There are two types of consent: enthusiastic consent and apprehensive consent. Since each of these types of consent are so complex, I’m going to explain them separately:
Often referred to as “affirmative consent”, for some, this term can be off-putting. You don’t have to sign a legal document or throw confetti in the air to establish consent. Enthusiastic consent simply means that all participating parties, without a shadow of a doubt, fully consent.
There are several traits that make up enthusiastic consent. Let’s take a closer look:
Enthusiastic consent is sober.
A person under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot consent because they are not in a clear state of mind to engage in sexual activity with someone. Drugs and alcohol are often used by sexual predators to prey on victims.
I was sexually assaulted by my own cousin when I was eighteen. He gave me an ecstasy pill and then he watched my every move. The first chance he got, he followed me into the bathroom and assaulted me for several hours.
In many cultures around the world it is deemed socially acceptable to mix alcohol and sex. Nightclubs and bars worldwide offer free entry and free alcohol to women, to attract paying male customers like bait. Men swarm these places because they know the women will be drunk by the time they arrive, offering them an easier shot at taking someone home.
How can we safely mix alcohol and sex? Well, my advice is: just don’t. Some people can hold their liquor very well, while others, have one sip of beer and are on the floor. When you are just getting to know someone, it’s even more important to get to know their alcohol tolerance and limits.
One way to mix alcohol and sex is to party it up at night, and then have sex in the morning when the booze has worn off. That way, you can be sure that you and your partner are sober enough to consent. You can still take a hot new fling home, but, instead of a one-nightstand, you’d be having a one-morning-stand!
I worked in a lesbian night club in New York City for a year. On a slow Sunday night that I’ll never forget, the most beautiful girl in the world sat at the bar falling off the stool, too drunk to even sit.
As soon as I caught her eye, she was all over me, kissing my cheek, hugging and grabbing at me. She slurred all the sexy things she could think of in my ear. She persisted and insisted on going home with me, but I refused. She was not in a position to consent, and, as the least drunk of the two, it was my responsibility to take care of her. No matter how much she thought she was consenting, no matter how much she thought she was okay to have sex, her drunkenness told me otherwise.
If a drunk person is coming on to you, be the bigger person and reject their advances. Give them your number and suggest meeting another time. If you yourself are drunk and horny, consider waiting until you sober up a bit or enjoy some self-pleasure. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and can often create blocks in our chakras (particularly the throat) that prevent us from expressing ourselves fully when under the influence of drugs and alcohol.
Your sexual and mental health can be uplifted to higher and higher levels by refraining from mixing alcohol and sex.
Enthusiastic consent is informed.
Informed consent means that all parties are aware that sexual activity is going to take place. You should always be upfront with partners about your relationship status (single, married, etc.) and sexual health status.
Before having sex with someone, talk to them about your intentions. Open and honest communication with that person will give you the opportunity to learn if they are interested in you. For example, you have a crush on a someone and invite them over for a hangout session, instead of making a surprise move, focus on the present moment while you get to know each other.
Even though TV and film depict people pouncing on each other without a word, this is not the proper way to initiate sex, especially with a partner you’re still getting to know. If you want to have sex with someone, ASK FIRST!
Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!
In other words, don’t say to someone, “hey come into this broom closet” and then surprise them with a kiss, when they assumed they were just going to sweep…ya dig?
That’s what informed consent is about. People need to know what they are signing up for. Make your intentions clear. Ask them about theirs. Discuss your sexual likes/dislikes and, then, have fun!
Just remember to be open and honest. Doing so it lets your partner know that although you’re attracted to them, safety and comfort are priorities for you.
Instead of saying, “Wanna watch Netflix and chill?” state clearly, “Wanna watch a movie and maybe fool around?” There is no need to create an ambiguous code when there are dozens of ways to inform someone of your intentions. Some people actually want to watch Netflix and chill, not get felt up without their consent. If a person says, “yes” to “Netflix and chill” or if someone says “yes” to going home with you from a bar, don’t assume they want sex. Consent cannot be assumed.
