For James, it was so good to see Dave with that sparkle back in his eye, and that little wry smile that always used to hang around the side of his lips. Dave had come over to James’s flat to watch a game of rugby together, on television, but really, as usual, that was just an excuse for having a good chat. More accurately, it was Dave doing most of the talking, just like his old self, with James nodding, and laughing at the appropriate places. The world was back on it’s axis. The spin cycle had been completed, and things were back in their correct positions. For James, it was good to see his friend back in good form. Although, oddly, Dave seemed somehow less inhibited than he normally had been, almost less mature. The two of them were in their mid thirties, but Dave was acting like he had when they were much younger, back in their university days. James wondered if quite possibly the slight amount of maturity he had gained over the years had been through Maureen’s influence over him? As soon as James thought that a wave of regret came over him. That really wasn’t a nice thing to think about his friend. In any case, what was Dave supposed to do? He had ruined his family life, it was just good enough that he had been able to pick up the pieces, and put himself back together, in any formation possible. Obviously he was just in a phase of enjoying himself, letting himself go, after all the tough times he had been through with his separation. Things appeared to be going well for him with Cindy. Cindy certainly wouldn’t be putting too much of an intellectual strain on him, that was for sure. Although probably someone superficial, and easy going, was just what Dave needed at the moment. Someone uncomplicated who would be able to let him find his way through this period of transition. Hopefully he would eventually wake up to how flippant Cindy was, and wouldn’t go too far with the relationship. He could definitely do better than Cindy. But maybe he needed to start the relationship game from the beginning? He had landed on the wrong square on the monopoly board, lost everything, and had to start all over again. Cindy was square one. When you lost everything you had to return to the start, Cindy, and then try and move along the board again.
‘Hey Jimmy, how did you like the photo of her butt? Pretty hot little number, eh?’
‘Listen Dave, I canceled it as soon as it arrived. Don’t send me photos like that. Apart from the fact that I wouldn’t like Lucy to see something like that on my phone, it’s not very respectful to Cindy.’
‘Hey, you told me to send it, man.’
‘As you realised fully well, I was only joking, you bloody idiot.’
‘Well, she didn’t know, but she probably wouldn’t have minded that much anyway. She’s really proud of her figure, and her backside in particular. You’ve got to admit, that’s some pretty hot arse!’
James laughed along with him at that. He just couldn’t help it. There was just no holding back Dave when he was in good form. He was like a river in full flood. He was a tidal wave bringing happiness, rather than the usual destruction. He was a tsunami of jubilation. While he didn’t really like the subject matter, James was happy to see his friend in such good form. James didn’t really like Cindy, even though he had only met her once, briefly, in a coffee shop with Dave. All she had spoken about was the clothes she wanted to buy, her number of friends on social media, and all the superficial trappings of modern day life. Not that she was the only one caught up in all that, of course. In the smart phone digital age, a lot of people seemed to be like her. Not that long ago you had a small group of friends who you would see regularly, and chat about things affecting your day to day life, along with things you had read about that you found interesting. Now, in this new, improved age, everybody was in contact with just about everybody else, and the level of conversation had suffered as a result. It was impossible to have so many friends, and maintain an interesting level of conversation with them all. More, in this case, definitely meant less. Virtually every time people would make a cup of tea, or have lunch out, they would feel the need to share that with the whole world. James had an almost non-existent footprint on social media. Sure he used messaging apps to keep in touch with his friends, but that was about as far as he went in the new, improved, modern era. He knew he shouldn’t really blame Cindy for getting swept up in these new times, but just how many selfies did you really need to take?
‘What say the four of us go out for dinner?’
James felt something akin to a knife piercing his stomach. He wasn’t enthralled in the very least at the idea of a dinner out with Cindy. Plus putting together Cindy and Lucy?. He just knew that Lucy would hate Cindy, especially with all the very serious things she was going through in her life. To be out with someone so shallow and uninteresting, and well, let’s be honest, totally absorbed with herself, would be without a doubt incredibly annoying for Lucy. That was not going to happen. James was about to go vague on the whole idea, put in on the back burner, but then Dave pulled out the big one. He went all in.
‘Come on, man, I was there for you after your separation. In fact, it was me who pushed you into going out with Lucy. Do this for me, will you. Hey, it’s just dinner.’
What could James answer? He had been backed into a corner. Dave was playing a pretty big card. He was calling in all favours owed. James really had nowhere to go. To say no at this stage would really hurt Dave’s feelings, especially as he had layed out all the cards in his hand. James folded. There was going to be no getting out of this one. He had been successfully outplayed.
