15. In the shade of trees

 

 

The day itself was an extremely beautiful, sunny day, completely at odds with the sombre events being played out. The laying to rest of a dear, loved one. The bright sunshine should have evoked thoughts of optimism, happiness, and grace. Instead it brought only sadness, and pain. It would have been far more fitting if it had been an overcast, grey, gloomy day. The sort of day when pain and suffering were palpable, when you could almost reach out and touch them, grasp them in your hand. For some reason, the Gods, in their inexplicable wisdom, had decided to send Lucy off in a blaze of delightful sunlight. Almost as if it was the birth of something good, instead of the last farewell to a treasured soul. All through the funeral service Claire had wept quietly to herself. The late morning sunlight shone through the stained glass windows, seemingly illuminating the figure of baby Jesus. That only seemed to add more pain to the suffering which she already felt. It almost accentuated the fact that she had betrayed Lucy, God, and herself. The only person she had had left of her family was now gone. Although, as Claire well knew, she had really turned her back on Lucy all those years ago. For twenty five years she had tried to avoid her as much as possible. For twenty five years she had in some way held Lucy to blame for her role in the vicious attack on her by her father. How was it possible to have been so stupid? Lucy had been ten years old, and had had the flu. She could not have been more innocent. She had played no role whatsoever in what had happened. Her father, Albert, had used her illness, along with the fact that Jean had been called back to the hospital to do a double shift, merely as a pretext for getting Claire to go to their house that evening. In a drunken rage he had used Lucy as bait, and Claire had walked into the trap. She hadn’t really blamed Lucy for the rape, but because of the role she had played in it she had distanced herself from her, as if by distancing herself from Lucy she would have been able to distance herself from the brutality of that night. As the years had passed that distance had only grown. And all the while neither Lucy, nor, when she was still alive, Jean, had known anything about it. For some reason, out of fear, or perhaps shame, she had obeyed Albert, and had told no one what he had done to her. Not even after his death. The worst thing was that the distance she had put between herself and Lucy hadn’t achieved anything anyway. The memory of that night had remained with her, fixed in her mind, in all it’s minimal details. If anything, the loneliness, and pain of her life had always just grown, the memories evermore vivid, forcing her to rely more and more on booze to get her through the day. Maybe if she had chosen to speak to someone, anyone, about it, she could have found a valve to release the built up pressure? Maybe if she had chosen to get closer to Lucy she would have had less need to prop herself up with the bottle? Maybe by building a close relationship with Lucy it would have actually helped her to get over the trauma from that night? Now she would never know. Now it was all far too late. The stupidity of her actions would haunt her for the rest of her life. Twenty five years of holding a grudge against a ten year old child who’s only fault was that her father had used her illness to bait a trap. And now she was gone. The sweetest most lovable person was gone, and she had pushed her from her life so long ago, for such a ridiculous reason. Now she was completely alone, her only company the bottle. And she knew that she would be needing that more and more. Claire had needed a few shots of gin to even face the church service. After the service was over, she couldn’t bear the thought of watching her dear Lucy being buried, disappearing definitively from her life under six feet of soil. She felt such a sense of shame for how she had treated Lucy, so she decided to leave early. The only friend she had left was calling her, her gin bottle was crying out to her.

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To say that James was distraught would have been the understatement of the century. He had barely spoken a word all day. It was all he could do to try and maintain some semblance of composure. He desperately wanted to be strong for this day, this most important day of final farewells. Luckily he had Dave to help him through it. Dave hadn’t left his side for a moment, taking care of him, propping him up when James seemed on the verge of collapse. Mercifully the church service had been brief, but James had always known that the hardest part would have been watching Lucy’s coffin being lowered into the ground. In fact he had closed his eyes, and leaned heavily on Dave at that moment, it was just too unbearable. His legs had almost given out on him. It was only with Dave’s support that he could remain standing.

‘I’ve got you brother, just lean on me. I’ll get you through.’

Words of strength, words of support. Much needed words. James had wanted to thank Dave, but no words would come. Some people had spoken at the cemetery, but he hadn’t been able to focus enough to know who, or what they had said. In some moments, in his confusion, he thought he was again at Charlie’s funeral. Both losses almost seemed to blend into one, insurmountable loss. A loss that would stay with him forever, a loss that would define, and condition his life from then on. But that would be for other days, for now, all he wanted to do was to be able to get through this day. This despairing day. After Lucy’s body had been laid to rest in the place she would spend eternity, people started to leave the cemetery, some to go home, others to go to the wake that Lucy’s friends had organised in the church hall. James wasn’t sure whether he would have been able to handle the wake. The confusion of all the people around made him feel like he was suffocating.

‘Dave, can we stay here for a while?’

‘Of course we can.’

Dave helped his friend over towards the now empty chairs that had been set up in rows in front of Lucy’s grave. He helped his friend to sit down under the shade of a tree, and let him lean on him, supporting his weight. James looked around at the beauty of Lucy’s final resting place. The cemetery was overflowing with green, well kept lawns, and magnificent trees were everywhere. For such a tragic, sad place, it was a scene of great beauty, and tranquility. Lucy would have loved it there. It was like being buried in a wonderful park. In this graceful place Lucy could really rest in peace. She had found the place she had been looking for. She had found serenity.

