There wasn’t anything favourable to say about that day right from the start. As soon as she had awoken she had known that nothing good would come from it. She had a strange sensation that enveloped her. Even though spring had arrived, it was a wet and dismal day, which actually combined quite well with Lucy’s mood. Dark, and gloomy. She had trouble concentrating, it was almost as is an impenetrable fog had somehow seeped into her mind. Her thoughts were scattered, and incomplete. Her stomach pain had increased to the point where it completely dominated her life. She had trouble keeping down any but the lightest of fluids, and even then it was always touch and go. Lucy had asked James to accompany her to an appointment with her specialist, partly because she needed his support, but also because she generally found herself so confused, and distant, with her doctors that she would forget to ask the relevant questions. James was good like that, he would always keep on digging until he got the right answers. Although, truth be told, in this case, on that day, Lucy really had a pretty good idea of what to expect. Nothing good. She already knew exactly at what point she was. In a certain sense she was only going to go there to receive confirmation of that which she had already grasped. The end had arrived. More than anything she wanted James to hear that from her doctor. He, not her, was the one who needed convincing. James had come to pick her up, and in silence, reflecting her sombre mood, they had driven to the medical centre. Both of them aware that the news of the day would not be good. They sat there, in the waiting room, holding hands. The strength Lucy got from even such a little thing like that was enormous. She would be lost without James. She studied his face, he was always so resolute. He never showed fear, or uncertainty. He had never lived with all the doubts that had haunted her for most of her life. The doubts that had held her back from living life, even when she had always been surrounded by good things. Lucy squeezed his hand , and smiled at him. James smiled back, leaned over, and kissed her on her cheek.
‘James, thanks so much for.....’
‘Miss Belmore, doctor is ready for you. Follow me please.’
Lucy had been so caught up in her moment with James that she hadn’t noticed the nurse coming towards them. The two of them followed her into the doctor’s studio. As usual her specialist wore his serious, no nonsense, face. The only face he had. This was a man who took his job seriously, and was seen to do so. In that stark moment, curiously, Lucy wondered if that would also be the face he would wear at the dinner table, with his family. Would the family dinner also be a serious affair for him? With no nonsense allowed?
‘Hello Miss Belmore, how are you feeling lately? Are the pain meds still relieving your pain?’
‘Good morning Doctor. Actually they don’t seem to be able to help me much anymore. I’m living in constant pain. It’s really getting hard to cope with.’
‘Are you eating?’
‘Virtually everything I eat, or drink, I end up vomiting back out. If I drink very light things, like soup, I can sometimes manage to keep it down, but...’
Her voice trailed off in mid sentence. In her distant, detached, state of mind she found it demanding to explain how she was coping. The doctor needed no such explanation from her. He was a man of great experience in these things. He could see, and understand perfectly, exactly at what point she was with her cancer. Her brief explanation was sufficient for him.
‘I can see you have lost a lot of weight. You know, it’s not too late to put you back on a course of radiotherapy. That could help to stabilise you, for a while. That would really be the best course of action for you, at this point. You should definitely consider that as an option.’
‘Doctor, when you say it would stabilise me for a while, how long do you mean, exactly?’
Lucy had absolutely no intention of returning to that excruciating regime of torture, but more out of politeness than anything else, she inquired about it’s possible benefits.
‘That’s very hard to say. We would have to wait, and see how your body reacts to the treatment. Everyone has their own different response to the treatment.’
Lucy already knew what her response to the treatment would be. Agony. Quietly, but resolutely, she asked the specialist for a clear-cut answer.
‘Well, would we be talking weeks, or months? Please, be straight with me. You know that I have always wanted to know the truth, no matter how bad it is.’
The doctor raised his head to look her in the eyes, and nodded slightly.
‘I understand. Probably we would be talking the lower end of the spectrum. Unfortunately your cancer has spread extensively. Although this doesn’t mean you couldn’t have some good, quality time left.’
Lucy had understood all that she needed to. She had been polite. Now it was time to be resolute.
‘You know, I appreciate, and thank you, for everything you have done for me, I really do, but I know with surety that I do not want to go down that path. Not anymore. Not for so little gain. What about for my pain? Can you give me some stronger pain relief? I’m really feeling terrible.’
‘Yes I can, definitely. We can increase the dose of the meds you are on, and I will also prescribe something stronger for you. I respect your decision, Miss Belmore, I truly do. Everybody has the right to decide their own pathway through their illness. Each person’s decision is the right one for them. At this point there are no right, or wrong decisions. Nobody else can decide for you. I greatly respect the decision you have taken.’
