In that precise moment when she collapsed onto the bathroom floor, Lucy realised that something had to change. She knew that she couldn’t continue like that. Things weren’t working, and they needed to be put right. Barely six weeks into her cancer treatment, and there she was, vomiting again, at 4 in the morning. She had been following her treatment regime, as prescribed by her specialist, but all she did was vomit, have massive headaches, and see some of her hair come out each time she brushed it. The side effects of the treatment she was on were worse than the pain of the cancer. She was rapidly approaching the time when she needed to make a decision. A big decision. She had followed the doctor’s advice on the best way to treat her cancer, even though she had never been really sure what, if anything, was the point of it all. There was no chance of a cure for her disease. Probably it had only been because of the ingrained mentality that most people have that the doctor knows best, and the patient, in his ignorance, should blindly follow the instructions given to him. The doctor was always right, he knew these things. We should listen to his words of wisdom. Well, thought Lucy, in this case the doctor had gotten it all wrong. Let him live like this, if he so wished. She raised herself to a sitting position on the cold tile floor, and knew, instinctively, that the time had come. The treatments, which may have prolonged her life by some minimal amount, were actually just ruining what little time she had left. The pain and suffering, from the side effects of the cancer treatment, were actually worse than that of the cancer itself. She would do no more. From that point on the treatments were finished. She was done. The only drugs she would take from then on would be drugs to relieve the pain, as much as possible. More than anything it was the pain that worried her. She had come to terms with the fact that she was dying, but to have to go through so much pain to get there really filled her with dread. Maybe she should just end it all? Why bother dragging it all out? Was there any point in going through so much suffering when the end result would be the same, just maybe a month or two further down the road? Lucy decided to talk to James about it. She knew she could never speak to the girls about something like this, they would appose it strongly, wanting her to fight to the end. They were scared of losing her, scared to say goodbye. Lucy could understand that, but she just didn’t have the strength, or courage, to take on endless amounts of suffering, just for a few days more. A few days more filled with nothing but torture. No, she needed out. As she sat there on her bathroom floor, in the middle of the night, she realised that she needed to come up with a plan to commit suicide. She had to kill herself. How strange it was to think something like that? Really, the thought had been hovering in the back of her mind for some time, in that deep part of the brain where people don’t usually go. In truth she had felt it’s presence, rather like that of a safety net for when all else fails, but this was the first time she had set it free. She needed to face her reality, head on. She had to take her own life.
‘I need to kill myself.’
The words echoed around the bathroom. There, she had said it out loud. It was now a fact.
‘I need to end this.’
A wave of relief came over her. There was a way out of the pain. She didn’t need to suffer. She could end it all, with dignity, without having to torment herself with endless misery. Time was on her side. If she stopped taking the incredibly invasive cancer treatments, she knew she would feel less pain, at least in the short term. She would have time to plan everything, and to quietly say her goodbyes. That was important. Lucy knew that she would have to handle her two lovely angels with kids’ gloves. They would both need to have said their goodbyes, even if at the time they hadn’t realised the finality of the moment, to give them a sense of closure when she was gone. Tears streaked down her face as she felt the love within her for her two friends, and for her lovely James. How many people were really so blessed with so much love in their lives? The combined effect of the love she felt, and the decision she had taken, right there, at that ungodly hour, brought Lucy a feeling of great comfort. She could feel the strength returning to her body, and a feeling of courage grew in her mind. She would take control. It would be her that decided things from that point on. She would decide the path to follow. Not the doctors. It wasn’t them that had to go through it all. It was her, and it would be her decision. Lucy struggled to her feet, and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Hopefully she would be able to hold it down, without having to rush to vomit again. It would be pointless returning to bed, she knew she wouldn’t get back to sleep that night. She wanted to sit quietly with a cup of tea, and plan how she would bring up the subject with James. He would need to know. She would need his help. Lucy hoped that he would understand how she felt, and that this would be the only way for her to alleviate the heavy load she was under. Through the pain she smiled as she thought of her lovely James. Without him to help her through all of the heavy burden she was carrying, she would have been totally lost. Even in this terribly bad situation, there was something positive, a shining light. Something wonderful shone through the darkness of the blight that had descended on her. Through the dense fog that had covered her life, a beacon could be seen, shinning in the distance, showing her the way. A beacon of love that had mercifully been sent to her. She had James.
