The cold wind cut through Lucy, as she and James hurried along the boardwalk towards the restaurant they had decided to eat in. It had been a bit of a crazy idea from the start, but that was what she loved about James. He didn’t follow society’s rules, he was his own man, thinking out of the box. No doubt that was a special capability that had had a lot to do with his success as an architect. Still, a seaside holiday in winter? You’ve got to be crazy! She laughed to herself as they hurried along. Her pain, which never left her, had abated to a level she could just about cope with. With the determination that had grown in her, she wasn’t going to focus on how bad she felt, rather, she was going to appreciate the good things in her life. Things like this mad weekend away. This was living. This was life. She even loved being sprayed with the mist in the air from the breaking waves. The ocean was wild with great flurries of white water, and the ferocious waves which broke violently against the sea wall. Really, with winter coming towards it’s end, they could have hoped for slightly better weather, but Lucy loved it just as it was. Wild and savage. Nature at it’s best. Forces untamed by man. In any case, the rain had stopped so who cared about a bit of wind? Well, while it was not quite hurricane strength, probably calling it just a bit of wind was probably going a bit too far. In any case, she wouldn’t have had it any other way. She felt alive.
‘Come on Lucy, hurry up!’
James was holding open the door to the restaurant, but she couldn’t resist taking another look at the wildness of the ocean, before darkness took it from view. What strength! What a force nature, and life, was. Life was such a precious thing. In moments like that Lucy could really appreciate all that life, nature, and love, had to offer. She felt like throwing up her arms, and yelling with glee, into the frigid wind.
‘Hey, they are going to kick us out before we even get in, if I don’t get this door shut.’
Lucy turned to her James, and place the palm of her hand on his cheek.
‘Don’t get flustered, my lovely angel. I was just admiring the good work God has done creating the seasons, the oceans, and everything. It’s so lovely here James, what a lovely idea it was to come for a few days. You really know how to treat a lady!’
They both laughed, as they took their seats at a table by the window.
‘That’s for sure. Any bloke can take his girl to a sunny seaside resort, swimming, eating fresh fish, and sunbathing. It takes someone super special to take his girl to the ocean in winter, with a storm raging. Only a fool like me, and those crazy storm chasers that you see on television, could have come up with such an insane plan.’
Lucy had the giggles, she felt like she had when she had been back in school, and with her friends everything always had a funny side. When did the laughter stop, she wondered? What is it with life? Everyone starts off so happy, and carefree, only to end up embroiled in a life of work, bills to pay, and surrounded by all the flotsam and jetsam that life throws in your path. At some point the laughter just stops, and seriousness sets in. It seemed to be like that for everyone, laughter ends up becoming a part-time thing, something you do only on the weekend, when the boring part of the week is over. Why is that? Lucy could only think that maybe it had just been the innocence of youth, that had kept them laughing permanently. It was almost a sad thought. The thought of that innocence lost. If that were the case, maybe childish innocence is better than the reality of life, experienced as an adult.
‘You know, we really have no choice.’
Lucy gave a slight start. James had interrupted her thoughts with a pretty fitting interjection. He was definitely right. You really didn’t have a choice, that was just the way life was. You take what you get thrown at you, and do the best you can with it. It seemed to her that James could now read her thoughts.
‘What do you mean?’
‘We definitely have to eat the fish. We can’t come all this way, to the ocean, and not eat fish.’
Lucy giggled with delight, and reached across the small table, placing her right hand on James’s hand.
‘Absolutely!’
‘That is, of course, if some fisherman was brave enough, or foolish enough, to go out in this weather, just for us.’
James seemed so happy. Lucy could feel her heart almost bursting with joy. She knew how ironic the whole situation was. To have found her one true love, just on the cusp of life’s end. But then, luckily, she had found him. Finally, she had found the man of her dreams. God’s endless wondrous creations included also this. Being with her James, and having the happiness, and giggles, of her youth restored to her. She wouldn’t have missed out on feeling like this for anything. Probably the total amount of love she would had felt in this brief period was more than the love most people would feel over the course of their entire lifetimes. She was determined to never reflect on what she would be losing, just on what she had gained, and that was a lot. Lucy was going to face what was coming with joy, and love, beating off all other contenders. In the same way that James lived his life not following society’s rules, and being imaginative about his creations, she would face life’s completion on her own terms. She had found her love, and had always been in the company of the two most beautiful, loving friends anyone could ever have hoped to have. Before leaving this life, she had experienced all it had to offer. And then some. In the end, life had smiled on her. She had been blessed with more than anyone could ever have hoped for.