For a moment the doctor’s usually severe look softened, and he even attempted a slight smile. Something he was obviously not very practised at. With his head bowed he wrote out a couple of prescription forms, which he then handed to Lucy.
‘I hope these will help you, Miss Belmore. Please, feel free to phone me anytime you would like some advice.’
Lucy and James both stood, shook hands with the doctor, and headed towards the door. As James held the door open for her, Lucy looked back at her doctor, still standing, watching them leave.
‘Thank you so much for everything, doctor. You have really been a great help, and comfort to me, through all of this. Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye Lucy.’
For the first time since she had known him, her doctor had addressed her by her first name. Lucy realised that probably he had a good inkling that they would never meet again. As the two of them walked out of the medical facility, James again took her hand. Lucy stopped, and looked at him. She opened her mouth to speak. James quite calmly, and delicately, put a finger up to her lips, and said, quite simply;
‘I know.’
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It had been the strangest of days right from the start. Lucy knew that she should be terrified, that she should be feeling so many sensations of fear, and sadness. At the very least she should be feeling anxious, but she wasn’t. She felt quite good, oddly. She felt a sensation of great serenity flowing through her. An end to her suffering was within sight. Soon her pain would be gone, forever. The first thing she did was to send a message to James, telling him she was awake, and that she was feeling at peace with everything that lay before her. Everything was as it should be. She had slept badly, as usual, but finally she had fallen into a deep sleep around four in the morning. When she had awoken there had been a glorious sunshine streaming into her bedroom. Her constant companion, pain, was, as ever, at her side. However, even through her pain, she felt so tranquil, so at peace with the world. The day had arrived. The day of days. The last of days. Everything she did, drinking a cup of tea, she didn’t even bother trying to eat anymore, or brushing her teeth, had a strange poignancy about it. It was the last time she would ever do those things. Strangely, she made her bed. She couldn’t really understand why, habit probably. In reality it was probably just easier to do everything as she would normally have done. By treating it as just another day it sort of made it all easier. Just another day. This day was just another day. Nonetheless, floating through her mind, there was an incredibly surreal feeling about everything. Lucy decided to take an extra few strong painkillers. If nothing else she would like to glide serenely through the coming proceedings with as little pain as possible. She wouldn’t overdo it, that was for later. Just enough to ease her through the process. By lunchtime, well.... That wasn’t something to reflect on. That was for later. She had her coffee appointments organised for 10.30. Before that she would take one last walk through Riverside Park, a place that she had always loved. A place that had always brought harmony into her life. She had a shower, and dressed slowly, there was no hurry. She wanted to savour every minute of this day. She would live her life right up to the end. Moment by moment. Before leaving her flat, Lucy took one last look around her apartment. It was nice, she had lived well there, although a strong feeling of detachment that had overcome her. It almost seemed to her that she was looking at someone else’s place. A place that was no longer hers. She was starting to feel distant from everything. That was probably good. It meant that she was ready. It was time to get out into the day, and follow her program. As she stepped out into the street, she could see that it was an absolutely glorious day. Beautiful spring sunshine warmed her as she walked towards the park. The warmth on her face calmed her, she had no feelings of doubt. Lucy made sure to keep James updated on her movements, she knew he would already be waiting anxiously for her. Lucy couldn’t wait to be in his arms. She knew that everything would be fine as soon as she got to him, and he held her tightly. His strong arms would protect her, and bring her solace on her journey. It had been her idea to walk into town through the park, even though it was a longer walk, and would be somewhat tiring. For this one last time she wanted to view the beauty, and feel the tranquility it had always brought her. The park was absolutely bristling with all sorts of colours. Different hues, and different tones. The sound of the flowing water in the stream running through the park was like music to her ears. The music of angels. The angels were calling to her. She could hear their voices. They were telling her that everything was going to be alright. She could feel God’s presence in the glory of this, his miraculous creation. She could feel the wonder of life all around her. This would be the happiest of days. This would be the day when she would become one with life. The effect of the extra pills Lucy had taken relieved her of much of her pain, although, as ever, she felt very nauseous. The long walk was tiring for her, but it was just so spectacular that she felt pleased with her idea to see the park, one last time. Occasionally she would stop and sit on a park bench, partly to rest, but also to take in the beauty of the world around her. Rather than feeling sad that she was leaving all of that behind, she felt blessed that she had been a part of it, that she had been a part of something so miraculous. Lucy kept checking her watch. She knew that she had to keep to the timeline. Everything was going perfectly to plan. With her soul brimming over with the exhilarating effect the park had given her, she headed towards the exit, and after a short walk she was already in the town centre. Destiny, and her friends were waiting for her. Lucy had plenty of time, she was slightly ahead of her schedule, so she ambled along the street and looked in the shop windows. She saw a pair of shoes that would be just perfect for her. She burst into uncontrollable laughter. Shoes! They were definitely not the sort of shoes that Cindy would have recommended for her, if she had ever gotten around to going to see her in her shop. She was struck by the peculiarity of people, and the different importance they gave to things in their lives. She couldn’t stop laughing. Passersby were looking at her as if she was crazy. It definitely wasn’t normal behaviour. She realised that. Quite possibly she had taken a pill, or two, too many. Or maybe not. At this point what did it matter? Anyway, what did the world at large know about what this day meant to her? For everybody else it was just another day. For her it was a special day. Her day. She felt that it was good that she could laugh, especially on this of all days. Lucy wanted this to be a day of happiness, not a sad day of goodbyes, but a final day of living. She looked at her watch. It was time. It was time to get the show on the road. Lucy booked a taxi through an app on her phone, for the prearranged time. The schedule had been worked through carefully by her and James. Nothing had been left to chance. Then she walked down the street, and into the first of the two coffee shops she would be visiting that morning. As soon as she entered the shop her aunty waved to her from the table where she had been waiting. Lucy waved back, walked over, and sat down next to her aunty.