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They were words that had a strangeness about them. In a way they were words that frightened him. They were words from an unknown place. Words that shouldn’t be spoken out loud. James just couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
‘Absolutely not. How can you even think that? You have to fight this!’
Lucy was talking openly about committing suicide. How could she even think that?
‘James, I’m dying anyway. I don’t mean I have to do it now, but when the pain gets too much, I want to be free. I don’t want to put my friends through all that, and I don’t want to put myself through it either. I want you, Emma, and Vicky to remember me, the real me, not some screaming mass of pain clinging desperately to a life not worth living. The last images of someone you love are the ones that haunt your memories forever. That is the image of a loved one that you always hold in your mind. I don’t want your memories of me to be like that, and what’s more I really don’t want, or need, a few extra weeks of life, if they are just going to be a torture.’
James had been asked by Lucy to go over to her place for a chat. He had gone there in a carefree frame of mind, not realising the deep conversation that Lucy had prepared for him. He had been unprepared for that which awaited him. The world as he knew it was changing. Everything that James had always known was now totally different. The signposts in his life were now written in symbols that he didn’t understand. Now he was confronted with a new, unclear version of Lucy. James could barely recognise her. She had always been so quiet, and rather timid. This new version of her seemed like a totally different person. This new blunt, outspoken version of her really took him by surprise. Her sickness had changed her. She seemed so much stronger, much more sure of herself than before. He didn’t really know how to react. Without a doubt he had known that the sentence of death that had been passed down on her would have changed her, but this, this was completely unexpected.
‘But Lucy, the doctor said that with the course of treatment you are following there could be some...’
‘James! You were in the room!’
Lucy’s outburst was loud, almost angry. Then her voice softened, and she took his hand.
‘James, I am heading towards the end. Those drugs they put me on just made me feel even worse. They were destroying what time I have left. I’ve stopped taking them. Now I will just take medicine for pain relief. I want to spend the last time I have feeling as good as I can, with the people I love, and when the pain gets too much I want to have the courage to say it’s time to quit. I’m not going to tell the girls about this, but I want you to know, and I want to ask you for your help. I don’t think I can carry it out on my own. Will you help me? Please, I need you with me on this. I need your strength to help me through this. This is something I have to do. Please try to understand.’
James’s world had been turned on it’s head. He felt like he was in a dream where nothing is as it seems, and all the people were playing roles alien to them. He had trouble fitting all the pieces together. He didn’t want to let Lucy down, but how could he help her kill herself? She was asking too much from him.
‘You know how much you mean to me, and how much I want to help you, but this is something... this is something I had never really expected to have to deal with, from you, or from anyone else, for that matter. It’s really confusing for me. Please, give me some time to think this through. In any case you said it’s not something you have to do now. Can I have time to reflect on it, and then we will talk again? This is just so unexpected. I just don’t know what to say.’
Lucy saw the pain, and incomprehension on James’s face. She took his face in her hands, and kissed him lightly on the lips. As she pulled away James saw such a sweet smile on her face. In that moment a surge of love for her swept over him. She was so strong, and so at peace with all that she had to confront. It was her who was comforting him, instead of the other way around. Right there, and then, in that moment, he realised that he had fallen in love with her. A strong feeling of love invaded his heart. A warmth flowed through him. He loved her. As the words she had said took meaning within him, he realised that she was right. She had thought this through, and was at peace with her decision. It was her burden to carry, and she had the right to decide how she would carry that burden. She had the right to decide when it was time to release that burden. Of course he would help her. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he looked at her. With all her strength, and beauty, how could he not have realised that she was the right person for him? Why had it taken something like this for him to understand that they were made for each other? In that moment, a moment of profound realisation for James, he knew that Lucy was absolutely right, and that he would give her all the support that he could. James lightly placed his hand on Lucy’s knee. He felt like he could hardly speak.
‘I will do whatever you need. You can count on me.’
James’s voice was broken, and he stuttered slightly as he spoke through his tears. As they sat there on the couch together Lucy rested her head on his shoulder, and put her arms around him.
‘Hey,’ she whispered in his ear, ‘I know I can my darling love.’
Lucy rubbed her hand across his back as James quietly cried.