‘Sure, why not. I will see when Lucy is free, and we will organise things. What sort of food does Cindy like?’
‘She really loves that sushi place over in Newport, why don’t we go there?’
God, how typical, thought James. What a surprise. Just by chance Cindy loves a place which is trendy, and new. Who knew? Who could have seen that one coming? Probably she didn’t really even like the food there, but it was the place to be seen, and to say you had eaten at. He could almost see the barrage of selfies that would shortly thereafter appear on Cindy’s social media. He almost burst out laughing. Cindy had lived up to all expectations. Cindy would never let you down.
‘Hey, fine. I’ll see if Lucy is up for it. I don’t really like raw fish, but I know they have plenty of alternatives there. Sounds good, brother.’
‘Thanks, man, that would mean a lot to me. Funnily enough, Cindy has a big following on social media, but she doesn’t really have many friends, you know, the ones you go to eat out with. That sort of thing.’
At the sound of that James felt a bit ashamed of himself, and the thoughts he had had for Cindy. Maybe Dave saw something in her, deeper than the superficial farce she showed to the world. James remembered having read an article about people who were really quite sad, and lonely, who would desperately try and fit in by following all the latest trends. They usually ended up with lots of the ridiculous, trivial friendships of the modern digital age, but they were virtually without any meaningful friendships in their lives. Possibly Cindy fitted into that category, not that she was doing herself any favours by carrying on in such a shallow manner. The way she acted she would definitely be shunned by anyone looking for depth of personality. Obviously Dave wasn’t looking for anything of that nature. Well, not at this stage of his life anyway. In this period a hot butt seemed to be among his highest priorities. James let out a clearly audible sigh.
‘What’s up, man?’
James had no intention of sharing his thoughts on Dave’s relationship with Cindy.
‘This is just such a pathetic game of rugby. What planet is that ref on?’
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Lucy was absolutely stunned with how ridiculous Cindy looked. She was well past thirty, but dressed, and acted like, well, almost a teenager. There was no denying the fact that she was pretty, with her shoulder length, straightened, light brown hair, and she definitely had a good body, but you could easily tell her age. Equally obvious was the fact that she must have spent a lot of money trying, almost desperately thought Lucy, to maintain those good looks, and that youthful appearance. Lucy had always disliked people who tried to seem younger than what they actually were. People who despairingly needed to hang onto their former, younger self. The glory version of their youth. Why not just be who you are? James had done his best to prepare her for what she had been in store for, but the reality of Cindy was over and above anything she could have expected. James kept shooting worried glances in her direction. She knew that he hadn’t really wanted for the four of them to go out together, and that Dave had talked him into it. She knew how persuasive Dave could be. The same Dave who had somehow managed to convince Vicky to gamble with her whole life. The same Dave who had gambled with, and lost, his own life. My God, she thought, what did all these people see in him? Although, in reality, in Vicky’s case, there was not that much of a difference between Dave and Vicky’s husband Mike. Mike was also pretty shallow, and superficial. No, that probably wasn’t very fair. It would be nicer to say that they were both people who lived the lighter side of life. You would never expect any great depth of conversation from either of them. Rugby and beer would always be the high point of their conversations. You could never aspire to any greater heights of intellectual stimulation than whether the player had indeed been offside or not. In fact Lucy had never bonded with Mike much. Truth be told, she didn’t really like him much at all, and she really hated his boozing, uncouth friends. His drunken friends who, before meeting James, had almost come to seem like the only possible relationships she would ever have been able to strive for. Quick drunken sex in the back seat of a car, before hurrying back to the barbecue to get some more beer, and high five their mates, who would themselves be waiting in turn. Then she had met James. Her lovely James. Dave was not at all like James. In fact, she couldn’t really understand how it had come to be that the two of them were such good friends. They were so different, with such totally different perspectives on life. They seemingly had very little in common. Without a doubt when they had met they had been in a similar place, both young, and out discovering life. Since then they had both gone in vastly different intellectual directions. Lucy guessed that those bonds formed in their younger, formative years had somehow connected them together, even though they were now very different types of people. But Cindy? You’ve got to be kidding. With all the pain Lucy felt in her stomach, it was almost too much to have to listen to all of her drivel. However, on the other hand, Lucy didn’t want to be the one that ruined the evening, so she thought she should make a bit of an effort. In any case, maybe by throwing herself into the conversation it would take her mind of her constant pain. If nothing else it would definitely be appreciated by her lovely James.
‘What job do you do, Cindy?’ Lucy asked.
‘I work at ‘Not Just Shoes’, do you know it? It’s really the best place for shoes in the whole area. We have all the newest models out, from all the major brands. I really love it there. When we get a new shipment in, we are all so excited to see the new designs. You know the colours really change fast. You can buy a pair of shoes, and find yourself out of date almost in a flash.’