‘Goodness gracious Lucy, you’re so thin! Oh my poor girl, aren’t you getting any better?’
Her aunty’s face wore the look of concern expected from a relative in a situation like that. As ever, she was playing the part that had been preordained for her. Lucy felt a moment of sadness that the two of them had never been able to really solidify a true relationship. They were the only family that each of them had. How was it that a close rapport had never blossomed between them?
‘No, it’s a bit of a tough battle this one. Actually aunty, I have such a terrible headache. I’m sorry, but I think I will have to go home, and lie down a bit. I need to take some pills, hang on a second, I will go and get a glass of water.’
With that Lucy went to the serving counter, and asked for a glass of water. She didn’t really want to spend too much time with her aunty, so she planned on getting out of there as fast as possible. The hard part was always going to be saying goodbye to her dear friends, who would be already waiting for her in a nearby coffee shop. As she sat back down at the table she pulled out a large plastic bottle of pills. Making sure that her aunty had a clear view of what she was doing, she tipped about ten of them into her hand, threw them into her mouth, and washed them down with a drink of water.
‘Dear God. Lucy! How many of those pills are you supposed to take?’
Aunty Claire had a very worried expression on her face.
‘Don’t worry, aunty, these aren’t that strong. Plus, if I take plenty of them, hopefully I will be able to sleep off this terrible headache. Look, I’m really sorry aunty, but I do have to head home. My head is just killing me.’
Lucy stood up, and then bent down, and kissed her aunty on the cheek. An intimacy that they weren’t in the habit of doing.
‘Bye aunty.’ she said.
‘You take care, Lucy, and please call me later on this evening. I’m terribly worried about you.’
Lucy stood there, and smiled sweetly at her aunt.
‘Don’t worry, everything is going to be just fine.’
With that Lucy turned on her heels, and left the coffee shop. It was just a two minute walk to the next coffee shop, so the pills didn’t have time to take effect. Although, in any case, she was still feeling the effect of the pills she had taken earlier. She felt like she was floating. Floating delicately towards her destiny, with a great sense of peace. She was at ease with that which awaited her. She looked at the sky with it’s fluffy white clouds. Everything was as it should be. The world was a marvelous place to be, and this was a marvelous day. Right then she received a message from the taxi driver saying that he was waiting. She replied that she was running a bit late, to keep the meter running, and that she would be there as soon as possible. He wouldn’t be worried because it was all paid through the app, so he would wait for her as long as she wanted. The schedule of the plan was running smoothly. Actually, the fact that Lucy had a timeline to follow, a schedule to keep to, really helped to make it all a lot easier for her. She could stop herself from dwelling on the greater significance of what was really happening, and just concentrate on keeping to the prearranged details of the program. She quickly sent James a message, letting him know where she was. As soon as she entered the second coffee shop she saw her two friends sitting at a table by the window. A smile found it’s way onto her face with ease as she approached them, but in her heart she felt a great sense of disquiet. This was not going to be easy. The two of them quickly stood, and hugged her affectionately.
‘How are you, Lucy?’ asked Emma, with tears already in her eyes. ‘You know you are all skin and bones. How are you coping?’
As they all sat down Lucy replied;
‘Well, I have good days, and not so good days. Today I have a monster headache. In fact, I don’t think I will be able to stay long. I probably should get back to bed, and try to sleep it off.’
