In this chapter, you will learn how to ask for consent. By the time you are done reading, you will be equipped with the tools to bring Consentopia to your bedroom! I assure you, asking for consent is fun and easy!
Below we will explore a few times in which pop culture actually got things right in regards to consent.
Here are some quotes from songs that have already started the consent conversation:
Telling your partner what turns you on is an excellent way to start a conversation about consent. Be sure to discuss and explore the nuances of kink. The lyrics state that whips and chains are a turn-on. The person speaking has not yet clarified how they turn her on.
Does she like to be whipped or does she prefer to do the whipping? Is she more of a voyeur who prefers not to participate, but, is more turned on by just watching? These are the kinds of questions that would need to be explored in a deeper discussion about consent before engaging in BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism), whether you’re an amateur or experienced kinkster.
The famous BDSM mantra is “safe, sane, consensual”. To assure safe kinky sex, it’s important to discuss trauma, triggers, safe-words, fetishes, STD status, and hard/soft limits before playing.
Giving an order is not how you ask for consent; however, I chose this example because this can be an effective manner of communicating what you want. Imagine a couple is already in the middle of sexual activity and one of them says, “lick me like a lollipop.” This is a perfect time to state what you are interested in. Expressing a fantasy or desire is a wonderful way to let your partner know what turns you on.
Be aware that your partner can deny sex at any time. Stating a desire is not the same thing as giving a command. Depending on the tone, intonation, and intention, this same phrase can imply two different things. When saying “lick me like a lollipop”, in a soft, sexy manner, it is simply the expression of a fantasy.
If someone says the same thing while yelling or using a threatening tone of voice, this is when it crosses the line into the zone of sexual assault.
These five words show that the person is giving their consent to do whatever their partner desires. Although it’s quite clear that she’s consenting, it’s important to clarify what this actually means. Does it mean she is consenting to relinquish her freewill completely? Is she consenting to be a slave just for the day? The week? For life? How much is this person actually consenting to? What are their limits, safe-words, etc.?
There is so much that needs to be discussed before giving away your power to someone. The basis of all kink and BDSM relationships is CONSENT, which means that even if someone says they would like to give up all their power, they still have a right to revoke consent at any time.
Get as kinky as you want. Just be sure to clarify with your partner(s) what this type of kink looks like for you.
A command is not consent, we know that. When you listen to this song, however, the way it is sung, it certainly does give the feeling that the person being serenaded has an option to respond however they please. These are just the words he is using to make his intentions clear: he wants to get inside. The person receiving the message has a right to say, “yes” or “no” at any time.
5. “If it feels this good gettin’ used/ Well keep on using me ’til you’ve used me up.” Use Me by Grace Jones
This song perfectly demonstrates ongoing consent. “If it feels this good getting used” implies that sexual activity has already begun and is presently taking place. It’s so good Grace Jones had to sing about it! In the next phrase, “Keep on using me ‘til you’ve used me up” relays that the person is enjoying the activity taking place so much that they would like to keep going. In other words, Grace Jones is saying,
“Don’t stop! Gimmie more!”
Our bodies get so sensitive during sex, that things can feel amazing one minute and awkward the next! It’s important to check in with your partner’s comfort level.
All the same, never hesitate to express yours!
Asking your partner if they want you to keep going is always a good idea. Telling your partner to keep going, go faster, or slow down are some easy ways to give ongoing consent while specifying your needs.
6. “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?”
This is a very clear and direct manner to ask for consent. After getting a “yes” or “no”, there are still more questions to ask. What kind of sex? Their place, yours, or somewhere else? How do you want it? What turns them on? What are your limits? Getting the first “yes” still requires more information from your prospective sexual partner. This is an excellent start to having a fun night of hot sex!
Hell yeah! Just talk about it. Have a conversation before engaging sexually with someone. If you’re in a long-term relationship, it could be a good idea to have multiple conversations about your sexual desires to be sure that you’re on the same page. Communication is the basis of consent. Start asking questions or bringing up the topic of consent, boundaries, and past trauma in your relationships. This is how we win!