‘Tomorrow, if the storm passes, I would love to head up the coast to a little fishing village, only about 40 kilometres away. From what I’ve read about it, the whole town is made up of old wooden structures, mostly around 100 to a 150 years old. Apparently each house, and shop, has quite a unique design. Usually old towns have the same sort of construction themes running through them. This place sounds really interesting.’
‘That sounds lovely, James. Let’s check out of our hotel in the morning, and find a place there for the night? If we can’t find anything, we can always head back here. I doubt if this place is going to suddenly fill up. Not in this weather, anyway.’
James smiled broadly.
‘Let’s hope a group of nutcases like us don’t show up, and book the town out.’
The dinner went along in that vein, chatting, giggling, and laughing together. Lucy barely ate anything, but after a couple of glasses of wine, she felt so light, and free. She could almost have floated away on a cloud of serenity. Who knew? Who knew that life could be so wonderful? Lucy wondered if her life had only really started now, with the death sentence passed over her. No, she thought, that’s not true, it was only that now she had learned to appreciate, and understand fully, the real significance of life. It had always been there. She had always been surrounded with wonderful things, which she hadn’t been able to fully appreciate. It was as if she had been drifting through a series of events, oblivious to the real sense of what had been all around her. How strange, when all was to be taken away, that she had finally grasped the importance of what had always been there. Or maybe not? Maybe a lot of people, quite possibly most people, go through life’s daily motions not really cherishing everything they had. Just taking the wonder of life for granted, without appreciating what a marvelous gift they had been given. Lucy felt happy to have finally felt the warm embrace of life’s wonder. How sad it would be to life a long life, but never to have been really aware of the beautiful intricacies that had always surrounded you. Even if she would live only a little longer, she would grasp, and hold tight, to every fraction of every moment. She would experience the emotions of a hundred years of life, in what little time that was left to her. She would leave this earth having lived a full life, only in a shorter period that most people. However, she would have lived, and experienced, more of life than most people could ever have dreamt of.
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As they walked down the street James realised that the day was going to be easy for him to get through. He was in his element.
‘Just look at this old shop front, will you? It’s a classic wooden structure from around the end of the 1800’s. See the ornate facade that makes up the second floor? Behind that there is nothing, it’s mainly there for show, but it’s also used as a support to hold up the overhanging structure, giving shade, and shelter from the rain.’
The morning was sunny, and a really splendid day had come out, especially considering the storm of the previous day. The two of them had had breakfast early, and had got the day going to a flying start. James was happy with his idea of the architectural tour of the coastal village he had discovered for them. He was really in an easy place. His speciality. Here he could blather on with all his usual display of plates spinning, and interesting anecdotes, while effortlessly masking his real thoughts. He could hide behind an endless stream of banal architectural facts. Facts of which he had an endless supply, keeping his thoughts to himself. It had been four months since Lucy’s diagnosis. You could almost say that she was already living on borrowed time. James had become almost a total nervous wreck, although he made sure no one, and really no one, would ever notice that. He hid it well, for her sake. Lucy was actually in surprisingly good form. She had bounced back well after having stopped the incredibly invasive treatment she had been on. That had only ever made her feel worse. However, even in this better phase for her James could hear the constant ticking of the clock. Or was it a time bomb he could hear? The bomb mechanism was so complex that even the bomb disposal squad couldn’t render it harmless. Somehow, at least, they seemed to have been able to fiddle with the clock, giving them more time. Time which Lucy seemed to be making the most of. She never spoke of her pain, never complained about life’s cruel trick. However, James, with the inevitable dancing around them constantly, could barely think of anything else. Luckily, here in his element, he could recount all his old interesting yarns, almost in his sleep, while hiding the dark thoughts, and the brooding worry, growing deep inside him.
‘Well I think it’s just lovely, James. It exudes a sort of old-world charm. The whole village does, really. It’s such a lovely place.’
Lucy was holding James’s arm, as they wandered around, looking at the various sights. With her free hand she rubbed his hand.
‘What a great idea to come here, James, thank you so much!’
James smiled back at Lucy, there was so much he wanted to say, real things, his innermost thoughts, but he knew that if he started down that road he would end up bawling his eyes out, and ruining the whole day. With great ease, he fell back on the old effortless phrases. The tourist guide. He really needed to get this stuff on a TV show. He would call it: ‘Take your mind off life with incessant babbling’.
‘Yes, it doesn’t appeal only to designers, it really has a great historical fascination for everyone. Well, everyone with good taste, that is.’