If you are polyamorous, it is your responsibility to inform partners if you are already in a relationship or married. If you purposefully withhold this pertinent information, you are preying upon someone who would not otherwise consent, if given the full information. Unless you have an understanding with your partner that involves a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, you should also inform your primary partner that you are sleeping with other people. If your partner has not consented to you being with other people, it’s cheating. The basis of polyamorous relationships is CONSENT.
Enthusiastic consent is ongoing.
Consent must be ongoing: from foreplay to intercourse and from intercourse to conception. You can be completely naked on top of someone and still say, “no”. Your “no” should always be respected. Even if you’re already in the middle of having sex, you have every right to stop at any point. It’s never too late to ask your partner to stop. They must always respect your wishes when you say no, just as you must always respect their “no” when it is given.
Consent to one act is not consent to all. Consent to kissing is not consent to sex.
Consent to oral is not consent to penetration. Consent to vaginal sex is not consent to anal sex. You never owe any one anything, under any circumstances, and vice versa!
The moment you deny consent, your partner should immediately stop!
The moment your partner denies consent, hands off!
You are welcome to communicate ways to feel more comfortable, but you do not owe anyone an explanation about why you don’t want to have sex with them. It’s not your job to explain. That’s the whole concept behind, “no means no”. “No” is a complete sentence all by itself. It should not have to be said twice. One “no” should suffice to get the point across.
Enthusiastic consent is freely-given.
Although movies romanticize rape culture by writing in scenes where the Princess refuses her suitor who keeps trying until she says, “yes”, it is NEVER acceptable to convince, pressure, or coerce someone into being with you.
Because so many films depict this as romance, boys grow into men who pressure and manipulate women and girls into sexual activity. People who do this see absolutely nothing wrong in their behavior. It can be extremely traumatizing to have someone persist until consent is given. This is not true consent.
If a person says “yes” to sexual activity because they were pressured, urged, or intimidated, it is sexual assault. Why? Because they didn’t not freely consent to the act. They only said “yes” because they felt unsafe and afraid. They did what was necessary to survive the violence at hand.
It’s not their job to do anything different, it’s your job to make them feel safe. It’s your responsibility to ask questions and read body language. If you have any indication that they are not TOTALLY into it, then stop and ask them what they would rather do instead.
Enthusiastic consent is mutual.
Just because your partner wants to have sex, doesn’t mean you have to engage. We are all different. Your partner may be super horny, while you’re thinking about the next day’s tasks. It’s totally fine to let them know you are not in the mood to have sex.
In regard to heterosexual relationships, this needs to be said: sex is not just for men and their pleasure. You do not have to have sex with your partner just because they want to.
Sometimes we may force ourselves to be with someone sexually because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. Your right to feeling comfortable and safe is more important than their feelings.
Remember, it’s your body, your choice.
Enthusiastic consent is among adults.
Children cannot consent to sex. I repeat: CHILDREN CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!
Even if a child says “yes” to a sexual act, not only is it morally wrong, it is illegal and punishable by law.
When I was sexually abused as a twelve-year-old girl, I said “yes” to something that I knew nothing about. I was not mentally competent enough to know what I was signing up for. I knew nothing about sexual health, balancing emotions, or how to keep myself safe.
The legal age of consent varies from country to country. In U.S. states, the age of consent ranges from 16 to 18.
To learn more about the age of consent in your area, be sure to do some research on your local laws.
Photo by Justin Munoz, 2015, New York City, NY
“Today, while chalking, a man carrying a “Jesus saves” sign came up to me and said, ‘Women are going to get treated the same way they dress. Life is like a candy store. Imagine how a kid feels when he can’t have any candy. He might want to steal some.’ He then compared his analogy to life and stated that, ‘When men see women dressed like whores, they naturally desire sex.’”
-Originally published on Instagram May 22, 2015