Someone sat down next to him. It was Susan. She took his hand in hers, and looked at him with a bittersweet smile.

‘You’d think we would be experts on these things by now, wouldn’t you? But really the pain is always just as hard to bear. It never gets easier. I’m so terribly sorry about your loss, James. Lucy seems to have been such a nice person. I’m glad you found happiness in your life, no matter how briefly.’

James squeezed her hand. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so many things the two of them had never said, so many things that they should have said. But that would have to wait for another time. This day wasn’t a day of words for him.

‘You know, you did the right thing leaving. It was the best thing to do for both of us. We... I, had fallen into a cycle of... well, I don’t really know how to explain it. It wasn’t that I blamed you for Charlotte’s death, Charlie’s death, but for some reason I took my pain, and anger out on you. Instead of being brought closer to you, I felt myself almost despising you. Because you were still alive, and she was gone. I don’t know why, I can’t really understand it myself. She was ours, we should have shared her even in death. I was wrong, James, so wrong. I really can’t apologise enough to you for the way I treated you. Anything I can do for you now, in this terrible time for you, you can count on me. Anything. I will be here you now, like I wasn’t back then, after Charlie was taken from us.’

Tears were streaming down Susan’s face.

‘Can I ask something of you, James? Can we do now what we should have done after Charlie’s death? Can we keep her alive by talking about her, by remembering her, all the good things. Can we try to become friends, friends who will hold Charlotte tightly, and never let her go?’

James squeezed Susan’s hand.

‘That would be lovely.’

‘I’ll leave you now. I’ll leave you to get through this most difficult day. I’m really so sorry for your loss, James.’

Susan raised James’s hand to her lips, and kissed him. She smiled, and without a further word got up, and walked away. Dave had been following the conversation closely.

‘Jimmy, that was really nice of her. You know, she is a great person. It would be good for the both of you to talk. I know I have really failed you in that department. I have never been able to bring myself to talk about Charlie’s death with you. She was just slightly younger than Penny, and I just couldn’t imagine the pain you must have felt after losing her. I just couldn’t face it. I’m going to change, James, I’m going to be a better person, a better friend. What say, when you are ready, the two of us take some flowers to her grave, and talk, really talk?’

James looked at his friend, and put an arm around his shoulders.

‘You’ve never let me down, Dave, never. You’ve always been the best friend I could have ever hoped for. Listen, Dave, I don’t think I can handle being around people anymore today. What say you take me home, then you can come back to the wake? I just can’t take anymore.’

‘Sure, man, I’ll take you home, and then I’ll stay with you there. I’m not leaving you alone for a minute today, not this day.’

Dave helped James to his feet, and the two friends walked across the well tendered lawns towards the carpark. With all the combined suffering, and losses the two of them had endured, their friendship would only become ever stronger. They had each other, and that was no little thing.

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If ever there was a day that she needed some wine, this was it. The second glass really hit the spot for Emma. She had cried her eyes out at the church service, and all through the burial of her much loved friend. She had had enough of crying. She felt that she could cry no more, and didn’t want to, even if she could. Sitting next to her was Vicky, staring into space, as she fiddled with the stem of the empty wine glass in her hand. The church hall which had been decked out for the wake, was almost empty. The people who had felt obliged to go to Lucy’s funeral had gone off home, leaving only her few, real friends. Apart from Emma and Vickys’ families there was just a splattering of people, and they were probably only there for the free food and drink.

‘Vicky, that was absolutely beautiful, what you said at the funeral. I’m sorry I left it all up to you, but I just couldn’t bring myself to speak, without breaking into tears. Come on Vicky, get another one into you. The time for tears is over. Now we have to remember her how she was, the good times, the good person she was, and try and plan for how we will keep her alive in our thoughts, and hearts.’

Vicky’s only answer was to glance fleetingly at her friend, before returning to her busy fidgeting. Emma went to the table that had been set up as a bar, and poured out two glasses of white wine. She had half finished her glass by the time she got back to where Vicky was sitting, desultorily and despondent. Emma handed her a glass.

‘Come on Vicks, drink this medicine, and let’s get chatting about Lucy.’

Vicky reached over with her hand, and took the glass. She took a long drink of wine.

‘Yeah, I know you’re right, I’m just finding this day too hard to take. Really we’ve known for months that it was coming, but now it’s here, it’s just so overwhelming. I think you’re right. The answer is definitely alcohol.’

She finished the contents of the wine glass, and stood up.

‘I need another one of these.’

Without another word she headed across to the temporary bar, and returned with two more glasses of wine.

‘Come on then, you, finish that drink, and get started on this one.’

Emma threw down the last of the wine in her glass, and reached for the fresh drink being offered her.

