Jerry raised is arm over her eyes. The light directly above him seemed to burn into his eyes. The stark light of a barren, soulless hotel room. A place of blandness, and uniformity. A place where everybody was the same. A place where everybody was nobody. He felt contrasting emotions. At the same time he felt both physically satisfied, but also mentally exhausted. Tired, tired of it all. The sex had been just sex. A mere mechanical function, like eating. He liked Melanie, but for some reason the sex just seemed to be something he had to do. No, something he needed to do. It seemed odd to him to have been so unmoved by the sex. So emotionally drained. She was very attractive, funny, and with a hot body. Why did he always feel so distant from the sexual act? With a start Jerry realised the answer. He was having revenge sex. He furtively looked across at Melanie as she was getting dressed, hoping his thoughts weren’t reflected in his face. How was it that he hadn’t realised that before? Melanie finished fluffing up her hair, while looking in the mirror of the hotel room. She really was beautiful, with her tall thin body, and long curly brown hair. She was always happy, a smile always lingering around the corners of her mouth.
‘I really don’t know why you don’t just come to my place, Jerry. It all seems so furtive, and a bit sordid, this hotel side of things. My neighbours don’t know you, and they wouldn’t care anyway. What is it with you and hotel rooms?’
Melanie sat on the side of the bed, where he lay, still naked. She ran her hand through his hair. Her voice turned sexy.
‘Does it turn you on, bringing your lover to a hotel room? Does it get you hot?’
She laughed as she looked at the intense, thoughtful expression on his face.
‘Don’t freak out! I’m only kidding. If you prefer to do it in hotels, that’s fine by me. It just seems like a waste of money, that’s all. Anyway, sorry Jerry, love you to pieces but I really have to go. I’ve got an early start in the morning, and I really have to sleep off all that wine. We’ll chat tomorrow.’
Melanie leaned down, and kissed Jerry on the lips. Without another word she crossed the room to the door, turned and gave him a sweet smile, and a little wave, then left. Jerry looked at his watch. He could wait another half an hour before having to face the coldness of the marital bed that awaited him at home. He rubbed his face with both of his hands. Revenge sex? He was a guy having revenge sex. For some reason the title, the name, the realisation, made him feel strange. Of course he had always known that he was playing around only because Emma had done so first, but actually to call it by that rather ignoble name made him feel somehow small. He was taking the low road. He was being vindictive, and spiteful. He had become someone he had never dreamed of becoming. The sort of person he had always disliked, almost despised. All he had ever wanted had been a family. A couple of kids, and a loving wife. A nice house, in a safe suburb. He worked hard, but that had never bothered him. He had always just wanted to be part of something, something good. He had even been lucky enough to have had two boys, not that he would have minded having a daughter, but he had always wanted boys. He would be able to share sports interests with them, take them camping. Man stuff. He had had it all, well so he had thought, anyway. Then it had all come crashing down. When he had heard of Emma’s relationship with her colleague he hadn’t believed it at first. He had refused to accept it, but his sources were unambiguous. A friend of a friend worked in the same office as them, and there could be no doubt. Jerry’s first instinct had been to find out all about the guy, Craig Patterson, and jump him one dark night, and beat the living crap out of him. The more he had thought that through, the more he had realised that he would have been the prime suspect. The jilted husband seeking revenge on his wife’s lover. He wouldn’t have minded for himself, but the fallout would have had devastating consequences on the boys, so he had reluctantly decided against that. His main priority had to be to look out for his boys. They were all he had left. Emma had left him emotionally anyway, for that Craig bastard. Now he just had the kids. He couldn’t afford to do anything to damage that relationship as well. As a way of dealing with his anger he had looked for relationships, sex, as a way of evening up the playing field. For a while it had made him feel better. Two could play at that game. If that was the sort of marriage she wanted, so be it. But now that this revelation had come to him, this description, this phrase, ‘revenge sex’, he felt petty, a lesser person. He had taken the cowards route. Maybe if he had just talked it over with Emma, they could have worked something out? But how could he have? To be cheated on made him feel so angry. To have put it into words would have taken him to a place from which there would have been no coming back. If he had talked about it with her, put his feelings into words, he knew that the conversation would have snowballed, and would have inevitably led to the end of their marriage, the end of the family unit. He couldn’t do that to his boys. They couldn’t be the ones to suffer for the problems of their parents. For their inadequacies. He looked at his watch. It was time to go. The chill, and emptiness of the marital bed was waiting for him. Hopefully she would be asleep by the time he got in. Each of them turned away from the other, lost in a place of darkness, and cold. Each of them with their sordid secrets. In sadness he got dressed, and prepared himself for his degrading return home. The small man returns.