Vicky rubbed Lucy’s shoulder, and gave her the sweetest of smiles.
‘My poor lovely angel, we are both so worried about you. What can we do for you? Whatever you need, you know we are here for you.’
Lucy reached over the table, and placed each hand on of the shoulders of both of her friends.
‘You will never know what you have already done for me. Both of you, over all these years. My life would have been totally empty without the friendship, and love, that the two of you have shared with me. There are no words to thank you for that.’
Lucy smiled at each of them in turn, then stood up, and hugged them both affectionately, where they sat.
Emma started to cry. She could barely speak through her tears.
‘It’s us that should be thanking you. To see the strength and courage in you, what with everything you are going through. I love you so much.’
Emma’s body was shaking with the emotion she felt. Lucy, after having sat down again, reached over and took Emma’s hand in hers. She comforted her friend with a soothing voice.
‘Don’t cry, my darling friend. Here we are, all three of us together. What could be better than this? The two of you have filled my life, and my heart, for so many years. Let’s make this a joyous day.’
Vicky had a strange look on her face. It was almost as if she could sense that something was going on.
‘Lucy, is there something you aren’t telling us? You know, you can tell us everything. We will be by your side through thick and thin. You know that, don’t you?’
Lucy felt such love, being with her friends. How lucky she had been to have found such fantastic life companions to be at her side, through all those years. She smiled.
‘Don’t worry, Vicky, this is just a bit of a strange day for me. Tomorrow I’m sure I will be feeling better. Can you get me a glass of water, please?’
‘Of course.’
Vicky stood, and before heading off to get the water for Lucy, bent down, and kissed Lucy on her head. Emma held a handkerchief to her eyes, drying her tears, and said to Lucy;
‘I’m sorry, Lucy, I know you don’t want to see us crying. It’s just that I don’t have your courage. You are so strong through all this. You are just so amazing. I wish I had half your strength.’
Vicky returned, and placed a glass of water in front of Lucy. Lucy would have loved to stay longer with her friends, for hours, and hours, but she could already feel the beginning of the effects of the pills she had swallowed taking hold. The pills she had taken with her aunty. She desperately wanted to be able to talk with James before she lost control totally. She took the bottle of pills out of her bag, tipped around a dozen of them into her hand, and threw them into her mouth, washing them down with a drink of water.
‘My God, Lucy,’ said Vicky, worried, ‘that’s a lot of pills! What are you doing?’
‘Oh, don’t worry. I will shoot home, and try and sleep off this headache. I’m really sorry my two darling loves, but I really do have to go.’
All three of them stood, and Lucy hugged, and kissed them both repeatedly. In the softest of voices she spoke her last words ever to them.
‘Thank you, my dearest friends, thank you with all my heart. Thank you for all of the love you have always given me. Don’t worry, everything will be just fine, I promise. It’s all going to be okay. I love you both, so very, very much.’
Both of her friends were crying uncontrollably, but Lucy stayed strong. She had to. She needed to get back to James. There she would be able to let herself go. There she would be able to let herself be free. She walked towards the door, turning around to smile, and wave at her friends, her lovely, fantastic friends. They both waved back, through their tears, and with that Lucy was out of the door, and heading towards her taxi, waiting just down the road. She didn’t even need to tell the driver where to go, it had all been arranged through the app. Within minutes she would be with her love. James.
‘Excuse me, do you have some water? I need to take some pills?’
‘Sorry, love, I don’t.’ replied the driver.
‘Oh, that’s alright, I should be able to swallow them anyway.’
In clear view of his rear view mirror, Lucy took out her pills, and poured them straight from the bottle into her mouth, swallowing them two, or three, at a time, until the bottle was empty. As expected, it hadn’t gone unnoticed.
‘Hey, love, that’s a lot of pills you’re taking there. Is everything alright?’
‘Yes, of course, don’t worry, they are only vitamins.’
Lucy dropped the empty plastic pill bottle on the floor of the taxi. By that time they had arrived, and Lucy could see him waiting for her, out on the footpath. James. She was coming home. She wouldn’t have to stay strong anymore. She wouldn’t have to keep on holding firm. Now she would be able to let herself go. From that point on James would be her strength. Her part was over. The taxi pulled over, and stopped.
‘Thank you, driver.’ she said as she got out of the taxi, and fell into the arms of her James. They embraced each other for what seemed like forever. Then, without a word spoken James led her into his apartment.