Lucy giggled at his little joke, making him feel only worse. It was beyond James’s understanding how Lucy could be so strong through what she was facing. In fact, he had never seen her so outwardly happy. She was always giggling, and laughing, or at the very least smiling. He realised that it was much better that way, rather than having her lying in bed, full of pain, awaiting the arrival of the end of everything. However, it was just so strange for him, so surreal. Sometimes in his thoughts he almost couldn’t wait for it to all be over, it was such a stressful time for him, but then he would feel incredibly guilty, and ashamed of himself. How could he think that? Wanting her to hurry up and die, because then it would all be so much easier for him. Plus, who did he think he was kidding? It would all be over? None of this was ever going to be over. This whole experience would no doubt shape the rest of his life. He would never be free from the pain, and anxiety of it all. Never would his life return to the beginnings of normality he had started to experience before. James was in a total state of constant confusion. Thoughts interfering with other thoughts, keeping his mind in a constant state of agitation. God only knew how he managed to hide it all from Lucy. Well, actually he did, with incessant babbling.
‘James, what an absolutely lovely day! Spring can’t be far off. The sun feels quite warm today. I just feel so good!’
Lucy shook her whole body, with a feeling of glee.
‘How wonderful it all is. Just look at those cute little fishing boats! I could just dive into the water, and swim across the harbour.’
‘Not on my watch you won’t. The water is really cold, and the cleanliness of the water where the boats moor.....’
‘Oh, shut up you!’
Lucy laughed at him, and hit him lightly on his arm.
James somehow found it in him to laugh.
‘Sorry, Mr. Far-too-practical here. You’re right, let’s have a swim!’
‘You, and those fish, mister. I’m not going anywhere near that cold, dirty water!’
Lucy’s laughter was so contagious that James found himself laughing along with her. My God! She really was a force of nature. The strength of woman personified. The worst of situations had brought out the best in her. The cruel hand of adversity had given her more strength than anyone he had ever known in his life. Lucy gripped his arm tightly.
‘Is there somewhere I can sit?’
‘You, my dear, can sit wherever you want.’ replied James, laughingly.
‘Please, James, hold me, I think I am going to faint.’
Only then did James realise that she was no longer joking, and that the situation had become instantly serious. Before James could find somewhere for her to sit, before he could really even understand what was going on, Lucy had collapsed in his arms. In a blind panic James lowered her to the footpath, and screamed to anyone who could hear to call an ambulance. The blood rushed to his head, leaving him incapable of thinking clearly. People were crowding around, voices were saying strange things. In the background he heard the distant sound of a siren. What followed passed in a state of great agitation, and panic for James. He felt, rather that experienced, the ride in the ambulance to the hospital. Blathering more like the village idiot, rather than the precise, coordinated person he usually was, he somehow managed to explain Lucy’s condition to the medical staff. At some stage through the mental fog that had enveloped him, he understood that the doctors had made contact with Lucy’s primary health carers, back home in the hospital where she had been diagnosed, and was being treated. This went some way to allaying the fear, and dread, that had overtaken James. Knowing that more capable people than he, had taken over the role of explaining Lucy’s condition, in a more precise, understandable manner. After more competent hands than his had relieved him of his duties, James spent what seemed like hours sitting, and pacing, in the waiting room. He tried to focus on what was going on. Was it all his fault? Was his stupid idea of a few days away to blame for all this? But how? What had they really done that could have worsened things? All he had was questions, and doubts. The answers to those questions eluded him, leaving him in an apprehensive state. After what seemed like an eternity, a nurse came for him, and guided him to a doctor’s office. Where was Lucy?
‘Come in Mr. Henderson. Please, take a seat.’
The doctor was very polite, with a soothing manner, and soft, relaxing way of talking. Even in his befuddled state James knew that the Gods had been watching over them. On a day of such great adversity they had been very lucky to have found such a sharp, focused doctor on call.
‘How is Lucy? Please doctor, can I see her?’
‘Of course you can. I would just like to take a few minutes to bring you up to speed on Miss Belmore’s condition.’
‘Will she be alright, will she.....?’
‘She’s fine. She’s resting now. We have given her a sedative. As you well know her condition will only worsen, so episodes like this are only to be expected.’
The doctor’s kind face, and graceful way of speaking helped James to calm down. But he needed answers.
‘Was it my fault? Did I aggravate things by taking her away on holiday?’
The kind doctor smiled at him. His voice was soft, and soothing.
‘No, not at all. You did everything right. Please, don’t blame yourself, episodes like this are now to be expected, and, unfortunately, will only become more frequent. I understand Miss Belmore has decided to stop taking her treatment regime. In all honesty, I would probably have done exactly the same thing myself.’