----------
James’s hands were still cold, even as he rubbed them together trying to get the circulation going. The moment seemed frozen in time, not because of his cold hands, but because of that which he was hearing from Lucy. He could barely recognise her as the person he had known for so long. It was as if a stranger had entered her body, and spoke through her. It looked like her, sounded like her, but that definitely wasn’t the Lucy he had come to know, and finally, love. The words coming out of her mouth just didn’t make any sense to him. It was like she was speaking in a language that he didn’t understand. He had barely sat down at Lucy’s table, when she had started to outline a well thought out plan. A plan to kill herself. A plan for her death, by her own hands. He felt so disoriented, so confused that he couldn’t take any of it in.
‘Slow down will you. I can’t understand any of this. Will you take a breath, please? What pills?’
Lucy fell silent, for a moment, as she looked at him.
‘Sorry, my darling, it’s just that I have been up most of the night thinking this through. At work today I could hardly concentrate on anything else. Let me slow down, and explain it to you. Hold on a second, I’ll put on the kettle, and make us a lovely hot cup of tea. What do you say? You look so cold.’
Cold, thought James, there she was talking about a plan to kill herself, and she could actually ask him if he was feeling cold? Yes, let’s have a lovely cup of tea. That will sort it all out. Maybe some biscuits as well, as we talk about her plan for suicide. James felt a sort of brain freeze in his head. Sure, they had touched on the idea, as a way out of her suffering, but he hadn’t expected anything like this. This was a sort of grocery list of things to do when you want to kill yourself. Tick all the boxes, and then die. Mind you, to be honest with himself, James realised that he had really tried to not think about the subject. Maybe he had thought that by avoiding the subject, it would have all gone away? Lucy disappeared into the kitchen, leaving James alone with his thoughts. Not that he could concentrate on anything much. It all seemed so surreal. How could you politely discuss your suicide over a lovely cup of tea? Besides, she was nowhere near that point yet. Why did they need to talk about that now? She would have months, maybe years, to come. This was something they could think about a long time into the future. In the very moment that James thought that, he realised how much of an idiot he was being. He had been there when the death penalty had been passed down on her. He had been in court when the judge had passed down the verdict. He had heard the sentence being passed. She had been sentenced to death. And what’s more she didn’t have years. She barely had months, and probably not many of them. There was no doubt that she was right. She needed to confront this, face up to it, and work out a strategy. This was happening, and it was happening to her. She was showing her strength, the strength that her illness had bestowed on her. Her new strength born of her suffering. James realised that he needed to get his head together, accept the reality of the situation, and concentrate on what she was saying. He needed to focus without being distracted by the total surrealness of it all. He needed to get his head in the game. He had to be a part of all this. Lucy needed his support, and he wanted to be there for her. This was a discussion they needed to have. Lucy returned from the kitchen.
‘Here you are, Just what we both need.’
With a smile Lucy placed the two mugs of tea on the table. With a smile. James’s heart almost broke apart upon seeing that serene, lovely smile. The smile of a person happy with life. The smile of someone who has all that she desires in her life. Yet at the same time, the smile of someone who is detailing the last moments that she will ever live. How could she smile through this? Where could she find the courage to smile? In what inner place, that she could find, was any of this to be smiled about?
‘Well, what do you think of....’The Plan’?’
Lucy laughed as she said the words, as if it was the title of a film they had seen together, or the title of a new book, just out. James forced himself to return into the moment. He had to shake off the mist that was obscuring his capacity to think clearly.
‘Listen, I haven’t really understood what the plan is. What pills?’
‘I’m sorry, my lovely man, it’s just that I have been over it all so often in my head, I know it all so well, that without a doubt I haven’t explained it very clearly to you.’
Lucy took a sip from her cup, and smiled at James. James had never felt love so strongly, as he did in that moment. Pure love. The love you feel for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. The love for a person who is detailing her plans for suicide.
‘Here’s the thing. If you are seen to help me in any way with my suicide, even though for the most part society, and my friends, would understand that you did it for me, the long arm of the law would prosecute you, either for murder, or aiding and assisting a...... well I don’t know what specifically. But, without a doubt, the authorities would hold you to blame, in some measure. I don’t want that for you. I have come up with a plan to leave a trail that they will be able to follow, when all is done and dusted, and you will come out of it totally blameless. That’s important to me, you know?’
