In Consentopia there’s no such thing as violence of any kind, and certainly not sexual assault! In Consentopia, women, people of color, and LGBTQIA folks are treated fairly at all times. There’s no sexualization, fetishization, or eroticization of women, children, men… let alone inanimate objects (like BANANAS, for example).
Everyone walks around with a sense of security in Consentopia. You never need to worry about safety issues. You never need to wonder how much skin is too much.
Day by day, people are waking up to the reality that things need to change. We need to change the fact that many women and girls feel unsafe around men. We need to change the fact that little girls are being sent home from school for showing “too much skin” (a roundabout way of sexualizing female children). We need to change the fact that every two minutes, someone is raped in the United States of America. We need to change the fact that in 33 states rapists can sue their victim for custody rights. We need to change the fact that 97% of rapists never spend a day in jail. We need to change the fact that most survivors feel unsafe to speak up and report a crime.
This e-book will demonstrate ways we can create a better world by establishing a culture of consent, or, in other words, Consentopia!
More and more people are talking about consent every single day, so much so, that depictions in the media are even changing. We are in it to win it when it comes to consent!
To start, let’s address the fears that most people have in regard to using consent. In the past few years as a consent educator, I have gotten a lot of push-back on the implementation of verbal consent in the bedroom. Tons of people believe that adding verbal consent to their sex life will take away from it, ruin the mood, and make sex even more awkward than it already is.
From research I’ve done inside and outside of the bedroom, I have found that verbal consent only spices things up! Being a survivor of sexual assault, it always meant so much to find a partner who actively asked for consent each time we had sex. Just hearing words like, “Can I touch you here?” or “How do you like that?” always got my juices flowing. When I decided to try it out myself and start verbally asking others for consent, I realized that it turned my partners on quicker than ever!
Using consent in the bedroom increases pleasure because it builds trust, creates a stronger bond between you and your partner(s), and also it demonstrates respect and compassion.
With that being said, does consent ruin the mood? The short answer is “no”. The long answer is: only if you have convinced yourself that it will! *wink*
And, let’s be real: if the mood is all you’re worried about when it comes to sex, you’ve got your priorities messed up because nothing ruins the mood like rape. You can quote me on that!
Consent should be your main priority in the bedroom. Consent can make or break the mood. Focus on consent first!
There are two unique ideas I would like to introduce to the consent culture conversation. First, I would like to discuss consent in regard to energy. (As an energy healer, this is critical!) Secondly, I would like to discuss consent and unwanted commentary.
Have you ever been in the middle of minding your own business when someone came along with negative energy that threw your whole day off? Whether it was complaints, attacks, or frustration…you didn’t ask to be on the receiving end of bad vibes.
In order to create a culture of consent, we must hold ourselves accountable for problematic behavior. This includes our demeanor and the vibrations we send out into the Universe.
When you are pissed off and need to vent, find a person who consents to holding space for you. You can also channel those emotions into writing, sports, art, music, meditation, and spiritual practices.
Refrain from carelessly spreading
negative energy to others carelessly. Find a way to speak to someone (whether it be a friend or therapist) who can be there for you and truly help you.
Often times, we take our anger out on others. From now on, express your emotions in a manner that empowers you and the listener(s). When you are irritated for no reason, stop, slow down, and check in with yourself. Ask yourself: Why am I angry? Is that really why I’m angry? How can I channel these emotions in an empowering manner? What will uplift me the most right now?
Focus on solutions instead of allowing yourself to fall into self-loathing or self-sabotage, that way, the people around you will not become victims to toxic energy.
The first step toward consent culture starts with holding yourself accountable for your thoughts, actions, energy, and words. The more you put out positive energy, the more you receive in return.
I have a friend who has an alarm set for every day at 1:11pm. The message that pops up when the alarm rings is, “What were you just thinking?” It’s a way of holding himself accountable for his thoughts so that he can improve his way of thinking and break negative thought patterns.
What is the energy of consent culture? Love. When you emanate the energy of love, you attract it. When you shine your light, it reflects onto others. Putting consent culture in the forefront of your mind means you are putting love on a pedestal.
When it comes to consent and energy, always be sure to emit the highest vibration possible. This means refraining from judgement, negativity, and egoic thoughts of separation.
By letting love lead your life, you are bound to attract an abundance of positive circumstances.
Next, I would like to address consent and unwanted commentary. Before you start preaching about “freedom of speech”, you should know that your right to free speech protects you from government censorship. That’s what freedom of speech is about. Just because you have the right to say what’s on your mind, doesn’t mean that you should communicate violently.
The number one targeted community of people who receive unwanted commentary on a daily basis are women. Women are constantly receiving unsolicited advice, told what to do, how to act, what to wear, when to speak, and how to exist by men.
The control of women began when Europeans arrived in Afrika. They saw beautiful, voluptuous naked women walking around with exposed breasts and immediately sexualized them. Natives were given garments to cover up. They declared the natural state of a woman’s body “indecent”. They vilified and sexualized breasts, while completely overlooking their main function: to nourish babies.
The colonization and brutal rape of Afrikan women changed the Motherland forever. Eventually, men of all backgrounds began to sexualize women leading to a greater problem: the emergence of rape culture and the patriarchy.
This change did not happen overnight. From generation to generation, rape culture trickled down and eventually it became a lifestyle.
We see the glorification and objectification of women everywhere in the media. Women’s bodies are used to sell everything from cars to hamburgers, even though it has been scientifically proven that sex doesn’t sell.
As they say, if the product was any good, they wouldn’t need a bikini model to push it to the public.
As pioneers of consent culture, it’s our duty to find ways to educate young boys and girls about consent so that they grow up to be respectful individuals. When you fail to educate children about consent and send them off into the world, you are directly contributing to rape culture as a parent, whether you intend to or not.
Every child should learn that their body is THEIRS. Let them know that they are safe to communicate with you about their sexual experiences, consensual or not.
Talking about sex should not make you squeamish. Sex is the most important thing that people need to learn about, but, are rarely educated on. Instead of waiting for our school systems to catch up, parents and parental guardians must start now in educating the future generations on consent culture.
Photo by Ana Harff, 2016, Buenos Aires, Argentina
“A LESSON ON CONSENT: I’ve always been a nudist, but, after getting raped in 2015, I started spending even more time in the nude to reclaim my body and heal.
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The first thing I did after the assault was go to the jungle of South Africa where I skinny dipped in waterfalls with strangers and swam naked in the Indian Ocean. Men I didn’t know saw me and the other women naked. They didn’t stare, harass, or even touch us. They got naked, too, and we all swam and had fun!
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SEXUALIZATION IS A CHOICE. Men are not helpless beasts with no control over their sexual appetite.
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You can choose to respect someone, or, you can choose to submit to your lower self and sexualize them.
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A lot of men think they don’t have a choice due to cultural programming. How many times has a man sexually assaulted/harassed you (in one way or another) and made the excuse that he “couldn’t help it”?
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We know you can do better, men, and we will hold you do a higher standard.
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What’s interesting is that I’m over here being naked to heal and reclaim my body, yet, my dad had the nerve to tell me to stop posting nude pics online.
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Parents to need learn and understand that your child’s body is THEIR BODY. You have NO RIGHT to tell anyone what to do with their body and it doesn’t matter who you are!
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This is my freedom. This is my healing. If you don’t get it, you don’t have to. This is not about you.
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This is about overcoming the worst of the worst and you’re not helping by dictating what someone else should do with their body...especially if you’re speaking to someone who has been raped.”
-Originally posted on Instagram December 12, 2016