‘Let’s not talk about it anymore today. You lovely man. You will be my strength. You will be my angel of mercy. You will be my guiding force. My one true love. I know that God brought you to me for a reason. How could I ever have faced all this without your help, without your strength? We will help each other through this. The two of us together. Two people as one.’
James couldn’t speak. He held onto her, and cried. He was being asked things that had never been asked of him before in his life. He was being called upon do do momentous things. Things he wasn’t sure he could do. The only thing he knew with certainty was that he wouldn’t let Lucy down. Wherever this took him, he would go. Whatever he had to do, he would do. He wouldn’t let her down, in her time of need. He would be at her side, helping her with whatever she decided.
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The logs burning in the massive hearth gave the room a feel of an old log cabin, somewhere up in the mountains, rather than that of a pub in the middle of the town. The low lighting only added to the mystique of days gone by. The atmosphere was intimate, and cosy. The distance between tables gave the place a spacious feel, each group secluded in their privacy. The three friends had found a table close to the fire, the warmth radiated through them, and brought further alive their always animated conversation. Emma leaned forward, and put her hand on Lucy’s knee. With a kindness in her voice, and the sweetest of looks on her face, she asked,
‘How are you, my dear friend?’
Lucy, with a broad grin on her face, lifted Emma’s hand from her knee. With a great firmness in her voice, she spoke her mind, addressing both of them.
‘That, my darling friends, will be the only reference to my ‘condition’. Here we are, in great company, in an absolutely marvelous place, I might add, out to have a good chat about all and sundry. All, that is, apart from my..... well, you know what I mean. Let’s just have an ordinary night out, like we always used to. Let’s talk about everything, and anything, except me. Please! Let’s have a night off.’
Emma placed her hand back on Lucy’s knee, and with a cheekiness to her voice replied.
‘How right you are, lovely lady, and that which you desire shall be that which will transpire.’
All three of the friends laughed freely at Emma’s banter.
‘I am with you all the way, Lucy,’ said Vicky, ‘Why don’t we talk about those guys sitting over by the bar?’
Emma sat back, looking slightly annoyed.
‘Maybe we should avoid talking about men, don’t you think? I mean, can we bring up the you, and you-know-who situation? Or is that topic off the table?’
Vicky’s face took on a serious look. Her tone of voice reflected that seriousness.
‘Actually I really would like to explain all that to the two of you. I was very stupid, I can’t really explain what happened, but somehow I found myself in the middle of a crazy illicit affair with Dave. I never went looking for something like that, but just talking with someone new, being with someone who wanted me for sex, and who complimented me on my body, instead of only expecting dinner on the table, and a clean house, well... it all just somehow went to my head. I sort of lost control of myself. Hey, temporary sexual insanity, I guess. That’s my defense plea. Pathetic as it may be. Anyway, I really want to apologise to the both of you. I should never have done that. The whole thing was a massive mistake.’
Lucy was so relieved that the discussion wasn’t about her, for a change. Even though she had taken a couple of extra pain relief tablets before the evening out, she was feeling really sick. She always felt sick. Her feeling of sickness had become her companion, forever at her side. However she was happy to not be at the centre of the discussion. Being, as she was, almost an expert on the repercussions of the Vicky-Dave story, she took advantage of the opportunity to jump right in.
‘Listen, you, there’s nothing you need to apologise to us about, you understand? I must say you are pretty lucky Mike never got wind of the whole thing. That whole situation really blew up in Dave’s face. His life is changed, forever. From what James has told me his wife will never take him back. It’s something she will never be able to get over.’
A dark shadow seemed to pass over Vicky’s face, and her expression became the most serious that Lucy had ever seen from her.
‘Actually, that’s exactly why I got out of that affair. One evening, just sitting at home watching the news on television, of all things, I realised just how much I was risking. Abby was sitting, dozing away in Mike’s lap, and Terry was sitting next to me prattling on about one of his toys, when it all came home to me. It just hit me like a lightning strike out of the blue. What I had come to consider boring, and relentlessly repetitive, was actually the most beautiful life I could have ever imagined. In that moment there was nowhere I would rather have been. No one I would rather have been with. I knew that when we went to bed there would be no sex, that has dried up for a long time now, but I also realised that the life that I have been blessed with goes far beyond the pleasure of some casual physical attraction. Even though,’ she laughed, ‘I must admit, the sex with Dave was actually pretty good. Sorry! But I thought I would just pop that bit of information in there. Seriously though, probably I was attracted to him mostly because it was something new, and vibrant, but oddly enough, I must say, for a bit of a neanderthal man, he was pretty good in bed.’