‘Really, Lucy, now’s not the time for looking ahead so far. I will deal with things as they turn up. That’s not really the priority. You can’t be worried for me at a time like this.’
Lucy put down her cup of tea, and reached over to place her hand on James’s arm. With the sweetest of smiles she looked at the man she loved.
‘That’s exactly where you are wrong. I can’t leave you, leave this world, and rest in peace, if I know that you will be held to account for helping me. This is really important to me. It really is. It’s very sweet that you don’t care about that, but, believe me, it’s an important issue. I can’t leave you to face the recriminations for my actions, and the help that you will have given me. Soooo......, are you ready?’
James felt so disorientated. It almost seemed like Lucy was waiting for a drumroll before wheeling out her plan. In his bewildered state he almost expected a troupe of clowns to walk through the room, banging on weird musical instruments. Or maybe one of those late night comedy show hosts would come on the TV, and say:
‘Well, here it is folks. The moment you have all been waiting for. I give you....The Plan!’
Was he ready to hear the plan? Her plan to kill herself. In such a bizarre situation he really had trouble comprehending anything. He absolutely knew that he needed to focus. He forced himself back into the moment.
‘Sure I’m ready. What is.... the plan?’
‘I will stockpile the necessary pills, and when....’
‘What pills?’
‘Listen, that’s not the point. The necessary pills, don’t get sidetracked. When the time comes, and hopefully that won’t be for a long while yet, I will set up a couple of meetings, for coffees and a chat. I will organise to meet aunty here in town, and while I am with her I will take a handful of pills, quite openly. When she asks me about them I will tell her that I have a massive headache, and that I had better head off home to bed. Actually I will go to another meeting, after that, with the girls, where I will do the same thing. They will notice, they notice everything, and will remember that when the police piece together my last hours. The authorities will be able to track them all down by checking my messages on social media. I will leave a good trail for them to follow. For good luck, I will order a taxi through an app, and ask the driver for some water, to wash down some more pills. By the time I get to your place I will have taken them all, and you will be none the wiser about my plan. You will be blameless. But the best part is, I get to die, peacefully, in your arms. What do you think?’
Lucy looked as pleased as punch with her plan. James hung his head down, and he just looked at the floor. Tears welled up in his eyes, and streamed down his cheeks. What could he reply? Yeah, good plan, man. Good way to take yourself out. Now that there, that’s a good way to kill yourself. No doubt about it. He had no answer. There wasn’t any answer. He couldn’t speak. Lucy affectionately put her hand on his, and spoke softly.
‘James, please, don’t be like that, I’m just being realistic. Anyway, we’re not there yet, but I need to be ready. It’s just the way I am. I need to be prepared for this. This is happening. It’s happening to me. I can’t avoid this. I would really value your opinion. Put aside your emotions, and think about it from a practicable aspect. What do you think? Is it workable?’
James rubbed his forearm across his eyes, to wipe away the tears, and tried to shake off his state of languor. He thought about what Lucy had told him. He tried to block out his emotions, and analyse the idea from a purely practical point of view, as he would a project at work. He focused in on the little details. His speciality.
‘There’s one little problem, that I can see.’
‘Really, what?’
Lucy seemed almost excited at his having found a problem with her plan.
‘By the time you get through your various coffee meetings, the drugs will be affecting you. Possibly very strongly. You might not be in a clear headed enough state to make it to me.’
‘Right, that’s true. I’m not sure what I can do about that one.’
‘Actually I think I have a solution for that.’
Lucy’s face lit up, in expectation.
‘That’s why I wanted to talk to you about this, I knew that you would be able to help me. You can always see things so clearly. Out with it, come on, what’s your idea?’
Lucy seemed so enthusiastic about the whole plan, that it really made James uncomfortable. Although, at the end of the day it was her having to live through the cancer. It was she who had to deal with the pain, and prepare herself for the inevitable end. In that moment James could see, and understand, what was driving Lucy, with her preparations for her suicide. She was the one suffering this devastating disease. She was the one who had to deal with it’s regime of terror, and pain. Lucy was right, she really did need to plan for that which was awaiting her. He was blocked, with his head hidden in the sand. Avoiding seeing, or talking about the issue would not make it go away, or change it in any way. Lucy really had the correct approach to the whole situation. She was right. He needed to help her with this.
‘Well, are you going to tell me how I can overcome the fast acting nature of the pills, or not?’
