That did worry her, a lot. Also, it seemed to be so totally unnecessary. If it was all going to end anyway, why would she need to suffer so terribly? That was really going to be a problem. That part, alone, weighed heavily on her mind. As usual, within a couple of minutes aunty Claire was back in her garden, furiously poking at something or other.
‘Actually, you know, aunty, I will have a cup of tea. I’ll make it. Do you want one too?’
‘Oh, that would be lovely, Lucy. Help yourself, you know your way around. There are some freshly made biscuits in the biscuit jar, on the sideboard.’
Lucy went through the lounge room, with the television blaring, and into the kitchen, only to find herself deafened by the radio. In fact, she could barely differentiate one from the other, with the deafening cacophony of noise, caused by the combination of the both of them. She had no interest in listening to the person at that time moaning about some annoying triviality in his life, so she turned the radio off, and filled up the kettle. By mistake, possibly because she was still in a state of confusion caused by all the insufferable noise, or more probably due to the deep reflections that had been dominating her thoughts, she opened the wrong cabinet door, looking for the tea cups. She was very surprised to be confronted by five full bottles of gin, and a half empty one. Lucy had always known that her aunty liked the occasional gin, or two, but hadn’t really expected to find so many bottles stocked up. Maybe there had been a good discount on? But even during a sale, so many bottles seemed a bit excessive. She sneaked a look out of the window, and saw her aunty deeply immersed in whatever she was doing in the garden. Then, out of curiosity Lucy went to the rubbish bin, which was placed in a little alcove off to the side of the kitchen. As soon as she opened the lid a gasp came from her mouth. Among all the assorted rubbish, she could clearly see parts of three empty bottles of gin. She immediately burst out laughing. Talk about aunty’s little secret! Oddly, she found that instead of being appalled by this discovery of her aunty Claire’s secret life, she was surprisingly pleased about it. It was quite comforting to her to know that her aunty had at least some amount of enjoyment in her life, even if that was in the form of being a functioning alcoholic. Obviously she could control it, because her house was always clean, and she managed to keep all the plates spinning, and the cogs of her life turning. Lucy just couldn’t believe the incredible discovery she had made. She was absolutely amazed. She would have never guessed that her aunty was an alcoholic. Never had she seen any signs of abnormal behaviour, well, apart from her obsession with the garden, but that obviously had nothing to do with excessive amounts of gin. Barely managing to hold back the laughter, she prepared the tea and biscuits for the two of them. She prepared everything on a tray, and took it out to the garden table, under the patio. Even though it was early winter, it was a lovely sunny day, although slightly cool. Oddly Lucy felt a sort of elation. It was strange really, considering she had so little time left to live. It was almost as if she had only really discovered what life really was, with all it’s depths, it’s complexities, and it’s beauty. It felt good to be alive. After her deep musing on her situation, she had come to a conclusion on her best course of action. She was determined to live, and love, for every moment, every second that she had left.
‘I must say, you’re looking pretty happy today,’ said her aunty. ‘Does that have something to do with that young man you told me about?’
‘Yes, that’s right, aunty, we are actually getting on quite well together.’
‘I’m so happy for you, dear, how lovely. He certainly does seem like a nice chap.’
The two of them sat there, with their tea, and biscuits, both of them hiding their secrets from the other. They were like two strangers who had met on a train, exchanging cursory pleasantries. Lucy reflected on how lucky she had been to have found two great friends, like Emma, and Vicky. They were her real family, they always had been. Life, which she had always found hard to navigate, and had considered to have been hard on her, in the end had really been quite good to her. It was only with the executioner’s hands hovering over her that she had finally realised all that had been given to her. The approach of the Grim Reaper had dispersed the fog that had drifted endlessly through her thoughts, and now brought her such vivid clarity, that she could really appreciate the good things in life that she had. For many years she had wallowed in her sadness, and loneliness, when really she had been given the gift of the two best friends anyone could ever have wished for. She almost laughed at the thought of what it had taken for her to realise the good things that she actually had in her life. She spluttered out a bit of tea as she thought about how ironic it all was. She was finally understanding life, only because it was about to end.
‘Sorry Aunty, I think a bit of biscuit must have gone down the wrong way.’
----------
Watching his friend packing his bags brought a wave of sadness over James. Everything around him was a total disaster zone. Everything was falling apart. How could life crash and burn, so quickly? Just a few short months prior everything had been going so well. In fact, it had been the best summer James had had for a long time. Now, everything had exploded in his face. Nothing was as it had been, and it seemed like those days were gone, permanently. Things would never been the same again. All of their lives had been turned upside down, shaken to pieces, and then thrown back on the ground in whatever form they found themselves in. How was it that so much could change, in such a short period of time?
‘When you are settled in I will pop over for a few drinks. A bit of a house warming, what do you say? We’ll baptise the new digs in a fitting manner.’
Dave looked up from his bag, and with a forced smile replied,
‘Sure, man, that would be good.’
Dave seemed so beaten, so crushed by the heavy weight that had descended on him. The weight that had descended on him really by his own hand. He had pulled on one string too many, and the hovering weight had dropped like a ton of bricks onto him. James had never seen his friend like this. Dave had always been strong, and funny. He had always placed himself at the centre of attention, and had always been ready with a witty remark to fire at all and sundry. Not so anymore. Now he had the demeanour of a dog that had been whipped into submission. In his eyes James could see the pain he was carrying inside.
‘How is the new place? Nice?’
‘Hey, nothing special. Just a small place. It’s pretty close to the old place, so I will be able to see Penny a lot. That’s the main thing.’
With the strain he was living under Dave seemed to have aged ten years. James didn’t really know what to say to him at this point, so he just kept up with their usual banter, trying to put some life back into his friend.