Emma had a disapproving look on her face.
‘Actually, you can spare us the details, thanks very much. We’ve got the idea.’
Lucy was surprised about how candid her friend was being. In their friendship none of them had ever really opened up about the nitty gritty of their sex lives. It had always been a bit of a taboo subject. Something they steered clear of. In fact most people in general never really talk about what goes on in the bedroom. She found it quite eye opening, if not a little bit embarrassing. For some reason she didn’t really feel she needed to know all the details, but there was no holding Vicky back. She had decided to let it all out.
‘I know that sex with Mike will never be anything exciting ever again. Probably after so many years together that’s just the way it is. Also the kids are always there, and we are usually both worn out by the evening, so I guess I just have to accept that, and concentrate on what I have. What I have though, is actually quite a lot. I have the most beautiful family. I am never going to risk losing that again, ever. I know I have probably let you both down, and have been a disappointment for you, but it just happened. I never went looking for anything like that.’
Lucy was at a bit of a loss. She really couldn’t think of anything to say, although she knew she should say something. In part because Vicky had met Dave as a result of her, but also because her friend had been very open about her feelings, and deserved to have her support. As it turned out though, the surprises hadn’t finished quite yet. Now it was Emma’s turn. She sighed.
‘Well, if I was to be really honest I can understand exactly what you mean. Especially about the sexual side of it all.’
My God, thought Lucy, where on earth is Emma going with this? Things were getting out of hand.
‘You certainly don’t owe anyone an apology. To be frank, if I had your courage I would probably have done the same thing.’
Lucy was beside herself, by this point. Not Emma as well?
‘Emma! What the hell are you talking about?’
‘No, listen will you please? I have never been unfaithful to Jerry, but without a doubt I have thought about it, a lot. There’s a guy at work, he’s married too, and he has been trying it on with me for a long time. I’ve never given in to him, but I have always played along with the sexual banter, with part of me wanting to sleep with him so much, but another part of me, the coward, scared to risk it. Really for the same reasons that you have said, Vicky, everything that I have to lose, if I got caught out. If I knew that I could have gotten away with it, I would probably have given into him a long time ago. You certainly don’t need to justify, or excuse, your actions with me. If I had had half your courage I would have done the same thing. In fact if I ever found myself out drinking with Craig, I have no doubt we would end up in bed. There really is a strange sort of chemistry between us. A real connection. Luckily, I guess, we only see each other at work, so that has never come about. But I have really thought about it a lot, especially when I am lying in bed with your royal highness snoring away beside me. I can’t remember the last time he kissed my breasts, or did anything for me. In bed nothing happens anymore other than just the occasional quicky before he rolls over to go to sleep.’
Lucy’s mind was in a spin. She had thought that she had known her best friends so well. Obviously not. So many secrets. So many things never spoken about. All those years that she had spent so envious of her friends, and the love and fulfillment they had found. All of it just seemed to evaporate before her eyes. In the end she had become the only truly happy one of the three, and she was dying! How strange it all seemed. How odd that they had never broached this subject before. Mind you, she could understand that the dark secrets of the bedroom were possibly a bit of a discussion too far. Such raw intimacy was definitely very private. Anyway, she probably would never even have wanted to have known this side of her friends’ lives. And she never would have, if the affair with Dave hadn’t taken centre stage. Vicky, on the other hand, seemed very relieved about Emma’s confession.
‘Thanks, Emma, thanks for saying that. It means a lot to me. If I can give you any advice, concentrate on what you have, not on what is missing. Jerry and the boys are fantastic. Don’t do anything to put that in danger. Sex is just sex. A family, your children, that just can’t be replaced. Learn from my mistake, even though, luckily, I seem to have gotten away with it. I am so thankful Mike never found out, and I wish now that I had never gotten involved with Dave. It really was the biggest mistake of my life. The most stupid thing I have ever done, believe me, you are missing out on nothing, but would be risking everything you have built up over the years. It just isn’t worth it.’