The friendly doctor, a fairly tall man, seemingly in his mid to late fifties, stood and took James by the arm.
‘Come on. I’ll take you to her. She should be waking up soon. When she does, she should be feeling fine. Don’t worry,’ he smiled, ‘but it would probably be best if you took her home, back to where she feels at ease. That’s what she needs now, a bit of rest where she feels comfortable.’
The compassionate words of the doctor had set James’s mind a bit more at ease.
‘Of course.’
The doctor led him along various corridors, until they came to the room where Lucy was. The kindly doctor patted him on his back, and beckoned him to go into the room. As soon as James saw Lucy’s sleeping face, tears started to stream down his cheeks. She seemed so angelic, lying there in that hospital bed, surrounded by all things white, and shiny. An angel, waiting for God’s call.
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The green flowing hills, and the occasional sight of the sea when there was a break in the vegetation, absolutely took Lucy’s breath away. The scenery was just so mystical. It fairly transported her mind to a delightful, almost divine, place. She had always enjoyed the drive out to her Aunty Claire’s place, but this time she felt like she was seeing it for the first time. At the thought of that she almost laughed out loud. It was more likely that she was seeing it for the last time! Quite possibly for that reason she was so tuned in to the beauty of it all. When you know something will always be there quite probably there is a tendency to take it for granted, and not really see it. When, on the other hand, change is in the air, radical change, you notice more the little details that had previously eluded you. You see the minutiae of life, in all it’s fine detail. Or maybe you just appreciate things more when you know that they will only be a part of your life for that small amount of time that you have left? Lucy didn’t really know the reason, but whatever it was, Lucy felt totally at ease, and carefree. Her mind was free, and she was seeing, and taking notice of, all that surrounded her. The scare of her brief hospitalisation on that weekend away with James was well behind her, and she refused to dwell on it. It had merely been a bump in the road. A blip on the radar screen. Nothing at all to worry about. Rather helpfully, the increased medication she was taking, for pain relief, left her feeling a bit detached from things, almost a bit high. The pain was ever present, but the lightheadedness that the drugs gave her made it all a lot easier to cope with. She had never understood how people got addicted to pain medication, and continued to take it even after the pain had passed. That was, not until she had experienced it herself. After feeling the quite pleasant effects of her pain medication she could really understand the reason. Even with the underlying pain, and nausea, she actually enjoyed the sensation the drugs gave her. They allowed her to dissociate herself from the reality of the day to day ramifications of her disease, and let her mind drift where it wanted. Or quite possibly it was a combination of the drugs, and her new awakened state. Whatever the reason was she felt that she could really understand things better. She appreciated things, and people, in a way that she had never before. Lucy was more aware, and understanding, of life. Something that had previously been an enigma to her. Something that had previously been a thing other people had participated in, but not her. She was even looking forward to seeing her aunty, something that in the past she had always thought of as being somewhat of an obligation, something that she had done only because she had felt that she had to. A thing she would do as seldom as she possibly could. However, at the end of the day, her aunty was the only family she had. Probably she should have taken that more into consideration over the years. Not that her aunty had ever made much of an effort. She, also, had never done more than play the part of the obligatory aunty. The role decreed to her by rite of birth. Lucy sighed. How strange it all was. People’s relationships. She had never really been able to understand people that well, she had always felt like an outsider, looking in at life through a window that someone had left open. Never understanding the rules that governed that strange land. Too late to worry about any of that now. Now she merely had to follow the path laid out for her by the unforeseen forces of fate. Lucy glanced at her reflection in the rear view mirror. Her face had a thinned out appearance. That of someone who was not at all well. Her body too, was not looking good, she had lost a lot of weight. She knew that she didn’t look at all healthy. What on earth would she tell her aunty? She definitely didn’t want to tell her the truth. She couldn’t be bothered explaining it all, and putting her aunt in the position of having to play the role of the worried family member. Secrets. She smiled to herself. Everybody, including now herself, had their secrets. The thought crossed her mind that she had finally become like everyone else. Maybe she had finally come to understand life? The keeping of secrets. Life was all about the keeping of secrets. Life was all about hiding the truth behind a pretty facade. Quite ironic really, she thought, to have finally understand things, just in time to not have any reason to do so. Anyway, as she put aside those thoughts Lucy realised she would need a cover story for her aunt. Something to justify the weight loss, and general look of an unwell person. What on earth could she tell her? Maybe she could go with back problems? Something to do with bad vertebrae, and squashed disks? That was a common problem people faced. That would be more than believable. But would that really have caused such a thin haggard look for her? Probably not. Then it occurred to her. The best lies are those that have a bit of truth to them. She would go with a terrible virus, no, better still, a chronic gastritis. That would justify the weight loss, and she could throw in a bit of pain as well. She was getting good at lying, just like real people!Lucy smiled to herself as she pulled the car into her aunty’s driveway. What a life! If nothing else she was certainly enjoying the time that she had left. The thought of that made her feel good. There could be nothing sadder than leaving life without having ever enjoyed it. Without having tasted it, without having felt it on your skin. Without having experienced it fully. She parked her car down the side of her aunty’s house. As usual her aunty was pottering around in her garden. The garden of endless servitude. My God! What the hell could she always find to do out there? As she got out of her car, her aunty stood up, and stumbled slightly as she came towards her. Probably she had tripped over a garden tool, or an uneven surface. Actually, more likely still, she had already knocked back a couple of gins. And why not, on such a lovely day?