‘You know, I’m pretty sure that you and Maureen will be able to get past this. I reckon you will be able to sort something out. You both probably just need some time. Hey, work at it slowly, I’m sure she’ll come around.’
Dave slumped down on an armchair, and smiled wryly at his friend.
‘You’re a good lad, you know. What with everything you are going through with Lucy, you still have time for me. I really appreciate that, man. I know you want the best for me, for all of us, but this one isn’t going to get fixed. This time I really screwed up big time. Maureen will never forgive me. She will never take me back. She said as much, and she really means it. She still wants me to be a big part in Penny’s life, and will do everything necessary to make that happen, but between us it is finished. Kaput. End of story. I don’t know what the hell came over me, but I somehow managed to ruin my life in three easy steps.’
James knew perfectly well that what Dave was saying was true. Maureen wasn’t the sort of person to waver. He had really only been trying to give his friend a lifeline of hope. Something to cling to. Something to aim for, no matter how impossible that aim would be to realise. He decided to change tack.
‘What about the situation with Vicky? How’s that all going?’
‘I don’t know, man. I think we just both got carried away with the whole sexual side of things. It was all new and exciting, and we both went a bit off the rails. Anyway, even if she wanted to continue things, which it looks like she doesn’t, I really just want to try and sort myself out. The main thing for me now is Penny. She’s really confused about all these changes. I don’t think she has really understood what’s going on, and I want to see her as much as possible, to help her through all this. The main priority for me now is Penny. I don’t want to mess that up as well. I just couldn’t stand to lose her as well.’
James could see how much his friend was suffering. His heart really went out to him.
‘Don’t be silly, you will always be her dad. You’ve always been a great father, and you always will. Nothing is going to change there.’
Dave hung his head, and sighed.
‘I hope so. That’s why I got a place near them. I want her to come over to my place, and me to go there. I want us to be together as much as before, well, as much as possible anyway.’
Dave looked at James with almost imploring eyes.
‘Shit man, how the bloody hell did I manage this? What in the devil’s name came over me? Maureen, man, I had Maureen. How could I have been so bloody stupid?’
James didn’t have a reply for that one. Well he did, just not one that he would say to his friend. In fact, he remembered warning him about the possible consequences, not that he was going to bring that up. Dave had enough on his plate without him putting in the boot as well. He sat there watching as Dave returned to the job of packing up the last of his things. He wondered if he should try and talk to Maureen about it all. She probably knew that Dave had met Vicky sort of because of him. Would she blame him as well? Would she listen to him? Probably not. They had become good friends over the years, but not to the extent that they could talk out things on this level. Probably he would be better off just keeping his nose out of it all. In all honesty, Dave was probably right anyway. Maureen was a strong, determined woman. He doubted that she could accept something like this from a man she had loved, and had wanted to spend her life with. She would have expected more, much more. Dave really had ruined things, big time. James just couldn’t believe how tenuous life could be. Things could change so fast. One of the best summer’s of his life had somehow mutated into the worst winter of everyone’s lives. A nuclear bomb had gone off in his living room. The resulting nuclear winter had brought misery to just about everyone he knew, and cared for. The fall out had spread far and wide. Nobody had been spared. Life could be incredibly harsh. When change happened, it could just instantly wipe out everything you once knew. Everything that you had taken for granted could be demolished in the space of a few seconds. Things you had always expected to be there could just disappear in the blink of an eye.
‘What about you, man? Just as you were about to break things off with Lucy, that all got pretty crazy too. Are you still going to try and get out of that relationship, or what? The timing would make you look pretty bad, almost as bad as me, and that’s really saying something.’
‘No, no. Listen, Lucy is a fantastic girl. She really loves me, and she really needs me now. I’m in. I’m going to put aside all the thoughts of what I wanted, and I am going to be there for her. I didn’t realise what I was getting myself into, but I am going to go with it all the way. Even if I don’t really love her, she means a lot to me, and I am going to play the role that has been assigned to me. I’ll do what needs to be done. She really needs all the help she can get, to make it through this tragedy that has landed on her.’
James meant every word he had said. He would play the part that fate had dished out to him, and he would do it well. Lucy deserved at least that much from him.
‘Good on you, James. You really are a sturdy guy. At least one of us has some decency in him.’
James would do exactly what he had said. He had somehow slipped into a relationship without reasling it, but now that this evil thing had descended on Lucy, he would do his part. He would do the right thing. He would put aside his reservations, and help Lucy in her moment of need. No matter how hard that would be. And it would be hard. James knew that at the end of all this he would never recover. All of this would take an enormous toll on him. He had managed to get back on his feet after the devastation that had entered his previous life, but now this? This would be the end of him. After taking this to it’s inevitable conclusion, James knew that he would never be able to get back on his feet again. He knew he would come out the other end psychologically destroyed. There would be no coming back from this one. Once the nuclear bomb has exploded nothing would ever be the same again. There would be no survivors. Everybody’s lives would be devastated, changed permanently. The one thing he did know was that this would be the biggest test of his life. This situation, and how he dealt with it, would be the defining moment of his existence. How he navigated his way through these murky waters would define who he was, for the rest of his life. He would stand up, and be counted. He would be Lucy’s rock. He would be the strong shoulder for her to lean on, in her time of desperation. He would front up, and do that which was necessary, at whatever emotional cost to himself. When Charlie had died there had been no warning, nothing he could have done to prevent it, or help her through it. It had been so sudden. This time there was plenty of warning, time to help, time to do whatever was necessary, and then some. This time he would do whatever he could.
‘Bloody hell, Jimmy, you look like you need a drink.’
‘Yeah, and a bloody large one, at that.’
The two friends looked at each other, and smiled. Through both of their combined tragedies, they would lean on each other for support, as always. James got up, and headed towards the drinks cabinet