Lucy instantly regretted the question she had asked. She had just been trying to be polite, she certainly hadn’t expected a lecture on the latest styles of footwear. Who the devil cared about something so trite? Now, after Lucy’s great show of interest, Cindy was on a roll. There would be no stopping her. She stuck out one of her feet, out the side of the table, to show them all her footwear.
‘You see these? They are sort of boots, but quite low cut, so they could really be considered high shoes, or low boots. That way you can wear them with completely different outfits. Don’t they look absolutely fabulous?’
Lucy didn’t really know what to answer. She was totally flabbergasted. Her simple, polite question had unleashed a stream of banality. She had always bought shoes based more on how comfortable they were. High shoes, low boots? She wanted to be civil, but just couldn’t really think of anything to say. Luckily Dave jumped into the breech.
‘They look just fabulous. Plus they really show off your legs to perfection. They look like they were designed specifically for you.’
‘Do you really think so? I just love them. They are a bit uncomfortable to walk in, but I absolutely love the style. I had to buy a new bag to go with them of course, they are so unusual that you really need to get your accessories matched.’
Lucy could see that James had a terribly worried expression on his face, poor thing. She knew that he would be worried about how she would hold up in the face of Cindy’s desultory conversation. Actually though, she had to admit to herself that was starting to enjoy the evening. The lightness of it all. The slightly surreal contrast of on the one hand facing her terrible cancer, and on the other hand discussing the merits of high shoes, and low boots. Really it was just what she needed. It was good to leave behind the seriousness of what she was facing in her life, and talk about shoes. Yes, shoes. When had that ever happened? It took her mind off the pain in her stomach, and she really enjoyed the irony of it all. She decided to go all the way. She would become a shoes person.
‘You know Cindy, I really need some new shoes. Why don’t we keep in touch, and when you are on shift I would love to come over, and get some advice from you. I’m such a disaster at buying shoes. I could really use your help. You are obviously an expert in the art of the perfect shoe.’
Lucy could see James’s body physically relax. Without a doubt he knew what she was up to, and was thankful to her for her politeness. Dave, on the other hand, had absolutely no idea, and thought she was being serious.
‘You couldn’t do better, Lucy. Cindy really knows her stuff. She will get you decked out in something fantastic. No doubt about it. Plus, with her staff discount, you’ll save a fortune.’
Cindy absolutely squealed with delight.
‘You, mister, are just such a nice man. You really understand me. It’s so nice to have finally met someone who appreciates me so much. Most people just don’t realise what goes into looking your best. You really have to work at it.’
The evening was starting to get absolutely comical, no doubt helped along the way by the strong pain killers Lucy was on. She burst out laughing. She realised instantly that that wasn’t good. Everyone looked at her, expecting an explanation. She knew she had to justify that laugh really fast. That wouldn’t be a problem. As she had recently discovered, she had become quite adept at lying, just like normal people. She had mastered the art of being a normal person.
‘How wonderful this evening is! Isn’t it just great to be out in such good company?’
James, the only other person present who had understood the real reason for her laugh, dived in to back her up.
‘Yes, it is. We must do this more often.’
Lucy and James exchanged knowing glances. Both of them knew with absolute conviction that that would never happen. As much as they both knew that Lucy would never be going to buy those shoes.
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It was a lazy Sunday morning, and Cindy and Dave were sitting up in bed, at Dave’s place. Cindy had so many things to work out for the following week, but Dave kept on interrupting her thoughts with his usual stream of idiotic small talk. If only she could get him interested in more important issues.
‘The dinner went well, didn’t it Honeybun?’
Oh yes, that went soooo well, thought Cindy. What a boring tedious conversation she had had to listen to.
‘Yes, Teddy Bear, it was wonderful.’
Cindy looked at her toenails poking out of the end of the messed up sheets. She like the crimson red colour she had used on them, but really she wanted to go with something a bit more exciting. She wanted to liven things up. Do something that would really draw people’s attention.
‘I’m sure you will be able to find Lucy the perfect pair of shoes.’
What the hell was he talking about now? Shoes for Lucy? Then she remembered. Of course. Plain Jane Lucy wanted to come to the shop to get some new shoes. Good luck with that one.
‘Of course I will.’