The three of them fell into an uneasy silence. Emma looked away, she had opened up enough, she wasn’t going to tell the full story. She couldn’t. She couldn’t put into words how cold, and unloving the bedroom had become. She couldn’t bring herself to talk about the betrayal. That was too personal, and too painful for her. Lucy, for her part, had a lot to reflect on. On the one hand she had learnt more than she ever wanted to know about her friends’ sexual lives, but on the other hand, she realised that looking in from the outside at other people’s lives you could never really see the total reality. She had always been so sad in her life that she had imagined everyone else to have had the perfect life, while she, and only she, had suffered with what was missing. She now realised that that hadn’t been the case, and that even her best friends had been fighting with their demons, and hidden secrets. Probably most people carried some sort of secret in the deepest recesses of their minds. Mind you, she thought, talking about secrets. Here she was feeling at odds with the sexual secrets of her friends, and how they had never spoken to her about all of that, when she herself was sitting on the biggest of all secrets. There she was, actively planning to take her life, the biggest of all acts, the biggest of all secrets, and she wasn’t telling them anything about it. How could she hold it against her friends for not sharing their feelings about sex with her, when she was holding back with something much more important? Obviously even the best of friends have parts of their lives which are too private, too intimate, to share with others, even with their greatest friends. Lucy glanced at her two friends, both lost in their own thoughts, and wondered how they would ever be able to cope with her death. Would it be worse for them knowing that she had taken her own life? Or would they understand that she had just been anticipating the inevitable? In either case, she knew that it would be one of the hardest things that either of them would ever have to face. Although, in the end it probably wouldn’t make much difference how it happened, there was no doubt that it was going to happen, sooner or later. Hopefully with the help of their husbands, and children, they would be able to get through it all. She knew it would be devastating for them. They would have each other, and the solidarity of their families to fall back on. It dawned on her that, strangely enough, her part would really be the easiest. She would just end. She would just disappear. Gone. Hopefully she would be able to do that in a nice peaceful way, that was definitely the part she still really needed to work out. However, they would be left for years trying to make sense of it all, and trying to carry on, without her. She felt such sadness at the thought of the pain her two most cherished friends would suffer. Lucy looked at her drink, and realised that she couldn’t think like that. She couldn’t take the weight of the whole world on her shoulders. It was really enough, actually too much, that which she already had to cope with. It would be up to them, in their own ways, in their own time, to pick up the pieces, and to deal with their loss. She had faith in them that they would be able to understand, perhaps with time, that she had had the right to decide how, and when, she would end her suffering. Initially they would quite possibly be angry with her, that they had been excluded from her final moments. No doubt the both of them would have been expecting the usual scene that you see in the movies. The moving scene where family, and friends surround the bed of the dying loved one, and hold her hand as life seeps from her body. The tearful finale. Perhaps they would have better closure after such an experience. Perhaps that would be more helpful to them, to experience that, on their journey towards accepting her loss. Even if that were the case, Lucy knew she didn’t want any of that, neither for herself, nor for the others. She wanted to end it all before the pain got unbearable, and on her terms. She wanted a nice loving, peaceful end, in the arms of her beloved James. She smiled at the thought of him. She had her James.
‘Well, you seem to have taken all this fairly well,’ piped up Emma, ‘it’s nice to see you smile. I rather thought I would have surprised you with my secret sexual fantasies.’
The three of them broke into laughter. The sullen mood was broken.
‘Are you kidding? Of course I was surprised! I had always thought you had, well, both of you really, such happy, contented lives. Now that I think about it, I realise that life holds a lot of surprises for all of us. We just have to do the best we can, and try and make the best decisions possible. I’m just really, really glad that you both have managed to keep your marriages in one piece. Poor old Dave! You have no idea! I get the inside story about him from James. He really is a mess. His life is destroyed.’
Vicky let out a loud sigh, and lowered her head towards the table.
‘Hey you,’ said Lucy, ‘this is not on you. What has happened, has happened. There is no use dwelling on it. Thank your lucky stars that all is well with you, and your family, and go on from there.’
Vicky jumped to her feet, with a massive smile on her face, and hugged Lucy where she sat. She kissed her delicately on her cheek.
‘How wise my beautiful little angel is!’
Tears flowed freely down Vicky’s cheeks. All three of them, now standing, hugged each other as the tears flowed. The unspoken topic firmly in all of their thoughts. Lucy wanted to say something to her friends, but no words came. In any case, in that moment words were superfluous. Their tears spoke for them. Their tears spoke volumes.