----------
James had had a sleepless night, not that he had expected anything else. In the early hours he had gotten out of bed, and started pacing around his apartment. He even did a bit of cleaning, anything, just to occupy his mind. Anything to block out the endless thoughts of the coming day. He was such a nervous wreck. He kept looking at his watch, knowing, as he did, how ridiculous that was. He felt a sense of relief when, finally, the sun came up. The day had officially begun. Now he could at least put aside any thoughts of sleep, and concentrate on that which was to come. The day ahead. Was he doing the right thing? Was this really the best option for Lucy? His mind was constantly bombarded with thoughts, and doubts. Stupid ones. He had been over it all so many times that it was really a waste of time repeatedly going through it all. In his heart he knew that Lucy had chosen the right path for her. The only path. She was wasting away, and living in constant pain. Life was slowly abandoning her. At the very most she would have a few weeks, maybe a month, probably not more, of endless agony before the end. And the approaching end would be very inglorious, eventually being forced to be hospitalised and ending her life lying in pain in a hospital bed. James knew how much Lucy wanted to avoid being in that piteous state. However, knowing that didn’t stop the endless thoughts, and doubts, from creeping in. Today he would be saying goodbye to the woman he loved. How could he do that? As if reading his thoughts, and his state of consternation, in that precise moment he received a message from Lucy, telling him that she was up, and that she was feeling at peace with what lay ahead. That helped him a bit to block out the endless stream of reflections, of doubts. The constant thoughts of apprehension that dogged him. This was the only way. Well, at least, it was the best way. The best option of a bad choice of options. It was the way that Lucy had decided was right for her. As her doctor had said to them, there was no right or wrong way, each person had to choose the right path for themself. He had to respect that. He was being called on to help her through this most terrible of days. He was being requested to help Lucy to find a joyful place. A place where she could live free of her suffering. A place where she could be at peace. He had a shower, and got dressed. Something to eat was out of the question, he was far too agitated for that, but he made himself a cup of coffee. Now he just had to wait. How hard that was. James desperately wanted something to do, to be with Lucy, something, anything rather than this. Waiting was so difficult. Time refused to pass. Luckily he was getting regular messages from Lucy, telling him where she was, and how she was feeling. Lucy sent him a lovely photo of the park. How lovely the colours of spring were. Lucy wrote that she felt such a sense of well-being there. With a start, James saw the time the photo had been sent. 10.05. My God!, he thought. This was happening. He started pacing around his flat again, endlessly looking at his watch. By the time 10.30 came around he was already out on the street waiting. He made a conscious decision to stop looking at his watch, and to try and put his mind at ease. He needed to find a calmful state of being. He needed to be ready for what was coming. Lucy would expect that from him. He closed his eyes, and felt the warm sunshine on his face. He felt the beauty of the day. The warmth of the sun gave him the energy he needed. James was determined to remain strong. This one last time, he would try to pull out any hidden depths of strength he could find. For Lucy. He would do it for Lucy. He forced the doubts, and constant nagging thoughts from his mind, and concentrated on what he had to do. What he had to do was probably the most important, and the most difficult thing he had ever been called on to do in his life. He would not fail her. James heard a car pull into his street. He could immediately see Lucy, sitting in the back of the car, looking for him. His love had arrived. As soon as she got out of the car they hugged each other. In that moment neither of them spoke. Words were no longer necessary. They both knew, and felt, all they needed to. Calmly James put his arm around Lucy, and led her into his flat. James could feel that Lucy was unsteady on her feet, obviously the drugs she had taken were unleashing their effects. Without letting her go, he led Lucy to his couch, where they both sat down. Lucy’s phone was ringing, although Lucy seemed to be totally unaware of that. James took her phone out of her bag, and saw that it was Vicky calling He put the phone on silent mode. He would call her later. He would call everyone later. That time would come. For now he had only one thing to do. To be with Lucy.
‘James, I’m so happy that I am finally here with you. James, I feel so blessed. I feel so free. I love you so much. Hold me, James, please hold me tight, and never let me go. Hold me forever.’
James’s heart was bursting with the love he felt for Lucy.
‘I’m here, my dearest girl. I’m here with you, and you will always be here with me. I will hold you tightly in my arms, I will hold you tightly in my heart, forever.’
‘Please, James, be a good friend to Emma and Vicky. Give them the strength that you have given me. They will really need that.’
What an incredible person she was, James thought. Even now, at this point, she was thinking of others, and how they would be affected by her death. How could anyone have such courage? How could anyone have such fortitude?
‘Of course I will. Really I will need them more than they will need me. We will keep you alive. You will be with us forever. You will always be a part of us, and our lives. We will all help each other. Really, they will be the ones helping me. Don’t worry about that now. Now you are here wi