Plain Jane needed far more than just shoes. She needed to go on a makeover show, and get a total transformation. She had no dress sense at all, and her hair just hung there as if it had barely been brushed. Dressing her with modern, fashionable shoes, without changing everything else would just be a total waste of time. And Cindy did not want to waste her time on such a pointless exercise. Then, in a flash, it came to her. Looking at her feet she had a spark of genius. She would colour each toenail with a different colour, but use the same silver highlights across all of them. They would look fantastic! Meanwhile, as usual Dave was prattling on about something or other. Could he never just shut up?
‘What’s that Teddy Bear?’
‘You know, with what she’s going through.’
With what who’s going through? Then she remembered. Lucy had some sort of medical problem, quite apart from her dress sense disability. She couldn’t remember what it was. Bad headaches, or something. She hadn’t really been listening.
‘Yes, that’s right.’
Although, having seen Lucy’s terrible hairstyle made Cindy wonder. Was it time for her to spice up her hair a bit? Maybe it was time to put some streaks of highlights through her hair. It was something she regularly did, but you had to keep changing. You couldn’t stay with the same style. People would get used to you then. You needed to always stand out. Yes, she though, it was time for some highlights. She had so much to organise for the week ahead. It would all be like a mini makeover. She felt so excited at the thought of everything she had to do. Dave, in the background was still yapping on and on.
‘Sorry, Teddy Bear, what do you mean?’
‘Dinner. We really should do that again, don’t you think?’
The thought of going through another evening like that filled Cindy with dread. But Dave just wouldn’t stop going on about it.
‘Maybe we could go for a pizza?’
My God, she thought, Dave was just so far out of date. She half wondered if he could even be saved. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was so good in bed she would have probably ditched him already. Nobody, but nobody, eats pizza anymore. Cindy knew she really had to teach Dave everything. You had to go to places at the cutting edge. New places, following the latest trends. Pizza? That was for families, and well, Dave’s friends. They were definitely Pizza people. Boring, ordinary, Pizza people. She couldn’t take any more of his monotonous chatter. He was driving her crazy. She needed to shut Dave up, and luckily she knew just how. She slid a hand across his thigh, and stroked his penis, which immediately reacted. Within seconds it was fully erect. Dave was a very sexual man, and was very easily stimulated. He was always ready for sex, and in fact he was one of the best lovers she had ever had.
‘Oh, look at Mr. Pinky!’
Dave was on fire, he threw the sheets off, and climbed on top of Cindy. There would be no more talk about his boring friends, or Pizzas.
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The two of them sat there in silence. Ostensibly because they were enjoying the lovely early spring sunshine, before having their picnic lunch, but really the air was imbued with the subject they were both studiously trying to avoid. They were sitting at their favourite bench, at their favourite beach. The bench they had been sitting at when they had been interrupted by a torrential downpour the year before. It all seemed like such a long time ago to Lucy. So much had happened, so much had changed since then. She smiled as she remembered that day. They had made a wild dash to the car, and then raced to her place to change out of their wet clothes, and to have a hot shower. After their showers, when they were both dressed in bathrobes, they had ended up making love for the first time. How wonderful that day had been, rain included! What beautiful memories this beach, and this bench, had for her. She hoped that when it was all over James would be able to come out to this place, their special place, for a run, or a swim, and that he would be able to find her there. Hopefully the sadness that he would feel at her loss would be partially alleviated by the happy memories that this special place held for them. This was their place. He would always be able to find her here, not in some cemetery plot where her empty vessel would be deposited. There he would find nothing. But here. Here he would be able to find her soul, and remember her how she had been, alive, and full of love for him. Lucy was incredibly worried about how James would be affected by her death. Her part, in the end, would be the easy part. It would be fast. Others would have to pick up the pieces, and live with the repercussions of her death. She closed her eyes, and felt the warm sunshine on her face. It was such a glorious day. It was the sort of day when optimism bloomed, along with the spring growth of the vegetation. All around them was a circle of different shades of green, beautifully contrasting with the deep blue of the sea. The cycle of life had been reborn, with a beauty, and pleasure, that all people felt. Nearly all people. Lucy sneaked glances at her love, making sure she didn’t catch his eye. