Chapter 5: Apprehensive Consent Apprehensive Consent

The following is an excerpt of my Huffington Post UK article, “When “Yes” is Rape” published June 2016.

Apprehensive consent is a “yes” that is given when someone is coerced, threatened, or pressured. Imagine someone holding a gun and threatening someone for sex. Now, take the gun away and imagine the same scene: a menacing glare, threatening words and gestures, making the other person feel unsafe and uncomfortable. And if we still take it down another notch, to a couple making out when one decides they do not want to go further and is pressured until they cave. All of the above scenarios are examples of sexual assault. Rape can happen in the subtlest of ways.

Some argue, “learn how to speak up for yourself. Just say ‘no.’” But, sometimes “no” is ignored and it becomes impossible to say when someone feels like they have no choice. The context in which consent is given is the most important part and needs to be taken seriously by us as individuals, by court officials & police, and by the whole of society.

Many of you know about the natural defense mechanisms fight or flight, however, not many know about dissociation or the freeze (or immobility) response.

Disassociation is a natural defense mechanism that detaches you from the traumatic event that is taking place. When a survivor dissociates during an attack, it doesn’t mean that they liked it or were accepting of it, it means that their body was trying to protect itself by blocking out the experience.

The first time I was sexually abused when I was twelve years old I completely disassociated from my attacker. I felt as if I had an out-of-body experience and as if I was watching the entire scene from the ceiling.

This detachment from reality is called dissociation.

The second defense mechanism I’d like to discuss is called the freeze response. The freeze (or immobility) response causes the body and voice to become paralyzed. I experienced this and lived with the guilt from it [the first time] I was sexually assaulted by a family member during my first year of college. I was completely caught off guard when we were watching a movie in his room like we always did, when suddenly, he started feeling me up. Terrified of what would happen next, I let him have his way because I felt coerced, pressured, and threatened, even though he didn’t use force or intimidation. He didn’t have to say a word for me to feel that my life was at stake. Out of nowhere, my throat tightened and voice froze, I wasn’t able to say anything at all, let alone utter “no”.

These two natural primal responses are the main reasons that most survivors don’t fight back, scream, or run during an assault. Because their primal state is taking control, they have no say in the situation. This does not make it any less of a rape. If you consented apprehensively, dissociated, and/or could not say no, it was not your fault.

Understanding these defense mechanisms helps us create a culture of consent by helping us shift our focus back on the offender, where it belongs.

These explanations help us have more compassion for ourselves as survivors and for others who have experienced sexual assault.

Don’t let all this new information about consent get you down. Even as I write, I’m thinking, “I’ve apprehensively consented more times than I can count”, and, I blocked many of those experiences out of my memory. Learning about consent is bittersweet, but, when we differentiate apprehensive consent from enthusiastic consent, it helps us identify sexual assault and understand past situations.

Inability to Consent

It’s important to include the dozens of situations in which sexual consent is not possible.

1. When Someone is in a Position of Authority

1. This includes, but, is not limited to: sexual involvement with children or minors, teacher-student relations, healthcare workers and patients, correctional facility officers and prisoners, employee-employer relationships, etc.
2. On the surface, two consenting adults that work together and are dating could seem harmless. I’m sure someone is reading this now saying, “My parents met at work!” However, when one of those people is in a position of authority, they could potentially cause financial and career ruin, if things go awry.

2. When someone is unconscious. This includes people who are sleeping or those that are comatose. These people cannot consent for obvious reasons. No explanation necessary.
3. When someone is mentally incapable of consenting. This includes people with certain mental disorders and disabilities. Mental disorders can include Dissociative Disorder or Alzheimer’s disease.

Sexual elder abuse occurs at the hand of retirement home employees and by spouses or relatives of the elderly. If a person does not have the mental capacity to consent, they should be left alone.

Photo by Nikki Silver, 2016, Santa Rosa, California

“Sure, I love being naked, but I'm no sex icon or temptress. As a survivor of multiple rapes, (and even being the strong, badass, warrior woman I am today) it takes time for me to get intimate sometimes.

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I'm sure someone out there is saying "you can't get intimate with people, but, you can show your body off online to thousands of strangers?!"

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The answer is YES. My body is not made for sex. I am not a sex object. The human body is a masterpiece and being naked does not equate to sex.

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There are tons of reasons to be naked, including no reason at all!

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I love being nude because I feel natural and free. It allows me to love myself-- ALL of myself, stretch marks, gut, belly hair, scars, & all.

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No more hiding. I am not ashamed! “

-Originally Published on Instagram in summer 2016