You can decide
If you’ll have me
…I won’t stop until you tell me” -How does it Feel by D’Angelo
The singer is letting his prospective partner know that they have a choice. He vocalizes that she is safe to communicate her needs, which ensures trust and shows how much he respects her wishes. This is the way it should be, always!
This is a very smooth and sexy way to communicate with your partner before sex. Once you’ve stated your intentions, make your request. If they say yes to sex, enjoy! If they say, “no” accept the rejection gracefully and ask them what they would rather do instead.
Grease it, spray it
Clearly, this one knows how to get down and has no issue giving instructions. Communicating your precise sexual needs is always important, especially when engaging in anal sex, which this verse is about. The words, “grease it, spray it, let me lubricate it” are intended to instruct the suitor on how they would like to be penetrated. It’s always good to be clear with your suitors so that you have the maximum amount of pleasure. Bringing consent culture in the bedroom = pleasure. It really does!
This girl likes to be licked all over! The lyrics continue on to say, “lick my pussy and my crack”. Although these may be considered explicit lyrics, it demonstrates perfectly just how precise you should be when talking to your partners about what you want. It’s important to get clear on everything. Remember, have a state of nonattachment to the outcome of expressing your desires. No one is obligated to satisfy them.
This is another song that you might not have known was about anal sex. The original lyrics to Tutti Frutti, which were only sung in live appearances, are what you see written above. Little Richard and his band were unable to sing the real lyrics when they recorded the song.
Who knew there were so many songs about anal sex and lube?!
Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there?” -What’s Your Fantasy by Ludacris
This is one of the most sexed-up songs of the century and it’s a funny little jingle that the singer uses to explore new and fun places to get hot and heavy. When discussing fantasies with partners, be sure to listen to them with a non-judgmental perspective. The last thing you want to do is kink-shame someone. That is a total turn-off. Have an open mind when discussing desires and if they are into something you don’t want to try, just let them know (tactfully) that you’re not interested.
It could be a dream come true
Providing that's what you are into” -If You’re into It by Flight of the Concords
What is amazing about this song is that the person singing makes sure (“if it’s cool with you”) and doubly sure (“providing that’s what you’re into”) that their partner is enthusiastically consenting to sex. His questions help ensure that consent is indeed ongoing and freely-given.
We can burn the incense and just chat
Relax, I got the good vibrations
Before we make love let's have a good conversation” -Mind Sex by dead prez
This guy wants to take his time and get to know his lover before having sex. He clearly states his boundaries in an eloquent and almost dreamy manner. His words and the love behind them are a huge turn-on. It’s always okay to wait.
This is a ballad of two virgin lovers. The person singing is relaying to their partner that it’s their first time having sex. Although you’re never required to discuss your past sexual history with others, it could be a good idea to tell your partner if you are a virgin because this is a part of informed consent.
Although some argue that we should eliminate the concept of virginity all together, I must admit that careful consideration should be given before having sex for the first time. Before having sex, people should be educated on consent, sexual health, and how emotions are affected by sex.
In my Huffington Post article entitled, “35 Sexy Ways to Ask for Consent”, I listed some fun and enticing phrases that can give you the words to say to bring consent to the bedroom.
Try these phrases to bring Consentopia to your bedroom:
When reading this list, many people realize that they already are using these phrases. It’s easy to get in the groove of consent culture when you realize how much people are already practicing it.
When we hear the word “consent”, many people think that it only refers to sex, however, consent is something that is certainly used outside of the bedroom, too!
You can (and should) ask for someone’s consent to take their picture, to share their personal information (such as phone number or address), and to hug or touch them. Consent is something that can be applied to any and all aspects of life. It’s simply a matter of asking for permission.
Photo by Pete Shawn, 2018, Atlanta, GA
-Originally published on Instagram February 4, 2018