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words that both of them dreaded, yet at the same time knew were inevitable. Her pain was excruciating, and the drugs she was taking for it weren’t working very well anymore. She had lost so much weight that she was merely a skeleton. She was ready for the final act, but she knew that James wasn’t. He never would be. The time was rapidly approaching when she would have to put her plan, their plan, into action. Lucy felt sorrow, but not for herself. She felt sad at how James, Vicky, and Emma, would be left to deal with the aftermath. She knew it would be hard for all of them, especially for James. In some ways she almost wished she had never met him, that she had never brought this pain into his life. Without a doubt his life would have been better if he had never met her, if he had never had to go through all this. On a purely selfish level she was glad she had, because of the love he had brought into her life. The love that she had never felt before meeting him. The love that had made everything seem alright, even this. Also on a practical level, she was glad she had him by her side. She needed him. She would be lost facing this terrible disease without him. She would never have had the courage to decide to end her life with the dignity she desired, without having him by her side, giving her the strength that she lacked. Alone she would have been terrified. Lucy was suffering, a lot, but it was physical suffering. Psychologically she was in a place of acceptance. It had happened to her, uninvited, yet unavoidable. She had found the strength to face her fate, to look it in the eye, and to understand that it could not be evaded, but must be faced up to. The love she had found with James had given her not only the strength to do that, but also the wisdom to understand that this was exactly the way things needed to go. She wanted to die at a time of her choosing, with dignity, and grace. She couldn’t bear the thought of wasting away in a hospital bed, going in and out of a coma, surrounded by her loved ones, who would always remember her in that way. She wanted to be remembered for what she had been, not as some shriveled mass of ugliness wasting away, speechless, in a hospital bed, surrounded by the sights and sounds of death approaching. Her choice was without any doubt a way for her to avoid suffering the pain of the last stages of her cancer, but also she was determined to not leave that memory to those that she loved. Those left behind. She watched as James went in for his first swim of the season. In typical James style, he showed no fear of the still very cold water. He was just that kind of person. He was her pillar of fortitude. He was her backbone, the tenacity that would help her to end her suffering in an acceptable way. The backbone that she lacked, she would take from him. James was sturdiness personified. Lucy prepared a sandwich for him. She knew he would want a hot cup of coffee from the thermos flask, and something to eat after getting out of the cold water. She watched as James swam further out, sometimes diving under the water. How graceful he looked. How beautiful it all seemed. It was the most lovely of sunny spring days. The water was crystal blue, and the surrounding picture frame was one of delightful green. Lucy was overcome with the wonder of life. Tears flowed down her cheeks. Luckily James was too far out in the water to notice. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. She wanted her last moments with him to be full of happiness, pleasant memories for him to cherish.
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James hadn’t really wanted to go out to that beach initially. It had always been a magical place for both of them. To go there in his current frame of mind seemed almost like sullying the beautiful memories that that beach held for him. The memories of them. It had always been a place of happiness for them, he didn’t want to ruin that. On the drive out there he had been quiet, slightly apprehensive. As if sensing his mood, Lucy had also been uncommunicative, lost in her thoughts. He had wondered if maybe she had felt the same way, that it was a mistake to go there. But then, it had been her idea to go for a picnic there. As James swam in the chilly spring water the sadness that had gripped him slowly began to dissipate. Maybe Lucy had made the right choice? Really, this was still their place, and it always would be. In sickness, and in health, this was where they would find each other. The realisation came to him that when Lucy was gone he would always be able to feel her presence in this wondrous place. In his darkest moments he would be able to come here looking for solace. Looking for her. And he would find her. As he swam he looked back at Lucy, preparing their lunch. Well, his lunch really, Lucy virtually couldn’t eat anything anymore, without immediately vomiting it back up. How strong she looked. He couldn’t understand where she got her strength from. How was it possible to be able to face your approaching death with such courage? With such fortitude? James felt so weak, and scared. He knew that he had to hide his fear from Lucy, and try and support her as much as possible. There would be time for tears later. James knew that there would be a lot of tears. Tears would flow like rivers. He would bring Emma and Vicky to this, their special place, and he had no doubt that they would all cry together. But through their tears they would find her, they would feel her presence. He doubted that he would ever recover from the pain that Lucy’s death would cast on him. Yet strangely he would have it no other way. She had also brought light into his dark place, love into his emptiness. His life without having ever met her would have been a life unfulfilled. As he thought of living without her tears came to his eyes. Quickly he dove below the water, as if to hide his tears from Lucy, even though she was too far away to see them. As his tears mixed with the sea water James was determined to never cry in front of her. She needed him. She needed his support. He would say strong, stay focused on that which was important. Lucy. Afterwards he would share his pain with Dave, and Lucy’s friends. He knew that Vicky and Emma, when all was over, would always be a part of his life. The love they had all felt for Lucy would bind them. They would help each other through the pain, and in the good moments they would share all their happy memories of her. They would cry, and they would laugh, as they would share their recollections of different periods, and different episodes, of Lucy’s life. The good, and the bad. They would hold onto her. They would keep her alive. She would live through them. As James walked out of the cold water, Lucy was waiting for him with a towel in her hand, and the sweetest of smiles on her face.
‘Dry yourself off, and then come and have a hot cup of coffee and something to eat. You’ll be needing it after that cold water.’