‘You know, I’ve been really thinking about how much courage Lucy had. The way she dealt with her cancer, and the strength she showed in her decision to die with dignity, at a time of her choosing. That was so brave of her. I wish I had half her courage.’

Vicky took Emma’s hand in hers.

‘You do! What are you saying? You’ve always been strong. We can get through this, together. We have to.’

‘Actually, Vicks, there’s something I have never told you about. Something big. Now’s not the time, but one of these days we will need to have a good natter.’

Vicky’s face turned to a contortion of pain.

‘No, Emma, not you too! Please, don’t tell me...’

‘No no, calm down, I’m not sick, or anything like that, but it’s something I need to sort out. When the time is right we’ll talk.’

‘OK, whenever you are ready I will be here for you. When you are ready, let me know. You know something that really annoyed me, Em? Lucy’s aunt turned up at the church service, made a big show of sobbing, and what have you, but she couldn’t even be bothered going to the cemetery to say her final farewells. I know they weren’t really that close, but I would have expected a bit more from her than that. That really annoyed me.’

‘Yes, I noticed that myself. Family ties can be very tenuous. Anyway, she had us, and we had her. Vicky, we were her family.’

Emma smiled at her friend, and gave her a hug, as the two of them sat there, drinking their wines.

‘She always had us, and she always will.’

Vicky forced out a smile.

‘Yes, it will always be the three of us, forever. Oh, and we must remember to include James in our plans, he will need our help through this, and I know that that is what Lucy would have wanted.’

‘That’s for sure. I saw Dave taking him home after the burial. Poor old James could barely walk on his own. He looked absolutely devastated. I know you and Dave have your shared ‘thing’, but we have to look past that, for James.’

Vicky pulled a slightly bitter looking expression.

‘Don’t worry. That is all dead in the water. We will be able to see each other, without that poking it’s ugly head up, don’t worry about that.’

At that moment Jerry wandered over, a half empty glass of whiskey in his hand.

‘Hi there, you two.’ he said, as he glanced at his watch.

A fire of rage burned through Emma. The sadness in her turned into uncontrollable fury.

‘Is there somewhere you need to be, Jerry?’

The anger in her voice grew.

‘Are we boring you with the funeral of our best friend?’

Jerry was taken aback, with the violent reaction of his wife. Vicky looked at her friend in great surprise. She couldn’t understand what had set Emma off. Jerry tried to placate Emma.

‘Of course not, I.....’

‘When I get home I want you gone. Get out of here, pick up whatever you need, and fuck off out of my life! Is that clear?’

The rage in Emma had reached breaking point.

‘Go and stay with whichever slut you are currently screwing. She can cook for you, and clean your clothes for you. The hotel is shut. Your booking is canceled. Get the fuck out of my house, and out of my life, you two-timing arsehole!’

Jerry just stood there, transfixed with surprise.

‘Go, now!’

Jerry somehow found his voice, through his surprise.

‘But what about you, you and Craig?’

‘Craig what? You fucking idiot. Get out of here, you bastard! Any of your stuff that is still in the house when I get back, I will burn it all! Get out of my sight!’

Jerry finally realised that there was nothing he could say to Emma, especially in the mood she was in, and turned quickly and left. The anger in Emma turned to pain, and she started crying. Vicky embraced her, as they sat side by side, and kissed her on the side of her head.

‘Why didn’t you tell us this was going on? Emma, why did you keep all this bottled up? We could have helped you.’

Vicky placed her hand on Emma’s jaw, and gently raised her face so that they could look at each other in the eyes.

‘Why didn’t you tell us?’

Emma wiped the tears from her eyes, and looked for an explanation to give to her friend.

‘I felt so ashamed, embarrassed I suppose. But you know what? After seeing all the courage Lucy had through her final months, I realise now that I have to stop being a mouse. The doormat he cleans his shoes on when he comes home from his sluts. If Lucy could find that strength, to get through what she had to, well, I think I can do this. I’m sick of being treated as his housemaid. I guess I was scared to face life by myself, bringing up two boys, all on my own. But I was wrong. Lucy showed me that. I can do it. I have to do it.’

Vicky’s face showed a mixture of sadness, and resolve, all mixed together.

‘Of course you can! And don’t you worry, I will be with you all the way. It’s just the two of us now. If we help each other we can get through whatever shit the world throws at us.’

Vicky put her arms around Emma, who had started sobbing again.

‘We can do anything. Lucy showed us that. She showed us that when you need to find that inner strength, somehow, you can dig it out. You’ll get through this, and you’ll come out of it stronger than ever.’

Emma looked up at Vicky. She smiled through her tears.

‘I know I will. Actually I’m not even scared about having to face it all without Jerry. I know I can do it. One thing, though. You know, you are wrong. It’s not just the two of us now. It will always be the three of us. Lucy will always be with us. She will be the force that helps us through anything, and everything. Whatever obstacle life throws in our way. When we need it, we will be able to call on her firmness, and resolve. She will be with us all the way. She will be the light that guides us, giving us the strength to find the right path.’