‘Hi aunty, how are you? My, your garden looks spectacular.’
‘Hello dear. Goodness gracious, Lucy, you look terrible. What on earth is the matter with you? You’re all skin and bones. Are you not eating? Do you feel alright?’
Aunty Claire had an extremely worried expression on her face, as she saw the physical difference in her niece. It was time to bring out the big ones, thought Lucy. Let the show begin. Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats. Showtime! She had to fight hard to suppress a smile.
‘No, nothing to worry about. Well, nothing too serious, anyway. I’ve come down with some sort of a virulent gastritis. It seems to be immune to the standard treatment, so they are filling me up with all sorts of medicines trying to find the right one for this particular strain. I’ve really lost my appetite, and have an awful stomach ache. Especially at night.’
She was getting good at this. The lies flowed freely from her lips. She had become an accomplished liar, just like everyone else.
‘Oh, that’s terrible, Lucy. How absolutely dreadful. I know what you mean about feeling it all more at night. You always do feel any sort of aches and pain much more at night. When you are out and about, during the day you have other things to think about. They take your mind off the pain. At night, in the quiet of your bed, those pains seem to intensify. It can be really hard to get a good night’s sleep. I do hope they find the right medicine for you. Goodness gracious, you have lost so much weight. Would you like something to eat? Maybe something light?’
It was all Lucy could do to not burst out laughing. How easy it had been to lie. The story had been sold perfectly. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind she knew that it probably wasn’t very nice to lie to her aunty, but because of their fairly superficial relationship she just didn’t really want to tell her the truth. She knew that if she did then her aunty would feel duty bound to play the role of the worried aunt, always dotting around, and bringing her soup, and whatnot. More out of a sense of obligation, than anything else. It was better for everyone this way. Easier. In any case it was more of a white lie, one that was better for both sides. Lucy was sure that her aunt could do without all that hassle as well. She was happy enough with her gin, and her garden.
‘Oh, no thanks, aunty, but I would like a cup of tea. Why don’t you finish off over there in the garden and I will make us a pot. It’s still a bit chilly, but with that lovely sun shining it would be so nice to sit out here looking at your lovely view.’
‘Ok, dear, you know where everything is. When the tea is ready, so am I. I just have to finish preparing this flower bed. I’m so looking forward to the lovely colours of my flowers in the spring.’
Lucy smiled as she looked at her aunt. If they didn’t have her garden what else would they have ever found to talk about?
‘Yes, you really do have a lovely garden. Would you like some biscuits with your tea, aunty?’
‘Oh, why not, let’s indulge ourselves.’
Her aunty bustled back to her omnipresent garden, the garden of never ending toil, and Lucy went into the house. As usual she entered through the patio door, into the lounge room and through to the kitchen. As soon as she entered the house she burst out laughing. As ever the television was on, blaring out some repeat of an old cooking show, and even from there she could hear the radio blasting forth in the kitchen. As she entered the kitchen she got deafened by some irate person moaning about something or other, on a radio talkback channel. It was difficult to understand what he was so angry about because she could still hear the recipe for some exotic dish blaring in from the lounge room. Could someone really live like this? Lucy put on the kettle, and got out the cups. After discretely checking her aunty’s progress in the garden, she sneaked a look in the cupboard, the one where she had previously discovered her aunty’s little secret. There were only three bottles of gin, and one was half empty. Aunty Claire would definitely be making a run to resupply soon, before things got out of hand. After another quick glance out the window to check on her aunt, she dashed over to the alcove with the rubbish bin. On lifting the lid she could clearly count, in various positions in the assorted rubbish, four empty gin bottles. One which looked like it had just been put there. She smiled to herself. Her aunty was obviously in party mode these d