James looked at her beautiful face, and smiled. He reached across, and stroked her cheek. Yes, he realised, they could still smile, even while talking about such an important issue.
‘Timing. That’s the answer, timing.’
‘Timing? Do tell. Elaborate.’
‘Well, you organise the coffee date with your aunty, and the girls, in two different coffee shops, near each other, at exactly the same time. That way you can fly from one to the other in a matter of minutes, before the pills take effect. You can book the taxi for five minutes after the meeting time, so that you will be at my place before it all kicks in, or, at the very least, shortly after.’
‘That’s really good. I see what you mean. I will see aunty first. That meeting I can fly through, we aren’t really very close. It’s really a bit of a way to say goodbye, but just as importantly, to set her up as a witness for the pill taking. With the girls I will need to take a bit more time. That will be the last time they will see me. I would like to make them feel good about that last day. They will reflect on that moment for a long time to come. I need to..... I want to do that well. They really deserve that, my best of friends, but If I feel the pills kicking in I will shoot out of there, I promise. As you say, I will book the taxi for the same time, and will let the driver know, through the app, that I am running a bit late, and to keep the meter running. The plan is good.’
Lucy paused, and looked inquisitively at James.
‘Do you understand why I need to be ready, James?’
Lucy was waiting for an answer from him. In response James stood up, and put his arms around her, as she sat at the table. He embraced her, and kissed her delicately, on the side of her head. He answered her with his actions. They had no need of words. Words couldn’t express the point they had come to. Finally they were at one. James had come to realise exactly where Lucy was at, and why she had to think ahead, as she was doing. He would be at her side. He would always be at her side, from there on in. When she had need of him most, he wouldn’t let her down.
----------
‘Hey, are you listening to me, man?’
‘Sure, Dave, of course I am.’ lied James.
To be honest he hadn’t really heard a word his friend had said. He was still mulling over Lucy’s plan, all the little details, and how he would play his part in it all. It virtually consumed his thoughts in that period, even at work. With all the balls he seemed to be juggling at the same time, he was in thought overload. It almost felt like he had so much on his plate that he barely had time to fit in his friend’s problems, as well. But he knew that he would make room for them. He would always find time for Dave. Dave had come over to James’s place with the usual excuse of watching a game of rugby on the television, but really that had always just been a way for the two of them to get together, and have a good talk about the various things were going on in their lives.
‘So, what do you reckon, Jimmy? Should I go for it? She seems pretty nice.’
‘Who?’
‘Bloody hell, man, what’s wrong with you today? Are you here or what? Where’s your head at, brother?’
James would have loved nothing more than to tell his best friend all the comings and goings of the suicide pact with Lucy, if for no other reason than that he would really have welcomed a bit of moral support, and advice, from his friend on the whole issue. But he knew that he couldn’t. It was just too personal, and too important to Lucy. He would have to deal with that all by himself.
‘Sorry, Dave, I’m in a bit of a state with a project at work. Bit of a crucial point, you know, the usual stuff. Schedules to respect, timelines to follow. So, who is this? What’s going on?’
Dave had a cheeky smirk on his face, just like the good old Dave, before the destruction of everything. Before the nuclear winter had set in. Before the Doomsday Clock had struck midnight, and everything had been destroyed.
‘You have never seen such a hot body, I’m telling you. She is a beauty! I’m thinking about taking it to the next level. What do you think? I know I’ve only known her a week, or so, but it really is working for me. Even in the cold weather she always has on a skirt, or something sexy. You’ve got to see her legs, man, they are looking good.’
James was pleased to see his friend in such a good frame of mind. To be honest a hot babe in a sexy skirt was never going to have any possibility of coming anywhere near being able to replace what his friend had lost with Maureen, but if it brought a smile to his face, what could be wrong with it? Dave was moving on with his life, even if that meant moving down. He was now in the bargain basement. He had been a high flying executive on Wall street, and now he a homeless bum, living under a bridge. Eating whatever scraps he could find in the rubbish bins. But he seemed happy.
‘Is this the girl you met at the gym? What’s her name?’
‘You should see the gear she wears when she’s working out. Basically the whole gym comes to a standstill, with all the guys watching her. And she loves it! She really thrives on all the attention. Man, are those shorts tight! They really show off her butt well!’
As Dave continued with his description of his new conquest, James was a bit overcome with a feeling of sorrow. He kept a smile on his face as his friend recounted the new girl’s comings and goings, but inside he felt quite sad for his friend. It almost seemed as if he had replaced the woman of all ages, the spiritual centre of life itself, with, basically, the town slut. He knew he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, ever say anything along those lines. He could never hurt Dave like that. Probably even Dave, in the deep recesses of his mind, realised that he had traded down pretty radically. But, all things considered, there was no going back. Maureen had made that very clear. So really, if it was shaking him out of the sullen mood he had fallen into, it must be a good thing. Anyway, Dave had always had a bit of a superficiality about him. Maybe those hot shorts were just the thing for him now? A good butt? Why not?
‘I’m with you, Dave, she sounds pretty hot. Kick it up, brother, keep it moving along. It sounds like you have found yourself a good one there.’
James felt incredibly false with the advice he was giving Dave, but it was just so good to see his friend upbeat again. Anyway, once Dave got back in the game again he could always trade up for a better model. It was just good for him to get back out there. This time it was Dave’s turn to get back on that bicycle. He had, and he seemed to be pedaling furiously.
‘She was going out with some loser, but that seems to be over. The new boy is in town, and he is walking tall!’
As James laughed along with his friend, the feeling of sadness in him just grew. This was the replacement for Maureen? Was he listening to himself? He thought that maybe he should test the waters there. Maybe if Dave really worked at it, he might, with time, be able to get Maureen back in his life.
‘How are things with Maureen, and Penny?’
‘Penny is in and out of my place all the time. It really was a good move getting some digs close to the old place. We are really getting on well, maybe even better than before. She comes over to my place to do her drawings for school, and is always asking me what colours I prefer. It’s really great.’
‘And with you and Maureen?’
For a moment a dark shadow passed over Dave’s face. The fire that had been burning dimmed somewhat. His mood turned morose.
‘Hey, she’s not for bending, man. That bird has flown from the coop, and she ain’t coming back.’
James realised that he had stuck a knife into an open wound, and was twisting it around. In fact, he realised that he should never even have brought up that idea. The Maureen he knew would never be able pass over something as destructive to a relationship as what Dave, with great superficiality, had done. He knew he had to move the conversation out of the quicksand, and back onto a more stable footing. He had to get the conversation back into a frivolous mood. He had to focus Dave’s mind back on that hot butt.
‘Just how many times do you go to the gym, now?
Dave, as if controlled remotely by unseen forces, sprung back into his new, revitalised self.
‘Well, it was every couple of days or so, until I met Cindy, but this week I have been going every day. Her too. We’ve only been out for drinks a couple of times, but last night I cracked it! After a few drinks I smoothly talked her into coming back to my place. What a night! Man, is she hot! You wouldn’t believe how good she is in bed. Tonight we are getting in a pizza at my place, with a few drinks. I’ll send you a photo of her.’
James laughed at the thought of his friend stopping during sex to snap a selfie of them to send him. Without a doubt Cindy wouldn’t mind at all, from what James could understand of her from his friend. James realised that he had to put aside his anguish at Dave’s split with Maureen, and throw himself, headlong, into Dave’s brave new world. It was obvious that even Dave realised the total ridiculousness of his new situation, but also that he was trying to let his inbred optimism have free rein. His personality was that of a person who needed to be in a good place, even when that good place was really a bit of a shit hole.
‘Ok, but when you both have your clothes still on.’
Dave threw his head back, and roared with laughter.
‘Now what would be the fun of that? You’ve got see her butt, man, it’s hot. I’ll sneak a shot of her while....’
‘Hey, you want to take it easy here? Do not do that, you understand?’
Dave absolutely split his sides laughing.
‘Now you are just egging me on. Now, I really will send you a hot shot. I was actually just kidding, but now I’ll do it for sure.’
The two friends laughed together. Whatever trade down Dave had made, whatever mess he had caused for himself, it was so good for James to see his friend this happy. Dave’s life would never be the same again, but then, neither would his. With what he was going through with Lucy he knew that a different version of him would come out the other end. That new version of him would be in serious need of support from his good friend, so it was only fitting that he should help Dave through his rough patch. Both of them were going through the devastating fallout of the nuclear winter that had descended on them. Things would never be the same, and the two of them quite simply had to adapt to the new mutated versions of themselves that would emerge. Whatever changes that affected one, or the other, or both, James loved the thought that the two of them had each other for support. You just couldn’t buy that. You really needed a Dave in your life.
‘Hey, you know what? Send me a photo of her butt.’
The two of them laughed together.
‘Come on, brother, out with the beers! We’ve got some celebrating to do.’
‘For sure, Dave. It’s good to see you back.’